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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2015 8:07:25 GMT -7
Nikanor,I really appreciate you talking with me. Thank you for answering my questions. I know what you say about honesty is true and I don't feel I'm getting any of that from him. He has been doing this for at least 17 years. How can he claim he has just stopped, I don't think you can just walk away after that kind of porn and mb use. I feel like I'm going to have to catch him red handed and the only way I know how to do that is by putting on a key logger he has gotten really sneaky over the years and gotten pretty good at lying. He acts like he has everything under control. He does not have anyone that he would feel comfortable with to talk to about this. He is in denial. I hope you ment it when you said to go ahead and ask any questions because I have a few.If you don't feel like answering them I will understand. I know you can't speak for my husband but as a man with a porn problem I would like to know what you think. My husband has a problem with looking at other women, "example" We were out dancing and we went out of the club to use the restroom, when I came out I saw my husband with his head turned looking a very young & pretty woman, so I walked up to him and stood about 5 feet away right in front of him, I continued to stand there for about 2 minutes until he turned abound and saw me standing there. I ask him if he was done yet. He told me to come here with a slight smile on his face he knew he had been caught. I walked away and went back into the club. My question is when you are looking at some woman who has caught your eye what goes through your mind while you are looking or staring at her. Please I would just like to know the truth I'm not a man so I don't know. I don't need it sugar coated . Another question is, with all his porn use, I wonder with all those porn images in his brain do the images just pop up all the time or just some times and can you control them? How does this affect you when it happens? Once again I know you can't speak for my husband but I would like a mans opinion? If there is any one else please feel free to answer any or all of these questions I would really like several mens point of view. I would really like to know. Thank you again Nikanor for talking with me Shattered wife.  |
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Post by SandyJWE on Feb 11, 2015 1:27:22 GMT -7
Nikanor and Shatterwife... thank you both for sharing these conversations.. I am finding this helpful information and food for thought... The openness and honesty is very refreshing... You are blessings... |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 13:14:20 GMT -7
Shatteredwife,
I'll try here to respond to your questions with sincerity and honesty.
1) As you might expect he is looking at the physical aspects of the person, what he is thinking in his head I cannot tell but if his porn addiction is significant then he is fantasizing about her in some way. Many guys are mentally undressing the women they are looking at and wondering how they might be in their porn fantasy. That's difficult to hear but the truth. In recovery we learn to 'bounce' our eyes away from other women or erotic images. You can't give any image more than two seconds glance or you get drawn into an on-going fantasy. You can help by not going into clubs or places where there is going to be temptation. It is a sad truth that you may have to give up clubs, beaches, etc. Perhaps you can draw him into a conversation about what he likes or how he wants you to look so that the focus is put on you and not on another woman/image. If you can get him on your side to fight these stares then work with him and accept the male nature to look but guide the discussion and acceptable reactions.
2) The porn images do crop up frequently, hourly if not daily depending how deep into porn he is/was. Men are wired this way even those of us not addicted or formerly addicted. We have to take those thoughts and images captive as the bible says. It can take a rather long time to replace porn images and fantasies from our minds and requires filling our heads with better pure thoughts and images. Frankly, only biblical images work here or at least more reliably. I had to immerse myself in bible reading, bible studies, biblical counseling, prayer, etc. It took nearly three years for me to get in control enough to be confident in beating the images reliably. Once you cut off porn and all erotic images you create a vacuum in your mind which you have to replace with something else and that something else hopefully will be biblical. It sounds old fashioned and prudish but nothing else really works. It can be controlled but with determination, work, and persistence. God tells us to be transformed and not conformed to this world. The effects of these erotic or porn images is not good - it will make him distant from you and others as he fixates on them and seeks more, he may act out with masturbation or other sexual sin. Porn, the longer it goes on unchecked, will draw people (men and women) in deeper and deeper with more and more need to extend the range of experiences.
In conclusion: First, your husband needs to come to a point of admission that there is a porn problem if not addiction. Denial is a big initial hurdle to overcome if he is going to find freedom and recovery. Second, once he admits he can't stop then he needs to seek help. Many guys can't get past this point as it is loaded with guilt and they feel like a failure that they can't fix themselves. He will need a men's group or a male counselor or pastor to help at this point. Some programs like Setting Captives Free are good but are limited by on-line distance and lack of eye-to-eye accountability. There is lots of ground to cover in the recovery process so lets stop here and try to focus him on admission and finding help. The rest will not matter if he doesn't do these two things first. I'd be glad to share more if he gets to this point. He probably need another guy in his life to get him to discuss and admit his porn use - it is possible to do this with you but rare and really best done with another man.
Hang in there and keep praying. There is some hope for him and your relationship. I hope my answers help and haven't shattered your already thin strands of hope for your husband.
Nikanor
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2015 4:48:34 GMT -7
Hi Nikanor,I just really wanted to thank you for answering my questions. Your sincerity and honesty are refreshing and it really nice getting a direct answer for a change. I'm really glad you felt comfortable answering my questions. Deep down I know the truth, I know what he is doing while looking or starring at some woman. I think I needed to hear it from someone else, another man. We spend alot of time at the lake in the summer with our friends and family and I can tell you we have had many issues with him checking out all the girls or women on the beach. We do a two week vacation at the lake every year for the last 20 years with about ten families. So now I have to think of giving that up because he can't control himself while around other woman. I love to dance but now I should think of giving it up because it is too much temptation. There are women everywhere. It happens at the store or out at dinner or just some woman walking down the street. My therapist tells me to call him out on it but I've only done that twice but it didn't really make any difference. When he is looking I can tell you its more than 2 seconds. He is probably having a full blown affair in his mind while I'm sitting right next to him.
You said "ask him how he wants me to look so the focus is on me, believe me I've had tried that and that doesn't work either. I'm not a new fresh body or person. He is always chasing the fantasy and I'm not his fantasy girl and I cannot compete with those 20 year old's. I'm in my early 50's and I'm attractive, doesn't make a difference. I really appreciate your honesty . I will hang in here and keep praying. I hope there is still hope for our marriage. Your answers have helped me realize that I'm going to have to catch him red handed because he will never admit to anything at least then I can get it back out into the open. When I ask him how he is doing with porn he will say "I'm doing good, I haven't look at any porn, and I can tell it makes him mad when I ask. He will lie straight to my face, and remember he works out of town and has a computer with no controls on it. "I'm doomed"
Nikanor I hope and pray there is hope for us. I also know the strands of hope are getting thinner. Thanks for talking with me I appreciate it very much. Shattered wife.
To all the other wives or girlfriends out there dealing with porn, there is a good description of how the male mind works with porn. It is an eye opener you can find it at "Netnanny.com" titled "Men as victims". They are not the only victims this porn has destroyed so many families I no it has destroyed my life, the man I married 29 years ago is not the same man I'm married to today. Is it really possible to get this poison out of our lives. :?
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wiltingiris
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Post by wiltingiris on Feb 18, 2015 9:22:21 GMT -7
Hi sorry for what you are going through I found out recently about my husbands indiscretions too. I can only offer prayer the only thing helping me with my husband is I decided to love him like Jesus unconditional and to allow myself to forgive him for me. I experienced a huge load off my shoulders and decided that I can be supporting but that his recovery has to be from him and god nothing I can do but pray love and forgive if it happens again its not my fault never was. I can be a super model it won't change the fact he needs to work on getting his life under control. He has a problem and it hurts. I decided although I was hurt its not about me. He is the one bound he needs deliverance. I instead try to give him complete trust since he is working here on his sobriety. I love him more than he can ever begin to understand my longing is for him alone he is in need he is so sick how can I run from that. But that is me not all situations are alike. My husband sought out this forum kk is my husband. Thank God for all of you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2015 12:24:30 GMT -7
Shatteredwife,
I wouldn't say you are doomed. The road is certainly rocky and full of pitholes and perhaps some very large sink holes. You'll need to be cautious and steer carefully and be patient. Responding to these posts is always difficult because I don't know your husband or what is going on in his head or life. If you knew me four years ago and saw the changes you would know it is possible for God to change your husband too.
Please review Wiltingiris's response again. I am in agreement with her comments. She trusts in and leans on God to deal with her husband who is changing by God's grace for the better. Secular counseling didn't do me any good - it was only when I gave into God and sought help through Him that I finally changed. You probably can't fix him but you can let him know how broken you are and how few and slender the threads are that now bind you to each other. He needs to take it seriously or he could loose you in more ways than one. If he is really deep into the porn then the ogling of other women is just another symptom and he needs to seek help, counseling, whatever he wants to call it. This weekend I will post an article here on BG that I am finishing up on Why Men Won't Seek Help.
I don't think it is anything new or exciting to say that porn is a tremendous blow to the american family and way of life. Statistics show it is way out of control and the numbers of men and women affected and spouses and families devastated is nothing less than shocking. Unfortunately, I think our churches are slow to take up the battle cry to fight this and make it ok for guys to seek help and for spouses too. We still keep it hidden due to the shame, guilt, and the denigration of men resulting from the relentless media hype heaped on abusers in the catholic church among other sources. Don't we all cast a wary eye on anyone accused of using porn or want to call them perverts even in our churches? It is not helping men come out of the woods on this.
Anyway, if you can find him a church or biblically minded counselor for him to contact or that he would respond to may be your job and challenge. I know he should initiate this but you may be waiting a long time for that to happen.
I continue to pray for you.Nikanor
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2015 19:58:02 GMT -7
This morning, I got down on my knees and gave everything to God - me, my children and my marriage. I am going to concentrate on me and my healing and being a mom.
I told my H last night that he is accountable to God and that I wasn't going to be the marriage porn police anymore. I'm still going top keep Covenant Eyes on our puter though. I felt good to release him to God.
I'm also going to go to Celebrate Recovery with him b/c they have groups for the spouses who have lived with addicts of all kinds. Do you know if you have a Celebrate Recovery in your area? I think they are nation wide. I'll let you know how it goes tonight.
I also joined the prayer group here on BG. You might want to try that.
SW, I'll keep you in my prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2015 20:08:53 GMT -7
SW, please feel free to send me a private message if you have anything you want to discuss privately.
"God is able to do above all that we ask or think."
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