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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2012 7:59:31 GMT -7
Thank goodness I found this website 2 days ago, it truly has given me hope. Just knowing that there is a place I can go and here other women going through the same issues is so helpful. So first off thank-you all who are so brave!
I really don't know where to start and make this as short as possible. So here goes...my husband came to me Nov.15th 2010 and admitted to online porn. ( two months after the death of my mother). We went to the family pastor of our church for 2 months and he got a accountability partner (who doesn't share the same addiction). Needless to say there wasn't any other things done and hardly any follow up.
Long story short last April (after spending 2weeks out of town with my sister after breast cancer surgery) he said he had a slip. He then got a new accountability partner who also shares porn addiction. He met with him once and has nothing else!!!! So being the snoop dog I've turned into two days ago I found history and a bunch of sites on his computer. I haven't told him....although I have said I believe he's still doing it.....he is adamant that he isn't.......what do I do?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 1:53:26 GMT -7
Hey Heartbrake, I would support you to feel what seems good to you; What do you need to feel safe?
What kind of honesty and accountability do you need from him?
I guess that less than 100 % is not good enough both ways; I am not saying perfect, but I am saying totally committed; It's okay to do mistakes, but then it is called mistake, not "It isn't that problematic.." or "What's the matter with you wife?" or whatever, blaming..
If he can't stand for that, he needs help(, and maybe you as well?). I guess all people need help.
So I think you should demand 100 % commitment? And let him go if he can't go for that?
Just some thoughts; Maybe this doesn't suit you?
I am not sure if you can stand in those boundaries? It might be difficult? Then there might be good to get power and support from somewhere? Two or three people? or maybe a whole group?
Thanks for sharing.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 7:07:00 GMT -7
Thanks for getting back to me....I really want all or nothing. So far I haven't gotten the truth
which is a must for me.
I feel my life as I knew is over....which was a big lie anyway. I'm not afraid to be alone, I justt hate to shatter the children.
Praying God will continue to light the path he has for me.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 8:11:56 GMT -7
Hi heartbroke. I think it would probably be best if you said you found it. Otherwise you might go on hoping that he'll just admit it and if he can't you'll end up just watching him lie over an over again. Of course if you want a 100 percent then it looks like he's not giving it and you can't do the work for him. How old are your kids?
(I'm not an expert on this so don't take what I say as good advice, just options.)
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 8:12:16 GMT -7
Yes, do you have any support? Any place to go? Someone who supports you? I guess the support and the power is quite important, at least for me, I think.
You don't have to answer the questions. They were just questions.
Thanks
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 8:24:46 GMT -7
I just asked my partner what he would prefer and he said that when he got caught up in the lies he couldn't get out of it. And when the truth was out is was a relief so based on what he said maybe telling him you found it would be best. Of course he might go on to hiding it better but that's a risk aswell.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 8:28:35 GMT -7
It might be good to set very strict boundaries as soon as possible and also maybe give him an option, and if he is not ready to do everything that is in his power to be better now, then it might be better that he is being kicked out.
If not you carry his problems?
But then of course you need the support to carry all this?
Just some thoughts; They might not be good.
Just some thoughts; My best support.
Thanks
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2012 11:22:51 GMT -7
Thank-you all for your comments and suggestions. It's been very helpful.
I hope to see someone (councilor) this week.
God Bless.....
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2012 1:29:48 GMT -7
Hi Heartbroke,
I would confront. It is time for further help, such as www.settingcaptivesfree.comwww.celebraterecovery.comor SAA. A filter is a good first step, but it does not change/heal his heart.
Trust cannot grow until there has been a length of time of trustworthy behavior.
One big question is, what legitimate need is he trying to fill with the counterfeit of porn, and how can he let God fulfill that need?
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2012 2:29:10 GMT -7
Wow..good question he was raised in a Christian home helped lead me to Christ is very active in our church....I
Thanks for the advice on confrontation, that frightens me...how do I do that?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2012 4:25:39 GMT -7
Hello, Heartbroke,
I'd advise you to print the history and the sites that you found. Hit him with irrefutable evidence. Addicts in the throes of active addiction are liars first and foremost. They will lie, twist, distort, rationalize, anything to avoid accepting personal responsibility. Pin him down. Give he ZERO room to move.
I bid you peace and strength.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2012 7:10:45 GMT -7
Dear DW,
I actually took a picture of the drop down history and where it had changed in one day!
Thank-you for your response, I need to confront him tonight....he goes out overnight in the morning.
Is there anything out there to stop someone from picking up certain sites?
I still can't believe it is on his work computer....
Thanks for your prayers,
Blessings to all,HB
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2012 7:14:39 GMT -7
Yes, and it might be good to store those evidences another place also or a copy somewhere so that he just can't take it and destroy the evidences?
Thanks
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2012 7:48:11 GMT -7
Hi HB,
There is a wide variety of filtering/accountability software out there, from free to subscription. We used Safe Eyes for a while, and found it very effective, though it did need to be told that some sites were acceptable, and others were not. For the most part, though, the defaults were good.
Yes, confrontation is daunting, but less so, for me, than the alternative.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2012 8:26:21 GMT -7
Confronting is daunting: Yes, and in an ideal world, it might not be necessary. A woman shouldn't need to confront her husband, but instead the husband should protect, nurture and give life to his bride?
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