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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2012 8:48:53 GMT -7
Dear Heartbroke,
When you confront, please be secure in the knowledge that NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. When you present him with irrefutable evidence, be prepared for him to blame you. Be prepared to STAND YOUR GROUND and throw it right back on him:
"I HEREBY UNEQUIVOCALLY REFUSE DELIVERY OF ANY PORTION OF THE BLAME FOR YOUR ADDICTION AND SIN."
Deliver it with force and gusto. Please know that I will be with you in spirit. I'd be with you in body if I could be.
Best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2012 9:46:47 GMT -7
Thanks for sharing Devastated Wife.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 6:34:23 GMT -7
Wondering how things went for you Heartbroke. Please let us know.
Best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2012 15:16:20 GMT -7
Thanks for checking up on me DW.
It actually went well...I believe he is scared to lose his family and really is ready to accept Gods grace.
He has a long journey ahead of him.At this time I'm still so angry. It's a long journey for me as well......
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2012 4:09:36 GMT -7
Please be careful Heartbroke. He may put on the recovery face but continue in his addiction or he may swap addictions. Look for changes in behavior and attitude. Those are the surest signs of true recovery. Don't trust his words. His words mean nothing now.
Best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2012 5:25:28 GMT -7
He just keeps saying he hasn't been on those sites for 2 years!
He tried to delete them last night, but they kept coming back.
He is going to get a IT person to come in and help him.
Now he is just trying to munipulate me into forgiving him.
That's his new addiction.........make me love him again. I can hardly look at him let alone let him get near me. Not sure if I want to try and put this back together or not. We never had anything real to begin with so it would be starting over in a new relationship anyway. Really?, knowing what I do now would I really pick him?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2012 10:21:52 GMT -7
Please be careful Heartbroke. He may put on the recovery face but continue in his addiction or he may swap addictions. Look for changes in behavior and attitude. Those are the surest signs of true recovery. Don't trust his words. His words mean nothing now. Best, DW
Thanks for sharing again DW.
I guess it is always so that "nice"/ "right" words might not mean very much? It's repentance of the inner man that matters, and that might show itself outwardly eventually, so there is nearly no needs to listen to the words?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2012 4:09:33 GMT -7
Man,
Women in our position have been lied to so often that the words alone are meaningless at this point. My husband could tell me the sky is blue and the grass is green. Unless and until I can independently verify that assertion, I ignore it.
Men who are newly confronted/outed will do anything to preserve their worlds....that includes putting on a recovery face if that's what they think they have to do. My husband put on a recovery face for about 18 months before he had a breakdown and drank himself into a stupor and did a stint in rehab.
The recovery is not real unless and until women see changes in behavior------DEEDS not WORDS.
Best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2012 4:57:48 GMT -7
Dear Heartbroke,
Stand your ground and trust your gut!!! They are very manipulative. Once you realize what is going on it is easy to see.
When my husband would start trying his usual manipulation, I would say to myself: "Really? Really ____-brain? You think you can still buffalo and manipulate me? You are one dumb __________."
Realistically, I think his initial attempts to blame me for the porn and his continued attempts to manipulate me were as damaging, perhaps more damaging, than learning of his addiction. I lost all respect for him when he tried to blame me and when he continued to try to manipulate me and the therapists. I think if he had shown immediate remorse and broken-ness....I would have been more receptive to trying to work things out. He only compounded the errors by rationalizing and justifying. That brought out the worst in me and I had to verbally pummel him (and the worthless therapists).
These guys are just too smart for themselves. It's part of the disease. Please protect yourself first and foremost. Don't let him or any therapist manipulate you. Be fearless. Stand up for what you know is right.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2012 5:35:40 GMT -7
Dear Devestated Wife,
He seems to be showing remorse, taking responsibility, not blaming me but tring to manipulate me into forgiveness. It feels like our whole relationship was a sham....I will not let him push me, your words and support have given me strength.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2012 11:04:13 GMT -7
Dear Devestated Wife, He seems to be showing remorse, taking responsibility, not blaming me but tring to manipulate me into forgiveness. It feels like our whole relationship was a sham....I will not let him push me, your words and support have given me strength. Sounds good, I think that YOU are the one to decide when and if you want to put this behind you?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2012 11:08:02 GMT -7
Man, Women in our position have been lied to so often that the words alone are meaningless at this point. My husband could tell me the sky is blue and the grass is green. Unless and until I can independently verify that assertion, I ignore it. Men who are newly confronted/outed will do anything to preserve their worlds....that includes putting on a recovery face if that's what they think they have to do. My husband put on a recovery face for about 18 months before he had a breakdown and drank himself into a stupor and did a stint in rehab. The recovery is not real unless and until women see changes in behavior------DEEDS not WORDS. Best, DW Yes, sounds good. Why do I support this subject so much? Maybe because I can recognize some of the bullying, manipulative spirit that I might have experienced myself in relationsships?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2012 8:07:17 GMT -7
So my fella has been trying everything (that he's capable of) to show me how sorry he is. He's been saying for months about how the lies just snowballed. I had hope and then one day I came down stairs and he was looking at football on the computer and instantly turned it off because he wanted to hide the fact that he was looking at something other that what he was going online for. Instant reaction to lie! It wasn't porn but he instantly lied about it and tried to turn it off before he thought I saw it.
He needs to be truthful in everything he talks about and does. Not just porn. My fella obviously has this reaction to hide things. What do I do with that! I've told him the lieing is a massive thing yet he can't seem to stop.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2012 8:28:56 GMT -7
Well, I don't know; When it comes to me... ok; I can try to be general; If someone lies to me, that's bullying, isn't it?
I guess I need to protect myself, confront and get the power to stand in it?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2012 16:08:48 GMT -7
Dear Hopeful,
I guess it's a slow process.....my husband has always "exzaterated" since the day I met him. That is lying and will take him a long time to change. I guess we just can never let our guard down and constantly keep them on their toes. ( this isn't what I signed up for!!!).
I'll keep you in prayer.
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