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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2012 1:37:29 GMT -7
It is a year now since I first disclosed.
Yesterday afternoon whilst on my own, I was tempted online at 2.40pm for ten minutes and failed God, myself and my wife, friends and family by looking at nudity.
I have been really careful in my internet usage to go online for just a specific purpose or task for some with just the odd occasion to browse ebay or used car adverts. Yesterday, I had worked quite hard on domestic chores around the place and I had 15 minutes to sit down before picking my wife up and doing the school run.
I have no excuse other than I was weak and gave in to temptation. I had been tempted many times before but considered I had learned the power over the temptation that had controlled me for many years. Using prayer and meditation to overcome the desire to look at wrongful images or be tempted into self gratification. I have felt the self empowerment of resisting temptation and seen the power of prayer in action.
The patterns of my past behaviour were broken until this happened.
What has struck me, is that for a long time now, I have not had the desire to think the way I used to, or to look at a woman in the way I once did, or think wrongfully or spend my time thinking about anything sexual other than the desire to be with my wife. (Albeit she does not want closeness with me at this point in time)
So I am wholly puzzled why, out of the blue, I give in to lust to look online. I did not self gratify or act out further than looking. But looking is like the first step in wrong doing, for this addiction. It is still acting out.
My wife did not catch me, but she noticed a change in me that alerted her. Her sixth sense is very strong.
I think I used to get a "buzz" when I was wrongful. It was like an escape from "reality".
Yesterday left me with a sense of how much this addiction has cost me. No buzz, no arousal, just a realisation that my past has cost me so much emotionally, spiritually and financially and has left me deeply depressed and virtually incapable of getting work.
It has cost me the love of someone who gave me everything and who despite my behaviour continued to support me, even if we live like friends rather than man and wife now.
How do I become the true "me" again and not this depressed addict who has in every way failed himself and those around him?
I am desperate to rid myself of wrong doing so that I can rebuild as a true and wholesome person.
I am at a loss to explain why I looked when I did not feel the urge to look in the way I once did. Does that make sense?
Chris
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2012 9:33:05 GMT -7
Chris,
My apologies for not replying sooner. I haven't been sure what to say beyond the words, "Cunning, baffling, powerful," which is the way the AA Big Book describes addiction.
I've had the experience of slipping and dipping briefly back into addictive acting out, once not after a year, but after more than 2 years sober. I know more than one person who has slid into a major relapse after 8 years of sexual sobriety. A friend of a friend went back to drinking after 45 years of sobriety in AA. You're not alone.
You write that you've failed in every way yourself and those around you. I know how awful it feels to slip, especially after a long period clean, but do try to be gentle with yourself. A year of sobriety, a year of blessings, a year of new behavior your wife can see (else how would she have detected the slip?) - all those things are real. None of them can be taken away from you. None of that is negated by a moment of insanity.
Is there more to do? Sure. You're doing a lot of it. You stopped after 10 minutes. You connected with other people here and in face-to-face life. You're working to understand what happened so as to avoid the same mistake in the future. All those are the marks of an addict in recovery, not of someone who has failed in every way. Good work!
As much as slips are to be avoided, I often think that it is during slips that we have the greatest opportunity to show ourselves as addicts in recovery. How do we do that?
- We stop.
- We connect to other people.
- We try to look at ourselves clearly and gently (and in my opinion, the two have to go together). What can I change in my recovery so that I don't make this mistake again? When can I first see the slip coming? What was I feeling then? What was I feeling before then, when the slip was being born? What will I do the next time I feel that way? Are there new tools I ought to take up? Have I become complacent? Is there some step I've been avoiding, something I still need to surrender, something I am still holding on to?
It's acting and thinking like that that shows that we are serious about recovery, and that moves us forward. If we're doing things like that, then I think it's time to let go beating ourselves up and to live today as today.
Addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease. That's part of the definition. I know people who have hit a bottom and have never acted out again. One friend, for instance, decided he was really through at the time of his second arrest, and has now been sober for 11 years. I know a whole lot more people like you and like me who have built new lives, unaccountably looked back for 10 minutes (or longer) at Sodom, and then, thanks be to God, been allowed to repent and to keep walking forward.
Keep walking. It's a disease, not a disgrace. You did what you should not have done, but many of us do. You know what you should do now, and you appear to be doing it. That's all any of us can do.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2012 4:48:20 GMT -7
Thanks for the deep and careful thoughts you have shared Tim.
I think I am quite angry with myself as becoming clean was empowering in so many ways.
I have to look at this that the "evil one" is temptation and that all that is righteous is good and nourishing.
I did stop, but also know I am strong enough to have avoided the slip anyway.
I could so easily have walked away and not taken the thought any further.
I no longer feel the need to feed this addiction either mentally or physically. I do not need a casual woman acquaintance to tell me flattering things or to tease me online or in person.
One of the biblical references is to flee temptation and remove from your life what the causes are. (forgive my ignorance at this time of day in not pinpointing the reference more accurately)
I have reflected at how hollow you feel from the wrong actions and behaviour and how pathetic this addiction can make you.
Perhaps the biggest steps I need to take are for daily accountability, as well as the self checks and giving praise in the morning and evening when free of acting out.
Hitting the bottom for me has meant losing my business, stopping working for a firm that was immoral in so many things from client entertaining to expectations in foreign travel and to seeking how I can give something back to my community in the village where I live.
I am now offering my services to the local parish for free to help the elderly with DIY and decorating where they may not have cash due to the recession.
One step at a time and this will be removed from my life for good.
Chris
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2012 5:04:24 GMT -7
See, you're doing a lot.
A couple of very quick comments:
Being angry at ourselves is natural, but you know, the part of us that thinks it needs the porn is scared and hurting - scared and hurting in part because of the shame we have heaped upon it. If we can learn to love that part of ourselves and to meet its needs in healthy ways, we'll achieve a lot more than we can with the judgmental anger that I think is in many ways part of our disease.
Maybe, but you didn't, and that's in the past now. Accept it and walk on.
I know it's not directly Biblical, but the 12-step program makes a lot of use of the serenity prayer:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
I can't change the past. I can change the future.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2012 9:22:40 GMT -7
Chris and Tim; thanks for sharing.
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2012 14:40:54 GMT -7
Hi Chris,
Some of the passages you may be thinking of are:
1 Cor. 6:18
1 Tim. 6:11
2 Tim. 2:22
James 4:7
And never forget 1 John 1:9!
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2012 23:55:50 GMT -7
Thank you Tim, Man and Truthseeker.
I am aware I do not pick up my bible enough to instantly reference the passages I think of!
I will take a look.
Regards,
Chris
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2012 13:37:29 GMT -7
Thank you for your honesty in sharing your experience, Chris. It seems to me that God had a year's success with your co-operation and that success would have continued if you hadn't chosen to lapse just that once. We are human, weak and susceptible to temptation and it is a very short path from temptation to sin, if we let ourselves obey the tempter and our own sinful inclination. God's nature is renewing in you. I am encouraged by your year of victory.
I am here now after months away on a rollercoaster of porn that has now ended for several weeks. I have reached a milestone in my life. I have to change. Simple as that. I can say no.
I hope you continue to make progress. I hope I can also continue to make progress.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2012 22:28:38 GMT -7
Thank you for your words of support.
I felt quite angry that I had given in to temptation after such a long time.
It seems faith in God is the only way to stay away from the temptations put before us.
I pray now, in the morning, to give thanks for keeping me free from immoral sin and to ask for help in keeping me this new day away from sin and temptation. It seems to work very effectively. At night I give thanks again and ask for the strength to continue.
Also, in conversation with my Vicar, he pointed out that sexual sin is not only a sin against God, but also against one's own body. It is one of the very few sins that man can do against himself. That made me view lust, porn, self gratification and meeting up with women for sex very very differently.
I have simplified this addiction in my mind, to consider that every wrongful lustful thought is from Satan, as he is trying to tempt us to act out and that the battle over addiction is a battle between God and Satan played out in our own life.
God does not give us more temptation than we can bear but in my case it served as a harsh reminder that Satan is waiting to catch the unwary and the weak.
Good luck with your endeavours and I wish you every strength.
Might be worth taking a look at www.settingcaptivesfree.com
You can take part in a 60 day course online. The course is very thought provoking and provides some daily feedback from a course mentor. You also have daily accountability for not just self gratification but also thoughts and actions.
Chris |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2012 0:50:34 GMT -7
Thanks Chris, personally I struggle to see a fall or a stumble as very bad. What might be bad is if I am not handling it right.
I guess a persons character might develop slowly? but when it is full of humilty and grace it might be unnatural to sin?
The most important might not be if I stumble now and then (I am not advocating it), but the most important thing might be a character-change and a personal growth in the right direction.
If that happens it might be unnatural to sin?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2012 2:59:49 GMT -7
Hi Man,
I personally find real empowerment from staying free from impurity and knowing if I am asked "am I free from porn, self gratification or lust or any form of acting out" that I can honestly answer yes.
I too went for many years falling and tripping and asking for forgiveness and making excuses as to why I failed. That way was a vicious circle for me and those whom I love. I lived in denial of the problem or the fact that I needed help once I hit the bottom, to restart my life and be true to myself and my family.
Good luck in your path.
Chris
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2012 4:02:48 GMT -7
Hi Man, I personally find real empowerment from staying free from impurity and knowing if I am asked "am I free from porn, self gratification or lust or any form of acting out" that I can honestly answer yes. I too went for many years falling and tripping and asking for forgiveness and making excuses as to why I failed. That way was a vicious circle for me and those whom I love. I lived in denial of the problem or the fact that I needed help once I hit the bottom, to restart my life and be true to myself and my family. Good luck in your path. Chris Okay, UKChris; Thanks for your sharing in part one. The second point when you write: "I too went for many years falling and tripping and asking for forgiveness and making excuses as to why I failed. That way was a vicious circle for me and those whom I love. I lived in denial of the problem or the fact that I needed help once I hit the bottom, to restart my life and be true to myself and my family." I interpret this as if you are better than me; You live in freedom. I live in denial. If that is what you mean, it's okay, but how do you know that and what do you want to achieve when accusing me? How can that make you get peace, love, joy if that is what you want in your life? If I misunderstood you, can you clearify and tell me what you meant? If you're not into dialogue, I will not receive your from above; "I am better than you"-attitude as I interpret it. I might only have my view that might be different than yours. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2012 4:10:28 GMT -7
Chris, I just feel that you judge me for sharing my view. If I am wrong, feel free to explain.
If I am right I choose to not receive what I consider as a from above "I am better than you"/ "I have come further than you"-attitude from you.
I just observe you and wonder what you want to achieve with telling me that/ having that attitude towards me?
How can it help you in your recovery
My best!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2012 5:22:25 GMT -7
Man,
I am in no position to judge anyone.
Your sensitivity to what I write is somewhat uncalled for and highlights issues that you personally may face and that nobody else on this forum knows about. I respect that.
I know nothing of you, your circumstances or what you hope to achieve.
I shared on this topic from my own and very personal experience in the hope that any reader can learn and benefit by not making the mistakes I made or if in recovery, that they too may gain strength through the power of hope and faith.
Let me be categorically clear for you to understand.
I will not ever be judgemental on someone who is struggling and admits they have a problem.
For 15 odd years I was in utter denial I had a problem and looked to blame everyone or every other circumstance other than looking inside to me. Whilst in reality my life was crumbling all around me.
So as you highlighted in your post at 12.50pm today, a change is needed to accept the issue and then to be able to move on and deal with it.
I live daily with the consequences of what I did and I know that it will take years to heal my marriage and rebuild my life.
Chris
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 2:41:40 GMT -7
Keep breathing, everyone. The more we can support one another even in places where we don't quite understand and see eye-to-eye, and the more we can extend to one another the benefit of the doubt as we all try to tell our own stories, the more effective all of us can be in our own recovery.
A few quick thoughts on your story, Chris: You write,
I agree with that. The 12 steps are awash with references to God, and the AA Big Book is full of statements like, "We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves." To stop fighting and to begin to practice surrender and trust seem to me essential in our recovery.
But I think there is also another side to it. The 12 steps are also all about healing the fears and resentments that separate us not only from God, but from other people and from ourselves, and that drive us to isolate and to hide and to use. Your vicar is right that sexual addictions are acts against our bodies as well as against God; they are also acts against fellowship with the people around us. Recovery involves addressing our horizontal and inner issues, as well as our vertical issues with God. Don't forget those pieces, too.
As I write this, I'm suddenly wondering whether I may already have written more or less the same thing to you in an earlier stage of our correspondence. If so, please accept my apologies. Like many old people, I don't mean to be tiresome. :-) At times, it seems to me that I spend half my life trying to say gently to people on some boards, "Remember that we need to treat our social defects and emotional illnesses as well," and to people on other boards, "But we cannot do this ourselves. We need strength that can only come from God."
I'll quit before digging myself in deeper.
Tim M.
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