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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 3:51:52 GMT -7
Your vicar is right that sexual addictions are acts against our bodies as well as against God; they are also acts against fellowship with the people around us. Recovery involves addressing our horizontal and inner issues, as well as our vertical issues with God. Don't forget those pieces, too. I agree that it is also about the people around us. I.e. when acting out, I have less time and energy for my neigbour, family etc?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 3:57:51 GMT -7
Yes, and especially for someone like me who is married and has children, addiction has meant isolating myself emotionally from them, lying to them, treating them with indifference, and exploding at them in abusive anger that was really anger at myself or anger directed at producing excuses for me to isolate and act out. So the consequences of my actions for those around me and for the love that should exist in a family were very severe indeed. Read the posts of the wives here to see this spelled out more completely.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 4:20:11 GMT -7
UKChris, I am sorry. Maybe I had some wrong motives for putting up my thoughts in here. Maybe I wanted to be better than you. Why? Maybe because I feel small or maybe I needed contact or maybe I wanted to be seen, valued, heard.
Okay, when that said; I am not here to get a lot of advices; That was only a share.
Sometimes I might share with a lot of questionmarks, and in that way I might miscommunicate.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 4:26:04 GMT -7
Yes, and especially for someone like me who is married and has children, addiction has meant isolating myself emotionally from them, lying to them, treating them with indifference, and exploding at them in abusive anger that was really anger at myself or anger directed at producing excuses for me to isolate and act out. So the consequences of my actions for those around me and for the love that should exist in a family were very severe indeed. Read the posts of the wives here to see this spelled out more completely. Tim M. Yea, in the post above I asked a question. Maybe it was more like an open question (or rhetoric) than it was really something I wanted advice on. Maybe it was an opening to discuss things with other people, letting people in, inviting people to share THEIR thoughts, but maybe I need to more clear and specific when I share? Maybe I need to be more specific? Yes.. Much more clear about what I really want.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2012 1:27:32 GMT -7
Life is difficult and complicated?
I can easily feel that I come under; That I am being explained and so on. That might stem from a childhood where I maybe was "always under". There might be some wounds there.
For that reason I might often interpret everything in the worst meaning?
I am sorry to everyone for not maybe really understand what might be behind the words? What you maybe really mean.
I am sorry for not being perfect? Could it be said like that?
When that said, I want to express myself as clear as possible: I am not asking for a lot of advices, not asking for being fixed in the above questions, I think.
I might need to be much more clear when I express myself. I guess I often don't dare to be clear, direct and straight-on. I might go around, maybe asking to be fixed; Maybe because that is what I know from childhood.
Maybe this is what/ how I think that I can get relations to other people; Thinking that if I am underdog they might like me and what to be together with me.
My childhood was terrible maybe for me, and for that reason I might have problems today. What I might need to do is doing through it, own it and casting it away?
(Just a rhetorical question, I guess. I think I don't want to be fixed. Donno why I then put up questionmarks. Maybe because I think it is uncomfortable to be strict/ firm. Maybe I get a lot of fear from that, and it is uncomfortable. Maybe I also judge all other who is strict/ firm. Maybe I should be more strict/ firm.)
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2012 1:42:28 GMT -7
So, when that said, how to express myself, how to express another opinion and so on in a good way.
Open sharing of thoughts; You are welcome to share your own thoughts or talk to me with respect, i.e. asking me directly what I mean and so on:
What is not welcome is threating me like I was a package that must be fixed:
Or another way to state it; If somecome says something that I might disagree with, what to do then? Say nothing? Confirming what I like, and stating my own view?
Maybe I should be better at affirming other people first?
Just some thougts, and again, not asking to be fixed. When I am fixed and threated like **** (sorry if that word is not okay) or threated like I was a thing, I might feel quite bad.
I feel like I am underdog; I guess I need to be in contact with other people, but not like an object that is used.
I guess there is nothing wrong with clear boundaries that tell very clear what is allowed and what is not allowed, but those things are external things, I think.
When it comes to internal things, I guess/ think other people should not be so much into it?
I guess I need to be changed internally, but I guess other people might not be able to do that?
Just some open questions again.
Feel free to share YOUR thoughts with me again and be in a dialogue with respect if you want..
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2012 1:46:44 GMT -7
So Tim, not sure how to do it in a friendly way, but maybe a little comment on being married and not being married;
I have a feeling it doesn't matter whether I am married or not when it comes to use of pornography?
If I use porn, I get obsessed with it and has little energy leftover to other people, and it might be the same whether I am married or not?
Just some some thoughts. Maybe a little bit difficult to putting up my thoghts and commenting on what other people say?
Hmm
My best
Thanks
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2012 2:55:00 GMT -7
I agree. There are people who think that porn is OK if I am not married, but not OK if I am. I think this is wrong for a whole lot of reasons; the one you cite is a very deep and important one.
The difference, if there is one, is only that when one is married and has children, the hurt and betrayal caused by our actions can be much more personally painful because there are specific people we are called to love and to support and to be faithful to, and we are not doing those things. That makes our betrayal that much clearer and sharper. For spouses, especially, the sexual betrayal can be emotionally devastating.
Of course, someone who isn't married may still have close family, friends, students, whatever who are entitled to love and care and intimacy. Ignoring those relationships is also a serious problem.
So I think we at least largely agree?
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2012 3:21:09 GMT -7
Yes, thanks also a lot for sharing that there might be a special call to love somebody specially. Thanks Another thought when it comes to being single; Why should a single person train himself to escape and trying to get rid of that habit later on and not using the time to develop personally? To go into drug is the same as saying to oneself; I freeze all my talents and don't develop them? So to stay away from drugs (all kind of drugs?) might help a person to get in touch with mim/ herself, get in contact with self and develop and create meaningful relations both now and later on? Another thing is that most people meet people at the same level?, so if a person want to develop and have quality-relations with other people he/ she might need to be in touch with him/herself and be a quality/good/okay-person, and that might not happen if that person hide? So, as far as I can see there might be as important for a single person to stay away from drug as for a married person. In worst case, if I say it is more important for married people to be pure, I might value them higher? Saying they are more valuable, more worthy? Just some thoughts
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