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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2012 19:02:50 GMT -7
Hi everyone,
I havent posted in awhile, i just wanted to share that i caught my spouse finally red handed having a full blown sexual affair. I found a fake fb account and i read all the horrible things he was saying to her, sexual and bashing me as a woman and as a mother.
This all happened april 28th, needless to say i made him leave.
He is now crying and begging for forgiveness. After he refused to accept he is a sex addict, now after he has a full blown affair, he wants to fix all of this? ??!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to kill him, i cant be around him for a minute witjout shaking and coming unglued.
I am so angry!!!!!!!!!! How could he be so selfish!!!!!! He has hurt our whole family!!!!!!!!!!!! Cousins, gmas everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!,for some gross woman who goes out with married men!!
This is the final straw, am filing for divorce.
Need2befree
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2012 6:19:46 GMT -7
Hugs Need2befree....hugs and more hugs. There is a point, beyond which, the marriage is irretrievable. It's clear that you've reached that point.....and rightfully so. Seems you've been blessed with absolute clarity on the subject. May you likewise be blessed with strength, determination, and the fortitude necessary to forge a better life for yourself. GO GIRL GO!!!
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2012 19:20:07 GMT -7
Thanks DW!
I think its time to move on, it is still very painful to let go, but i need to be freeeeeeeee.
Much love
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2012 6:33:14 GMT -7
Hi
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2012 6:40:22 GMT -7
Well udate,
My spouse never actually met the woman it was all cyber sex which doesn't make it much better.
He is begging for another chance and tells me he is the only woman he has ever loved.
I am giving him one more chance .
The real underlying problem is the intimacy anorexia, and we are going to travel to colorado for a three day intensive retreat.
They also have phone counselling. But we need to go there.
I am starting to forgive because of his getting out of denial. So we will see?
Need2bfree
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2012 14:30:40 GMT -7
Praying... TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2012 20:27:53 GMT -7
It might be beneficial to reflect if you contributed to your husband seeking intimacy services elsewhere. People who cant get what they expect at home would most likely look out for opportunities that present themselves.
A counseling session by an unrelated third party will help in throwing light at what grieves your relationship. You can then fortify this with a spiritual retreat.
The above is just a recommendation / free advice.
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2012 0:25:13 GMT -7
Everybody in need2bfree's situation has reflected on this. What have I done to cause my partner's betrayal? It's a universal reaction.
In the case of a sexually addicted spouse, it's also completely unhelpful, and part of what partners' recovery includes is really understanding just that. Like nearly every married addict I know, I was addicted before I met my wife. I stayed addicted during courtship and marriage. Had our marriage ended before I got serious about recovery, I would have continued to be an active addict afterwards. My wife had nothing to do with it. She didn't cause the addiction, and she couldn't have cured it.
In part, that's because sex addiction doesn't really have anything to do with sex. Sex is my drug of choice, but the addiction exists as a way to run from other people, to run from myself, to hide from unpleasant feelings, to present a safe façade. I do that with sex; others use alcohol or drugs or overeating or gambling or a myriad of things. The fact that addicts commonly have multiple addictions or move from one addictive behavior to another is the proof. Sex addiction isn't about sex, and it certainly isn't about the spouse.
Of course, it's not only spouses who have this mistaken belief. Again, every married sex addict I know has believed that getting married would cure the addiction. It hasn't worked for any of us. Want to make people laugh in an SAA meeting? Say, as newcomers often do when sharing their story, "I thought it would change when I got married." Everyone in the room will smile and nod. We all thought that. We, too, had to learn that it wasn't true.
The notion that our spouses are somehow to blame for what we do is a way we delude ourselves about the true nature of our condition, and a way we shift blame away from ourselves. Sometimes our spouses mistakenly accept that blame. But there's a world of hurt in that path, both for us and for them.
Want more free advice? Don't go there.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2012 6:58:25 GMT -7
Well said, Tim.
FB777, I think you need to hear the another side to this. My "husband" initially tried to blame me for the porn. Fortunately I'd been to this site and read many of Mike Genung's writings BEFORE I confronted him, so I was prepared for the blame game. I rehearsed these phrases and delivered them with gusto:
"It's my fault there are girls our daughter's age, tied up with rope, begging to be f****** on your computer?" Even the addict could see that was not going to fly. I followed up with:
"I hereby unequivocally refuse delivery of any portion of the blame for your addiction." Even as stupid as he is, he got the message.
Tim put it very eloquently. Let me give you a different perspective, FB777.....If you go there, and your wife has any knowledge about this addiction or has done any reading about it, any attempt to blame her will unleash an uncontrollable torrent of shear rage. You will not recognize your wife. I wouldn't go there if I were you. NO WOMAN is the cause of your sin. As I learned through the process, my husband was addicted before he met me. Tim is dead on accurate when he says that marriage didn't cause this nor will it cure it. My "husband" is living proof of that.
Be well, DW
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2012 21:27:16 GMT -7
Well, Tim is the best person to advise you because he's married (and I'm not); plus, he's been there.
I can understand your anger & outrage, but what you plan to do in the near future will determine your happiness thereafter. One consolation is that your husband didnt actually associate with this woman, physically. How will you solve this?
You can divorce / separate from your husband, but that will have prolonged negative effects on your emotional wellbeing and your daughter.
Or you can try work things out with people who can help: counsellors, priests, etc. If you do choose to work things out, you will have to be patient and loving, as an addiction cannot be cured in a day. With love & caring, you can probably wean your husband away from his distructive need. (If you do choose this path, you have to make sure that you do not make him perceive that you are on a higher moral ground and this subject must not come up
later in any other unrelated disagreement that you may have, otherwise your husband will assume that the reconcilliation attempt was just superficial, and probably lapse out of frustration)
I know that you are not feeling particularly forgiving right now, but I urge you to take your decision with a calm mind in consultation with people whom you trust.
I wish you the best. Hope things work out for you.
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2012 1:43:09 GMT -7
Maybe. But so does living with an active addict. The abuse and neglect and duplicity that entails often leads to addiction in the next generation as well, and a raft of other psychological issues. I've got some experience with this, too. Divorce always has pains and challenges, but in some situations, it really is an empowering awakening of freedom after a long nightmare.
No. Recovery is something an addict has to do for himself. Others can listen, but they can't force, they can't cure, they can't wean. They didn't cause the addiction, and they can't cure it. Not allowing themselves to get caught in a codependent web of trying to exert power over something about which the addict himself is powerless is crucial to the well-being of family and friends. The good people of Alanon collectively have tens of millions of years of experience dealing with this, and their testimony ought to be taken seriously.
No. "Lapsing out of frustration" is blameshifting. Say it again: She didn't cause it. She can't cure it. Addicts are responsible for their own actions. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have had another affair, but you did xyz" is just like "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have hit you, but you made me angry by xyz." It's always abuse.
You're right that finding healthy ground rules for discussion when somebody is recovering from addiction, especially when the addiction has led to extensive lying and to adultery, isn't easy. The addict may well feel enormous shame and enormous vulnerability, and will be unlikely to be able to sustain a regimen of 24/7 focus on their past addictive behavior. If the relationship is to survive, the addict does need some sort of safe haven. That said, though, the spouse, for whom everything the addict has hidden for years is new, is going to need to hear quite a lot, and is going to need to say quite a lot, and those needs are going to go on for a long time. The addict needs to accept that. If the relationship is to survive, the spouse also needs space to share her feelings, some of which are going to hurt. I didn't enjoy listening to my wife say that she had no pure memories left of our 30 years together, but she needed to say that, and I needed to hear it.
The addict had also better get used to humbly acknowledging that the reason it sometimes seems his betrayed spouse thinks she is on higher moral ground than he is that she is on higher moral ground than he. I lied to my wife. I ignored my wife. I betrayed my wife. I abused my wife and my kids. I don't wear any of those badges with pride, but the sooner I can learn to speak the truth about myself, the sooner I can begin to move to a place where I don't need to do those things in the future. My honesty about myself has to be accompanied by gentleness with self, for one reason because if I'm awash in self-hatred, I'll never be able to be rigorously honest. But as long as I'm hiding from the truth about my own actions, I'm not yet healing.
Just how it seems to me, of course. I know you're trying to be helpful and share your best insights, but I think you're in a confusing business. There are lots of perfectly reasonable things that addicts can't do. We're not rational actors. Sensible, reasonable advice may therefore not be all that helpful to us. There are also plenty of things in the dynamics of the soul both of the addict and of the partner, and in the structure of a marriage, that are not so clear until one experiences them. So please don't take my firmness of conviction as hostility. I'm just trying to state clearly and directly what I think is the experience of a whole lot of people on both sides of the fence. None of this is stuff any of us is born knowing. And I've been wrong before, and plan to be wrong again. Unpredictably. Without wraning.
Peace,
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2012 7:58:52 GMT -7
Absolutely correct, Tim. The sooner the addict learns to speak the truth about himself, the sooner the addict begins to heal and the sooner the wife is assured that he is seeing clearly, perhaps for the first time in decades. Although my husband's haughty, condescending sneering has stopped, I see no evidence of humility or true remorse. He's sorry he got caught. He's sorry I know the truth. But deep down, he still thinks this is all my fault. I can see it in his eyes and he still makes me justify every move. Net bottom line: I've lost all respect for him because he cannot speak the truth about himself. I don't love him and I stay in the marriage only due to a sense of duty.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2012 8:01:54 GMT -7
Dear Need2BFree,
Please don't throw good years of your life after bad. I bid you peace.
Best, DW
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2012 9:36:42 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2012 19:27:49 GMT -7
Hi,
Wow, fb777, you sound like my husband, blaming me for his adultery.
He recently sort of spilled his guts at my insisting.
I was sickened mostly because all the stuff he admitted to we have had massive.fights over , me yelling him lying..
What a waste of energy.
Tim give me some hope that things can change, how can an average woman ever compete with porn, and any random hot looking female in a sex addicts line of sight?
And I have been doing a lot of research and I think I am a relationship addict and thats why I cant get out of this abusive marriage.
I am trying DW!
Thanks for being here,
Need2bfree
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