Post by Deleted on May 23, 2012 22:31:18 GMT -7
Hi need2bfree
I think you have misconstrued my response, at least its intent. Let me clarify:
I firmly believe that to solve any problem, one must examine all the possible causative factors and eliminate them sequentially, until the real root cause is found. This scientific approach will aid us in arriving at the best / most appropriate solution. My first post did just that: seek to eliminate “you†as the cause for the sex addiction.
My second post gave you to most common ways one would use to deal with your kind of problem, along with the possible fallout of each decision. At the same time, I reiterated that Tim is your best advisor for obvious reasons.
Personally, I don’t agree with some parts of Tim’s response because, though the common approach is hurt & retaliation, I have personally seen addictive behaviors better resolved with love, care and understanding, rather than anger, resentment, moral standing, etc. This is my opinion (which I’m entitled to). I seen men get women in their lives: wives, girlfriends, sisters, etc., assist them to give up addictive behaviors: smoking, drinking, etc. My own father gave up 5 decades of a moderate-heavy smoking habit in an instant after a decent heart-to-heart talk with my mother; naturally, there was support and encouragement along the way. An anger solution leads to an eye-for-an-eye approach, which in turn, will leave everyone involved blind. You wrote about the results of the anger solution: “me, yelling; him, lying…†Where would you want it to end?
In theory, the love approach should apply to other addictive behaviors too. In the bible, you will find the approach Jesus used with the adulterous woman; what would have happened to the woman if Jesus got wild and condemned the woman to hell right away? Love changes everyone and everything: the condescending, haughty attitude you talk about could disappear. I don’t know if you have read the book, “Run baby runâ€, the story about Nicky Cruz (I read it a long time ago. That is a prime example of change). I could suggest other books, like the one on male sexuality that tells of how/why men turn to porn and possible solutions, but I don’t think, given your immediate situation, you are ready for that right now. Nevertheless, please hear suggestions from all, but follow your heart when it comes to a solution, for you will have to live with that decision for the remainder of time.
I know you/Tim might argue that smoking/drinking/etc. cannot be compared with sex addiction. In response I say again, do what you feel is the best thing. You are well aware of the long term consequences of all the possible choices you might make in this regard.
Inspite of the above, if you still feel I sound like your husband, I rest my case.
I think you have misconstrued my response, at least its intent. Let me clarify:
I firmly believe that to solve any problem, one must examine all the possible causative factors and eliminate them sequentially, until the real root cause is found. This scientific approach will aid us in arriving at the best / most appropriate solution. My first post did just that: seek to eliminate “you†as the cause for the sex addiction.
My second post gave you to most common ways one would use to deal with your kind of problem, along with the possible fallout of each decision. At the same time, I reiterated that Tim is your best advisor for obvious reasons.
Personally, I don’t agree with some parts of Tim’s response because, though the common approach is hurt & retaliation, I have personally seen addictive behaviors better resolved with love, care and understanding, rather than anger, resentment, moral standing, etc. This is my opinion (which I’m entitled to). I seen men get women in their lives: wives, girlfriends, sisters, etc., assist them to give up addictive behaviors: smoking, drinking, etc. My own father gave up 5 decades of a moderate-heavy smoking habit in an instant after a decent heart-to-heart talk with my mother; naturally, there was support and encouragement along the way. An anger solution leads to an eye-for-an-eye approach, which in turn, will leave everyone involved blind. You wrote about the results of the anger solution: “me, yelling; him, lying…†Where would you want it to end?
In theory, the love approach should apply to other addictive behaviors too. In the bible, you will find the approach Jesus used with the adulterous woman; what would have happened to the woman if Jesus got wild and condemned the woman to hell right away? Love changes everyone and everything: the condescending, haughty attitude you talk about could disappear. I don’t know if you have read the book, “Run baby runâ€, the story about Nicky Cruz (I read it a long time ago. That is a prime example of change). I could suggest other books, like the one on male sexuality that tells of how/why men turn to porn and possible solutions, but I don’t think, given your immediate situation, you are ready for that right now. Nevertheless, please hear suggestions from all, but follow your heart when it comes to a solution, for you will have to live with that decision for the remainder of time.
I know you/Tim might argue that smoking/drinking/etc. cannot be compared with sex addiction. In response I say again, do what you feel is the best thing. You are well aware of the long term consequences of all the possible choices you might make in this regard.
Inspite of the above, if you still feel I sound like your husband, I rest my case.