New introduction

Welcome!  I'm on the other side of the fence, but I wanted to make sure you got a reply as promptly as possible on a board with very little traffic.  I'm sure you'll hear from some of the other spouses over the next day or so.

Be well,

Tim M.

Welcome, Lesorita.......

I've been married to an addict for 25 years.  I have no doubt whatsoever that your life has been filled with heartache and loneliness.  I also have no doubt that every aspect of your life has been impacted by your addicts sin. 

If you are not going to physically leave, then I think you have to emotionally leave....and by that I mean you have to erect walls to protect yourself from further emotional harm and you have to seek emotional relationship with others.  This is what I have unconsciously done throughout the years.  It's a poor substitute for emotional relationship with your husband, but it's the best we can do if we choose not to leave.  Please know that your needs for emotional intimacy are real and legitimate.  They need to be met.  If your addict has been at this for 41 years, I think it unlikely that he will change or mature into an adult who can meet your real, legitimate needs.   One thing I've come to realize is that the emotional maturation process is halted by exposure to porn.  Addicts are trapped in perpetual emotional childhood. 

Never doubt your perceptions of the situation.  Addicts work very hard to make you believe that your perceptions of the situation are wrong.  Don't believe it for an instant.  Your feelings are real and legitimate.  He sees the world through a lens of childish, self-delusion.   You are the adult in the situation.  Please know that in your heart.

My best,  DW

Dear Lesorita,

If you are feeling depressed, I would urge you to go to your doctor and level with him or her about what is going on in your life.  Tell him/her that you are suffering from depression and ask if medication might help you.  There is no reason for you to suffer.  I have personally resisted taking medication, but in retrospect, I wonder if that was a bad decision.  Immediately after I found my husband's stash, I was devastated.  I probably should have been committed.  I analogize to the immediate aftermath of an accident.  Physically, you would be in terrible pain and the doctors would treat your pain with opiates or some other drug.  The emotional pain that we experience immediately in response to finding the stash is no different.  I should have taken something--anything and everything, but I didn't.  I now believe that was a mistake.

Long term, when someone suffers from physical pain, there are pain specialists who do nothing but treat the pain.  Those who choose to stay in these relationships will be in long-term emotional pain.  I think that is a given.  Just as you wouldn't expect someone to endure long-term physical pain without treatment, I don't think we should expect ourselves to endure long-term emotional pain without treatment. 

Treatment with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI's) has been a godsend to my mother and to the addict in my life.  My mother was terribly ill, and the SSRI's helped her to deal with that.  The addict has been self-medicating for decades.  He's now medicated by a doctor.  It's done wonders for him.

Please take care of yourself.......

My best,  DW

 

mustard seed'

     I too bellieve in God and His strength has sustained me over the long haul.  The problem is that when my husband acts out over and over again , I doubt God's ability to make a change and become despondent.  This sounds like a terrible lack of faith on my part, but I am being honest in the way I feel.  I am glad that you and your spouse pray together.  I am at the point where praying doesn't make sense because I am lacking in faith that GOd can make the change.  Thank you for your prayers. 

Hi Lesorita,

Please keep in mind that God will never use His almighty power to trample the free will he has given us, no matter how badly we misues it.  God has not changed or moved, but is waiting for your husband to move toward Him, and use the resources He has made available to facilitate change.  If your husband is not ready to do that, please do not take that as a reflection on God.

TruthSeeker

Dear Lesorita,

I'm not a medicating kind of person either.  I try to take natural supplements when at all possible, but I realize that if I had a broken leg......I'd take morphine, heroin, whatever I could get my hands on to deal with the intense pain of the accident. 

Likewise, if I had enduring physical pain.......I would take what I had to to treat the pain and preserve quality of life.

This ain't no dress rehearsal.  We've been dealt a terrible hand.  For those who choose to stay and play the hand, I think it makes sense to treat the pain.

I am not taking antidepressants at this time, but I am exercising twice a week with a trainer and walking on the treadmill 3 - 4 times a week.  The exercise releases endorphins and helps me to deal with the stress/mess in my life.  I've lost 20 pounds in the last year, feel better than I have in decades.  Perhaps this would be a reasonable alternative for you if you are not already exercising.  Just food for thought......but please, do not accept depression as your norm.  You deserve to life a happy, peaceful, serene life. 

My best,  DW

Dear DW,

     Thank you for your post.  It is not an easy thing for me to admit that I have so little faith right now.  I have so many conflicting feelings. 

     I also must admit that I feel guilty for not having set proper boundaries with my husband earlier in the marriage.  I was so lacking in self esteem that I blamed myself for his indiscretions.  I don't honestly know what I would have done if I was financially secure within myself.  I have always been a stay at home mom and I loved it.  When my children were young, I stayed so busy with them that I wasn't aware of my husband's actions.  As they grew up and left the nest, some things were revealed to me.  I guess that I thought if I just prayed enough things would change, NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A book that I have read and re-read is Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn of the New Life Clinic.  It has been such a source of validation for me.  I look at my life and wonder if I was ever actively in it!!!  I am fairly old now and the future isn't looking very bright, but I have pretty much nailed myself in my coffin.  I am trying to believe God now for a purpose for my life to be revealed.  I don't think I am too old to accomplish some good. 

     It is a good thing to be able to tell the truth. It will truly set you free. 

God bless,

Lesorita