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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2011 2:21:31 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2011 3:42:50 GMT -7
Lovely, flowery words.......written on a paper........
They are the right words, but they are still only words. I see some self-realization sneeking into his thinking, and that is good, but it is not enough.
What has he DONE or what is he planning on DOING to combat his addiction and make amends to you and the children?
DEEDS? Do we see any deeds?
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2011 4:07:19 GMT -7
I haven't been in your situation, so this is very much the tentative reaction of an outsider.
I think there is good stuff there. Talking about his insecurity is revealing something about himself that is probably hard to admit, and it's seeing something about himself that I, at least, buried so deeply that it was largely hidden from myself. So I think there's some exploration and growth happening here.
But the action part is still pretty shy on details. I would think you would want to see more, and I would think you would want to see the action actually changing things before you could begin to feel any confidence and certainly before you could make a decision to remain together in the future.
The proclamations of love feel like they're looking for an expression of love and forgiveness from you that I think is unrealistic at this time.
The perspectives of an addict and a spouse at this point in the process can be very different. The addict has finally come clean, finally admitted things that had been hidden in shame for years or for decades or for a lifetime. That's terrifying, but it can also feel wonderful not to be hiding (or at least, not to be hiding part of it). That can feel like the end of a nightmare. The addict is now ready to start again, to be done with that horrific past that he has been burdened by every day, to be hugged and forgiven and move on. The nightmare is over.
But of course, from the spouse's perspective, that's nuts. The addict may just have found relief by confessing decades of sin, but the spouse has suddenly had laid upon her decades of betrayal that she knew nothing of. For her, a whole new stage of the nightmare has just begun. Setting it aside and moving on? No way!
So I guess what I'd encourage is letting things happen at their own time. It's too early to tell whether he's starting into a new life or not. I'm sure he means what he writes, but it's impossible to know whether he has really been so broken at this point that he can find the help he needs, change who he is deeply and fundamentally, and emerge a new person, or whether there is so much he is still not willing to let go of that he can't do what part of him desires. It's going to take months or years before one can have any measure of confidence about that, and even then, addicts hide relapses and spouses can be wrong. Any possible future reconciliation has to happen at your pace, not at his.
And as you look to the future, it's important to be realistic about the fact that any addict can always return to his old ways. Continuing in relationship with an addict means accepting that risk. People can recover and marriages can survive. I'm still married, and I think that has been the right decision by my wife both for herself and for the kids. I'm deeply grateful that she believes that. But she's taking a big risk. Some people who take that risk find it pays off, and others get burnt. Be sure you're realistic when you reach the point of deciding that either way.
For now, his job needs to be focusing on getting sober and finding recovery. What happens to the marriage is a distraction from that. He needs to accept that and get on with his job. At some future point, other issues can get addressed.
Of course, you would also be completely justified in deciding you had had enough now.
Enough rambling. I'll quit. I don't know if any of this is useful or right.
Oh, and just to say the obvious, you and he need to be tested for STDs, and you need to see his results, not just hear them from him.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2011 9:20:37 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2011 10:44:55 GMT -7
Hi LadyP,
With the time invested, "wait and see" may be your wises choice for now. If he truly has no other place to go, he will be best able to proceed with his list of actions with the stability of a roof. It may not be much more than a roof for now, but it will also give you the best vantage point for observing his actions/behavior. I think that it is fair to say that it is premature for assurance of reconciliation, reminding him that this is something he must do for himself, for his well-being, and for his relationship with God, because if he is only interested in pasifying you, it will not last. You need time to process the pain, and await results of blood tests.
Even if you have an intellectual understanding that forgiveness may be possible in the future, letting him off the hook too easily is probably not wise.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2011 11:33:33 GMT -7
There are people who do an in-house separation in which one partner lives in a basement room or some such without contact with the other. That may well not be OK with you, and may well not be wise now at a time when holding as firm a line as possible is a good idea. I merely mention it as a possibility without even the slightest hint of a recommendation.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2011 21:23:12 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2011 21:26:39 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2011 0:34:19 GMT -7
Hi LadyP,
I'd say that your emotional roller-coaster is running about average. It differs somewhat in its progression depending on what actions the addict actually takes. It is good to have an outlet like this, and/or local friends/family if you feel comfortable sharing with any, so you will hopefully not let this spill too much onto the kids.
And praying... TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2011 0:44:22 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2011 1:18:59 GMT -7
Hi LadyP,
With God all things are possible.
But He will not override our free will, so if your husband will not use his free will to seek freedom...
All wounds/broken bones have scar tissue, but often that scar tissue makes for strength that was not there before. Also, overcoming this does not mean that the day to day challenges and work of marriage are behind you. So, yes, it is possible, but it is an uphill battle.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2011 5:57:24 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2011 5:58:42 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2011 6:35:50 GMT -7
What are the emotions that you go through? In short, you are going through grief. You will likely experience every emotion that you find in a person who is grieving.
You are grieving the loss of the life you thought you had. The realization that your entire marriage has been a lie is quite a shock for anyone and I don't think anyone could or should be prepared for such an event.
Shock, disbelief, anger, pain, disgust, are all normal emotions for you right now.
"What can I do to fix this?" This is so typical. They just want this to be over. They have NO CLUE what they've done to you as a woman, but they want you to be "fixed" quickly. Your response was dead on. The only thing that could possibly fix this is to go back in time, and clearly, that's not possible. He's just going to have to suffer the consequences. Your healing cannot adhere to his schedule. This is your grief, and you have to work through it at your pace. Don't allow him to rush you or to tell you that what you are experiencing is "wrong" or "completely out of place." He has no clue what he has done to you. He can't possibly fix this. He can't possibly fathom what you are experiencing. He must not be permitted to interfere with your approach to healing. It's something you have to do, for yourself and by yourself....with the support of understanding women.
My best to you, DW
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2011 6:45:17 GMT -7
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