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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2011 2:37:16 GMT -7
"...but I hope you realise that my intent and purpose is genuine...."
ONLY DEEDS can show you that. I call BS foul on all of it until he shows you concrete action.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2011 9:00:32 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2011 9:07:00 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2011 11:00:34 GMT -7
LadyP,
The home pages of the main 12-step S-fellowships are at
saa-recovery.org/
slaafws.org/
sa.org/
One can go there are follow links to find face-to-face meetings, Skype meetings, text meetings, and phone meetings. If he's looking for face-to-face meetings, SAA has UK meetings at Aberdeen, Banbury, Brighton, Bristol, Cambridge, Dundee, Eastbourne, Edinburgh, Folkestone, Glasgow, Guildford, Leeds, London, Milton Keynes, Nottingham, Plymouth, Portsmouth (Hampshire), Reading (Berkshire), Rochester (Kent), Sheffield, Totnes (Devon), Tunbridge Wells, and Weston-super-Mare. SLAA has meetings in about as many places, including many cities not on that list. SA has a smaller list of meetings, but again, it includes places not on the other lists.
I'll let him explore for Skype and phone and chat meetings. All are listed in places linked from those sites.
For you, there are Alanon-like fellowships for partners of sex addicts at
cosa-recovery.org/ , coda.org/ , www.coslaa.org/ , and sanon.org/ . DevastatedWife will tell you with vigorous forthrightness that not every spouse finds these fellowships helpful, but I mention them if you want to explore anyway. My wife also does not attend any of these fellowships, but she finds the concept of codependency more personally descriptive than does DW.
Peace,
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2011 12:03:43 GMT -7
Hi LadyP,
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is very difficult especially when first discovered. Stay close to God and HE will carry you even though at times it may feel you are alone, know that you are not and you also have us here.
This site might also help you as well, Barbara does phone coaching/counseling and she sees what we go through as spouses as trauma instead of the co-dependancy label we usually get:
safepassagescounseling.com/
DEEDS and BEHAVIORS are the true indicator when it comes to our husbands...you are not alone!
Regards,
Lonely1
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2011 6:06:30 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2011 7:17:53 GMT -7
Hi LadyP,
The list of books DW posted is excellent. I am nearing the end of An Affair of the Mind, and finding it well written.
I'm glad that no one at your church said anything insensitive. That often happens--everything from blaming the wife to simplistic forgive and forget. I hope that your husband follows through.
I like this quote from An Affair of the mind: "Repentance is walking a mile in the shoes of the one we've wounded. Repentance demands that we lie for a time in the bed we have made. In real repentance, we feel the pain we have caused others and ourselves. If we haven't felt the wounding we've caused, we can't possibly appreciate the forgiveness we're offered."
In other words, true repentance requires impathy for you and your children. Don't rush to let him off the hook from self-loathing. That is part of the process, though he may need to be nudged beyond it. It is important to differentiate between his behavior and his personhood. He needs to learn to do that, too.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2011 8:00:19 GMT -7
Dear LadyP,
I'm happy you are seeing action. Please remember, addicts are master manipulators. If he thinks crying in front of you will get you to back down, that's what he'll do. Don't back down, don't go wobbly. And remember you can't make him do anything. You can only enforce your boundaries. It's a subtle difference, but you have to give him the choice to act or not to act. If he chooses not to act, you have to be ready, willing and able to throw him out.
My best to you, DW
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2011 8:17:31 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2011 8:38:55 GMT -7
So, how does that change the equation?
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2011 9:12:59 GMT -7
Hi LadyP,
...Other than requiring him to get tested for STD's, with you present for the results, of course.
It is not uncommon for the layers of involvement to get pealed back like an onion. The feeling of waiting for other shoes to drop is really bad. I hope he comes fully clean with you soon. It is fair to tell him that you want to know it all now, because if you find out more later it will make trust that much harder to reestablish.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2011 9:21:39 GMT -7
Truthseeker is right, LadyP.
The drip, drip, drip disclosure method is the worst. Tell him he has to come clean about everything. Now.
Everytime I find another piece of my husband's puzzle, it rips open the wounds. In order to start truly healing, you need to know it all........now.
The drip, drip, drip method has absolutely destroyed any hope of repairing my marriage. He needs to understand that the only hope of healing and reconciliation occurs with full disclosure.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2011 10:36:23 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2011 11:00:19 GMT -7
LadyP, I'm so sorry. Sending cyber-hugs...and praying...
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2011 2:20:55 GMT -7
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