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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2010 3:19:14 GMT -7
I'm at a crossroads with making a decision about my marriage. I have a question for the SA members....after 8 months of therapy, shouldn't the "acting out" have stopped? I realize my husband has a 40 year history dealing with this. If there hasn't been a change by now, will I ever see one?
Allalone
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2010 2:10:11 GMT -7
I'm not quite sure how to answer a question of "should." Should the acting out have stopped? Sure. In fact, it should never have begun.
That's probably not answering the real question, though. I'm guessing the real question is twofold - how long does it typically take addicts to get sober, and how long can you, and should you, wait and hope for a change?
Unfortunately, the experience of people that I know suggests that how long it takes to get and stay sober is all over the map. There are people who make a decision and never act out again. Most of the people I know like that are folks who have been caught by the law and have reacted to the shock of being jailed by really hitting bottom. At the other extreme, I know people who have faithfully attended meetings for 10 years, reading and doing workbooks and thinking hard about their situations, and who still act out a lot. They are good and gentle and Christian folks who are trying thoughtfully, but there's some element of surrender they haven't yet found. I know people who took several years to find a way to make it work, and who then did that and who have now been sober for a decade. I know people who got sober within a first year, stayed sober for 2 or 3 or 8 years, and then began slipping again, finding themselves stuck in a low level of acting out every few months. (I was one of these people, and hope I have found the next stage of laying aside those nightmarish mini-relapses.) I know people who have relapsed more forcefully. So we're all over the place.
In a way, of course, I'm guessing it's those folks who take 5 years to pull it together and then become icons of recovery and sobriety who are the problem for you. One of the most recovered people I know is just like that. He'll say calmly that he's been in the program for 13 years and has been sober for 8, and will observe that what this means is that the program works, but that it can take a long time. Today, he's a paradigm of where recovery can take us, but he took years to find a way to make it work.
So how long should you wait, and when do you quit? I don't have an answer to that. When have you had enough? When is the continuing damage to your kids from living with an active addict - which for my kids was real and substantial - greater than the hurt from divorce? When does the certainty of more pain for you outweigh the hope of possible future release from suffering for him? I don't think anybody else can answer those questions. They have to come from you, working with your counselor, who knows you and the situation (how hard he's working, whether things are improving, perhaps if there's a bottom he's approaching) better than we can. You have to do what's right for you.
Wish I had a better and clearer answer.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2010 2:39:45 GMT -7
Dear AllAlone,
If throwing him out of the house did not prompt a change in his behavior, I question if anything will.
Of course, as Tim cogently points out, there are exceptions to that. I gave myself and the addict in my life two years. At this point, I'd have to say my addict is doing better than I am. The paradox is at work......the addict is freed from the secret life and is in recovery..........and the wife's hell has just begun.
I understand the indecision---really I do. Tim correctly points out that the damage being inflicted on the kids is a consideration. Let me raise another one: You've already spent 20+ years of your life with an addict. Do you want to spend the next 20 years of your life with an addict? One who is not in active recovery? If he never recovers, will you go to your grave an angry and bitter woman? Can you set a date certain......a date by which he must SHOW you that he is in active recovery or you will divorce him? Pick a reasonable time frame.........two years struck me as reasonable. Some of the best advice I received from a friend: Don't run to divorce court. Take a year and let the dust settle. Those were/are wise words.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2010 3:06:37 GMT -7
Thank you all for your words of wisdom. If I am to be completely honest with myself, I would have to say I knew the answers before I asked the questions. I just keep hoping that someone will tell me that it will be all right and by such and such a date, everything will be fine. Why can't there be someone out there with a crystal ball?
It is just so painful. Every lie and every episode of "acting out" is like a knife in my back. I keep reliving the discovery over and over again. The saddest part of all this is that his therapists think he's making great strides in recovery considering how long he has been dealing with this. Apparently, he is able to open up to them and even though he still acts out, he is learning and changing his coping methods and beginning to deal with his childhood issues. While I'm happy for his progress, I'm a little resentful that he can't seem to "bond" with me. After all, whose name is on the marriage license? Certainly not his therapists'!
I'm not sure what I want to do right now. It's very scary because I see myself headed towards my own "bottom". Everyone has their breaking point and I'll know when enough is enough. I'm just scared that that point will come before he's into any meaningful recovery. Which means divorced parents for my children, having to sell the home they've grown up in and additional financial burden for us all.
I've thrown myself into my work and that has helped tremendously. But I'm finding an increase in my moments of despair. I guess I'll just take another deep breath and forge on until there's no more air to breathe!
Thanks again,
allalone
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2010 3:27:54 GMT -7
"...I keep reliving the discovery...."
I think that is common, AllAlone. I keep reliving or "seeing" the images my husband had bookmarked. I want to believe this is the Holy Spirit trying to tell me something through this, but as Mike suggested, perhaps this is the devil at work trying to wear us both down.
The despair is something that I too am experiencing. I have always thought of myself as a strong woman, but I question if I need some medication.......for anxiety and depression. It's been 14 months since my discovery. I should be snapping out of this...but I'm not. The Lord seems distant or non-existant. The flip side of the question is this: If we were unaffected upon learning of our husband's extracurricular activities, what would that say about us? Our relationship? What woman could toss this off as no big deal? A certain amount of shock, dismay, despair and depression and disappointment has to be "normal." I question if I am outside the bounds of normal.
Please know.......you are not All Alone...........I too wish I had a crystal ball......would know that everything will be alright by a date certain. That's just not the reality we live in and it's a hard reality to face.
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2010 3:43:31 GMT -7
"That's just not the reality we live in and it's a hard reality to face."
I agree and understand it......I just don't like it!
allalone
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2010 6:42:53 GMT -7
Hello Everyone,
I have some questions for those wives who have somehow "made it". What does a marriage in recovery look like?
Every piece of literature about sex addiction tells you "there will be slips" so how do you handle that? How do you make the decision to stay in a marriage that you know will be violated by betrayal and mistrust? Do you just let it go? Do you say to yourself "that's his problem and doesn't concern me"? Don't you think about the possibility that you may be exposed to a disease that could possibly kill you? How do you believe an addict whose very existence is based on lies?
God is my source of comfort and strength but I can't believe he would want me to subject myself to that kind of lifestyle. I never made the decision to marry a sex addict so as far as I am concerned, I'm not really married, am I?
allalone
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2010 15:10:12 GMT -7
Hi Allalone,
I did not respond before, because my situation, though recovered and joyful, never involved physical unfaithfulness. I think that adds a significant dimension to the equation to which I am not qualified to speak, so my comments are based either on what I have read, or might think applicable from what minimal experience I have had. Unfortunately, few remain to support others, and almost no feedback is given as to long term recovery or lack thereof, so I can't even offer any statistics on the likelihood of ongoing sobriety.
A marriage in recovery should be healthy, with ongoing, constructive communication, genuine affection, and, of course, faith at its center. Depending on what has been involved in the breach of trust, I believe that accountability for computer use, time, mileage, and money are necessary. In order to rebuild trust he must avoid any possible appearance of wrong-doing.
The one slip that we experienced is why I ended up here. I incorporated steps not used the first time, since those had obviously been insufficient. But again, I had no reason to believe that I would be risking myself physically.
I suppose that some people would include addiction in the "for better or worse" category, but adultery appears to be in a league of its own in Scripture. When it comes down to it, consultation with pastor and counselors is probably your best guidance.
TruthSeeker
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