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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2010 11:02:17 GMT -7
Hi everyone,
I just met with my therapist and am somewhat disheartened. In my last post I mentioned that my husband is still struggling with Step 1, Realizing he is Powerless. He's still in a bit of denial.
Since his "diagnosis" I have been working much harder than he has. I've read everything I can from both the SA and S-Anon perspectives. I've been reading books on what a "healthy" marriage is. I try to share what I learned with him but his interest seems more obligatory towards me than truely wanting recovery.
We are meeting jointly with our therapist in a week or so and I discussed with our therapist my agenda for that meeting. I would like to put into place a "Marriage Recovery Plan" that will spell out what we are both committed to doing for our marriage. Along with that, we will also define the consequences of non-compliance.
One of my conditions has always been that he must follow his program. Right now I feel he is just going through the motions and hopefully this plan can spell out specific things he needs to get done. My idea is that if he doesn't comply, he will have to leave. I can't continue in this world of status quot....I need to see and feel that we are making some progress.
Maybe a trial separation will allow us to both clear our heads and really reflect on what's important for us as individuals, as a couple and for our family.
I'm so disheartened today because of a conflict in my head. It's very evident that he is immature as are all sex addicts. And, what I don't understand is how can an addict mature. After all, it takes 50 years for a person to mature to the level of a 50 year old. How is it possible for a sex addict to "catch up"? My heart aches for closeness and emotional intimacy. You can't get those "adult" feelings from an "adolescent".
I've only know of the sex addiction for a short period of time. But throughout our 22 year marriage I've been trying to capture the closeness and intimacy I need. I'm so very tired of trying and trying and trying. Am I just wasting my time here?
Today, I'm in the mood to just be done with all this madness. I'm sure others have been here before. Do I just hold on for another day? Will things really be better tomorrow?
My prayers for all,
allalone
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2010 13:41:30 GMT -7
Dear Allalone,
I asked my therapist on Tuesday: "Will I ever be married to an adult?" She didn't answer me.
I suspect we will always be married to emotionally immature children who are stuck in adult bodies.
I hope and pray that I am wrong, but I do not see emotional maturation in progress. I see someone who struggles to get through each day and who backslides.
I'll be praying for you.........
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2010 16:13:06 GMT -7
I'm so very tired. For 22 years I've been fighting for a partner instead of a child. I really don't think I have the energy or desire for another 22 years!
What am I doing here?
Am I realizing it's the end of my marriage or am I just having a "bad" day?
How do other wives....those with husbands in recovery.....handle it? I keep reading how marriages are BETTER when both work at it....but how is that possible? Do they all of a sudden "grow up"?
Allalone
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2010 17:02:55 GMT -7
Seperation is always a touchy issue but not a bad idea for a short time. "Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. - I Cor. 7:5" I think many times men need a wake up call to what they stand to lose. When they start having to lay in bed alone, eat microwave dinners, wear dirty clothes, and not be able to find anything, they realize how much they need a good woman in their life. Their loose women would never do those things for them and its time they realize we accept them for their shortcomings and that we do a great deal for them. They can't have both in their lives and the sooner they realize that the better.
When my husband lied a second time, after claiming to be clean for a month, I pulled up the proof, and left a note on the computer over it. I packed my bags and he came home from his trip to an empty house. He ended up going through the drive thru for dinner because the cook was on strike. After a night alone he pleaded for me to come home, that he had found a marriage counselor, which I had been begging him to do for a month. He was never happier than when I walked back through the door the next day. I hate to say it but I think one lady said it right when she said sometimes you have to be more of a mom disciplining her children. I know it's frustrating but sometimes I think men don't respect us if we don't follow through with our actions and let them know we mean business. It's so hard to want a man to lead as spiritual guide when so many men seem spiritually and emotionally immature/distant. Our society is horrible for teaching men that showing emotion is weakness. They bottle up their emotions and it seems like indifference to the problem at hand. I think a lot of guys also avoid dealing with the pain and embarassment, and you really have to light a fire under them, because "I'll get to it when I feel better" doesn't fly. I really feel for you because I know it's so frustrating because you're putting so much effort into getting help for something that is not your direct problem and not your fault. He needs to take the lead and become more involved in the recovery and I pray that he will move in this direction. You're supporting him but definitely not responsible for solving the problem. I love these lyrics from Alanis Morissette's song "Not the Doctor":
I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey Hidden in the bottom drawer I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine Lend me some fresh air I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you I don't want to be your babysitter You're a very big boy now I don't want to be your mother I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months Show me the back door
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2010 2:21:56 GMT -7
I haven't posted any updates lately. I've been trying to make some decisions. My husband is still acting out. He says the masturbation has drastically gone down but it's still there.
We had a small family dinner the other night before heading to our daughter's graduation ceremony. He called to say he was running late and would meet us there. Turns out he actually got out of work early and was where he wasn't supposed to be. Later that night when I confronted him about it, he lied and lied until I put the evidence in front of him. Then the lies turned into excuses. "I wasn't successful in my struggle today and I just didn't want to be around a lot of people".
No one was affected directly since everyone believed he was at work. Except for me, that is. And my daughter who I'm sure would have loved having Dad there the whole evening.
I told him I had enough and he had to move out. Mainly, because I don't think I can deal with this anymore. But if I'm going to be perfectly honest.....I'm thinking he has to truly experience rock bottom and lose everything before he gets serious about this. It would be nice if this was what makes him turn his life around but if it doesn't, well, that's out of my control.
He left for a couple of hours to cool down (or do whatever). We talked later that night. Now I'm more confused than ever. How do you balance compassion for the addict with compassion for yourself? Masturbation is a momentary high for him followed by shame, regret and depression. I can't imagine the life he's leading. But at the same time, it is affecting me. When do I put me first? I don't know if it's even possible since I don't think I've ever done it. Not to mention the irrational guilt that I would feel by doing that!
Yes, we all talk about doing for ourselves. But how long does it really last? We all know we are entitled to some self-care, but knowing and actually doing are two separate things. It's how we are wired or should I say mis-wired. All women should be in therapy just for that! It should be a required class right along side of Algebra and Chemistry!
Another issue is the kids. They are older (19, 17, 14) but they are still children in my eyes. How can I consciously do anything to hurt them? Isn't that a violation of motherhood? Honestly, they don't have a clue as to what's going on. They know we are in counseling but we've told them it's because we're working on making things better for our family.
Our house is the "hang out" for all their friends. Ironically, a majority of their friends come from divorced homes and I think they all gravitate towards here because we have the structure and resemblance of "normalcy". This is the time of their lives I want them to enjoy themselves, have fun and not worry about a thing. They are so close to "adulthood" and everything that entails. I want them to have this time to be "self centered" and not have to deal with very adult issues.
I just don't know what to do. I would appreciate any thoughts and opinions. It really is helpful to get another perspective.
Blessings to all.
allalone
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2010 4:30:43 GMT -7
Hi Allalone,
This is so individual that it is difficult to comment. Only you are in a position to evaluate whether your husband is progressing, and if he seems sincere about pursuing recovery. Cold turkey without any slips is rare, but maintaining firm boundaries, knowing what your absolute deal-breakers are, is important.
Praying for you... TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2010 8:19:33 GMT -7
Dear Allalone,
I empathize with your struggle. The only thing that kept me from throwing him and all of his stuff into the yard was the concern I had for the kids. That said...........
It sounds as if he will have to hit rock bottom before he gets serious about recovery.
Some things to think about...........Questions meant to prompt some crtical thought.........
1. How much time does he spend in the house?
2. What will be the impact of him leaving?
3. Will the house still be the "hang" house for your kids and their friends?
4. How much interaction does he really have with the kids now?
5. What are the kids learning through that interaction or lack thereof?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2010 2:48:14 GMT -7
Wow.......... Honeybee................... this reply is so full of truth.... and I love this song.............
[user=69422]honeybee93[/user] wrote:
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2010 2:54:51 GMT -7
My 2 teens that are still at home are 14 and 17 also.......... I know "exactly" what you speak of........ and I mean exactly!! I understand what you are going through........ we have a lot of parallels....... I have no words of wisdom to offer............ just a prayer that God may lead you through this journey......... and be with us all.
allalone wrote:
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2010 9:17:53 GMT -7
Yesterday was filled with therapy sessions. First individual therapy for myself and later that evening, jointly with my husband. I was thankful for the few hours in between as it gave me some time to think.
My husband and I haven't had a joint session in a while. It was very sad to once again see how much pain he was in. The issue of lying was addressed and he was asked "what do you think would have happened had you told her the truth?" He couldn't answer.
Here is the strange part....I was almost a tiny bit jealous of our therapist. Even though he was still somewhat withdrawn, it was evident that he was more open with her than with me. I guess the fact that he's talking with anyone is wonderful. And I understand how she would be "safe". Still, I couldn't help but wish he would open up to me. But then again, I've been wishing that for the last 22 years!
We both have "homework" for our next individual sessions. We've also started some rituals that hopefully will help to establish a meaningful connection. We are to tell each other one thing about ourselves that the other is not aware of. (This whole therapy process has me realizing I have my own walls, too!) We are to pray together aloud every morning (hopefully this will start the day knowing what's in each others hearts). At the end of the day, we are each to talk about one good thing and one bad thing that happened during the day. (We're both hoping this will help us get off the topic of sex addiction and recovery since it seems as if that's all we talk about!)
I guess the goal through all this is that we will start to trust each other and view the other as "safe". That in turn will help stop the lying. I was once again reminded that this is going to take time. And even though I want it "now", I really do know that 40 years of habit isn't going to end just like that.
We established some "deal breakers" in our relationship. And also a time frame for which I should see some change. I was asked if my marriage and kids were worth holding on for another six months and I answered "yes". So I'll give it a shot.
Now, knowing me, I'm sure I'll be back on the forum ranting about what he did and why he needs to leave. Some one please remind me about my lack of patience!
I talked to my therapist about the maturity level and if he would ever be an "adult". She pointed out to me that he was able to hold a job and support his family (like an adult) and he was able to interact with adults at an adult level. Also, he interacts with his kids as a parent/adult. His therapy work will be in the emotional area...not a small task...but hopeful.
We'll see...
allalone
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2010 17:34:18 GMT -7
Hi Allalone,
I'm glad to hear such optomistic news!
Continuing to pray... TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2010 1:37:32 GMT -7
Dear Allalone, The above statement has been nagging at me for a couple of days. I think your therapist lacks empathy and perspicacity. There is something distinctly juvenile about the sex-addict. It's very difficult for me to describe it with particularity. The sex addict functions as an adult does in many areas, but I think it's a facade. A job is something they cling to like a life-line. As to interaction with the children, my husband never did assume his rightful place as the head of the home, as the spiritual head of the home and he only interacted with the children at my insistence. He wasn't a father to them.....he was nothing more than a glorified baby-sitter....never taking any interest in their education or development. He was a work-a-holic and used that as his excuse to avoid interaction. Your therapist may be confusing "holding down a job" and "interacting with adults like an adult" and avoidance behavior. My husband used any excuse possible to avoid spending time with me and the kids.........any excuse. He never enjoyed spending time with us. If we wanted to spend time with him, we had to step into his world......he would never make the effort to step into our world. In that sense, my husband was and is extremely childish. Anecdotally, we've gone to the same hairdresser for 20 years. She is a down to earth, salt of the earth woman. She does not know what is going on with him, but she has said in the past that my husband "seems awfully young." She can't put her finger on it, but she senses it. Please do not discount what your gut is telling you about your husband. Please listen to that little voice in your head. Trust YOUR gut hunch more than the largely unsubstantiated hunch of your therapist. Consider this: There is a distinct possibility that your therapist is clueless.....don't discount that possibility.FROM: www.sexaddict.com/FAQ.html".... 7. WHAT IS IT LIKE TO LIVE WITH A SEX ADDICT FROM A PARTNER'S OR WIFE'S PERSPECTIVE?The partners/wives of sex addicts report many similar feelings about living with the sex addict. The feeling of aloneness is a common experience with partners of sex addicts, the sense that he can't open up and tell you about his "real" self. The confusion of even after you do certain behaviors that this still is not enough and the hopelessness that there isn't enough. Anger for many different unmet needs as a person and as a woman are often common...." A child cannot fathom let alone meet the needs of another adult or a woman......... My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2010 12:46:03 GMT -7
Dear Truthseeker,
Optomistic or naive? ?
Allalone
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2010 5:17:17 GMT -7
For those of you who with older kids, and in process of therapy, you sound like people on mile 21 in a marathon!
Your husbands are disappointing, but I know God is working gold in your hearts. What fruits of the Spirit is He growing in you through this?
Whatever evil things people do, God can turn them for good. Whatever our spouses do, God can still bring victory in our own lives. That is the goodness of God, right?
It is a victory that you are in therapy. It is ugly, but you are on the path. Remember back when you were in the dark?
Here is a book for those who are trying to stay married: Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage by Chuck Misja. It talks a lot about being married to an immature spouse. It does not address addiction though.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2010 6:18:56 GMT -7
Hi. I used to be addicted to porn, until I read and understood this book and applied its solutions to my life.
OPEN TO BLISS by Omid Mankoo
his blog sagehope.wordpress.com
I understood about mind manipulations within porn, and why they are so powerful, and how to disempower them. I learned how my mind works, and how to disengage my mind from their influences. I highly recomend this book, since its the best straight forward knowledge I found about the actual solution to it that explains the dynamics of the problem and the solution so specifically.
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