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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2008 7:54:35 GMT -7
First off...I want to apologize if I this is not the proper format for a post because this is the first time I have posted on a blog about my issue. I have been struggling with this problem for a few years now and I don't know where to turn.
I was talking to a friend at my church about how she deals with her "vices" and she said that she found a blog of other women that started a kinda "support group" and it was very helpful. So, I googled sex addiction and this site seemed to fit.
First off I am a very devote Christian and have a loving family. I have a 3 year old son and husband who I adore! But over the last couple years I have been falling down the slippery slope of sexual desire. My husband pleases me in the bedroom, but I have always liked the attention I get from other men. I don't want to come across as a person with a big head, but I am a fairly attractive woman and have always got a lot of attention from other men...even after I have been married.
A few years ago, I started to cross the line and began to go out and meet other men. I would dress as if I was not married and flirt and let guys "pick me up." It was very exciting. And I am assuming like any other addiction, as you fall into the trap, it takes more and more to get you to the same level of excitement. I started with just innocent kissing, but then progressed to having full intercourse with these men. I am very remorseful and ask for God's forgiveness after the fact, but it is almost like I can not control my urges. My husband has NO idea and I love him more than anything. I really do not know what is wrong with me. Not only am I struggling with the past, but I am scarred because I am now finding myself wanting to do more and more with these men (which are always different...I rarly see the same man twice because I am sooo embarrassed).
I have no where to go and really don't know what to do. I say over and over that this is my LAST time, but after a few days, I find myself wanting to be with another man for the "thrill" and even with multiple men at once.
If anyone else has struggled with this...please help and let me know if there was something that you did to curb your desires. I DO NOT want to destroy my marriage or my family.
Please Help,
JNM
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2008 8:17:01 GMT -7
hi nichole,
welcome to this group. i certainly know just how you feel. i too struggle with the desire to attract other men and i often think about how much fun it would be to go as far as you have with them, but thank god that i have not ventured quite as far yet. i pray that i will always be able to keep those feelings at bay and never cross that line, but like the progression that i have experienced already, i just don't know what i am capable of. i have given in to things that i honestly never thought i would do. then i look back in amazement that i would even go that far. it makes no sense with who i am as a person. i really love my husband and i love god, but yet i am prone to do things that would make a sailor blush. anyway, you are not alone. this is a hard battle to face, but i do believe that it is a battle that can be won. don't give up.
sam
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2008 14:41:14 GMT -7
Nicole1100,
You are neck deep in sin and facing the devil by yourself. You have to bring this out and tell someone what you have been doing. Your husband deserves to know what's going on but that will come in time. It's time to rally the troops, pray, get into a group, counseling and perhaps a female mentor.
Bring the darkness to light!
Praying for you,
MinusPride
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2008 15:07:14 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2008 1:08:14 GMT -7
Thank you for the kind words. This is the FIRST time I have ever reached out for help and was not sure as to what the responce would be.
I am praying that God will help me overcome.
JNM
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2008 1:34:02 GMT -7
Nichole
I am a guy and and no expert in sex addiction of men or women. If i may offer a suggestion
based on hearing other stories of women who are simular. I am not sure why but some
women struggle with the desire of being lusted after, to be the seducer, to fill a void by being the object of a mans desire or
get some sort of self worth by feeling sexually appealling to men.
As addicts we all have reasons that motivate us to do the things we do. Sure crossing the line
to the forbidden is exciting... with it's consequences though (which are not very exciting) but what
are the underlying issues of why we begin to seek out the things that we do?
Perhaps a counseller that has some experience in the are of female sex addiction would help?
I am not a recovered addict yet but i firmly believe that unless the basic underlying issues are dealt with
true freedom may never come.
Just my opinion.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2008 3:15:01 GMT -7
Hi, Nichole,
Welcome to BG! Thanks for sharing, that is a courageous first step to start bringing your secrets into the light. God loves you unconditionally, (I have to constantly be reminded of this) and I know He is glad that you are taking steps. So glad you are joining us here. I would encourage you if you haven't already, to read around on this site. I pray this will be a safe and encouraging place for you.
I too have struggled in the area of sexual addiction. Among other things, I came close to having an affair, but I started seeking help before it actually happened. I've continued to struggle with a lot of temptation, and often have wondered if it is possible to "stop an affair in the middle".
You're asking about "curbing the desire" and what other people may have done to help with that. I don't think I really have a good asnwer for you, as in I don't have a "quick fix" answer. Many of us have found that we have to start off by admitting that we are out of control, that we can't "curb the desire", that we desperately need help, and to become willing to do whatever it takes. This usually involves some major changes in your life. It's a journey with God that is good but often hard and painful.
I wanted to ask a couple of questions, just to understand a little better where you are coming from. How are things going in your relationship with God? Are you able to pray and talk to God? Or feeling angry at Him about anything?
Love, Journey
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2008 3:35:01 GMT -7
nichole1100:
To deal effectively with such an addiction one has to go deeper than just trying to "curb your desires." These compulsions present themselves in the sexual aspect of the personality but are probably rooted in profound, not-necessarily-sexual traumas, needs or conflicts. Seeking God's forgiveness and making resolutions not to repeat are foundational but there's a good deal more to it. Our behavior relates us to the religious-spiritual dimension of reality but there are also psychological and social dimensions to cope with. Sooner or later you will have to develop a support network of real people. If you aren't ready for that yet, you can read about the condition. Classic titles are Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (1992) and Don't Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction (1991). You will find that many others have been where you are and many have found a way out.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2008 7:54:21 GMT -7
Hi Nichole, As has already been said, it is the roots of the problem that must be uprooted in order to make progress. I don't know your individual circumstances, but many people find themselves struggling with SA after experiencing sexual abuse, an absent/abusive father, or other injury to self-esteem. Another post where Tim gave some good links is www.blazinggrace.org/forums/view_topic.php?id=1255&forum_id=7&highlight=slaa.org Also, check through the resources forum. I have posted a couple of lists of books about healing from the past, and dealing with anger at God. I'm sure you have already given consideration to the health dangers of your behavior, for yourself, your husband, and any future child-bearing you may consider. I hope that you are being forthright with your OBGYN, as that aspect of your health should be monitored closely. As I tell the men here, don't assume that your spouse doesn't know that something is amiss, even if not exactly what it is. Also, it is unlikely that you will be able to get through a thorough healing/recovery without your husband's support. Before that point, however... I do not know on what pretext you have time where neither your child nor husband account for your time. Can you think of some way to disable unaccouted-for time? Even if you present it as merely a time management issue, perhaps your friend at church, or someone else, would check to see if you are home at troublesome times, or call your cell at certain times to disrupt any plans, and calling you on it if you do not answer. Even if at first you explain to your husband that you feel the need to seek some counselling about issues from the past, working forward toward the present, it could start the counselling process. Praying for you... TruthSeeker |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2008 4:58:04 GMT -7
Thank you for all the support. I never thought I would do the things I have done or end up in such a lonly and desperate place. But hearing that there are others out there that love me and knowing that God is in control does help with my day to day struggles.
Does anyone know of prescribed medication or any other resources for dealing with this? I am curious if anyone has found recovery from any other methods. I want to stop destroying my life as soon as possible and I am not sure I can do it alone...
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2008 5:50:22 GMT -7
Hi Nichole,
There is no medication for SA behavior. It is behavior in which we make conscious, deliberate choices to participate or not.
If, however, depression or some other biochemocal imbalance is a factor, a psychiatrist would have to make that determination.
Individual counselling and group support are two of the most helpful tools, as I understand it. You might look to see if there is a Celebrate Recovery Groupin your area. If not, the online meetings Tim gives links to may be a helpful start. Please do not try to do this alone. Prayer and interspection, perhaps in combination with a self-help book on the subject might also give you a start.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2009 2:24:11 GMT -7
If you did all this without him knowing, then you can make changes, go to counseling and allow God to change you without him knowing as well. If you must tell him... wait a while. Go to counseling first. Got a handle on the situation and make an educated decision to tell or not to tell. But if you think that telling him will be enough to make you want to quit.. it will not and all you are doing is hurting him and making him doubt you every time you leave the house. He might even start acting out to get even. Go to this sight and do a little reading as to what the other spouses are going through...
survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp
Good luck... just my .02 worth
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2009 23:58:46 GMT -7
Hi nichole, you need treatment. And the way you have explained your situation it appears that you certainly require professional help. Enroll yourself in a good sex addiction treatment program as soon as possible. You can also call this toll-free number- 1-800-993-3869 for live help. Hope it helps. Good Luck! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2009 16:34:36 GMT -7
I am currently seeking help and it is a very long and dark road. Thank you for all your help and I hope to stay on my path with the Lord.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2010 4:18:44 GMT -7
I know these are old posts but it is my hope that the knowledge I have been blessed with may help others.
These are common responses we hear from people struggling with sex addiction issues. Part of you wants to stop (prefrontal cortex & light of Christ) and part of you wants to keep acting out (limbic system or the natural man). This struggle will continue to occur until you realize you cannot do it on your own.
Watch the presentation of the two-part brain: innergold.com/pptVideo.cfm
This presentation will help explain why you feel the way you do and how the brain is functioning. With this understanding and prayer, hopefully you can experience some healing. |
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