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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2008 5:45:37 GMT -7
well, it's been 6 weeks and three days... no (full blown) sex chatting, phone sex, and pics. i really wanted to, and did do more than i intended... but i did not completely give in. not completely... disappointed in myself for getting as close as i did, but i have to keep moving forward.
i am growing a little concerned with my masturbation habit. i had decided to give myself a break about m'ing. i would not concentrate on stopping that at this time. not until i was no longer tempted to act out with men. at that time, i would work on stopping masturbation. well, at first, it was no big deal. i was not driven to m constantly and i felt like it was no driving force in me. i still do it about 2 times a day, but now, it is very hard to climax. i get frustrated and it is so hard to achieve an orgasm. i still feel compelled to m. i am not sure if it is so hard to climax because i am not giving into fantasy and have nothing to fuel my lustfulness. i don't know, but it is concerning me.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2008 9:27:50 GMT -7
Hello, Sam.
I'm still praying for you, especially that you will walk straight forward in God's will long enough to taste the joy of it and begin to desire what is genuinely desirable.
Relative slowness in reaching orgasm may be related to a drop in your imaginative life, but there could be other causes too, such as pressure at work or unsatisfactory relationships. What ever you do, don't persuade yourself that you need those chats etc. to maintain a healthy sexuality. The best sex is with your hub, and anything else erodes that.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2008 2:46:33 GMT -7
you are so right paulos. if only i could get that through my head.
it is official, i am totally insane. that has to be the only answer here. last night, the h and i both wanted sex. i put on my sexiest lingerie and we were enjoying each other very much. then i got it in my head that i wanted to watch porn. i have not really had the desire to do that in quite a while. so why now? i can honestly say that if i had the chance to be with another woman last night, i would have done it. how can i have desires like that when christ lives in me?
when i tried to sleep last night, all i could think about was how horrible i was for even having the desire to do that. the desire to watch porn and the desire for other women. it makes no sense. there is no doubt in my mind that god is real and that he loves me enough to have died for me. how can he love me with that kind of love when i am evil and vile to my very core? how can i say that christ is lord and king if i can blatantly turn my back on him and watch stuff that is immoral? how could i dare even think about what i would do with another woman when just yesterday morning during church i was feeling the desire to please god in every way. as i sat listening to the pastor, i thought about how i wanted to serve him and how i wanted to share the things that he has done for me with the world. i have such a passion for him.... how can i go in the complete opposite direction from that? all i want to do is cry. why did god let me live? he should have just taken me home when i was in the hospital in 2007. if he had, i would have never drifted so far away from him. i can honestly say that i long the sweet relief that leaving this world will bring.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2008 3:37:33 GMT -7
I have felt exactly the same way, many many times.
The best trail I've found that leads out of that pit starts with Step 1 of the 12 steps--"We admitted we were powerless over our problems, that our lives had become unmanageable." Or, as it has been rephrased in Celebrate Recovery--"Admit I am not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable."
But it's not a quick fix--you have to commit to the journey, however long it takes. And you have to trust a few safe people to hold your hand when the going gets rough.
Much love! Journey
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2008 4:54:39 GMT -7
Hi Sam,
God has not changed His plan for you. He is just waiting for you to get in step with it.
I am astounded and disappointed that your H enabled this.
Praying for you... TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2008 5:29:13 GMT -7
thanks journey, i do have a few trusted friends that hold my hand. i really don't know what i would do without them. and yes, my life is totally unmanagable.
truthseeker, to be honest, my h had issues with porn use before he ever met me. when we first started dating, i found out about it and told him that i could not deal with him using porn. that if he wanted to keep me, then he had to get rid of that (it's amazing how something that used to detest me, now beacons to me). which he did, but i know that it is still a temptation for him. he manages to stay away from it, that is unless i push him in that direction. there have been times in the past that he would not let me watch it when i asked, but last night was a weak time for him as well apparently.
i desire to be in step with god's plan, but i just don't know how to defeat the things in my life that hinder me. i try to submit my will to god and ask him to clean my heart, but it never seems to come. am i not praying enough? am i not spending time in his word enough? how do i do it? where do i go from here? why won't he just answer me? i need him to tell me what i have to do. i even prayed that he would make me feel the same about my desires as he does. for the evil to be a stinch in my nostrils, but it still appeals to me. i am afraid that it always will.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2008 6:07:33 GMT -7
Hi Sam,
I wish that I had specific answers to all of your probing questions, but all I know is this. 1 Cor. 10:13 promises that with every temptation God provides a way of escape. That, of course, does not mean that choosing it will be easy, but it is there.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2008 6:18:34 GMT -7
thank you. i know i am asking questions that no one has the answers to. it is just an unfortunate situation that i am in. i have deep wounds that need to be healed. i have trust issues with god. i have so many desires that are ungodly. i truly wish that i could simply make my mind up to not do things and that they would forevermore not apeal to me, but that is not going to happen. i have to let god have his way with me and with the trust issues i have for him, it is a hard thing to do. i am trying tho. thanks again, i appreciate your trying to support and encourage me.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2008 8:19:21 GMT -7
Hey, Sam, I know you're hurting today. Wish I could give you a big hug.
I don't have the answers to your questions either, but I'm pretty sure that more prayer and Bible reading are not the solution, altho they are both very good and helpful and necessary. But if you do them thinking that they will help you "manage your addiction", then you're still trying to control, maybe?
Love and prayers, Journey
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2008 8:44:57 GMT -7
ouch! yes, journey, you are right (as usual). i guess i do those things in an attempt to gain freedom. i am trying to fix me. even tho i know i am going about it all the wrong way, i can't seem to manage stopping the controlling behavior that is so deeply ingrained in my personality. thanks for being here for me. you'll never know how much it means.
s
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2008 14:28:03 GMT -7
Hey Samantha
Thank you for taking the time to share your struggles. I just wanted to say i completely and totally understand how you feel. Kinda odd don't you think being the fact that we are different gender, live in different countries with totally different upbringing and life experiences?
Experiencing the joy of the Holy Spirit, rejoicing in church by song, fellowship with others but and agreeing with real bible teaching and sermon and then going home to partake in masturbation, porn and perverted sexual fantasy is a bizarre lifestyle.
I would be ashamed to admit all the things going through my head while rooting through porn and swingers crap on the net. Fantasy can be very powerfull and that attraction of the forbidden and variety are what keeps the fantasy going. If i had lived out even half of my fantasies i would probably have more than one sexual disease with who knows how many other dire consequences.
I have wished that i would not have been born or would not have to live this life which is an insult to God. After all knowing the truth and then going through with these actions is insane. It is very depressing when we realize that we love perverse things isn't it?
However don't despair my friend! Things are not as bad as they could be. You may not realize it but you have made alot of progress. If you had no restraint whatsoever and lived a life of sexual abandon for lets say a year and then decided to try and go straight with God you would realize how much lower you could go. The pit would be that much deeper and the light seem so much farther away.
Remember we are to crucify our passions. In case you don't know people that were crucified did not die quick or painlessly. Often it took days which would seem like a lifetime i would imagine. Paul did not choose this word carelessly. It accurately depicts the slow and painfull process of "killing the old man" or the inherent sinfull desires we all have. For some of us that have for whatever reason fed or supported our sinfull desires they may have grown and take longer to kill but die they will.
And don't forgot to rejoice! Thank God for a day that was porn free. And when you fall into porn masturbation or fantasy then later thank God for the guilt that you have that is your conviction of sin. And on days that you have slipped thank God for other things in your daily life, whatever it may be. Just because we sin does not mean God does not deserve our praise for our daily care.
Even if you slip twice a day for the next year God will not love you any less, the consequences of your sin may be worse but Jesus has not given up on you.
Fighting!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2008 1:27:25 GMT -7
love&, thank you so very much for your encouraging response. yes, i will keep fighting even tho i find that many times i want to just give up and walk away from this battle. god has blessed me with a marvelous husband and i will not do anything to lose him. even tho the lure of the forbidden and the appeal for a new partner is strong, it just is not worth it in the end. i really needed to hear what you said about god not loving me less. it is one of those things that i know, but need to be reminded of it sometimes. god bless you!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2008 6:32:57 GMT -7
i am having a pretty bad day. several emotional upsets in my life. all i want to do right now is "have a little fun", but i know that it would only make me feel worse. so, i have managed to resist it today. i just don't know.. usually i am a very happy go lucky girl, but today is rough. could def use some prayers. thanks.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2008 8:33:59 GMT -7
acting out? yes. dangerous? yes. do i feel guilty? a little, but not as much as i know i should. how could i let myself get into this situation and how do i get out? i am beginning to wonder if i can ever break free.
Psalm 22:1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2008 1:29:44 GMT -7
Hi Sam,
Your absence was finally beginning to sink in on me, and I was about to send a PM. Please review the things that you have been doing that have brought you closer to God and your husband and further from this particular struggle with sin. Is your husband fighting this battle with you? Do you have filtering software on your PC? Are you involved in group support or individual counsel?
As I'm sure you know, the passage you quoted was a prophetic one about Jesus on the cross, where due to His bearing of our sin the Father had to turn His face away. For us He always provides a way out, but we have to choose to take it.
Remember to listen to your favorite music and read the Word.
Praying for you my sister... TruthSeeker
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