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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2005 10:09:45 GMT -7
So, I am now 12 days clean. This is a good thing. Today was really hard for me but instead of going to the wrong sites, I came to Blazing Grace and listened to 4 radio broadcasts. It was really good for me. I also took another step in the right direction. I had my husband change my passwords on my e-mail and instant messenger accounts. This was something that I was still holding on to and it was another one of my secrets. He was great about it. He was very supportive and not condemning. That is exactly what I needed. I do have a question for you all. I am reading a Christian book titled She has a Secret. This is to help with my recovery, but I am finding that my mind is wandering while reading some of the stories in it. They actually intrigue me. I know that this is totally wrong, but I am not sure what to do. Do I keep reading the book and just try to block out any bad thoughts? Do I switch books? I am just not sure. Rachel
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Post by mike on Oct 21, 2005 0:04:20 GMT -7
>I am reading a Christian book titled She has a Secret. This is to help with my recovery, but I am finding that my mind is wandering while reading some of the stories in it. They actually intrigue me. I know that this is totally wrong, but I am not sure what to do. Do I keep reading the book and just try to block out any bad thoughts?
In general, if the content is taking your mind to places it shouldn't, I would get rid of it. The verse that would apply here is "if something causes you to stumble, cut it off" in Matthew 5.
And, you might ask the Lord His opinion on the book and let Him speak to you about it...
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2005 2:15:03 GMT -7
Thanks Mike, I always appreciate your advice. Maybe I will be able to read the book later in my recovery. I am not sure if it is because I am not mature enough to read it or what. Well for now I will get started on another book. Thanks Again, Rachel
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2005 2:51:37 GMT -7
Rachel,
Mike's right, cut it off. That is what I have found with most recovery books. You know, it was not until I put those books down that I felt the level of freedom I do today. If you have read one, you've read them all. I would recommend you read something off the topic. I'd recommend meditating on the Bible and use study workbooks to help. I am going through the "Life Change" series. They are about $8 each and they are on a specific book of the Bible. They really help with not going to fast through scripture and missing the point. That is the key, to meditate and have it soak in.
A person who wants to lose weight will find it difficult if they just continue to read diet books. Why? Because it keeps their mind on food, therefore keeping them hungry. To lose the weight and keep it off requires a lifestyle change. It requires a person to get active. So if someone reads a book on the excitement of hiking, or something positive, they won't be thinking food, right? After all, food is not the problem anyways. Like the person who is an emotional eater. A diet does not fix the issues of their emotion. So why wouldn't this work with what we are doing? Like you said and have seen, read a book on sexual issues and where does that put your mind? Right where your trying to get free from.
If your really wanting to read another book, then I'd recommend "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. This book will give you guidance on how to impliment boundaries in all areas of you life without taking you to the place your trying to free yourself from. Your sexual issues are not the root of your problem, remember that. They are a symptom of something else. Your not going to get free from it unless you heal the source of the problem. Find that source. Get the word planted in your mind and heart too. Nothing can take the place of the Bible when it comes to books. I have come to a point I am not interested in reading any more books, because when you break them down, they say the same thing that God tells us in His Word. To give you an idea of what I mean by meditating, It taking me 11 weeks to go through James. By using the study guide, I focus on 1 section a week. I am almost done, and can tell you I remember what I have studied almost word for word. So when I find myself in any situation, I recall it and since I have filled that void in my heart with Christ, I have a much larger success rate on how I react to temptation. Example, when someone makes me angry, the Holy Spirit inside me prompts me to hold my tongue. My mind says "Be Quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger." And my heart loves Christ, so I am more likely to obey. You see, I can have Christ in my heart, but without committing His Word to memory is like having a gun with no bullets. And it goes the other way. We can have all the verses memorized, but not have Christ "IN" our heart. That would be like having a hand full of bullets with no gun. Hope this helps. God bless
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2005 8:26:59 GMT -7
I have never done an accountability forum but feel that now is the time that I join. I have struggled with looking at porn for over 20 years. I have gotten better now that I gave my heart to Christ but I still sometimes fall. Please pray for me as I hate my lust now more than ever.
In Christ's service,
Mike
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2005 10:55:39 GMT -7
So I am now at 16 days sober. This past weekend I came totally clean with all of my addictions and hidden secrets with my husband. I feel a very heavy weight lifted off of my shoulders. I have told my accountability partner, but I was not ready to tell my hubby until now. I was quite surprised that he was not mad or upset. For some reason I wanted him to be mad at me. Maybe I wanted him to know how serious this has gotten, so he feels like he has to fight for me (I am just thinking out loud). I did tell him after quite a while that I was very surprised that he did not show any emotion over this. I asked him what the emotion is that he is feeling and he said, "Disappointment." He said he feels like his crap is so much worse than mine that he feels like he can not judge me at all. I think I still want him to be a little upset though. Thank you so much once again for this site. It has been so good for my recovery process. Rachel
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Post by TimM on Oct 25, 2005 4:01:50 GMT -7
Rachel,
You may get the anger you want. In my experience, my wife was immensely supportive for a few days after an initial disclosure this past June. Since then, we have been on sort of a roller coaster. One piece at a time, she processes what my addiction has meant to our lives, and she responds to that with shock and anger before being able to get back to equanimity. The anger may take a few days to develop, and also a few days to pass. Be ready for it, and be ready for it to come more than once. It will hurt if it does come - for me, the transition from a loving and supportive spouse to one who is hurting and furious about things I can't change now is really hard. But our spouses have a right to that anger, and we have to hear them. We've had a long time to develop and understand our addictions, and they haven't. Stuff that for us is old and familiar is new and raw to them, and that stuff will come out on a schedule that makes sense for their emotional understanding, and not for ours. Be ready to hear some things that really hurt and leave you feeling hopeless, and to know that they will pass.
Be ready, too, to deal with the fact that the anger and shame and hopelessness often makes us want to act out, as crazy and incomprehensible as that is. To my addict, it makes perfect sense to say, "My wife is really grieving over things I have done in the past, and I am hurting deeply over my shame, and so I'll seek refuge in acting out, which makes me feel better." It makes no sense, but it's at moments like that that I really face temptation. We need to know we react that way in order to have a hope of stepping back and releasing that desire to God's care instead of meeting it ourselves and being overwhelmed by it.
At least, that's how it's been for me; your mileage may vary.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2005 8:24:42 GMT -7
Tim, Thanks for the heads up. I put myself in this position and want my spouse to act in whatever way I desire. He definitely has a right to feel whatever he wants. I need to let him process however he needs to. I also have found that I want to act out when things are getting rough. It is so crazy and I agree it does not make sense.:shock: I am aware of this now so I can deal with it much more effectively. Rachel
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2005 7:58:38 GMT -7
I am 27 days sober. Yahoo! I come to this web-site almost everyday to encourage me in this fight. My relationship with my husband is going great. We are both reading Christian books to educate us on our sexual addictions and building our relationship with Christ. We have both committed to read at least once a day. Things are going great.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2005 12:29:32 GMT -7
I am some what new to this forum, and have never used the accountability forums yet. I do not have a local partner yet, but I think these forums may be useful in the time being while I am searching. Let me tell you a little about my war with lust and masturbation.
I first masturbated in the fifth grade(eleven or twelve years old). I always remember being aroused by things through out my child hood. I "discovered" masturbation on my own one day when I was aroused by something. I have never masturbated to porn, and I thank God for that. I usually mastubate to fantasies of girls I see at school or in the media. Often times my fantasies are sadistic. I hate all of my fantasies, but these especially. When I am aroused it is like I am another person.
The longest I have gone without masturbation was 2 weeks during lint about 2 or 3 years ago. Recently, I was able to go 7 days on one ocasion. Usually I can go 4 or 5 days without it. Some times I get to a low point were I am thankful to go one day with out it.
Currently i am in one of those low points. I gave in this morning, but actually felt guilt for doing so. Pray that I would be able to consistently make progress in my fight, and be able to find some one to be accountable to. In the mean time, I am going to try to use these forums as much as possible. I am glad the Lord has led me to fight this thing now(I am seventeen), rather than later when I am older and have a family. Pray that God would give me strength in fighting this, and that I would be able to find some one to be accountable with. I have all sorts of fears and doubts that go through my head every time I consider opening up to some one.
Thanks,
B
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2005 8:23:56 GMT -7
Lo all...It's been a while since I've posted and I'm sure you can guess why. Just too darn ashamed to come in here and admit my fall back. I even stopped talking with my accountability partners about it so I am at a very fragile point right now. Needless to say I am on my way to talk to them about this but first I wanted to get back in here and apologize to you all and ask for prayers for renewed strength and focus. I will let you all know how my accountability session goes tonight.
Good to be back!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2005 22:00:10 GMT -7
Deacon,
They say that confession is good for the soul. Scripture even points out that we should confess our sins.
Isn't it interesting how this addiction thing does not like to be confessed - or openly talked about. Why do we try to medicate the pain in isolation or secrecy by doing things the Lord is displeased with?
I appreciate your honesty. It is a reminder to the rest of us that we too could very well write such notes in this forum if we don't stay clean!
I confess that yesterday I leaned a bit in the direction of lust. I did not continue or act on anything - just very well aware that my trigger had been tripped. As on the bottom of you e mail note, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". Not that of myself lest I boast, but it is through His grace alone.
It is also good to hear that you have an accountability group. I have no such thing. Nor is my wife one to bear that burden. Keep me in prayer that I may stay above reproach this day. One day at a time (sometimes one moment).
RTK
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2005 13:33:35 GMT -7
Hello. I haven't posted in the Accountability section yet but I believe I will start.
I haven't looked at porn or masturbated since I first posted on these forums, which was several days ago. But I do admit that today I was tempted and lustful thoughts did enter my head; but when they did I just thought about you guys and how you struggle along with me, and that gave me strength to throw out those thoughts. But continue to keep me in your prayers as I continue to keep you guys in my prayers.
Good day.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2005 14:03:24 GMT -7
Im not sure when the last time was for me...it was sometime last week. But as for today.....I have been strong in christ. God is taking me on a journey....and I will soon be helping others. God is helping to rebuild a friendship with the one that I hurt.
I am praying for you all. Please keep me in your prayers, but most of all....PLEASE pray for my beloved ex-girfriend whose heart I have shattered. Jesus heals all.
- David
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2005 0:43:35 GMT -7
Prayed for your friend......that she'll know the embrace and comfort of the One who knows and loves her best and be deeply healed as only He can do. Does she have any older, godly women to come alongside of her and care for her? Prayed for wisdom, etc.....for you with her as well. Probably the best thing you can do for her is what you're doing.....keep pursuing the heart of God, seek out brothers in Christ to walk with and hold you accountable in all things, read the Word, pray, maybe read some of the books suggested by Mike and Steve on this site, if you haven't yet, etc..... You're faith and care do shine through and are an inspiration in spite of your current circumstances, so keep it up...and keep trusting God. Proverbs 3:5-6
captivated
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