Addictionbegone's Accountability Corner

This is great!  I'm almost to 3 months without acting out!   I still use Internet porn but this is far from the other sins of prostitution.  I did think about it today and looked around the Internet thinking but I don't feel the urge "as much" to act out - I had better stop thinking about it before I go off the edge because I am still addicted - I'm not in a fantasy world...but I will say this...over time it does get easier - one time I went for 8 months...I just need to stay away from places where I will see prostitutes and spend any free time with family only...

I'm a bit stressed today - so I find myself cruising the Internet for prostitution info. - still I'm going for my 4th month clean...I'm going to make it.

I read this a few days ago and could not think of anyone or activity - again drawing a blank today - but I know you are absolutely right...this is the key...

Here's an update on my addiction - I went for 16 months without visiting a prostitute until April 2008.  I then went to a strip club and masturbated in a private room in front of a stripper who allowed this sort of thing.  Since then I have been clean again for 14 months with one major slip up in between where I went cruising for massage parlors in a city I did not know well and only could find legitimate places.  So if I had found one I would have gone in and acted out.  My wife knew I was going out that day and allowed me to do this - she is religious and knows about my problem - I tell her when I act out - really need to find a sponsor - need to attend the live chats soon.  I never carry cash - during the last 5 years of marriage and this solves most problems - what is solving most of my problems now is my 2 small kids who need constant attention by my wife and myself - I work from home and this helps too - soon I will be traveling a lot and prostitutes will be easy to come by again as they were before so I am not kidding myself...I wish one of these major drug companies would spend a billion developing a sex addict pill - an addict in general pill for the people who have drug problems, etc. 

Ok, I will find support ahead of time - I did say this before - kind of like exercise - my wife mocks me on this because I talk...I will have a support system in place - I need to get online on a regular schedule and I also need to have someone I can call on the phone - I will look into this...I will have a GPS tracker that costs $9.95/month that shows where I am on computer at all times for my wife to verify.  Although I really should not involve her...but no one else knows about my problem...need to figure this out.  Thanks for holding my feet to the fire - I will get more organized.  My therapist in my old city recommended I stay away from the drugs unless I get even more out of control - forget to mention this - because they are anti depress drugs which will affect my personality in negative ways...I need to research this some more - I just wish there was something with less side affects...magic pill if you will...

Hard for me to see this but in an abstract way I see what you mean.  I hope I can benefit like you have...I'm sure my character could use some improving :-)

Thanks for the report! The board is so quiet these days that hearing from anyone is lovely.

Do you mind a comment? It's great that you've managed to find a way to stay largely sober, but it doesn't sound like it's a lot of fun, either for you or for your wife, and it doesn't sound like it's really a stable thing. It feels like you've changed external conditions, but have left the inner man unchanged. Sort of like getting sober from alcohol by moving to Saudi Arabia, which will work until you go home, or find another drug, or learn where the dealers are, or whatever.

Years of sobriety are great, but I'm depressed by how painful it sounds. It's not like what I read about in the Big Book, which talks about no longer thinking about alcohol, about drawing back from it as from a hot flame, about becoming happy, joyous and free.

By contrast, there's tremendous ambivalence in your message. You have a wonderful family life, but you'd like to divorce so you can go back to the life you really enjoyed. It's like a post 5 years ago where you said in a single sentence that you were super happy with your life, and that you looked forward to dying.

I'm not writing this at all as criticism. That kind of warfare with self is what addiction is about. I just wonder if there isn't some path that might lead you not just to being sober because you've chained yourself in, but to being happy, joyous and free?

You talked in the past about working with a therapist and about being committed to getting a sponsor and to attending electronic meetings. Are you still doing those things, and does your therapist know about the tension you're experiencing?

It may well be that your problems are deep enough that even doing everything you can, sobriety is all you can hope for, and serenity is out of the question. I sure wouldn't want to admit that without being absolutely positive I had tried everything, though. It's possible to be pretty messed up and still to find peace. Are there are more things you can do to go deeper and really find freedom? If so, that could be a huge gift to your wife, to your children, and to yourself. And I've known a lot of people who have done that, people who moved from seriously illegal behavior to sobriety and to peace and to joy.

Hang onto that hope as long as you can.

Tim M.