Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2007 2:11:32 GMT -7
I am 35-years old.
I suppose I'll give the basics.
I live in central California's farm country. I've spent my whole life fumbling around the Fowler, Caruthers-area. Some of you from this neck of the woods will be familiar with it. My family was blue-collar. Lower middle class.
My parents were unfaithful to one another. My dad especially was very open about his infedility, and would even brag about his escapades in front of my mother. He was also an alcoholic and physically abusive to her. He was verbally abusive to all of us.
When I was 8 or 9-years old I began looking at the porn magazines he kept in his bedroom. I became sexually active around the age of 12, with a neighbor girl. We never actually did anything. Just the typical pre-teen touch and giglle stuff. But we thought we were really onto something.
I began buying porn for myself in Jr High. Some of the gas station/quick-e mart clerks weren't at all particular about who they sold the magazines to. In fact, some of them got a laugh out of selling me and my buddies a few magazines and a pack of smokes.
My porn addicition and masturbation began at the same time and grew in proportion to one another. By senior-year in high school regular porn wasn't doing the trick anymore, so I got into the harder-edged stuff. With my girlfriends as well. Some of them were more into it than I was. And by college I was spending a couple hundred a month on porn DVDs, magazines, going to topless bars with my friends, etc. It seemed that sex was all I thought about anymore. So much so that it began to effect my grades at school and my personal life.
But I never cared. I didn't see any of that as a problem.
Until Christ entered my life. Then it was like someone cut on a light and I could see for the first time. I had been covering myself in filth. I fairly reeked of it. And I wanted nothing more than to wash it all away. So the battle began to reclaim my life.
Undoing 20-plus years of porn addicition and frequent masturbation has been a titanic struggle. One that I do not always win. But as 2005 blended into '06, and now that '06 has become 2007, I feel the old desire less and less. My sex drive is returning to what is (I assume) normality. I do not obsess as I used to. I haven't purchased porn in more than 2-years.
The battle is nearly one. But it's not over. Just last month I fell hard. For 2 or 3 days in a row I spent hours online watching free porn clips. Afterward I felt like I had just slapped my father or mother. I was so ashamed. But since then I have picked myself up and carried on the fight. Today I feel good. Tomorrow I may need strength again.
But I am glad I found this site and i hope to benefit from everyone's advice and past experience. Maybe I can help some of you.
I suppose I'll give the basics.
I live in central California's farm country. I've spent my whole life fumbling around the Fowler, Caruthers-area. Some of you from this neck of the woods will be familiar with it. My family was blue-collar. Lower middle class.
My parents were unfaithful to one another. My dad especially was very open about his infedility, and would even brag about his escapades in front of my mother. He was also an alcoholic and physically abusive to her. He was verbally abusive to all of us.
When I was 8 or 9-years old I began looking at the porn magazines he kept in his bedroom. I became sexually active around the age of 12, with a neighbor girl. We never actually did anything. Just the typical pre-teen touch and giglle stuff. But we thought we were really onto something.
I began buying porn for myself in Jr High. Some of the gas station/quick-e mart clerks weren't at all particular about who they sold the magazines to. In fact, some of them got a laugh out of selling me and my buddies a few magazines and a pack of smokes.
My porn addicition and masturbation began at the same time and grew in proportion to one another. By senior-year in high school regular porn wasn't doing the trick anymore, so I got into the harder-edged stuff. With my girlfriends as well. Some of them were more into it than I was. And by college I was spending a couple hundred a month on porn DVDs, magazines, going to topless bars with my friends, etc. It seemed that sex was all I thought about anymore. So much so that it began to effect my grades at school and my personal life.
But I never cared. I didn't see any of that as a problem.
Until Christ entered my life. Then it was like someone cut on a light and I could see for the first time. I had been covering myself in filth. I fairly reeked of it. And I wanted nothing more than to wash it all away. So the battle began to reclaim my life.
Undoing 20-plus years of porn addicition and frequent masturbation has been a titanic struggle. One that I do not always win. But as 2005 blended into '06, and now that '06 has become 2007, I feel the old desire less and less. My sex drive is returning to what is (I assume) normality. I do not obsess as I used to. I haven't purchased porn in more than 2-years.
The battle is nearly one. But it's not over. Just last month I fell hard. For 2 or 3 days in a row I spent hours online watching free porn clips. Afterward I felt like I had just slapped my father or mother. I was so ashamed. But since then I have picked myself up and carried on the fight. Today I feel good. Tomorrow I may need strength again.
But I am glad I found this site and i hope to benefit from everyone's advice and past experience. Maybe I can help some of you.