Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2007 7:11:47 GMT -7
Hello, I am the wife of a recovered sex addict and would like to share my story. Our marriage had always seemed the ideal. Although we had the daily struggles of any married couple with children, we were very much in love after 20 years of marriage. My husband was a good father and a loving husband. We both gave the other encouragement and support, and I still got butterflys in my stomach just seeing him pull into the drive after a hard day at work. I loved him so much and took great pride in claiming him as mine.
My husband was usually cheerful and laid-back and somewhat shy. He never swore and only occasionally had a drink. He volunteered for various charities and donated regularly. Hours at his business were long, often he worked 7 days a week, 12 or more hours a day. I worked outside the home when needed, but we both agreed that the ideal was to have a parent at home for our 4 children. Since my husband worked such long hours, I took it upon myself to make sure he didn't have to lift a finger when he got home from work- except to eat a home-cooked meal. Money was often tight, so I took care of the lawn,painting,cleaning,bill paying ect., even layed flooring and cleaned the gutters. With all my children in sports and all the other duties it was sometimes hard; yet rewarding. My husband always hugged me when he left for work and came home- sometimes sending me large bouquets of flowers, just to say "I love You".
My husband ran his own business within a business. His work mail,credit cards and phone bill, all went to the work P.O. box. This made sense, since these were all work related and he paid the bills through his work. He also did some work-related travel;often a week at a time. He went to many beautiful resort areas and sometimes was able to take me and the children along.
I can honestly say that my husband never raised his voice to me for those 20 years. Lord knows I'm not perfect and certainly gave him occasions to lose his cool. There were periods where I felt so alone- even when he was there. He would talk to me, but didn't really share any deep emotions. I would hear about work, a funny story or a tale of a business associates life, but he didn't share himself much. I thought he was a little "boring". Then I would feel depressed, and blame myself. What did I have to be unhappy about? The only thing he consistently did that irritated me was paying the taxes late. He would usually file an extention, knowing this angered me. I had paid off some loans and credit cards of his before because it didn't make sense to pay higher interest than I was getting for savings.
2002 and nearing tax time, I ask him to please make sure he has the taxes done by April 15th. He seems a little agitated by my request, but promises. (He had an accountant, there was no excuse in my mind) A week before the deadline I ask if the taxes were ready, he promises "by X day he'll have them done". X day and I KNOW they are not done. When he walks in the door after work I demand an explanation and Mr. Laid-back blows his top. He began screaming at me "I'm sick of coming home to have you yelling at me", "I'm sick of being accused or questioned about other women"!!!! "WHAT?" I say. "I hug you when I come home", "what women am I accusing you of being with"? RED FLAG! RED FLAG! I wondering where and why these accusations are coming from him. Accusing him all the time? Oh yeah, I did question him that time I found another WOMENS name on his business bank account. A woman he hired from the bank. A woman with large breasts AND no experience. 20 years and he loses his tempter- over taxes? Surely this is a defense for something, but what? Let the snooping begin.
Well, lets see. I can look through his drawers and closet. Why did he mention those women at work? I guess I can check for lipstick on his shirt or the smell of perfume. All the paperwork and credit card statements go to the po box that I can't access. Now I remember seeing a porn sight on his computer at work that he said one of the employees was looking at. MY husband never had porn, so I took his explaination,but had some suspicion. Now I want to look at the computer because SOMETHING is wrong. Something.
I buy a spyware program and try to act "normal" until I have a chance to install it. I stop by work after he leaves and install it. I feel so very guilty for suspecting him of that "something", and terrible guilty for sneaking around and spying. The next morning he goes to work and my spyware goes to work! He spends a good part of the morning viewing porn sights. I want to puke. I look at the sights, searching for some understanding. Something is so very wrong about this. The next day is the same. I avoid him as much as possible. I'm a lousy liar and he'd know something was wrong and bug me. Now I feel I'm a lousy everything.
Why would he want to look at those trashy whores? I'm beautiful, my own husband tells me that. People have asked me if I'm a model. No matter, I question myself, him everything.
The next day my husband leaves town for a week long meeting. I kiss him goodbye, and a couple days later decide to go back to his office and snoop. I go at the end of the day. I find very little on the computer, but I'm somewhat illiterate in that area, besides, I saw how he was erasing his history before he left,via my spyware. I'm finding nothing, then hit the jackpot. The waste can. In the bottom are 4 large wads of toilet paper. I gag, but pick them up. (I remember the toilet paper roll he had on his desk for so long. I told him when I first saw it that it was tacky and embarrassing. He said it was because he didn't have Kleenex and took a roll to blow his nose.) The wads are hard, and I suspect he was masturbating to porn- why else view it?? I try to unroll one and realize it looks just like a cast of a PENIS! Yes, that is what I see. Almost funny, the only reason I can know for sure is because of the very good cast he made of his stupid penis. God was sick of my husband's porn and he was going to expose it. I'm a person who needs "beyond a doubt" evidence to accuse someone. I had it now!
Fear. Who was this man I'd spent the last 20 years with? He tried to call me from his hotel and I took the phone off the hook. I knew I would tip him off that something was wrong and didn't know what to do. I was frantic. He called and called and finally I answered so he wouldn't send the police thinking something had happened to me. I told him I had found porn on his computer and he downplayed it. Said he never masturbated and was sorry, would quit and "it was just guy fun". When he got back I screamed and cried and he lied. For 4 days he denied masturbating to the porn. I tried to help him confess- told him that most men have masturbated, that there would be no point in looking at porn if there was no release. He vehemently denied and finally I just took my bag of "evidence" (the toilet paper) and dumped it in front of him. He tried to blame it on another worker at first, but I persisted.
The next 10 months involved alot of NORMAL codependent type behaviors from me. Dressing sexier, having sex ALOT and him talking me into viewing porn with him. Yeah, he would only look at porn if I knew about it. I came to my senses, knowing that I was turning my back on my Lord, knowing this whole setup was Oh so very sick. All during this time my instincts told me there was more to it than porn, I questioned and questioned. He lied and lied. Finally, I decided that I needed to see the tax reciepts from his work. I had access to nothing. I had trusted him completely. I surprised him early one morning by backing my van up to his work and demanded that all tax receipts for the last 14 years be loaded in the back. I took them home. and began going through them. About a week later I found a suspicious charge on a credit card for $450.00 when he was on a business trip. A business trip he'd taken a buddy on. I asked him what it was for. He said he didn't know, but in the morning confessed it was for an escort, actually two- one for him, one for his buddy. He only confessed because he knew I'd check it out and discover who "Continental Services" really was.
He told me how they saw the escort service in the yellow pages at the hotel and made the call. How during the wait for them to arrive he "came to his senses" and didn't know how to get out of it. How when they arrived they said they were not doing it in the same room. How he took his whore into the bathroom and sat I the toilet and shook and cried and told her he couldn't go through with it. How he turned the water on so that they couldn't hear his friend and hooker in the adjoining room. How she never even took off her "suit jacket". I tried to believe the pathetic lie, but my gut wouldn't and so the snooping and questioning didn't end with that issue.
I was a mess, not eating, not sleeping because nothing made sense. Two weeks later with me begging and pleading he wrote down his confession of having gone to strip clubs, massage parlors, adult book stores and of course purchasing and viewing porn throughout our marriage. The first massage parlor was only 6 months into our marriage. He didn't try and blame me, told me he'd gone twice before we married and thought that "it would go away after marriage". When I read this confession and he was sobbing and me relieved to have my suspicions of "something more" confirmed- I HUGGED him. I KNEW this was not my husbands character, not the man I knew. I thanked God for revealing this. The realization came that I had made my husband an idol before God. I asked forgiveness. Within a day or so I somehow ran across a Sexual Addiction site and just knew this was what was wrong. I had my husband take the test and he confirmed. I found a specialist to treat it. My husband made the actual appointment. I went to the spouses support group. Our journey into a healthier life began.
....to be continued....
My husband was usually cheerful and laid-back and somewhat shy. He never swore and only occasionally had a drink. He volunteered for various charities and donated regularly. Hours at his business were long, often he worked 7 days a week, 12 or more hours a day. I worked outside the home when needed, but we both agreed that the ideal was to have a parent at home for our 4 children. Since my husband worked such long hours, I took it upon myself to make sure he didn't have to lift a finger when he got home from work- except to eat a home-cooked meal. Money was often tight, so I took care of the lawn,painting,cleaning,bill paying ect., even layed flooring and cleaned the gutters. With all my children in sports and all the other duties it was sometimes hard; yet rewarding. My husband always hugged me when he left for work and came home- sometimes sending me large bouquets of flowers, just to say "I love You".
My husband ran his own business within a business. His work mail,credit cards and phone bill, all went to the work P.O. box. This made sense, since these were all work related and he paid the bills through his work. He also did some work-related travel;often a week at a time. He went to many beautiful resort areas and sometimes was able to take me and the children along.
I can honestly say that my husband never raised his voice to me for those 20 years. Lord knows I'm not perfect and certainly gave him occasions to lose his cool. There were periods where I felt so alone- even when he was there. He would talk to me, but didn't really share any deep emotions. I would hear about work, a funny story or a tale of a business associates life, but he didn't share himself much. I thought he was a little "boring". Then I would feel depressed, and blame myself. What did I have to be unhappy about? The only thing he consistently did that irritated me was paying the taxes late. He would usually file an extention, knowing this angered me. I had paid off some loans and credit cards of his before because it didn't make sense to pay higher interest than I was getting for savings.
2002 and nearing tax time, I ask him to please make sure he has the taxes done by April 15th. He seems a little agitated by my request, but promises. (He had an accountant, there was no excuse in my mind) A week before the deadline I ask if the taxes were ready, he promises "by X day he'll have them done". X day and I KNOW they are not done. When he walks in the door after work I demand an explanation and Mr. Laid-back blows his top. He began screaming at me "I'm sick of coming home to have you yelling at me", "I'm sick of being accused or questioned about other women"!!!! "WHAT?" I say. "I hug you when I come home", "what women am I accusing you of being with"? RED FLAG! RED FLAG! I wondering where and why these accusations are coming from him. Accusing him all the time? Oh yeah, I did question him that time I found another WOMENS name on his business bank account. A woman he hired from the bank. A woman with large breasts AND no experience. 20 years and he loses his tempter- over taxes? Surely this is a defense for something, but what? Let the snooping begin.
Well, lets see. I can look through his drawers and closet. Why did he mention those women at work? I guess I can check for lipstick on his shirt or the smell of perfume. All the paperwork and credit card statements go to the po box that I can't access. Now I remember seeing a porn sight on his computer at work that he said one of the employees was looking at. MY husband never had porn, so I took his explaination,but had some suspicion. Now I want to look at the computer because SOMETHING is wrong. Something.
I buy a spyware program and try to act "normal" until I have a chance to install it. I stop by work after he leaves and install it. I feel so very guilty for suspecting him of that "something", and terrible guilty for sneaking around and spying. The next morning he goes to work and my spyware goes to work! He spends a good part of the morning viewing porn sights. I want to puke. I look at the sights, searching for some understanding. Something is so very wrong about this. The next day is the same. I avoid him as much as possible. I'm a lousy liar and he'd know something was wrong and bug me. Now I feel I'm a lousy everything.
Why would he want to look at those trashy whores? I'm beautiful, my own husband tells me that. People have asked me if I'm a model. No matter, I question myself, him everything. The next day my husband leaves town for a week long meeting. I kiss him goodbye, and a couple days later decide to go back to his office and snoop. I go at the end of the day. I find very little on the computer, but I'm somewhat illiterate in that area, besides, I saw how he was erasing his history before he left,via my spyware. I'm finding nothing, then hit the jackpot. The waste can. In the bottom are 4 large wads of toilet paper. I gag, but pick them up. (I remember the toilet paper roll he had on his desk for so long. I told him when I first saw it that it was tacky and embarrassing. He said it was because he didn't have Kleenex and took a roll to blow his nose.) The wads are hard, and I suspect he was masturbating to porn- why else view it?? I try to unroll one and realize it looks just like a cast of a PENIS! Yes, that is what I see. Almost funny, the only reason I can know for sure is because of the very good cast he made of his stupid penis. God was sick of my husband's porn and he was going to expose it. I'm a person who needs "beyond a doubt" evidence to accuse someone. I had it now!
Fear. Who was this man I'd spent the last 20 years with? He tried to call me from his hotel and I took the phone off the hook. I knew I would tip him off that something was wrong and didn't know what to do. I was frantic. He called and called and finally I answered so he wouldn't send the police thinking something had happened to me. I told him I had found porn on his computer and he downplayed it. Said he never masturbated and was sorry, would quit and "it was just guy fun". When he got back I screamed and cried and he lied. For 4 days he denied masturbating to the porn. I tried to help him confess- told him that most men have masturbated, that there would be no point in looking at porn if there was no release. He vehemently denied and finally I just took my bag of "evidence" (the toilet paper) and dumped it in front of him. He tried to blame it on another worker at first, but I persisted.
The next 10 months involved alot of NORMAL codependent type behaviors from me. Dressing sexier, having sex ALOT and him talking me into viewing porn with him. Yeah, he would only look at porn if I knew about it. I came to my senses, knowing that I was turning my back on my Lord, knowing this whole setup was Oh so very sick. All during this time my instincts told me there was more to it than porn, I questioned and questioned. He lied and lied. Finally, I decided that I needed to see the tax reciepts from his work. I had access to nothing. I had trusted him completely. I surprised him early one morning by backing my van up to his work and demanded that all tax receipts for the last 14 years be loaded in the back. I took them home. and began going through them. About a week later I found a suspicious charge on a credit card for $450.00 when he was on a business trip. A business trip he'd taken a buddy on. I asked him what it was for. He said he didn't know, but in the morning confessed it was for an escort, actually two- one for him, one for his buddy. He only confessed because he knew I'd check it out and discover who "Continental Services" really was.
He told me how they saw the escort service in the yellow pages at the hotel and made the call. How during the wait for them to arrive he "came to his senses" and didn't know how to get out of it. How when they arrived they said they were not doing it in the same room. How he took his whore into the bathroom and sat I the toilet and shook and cried and told her he couldn't go through with it. How he turned the water on so that they couldn't hear his friend and hooker in the adjoining room. How she never even took off her "suit jacket". I tried to believe the pathetic lie, but my gut wouldn't and so the snooping and questioning didn't end with that issue.
I was a mess, not eating, not sleeping because nothing made sense. Two weeks later with me begging and pleading he wrote down his confession of having gone to strip clubs, massage parlors, adult book stores and of course purchasing and viewing porn throughout our marriage. The first massage parlor was only 6 months into our marriage. He didn't try and blame me, told me he'd gone twice before we married and thought that "it would go away after marriage". When I read this confession and he was sobbing and me relieved to have my suspicions of "something more" confirmed- I HUGGED him. I KNEW this was not my husbands character, not the man I knew. I thanked God for revealing this. The realization came that I had made my husband an idol before God. I asked forgiveness. Within a day or so I somehow ran across a Sexual Addiction site and just knew this was what was wrong. I had my husband take the test and he confirmed. I found a specialist to treat it. My husband made the actual appointment. I went to the spouses support group. Our journey into a healthier life began.
....to be continued....