A lot of words about myself

Well Isotope:

What can we do to support you?

Thanks for sharing your story.

-Steve

I apologize for my behavior if I sounded rude or blunt... I also have frustrations from other things at the moment entirely unrelated to this delicate subject, more related to my deafness.  Please accept my apologies if anything bothered you.  I am blunt because I have experienced so many people being "indirect" with me about things, and my mind is full of questions that need answers of some sort.

Steve,

Thank you for the excellent forum!  I am not aware of many deaf communities...because I looked in the wrong places before, I guess.  I live near the Oklahoma City area in OK, and I know they have Deaf Coffee chat and Oklahoma deaf events.  My previous deaf friends told me they do not go to these events anymore, and I asked "Why?"  They said because there were bad influence deaf groups who went there, that used drugs, etc, and they said I shouldn't get involved with them.  Although right now, I might as well.  I've had friends who did drugs and sex, but no amount of peer pressure ever caused me to do either.  The deaf events are very infrequent, so I would need to find friends who do not mind doing something outside events.  However, there are not many deaf my age within the area.

My choice of friends is rather limited because of not enough people with whom to communicate. My previous friends did not encourage me to meet more deaf people.  In fact, I rarely heard a word of encouragement out of them so that's why I left them.  Plus, with the addiction, it makes me nervous making friends.  Because I can not predict what I will be like the next day.  My unpredictability throws them off track and they give me weird looks, that is why I have opted to avoid making friends for a while, until now... (and the unpredictibility doesn't have only to do with the porn addiction but the amount of time spent by myself)

Right now, I'm actually doing much better than before.  I use a calendar to mark the days when I have a "problem" with a X, and see how long I can go for.  Then I create a challenge to beat that the next time. So far now my record's at 3 weeks before I even look at porn.   What I said earlier about seeing porn 3x a week at most is somewhat misleading, because most of the time it's actually been only 1 time a week...right now I have not looked at any porn in 7 days.  My thoughts are much clearer when I don't view any porn.  Although I still have to work on my biological clock because my sleep's messed up.

I may have gone off track for a bit there, but to answer your question regarding deaf community, I have not made a full attempt at being involved yet.  Only two weeks ago did I finally get information from one deaf friend where to look online for deaf events in Oklahoma but they happen only once every few weeks.  I feel the deaf community here is pretty small, but I am going to make an earnest attempt.  Thank you for suggesting where to look.  To be honest, the deaf/hh forum you gave me is the BEST one I've run across.  I will post on it sometime.  I am very excited about it.

I will tell her (the Deaf British college student) you referred me.     But I won't want anyone knowing I'm going through this.  I prefer to talk about this issue here in this forum..thanks for understanding.

I would not mind seeing a sexual addiction counselor, but I do not think now is the right time.  For a few reasons.  I am not working, so I cannot afford the therapetic sessions.  Also, I am starting to make real progress.  I want to see what happens first.  Also, another reason is if I go see a sexual addiction counselor, it will probably be charged on a per hour basis and it would be embarrassing having an interpreter there translating the subject.  Especially since most interpreters are women in the Oklahoma area.  If I asked not to have an interpreter, then it would take longer to communicate to the therapist, and it would cost more.  The deaf community here in Oklahoma is small and I don't care whether or not the interpreters respect the "zero tolerance" confidency policy, they'll see me at deaf/interpreter events in the future and know in the back of their heads what I'm dealing with.

I was surprised that you were in contact with deaf people, since I see you've posted some questions on that site.  I'm lucky to have someone like you who understands some deaf issues working with me on this "other" issue as well. 

I do find that when I have people watching out for me (which is almost never), my resistance increases against compulsive porn viewing.  I have always had very strong resistance to peer pressure, two girls tried getting me into bed with them but I drew the line there and told them no.  I also refused to touch any girls at the forbidden zones because I draw the line there also.  My problem is compulsively watching porn out of boredom or need for a thrill because there aren't many thrilling things to do by yourself if you're almost always thinking about that sort of stuff.  I need support and ways to fight this temptation.  Something constructive.

Sorry to end this without specifying what else I need, because I'm typing this up pretty quick.  I felt a little tempted tonight so I got on aim and asked my cousin to play monopoly with me at www.games.com   But...any support is appreciated!  Thank you, Steve, for providing me with a very good deaf forum.

Hi Isotope,

My input might not be so great, but I thought it might be nice to have a 3rd person taking part in the discussion.    And Steve's cousel is really good.

I noticed at one point (and I did not read everything) that you had not viewed porn in 7 days, and that your mind was much clearer.   This brings up a vital part of my own recovery (I am a hearing person and supposedly "normal").  That being, that life just goes so much better for me when I am operating under the umbrella of God's protection; that is to say, walking in obedience to his word, and enjoying his fellowship.

Not that my every thought is pure, or that life has no problems.  It's just that God really is our strength when we let him be, and I am learning to enjoy that.

And whether we have gone 7 days, or more than that, we have to keep up our guard.  My daily Scriptures are my lifeline---absolutely necessary to my survival.

Paul and Steve,

Thank you for your opinions! They are very useful. Steve, in response to your question, no, masturbation hasn't happened even once since I stopped viewing pornography. I mean it honestly. I knew it was a "glue" as you stated, Steve. Also, there is more where I am coming from. I had to find happiness within myself first, so I detached myself from the rest of the world for five months and had nothing to do with people and found things to do on my own. Sometimes I did not even see a single person for weeks. I developed sociophobia and avoided going out of my room for days in fear that my roommate would see me. I did not eat for days. I staged myself for failure on purpose, but kept some minimum control over myself. I was so disturbed by silence that the slightest provocation nearly drove me over the curb. For this reason, I could not stand reading a single page in a book. It was too lonely. I had reached a fine line between reality and fantasy. I had recurring nightmares every night, some so bad I occassionally woke up screaming from my sleep. I felt that the only way to rebuild myself was to destroy myself first. Like a house with a weak foundation, you have to destroy the old foundation and build a new one. Christ will be the new foundation.

I missed a lot of my classes at school because I felt that in everything I did, it was because everyone else wanted me to. Not because I wanted to. I staged my own failure in school as a "key" to unlocking my mind, and this seemed the only way. To kill the silence factor that was bothering me, I played an online game for five months with my cousin and absorbed what others were saying in the game to understand how people talk, even though it is not really how the rest of the world talks. I kept enough control over myself to not slip too far into oblivion. But I did view some porn during this time too.

I resorted to this also because my friends were abusing me and I was not feeling strong enough to stand up for myself. But once I stopped after five months, I knew after-effects and withdrawal effects would occur. Now I know this goes against common sense and people may think: you cannot self-rehab yourself. But I did. Even without medicine.

I do not recommend people try this. Unless there is no other choice. It was my last resort. I lowered my expectations of myself greatly. But the withdrawal effect would take two months (until July this year) and I knew that this was more important than the pornography issue. It, after all, was the real underlying issue behind my behavior. And that somehow I healed feelings of abyssal depths, that had followed me for 15 years, it was the first of several miracles I think are about to take place.

For me, everyday is like a new star pops up in the sky. Soon the sky will be filled with stars. The stars symbolize the dreams I used to have, as well as traits I lost long ago. One of the traits I have regained is consistency. I have done several things for two months now that I couldn't do for two weeks straight. It could be anything from eating, sleeping, doing school work, reading, visiting people, going to social events. Most importantly, my feelings have become stable and do not change abruptly anymore. Now, I am trying to be a cautious optimist about this...taking things one step at a time.

I believe what you and Mike agreed on with chilling honesty about people not ever getting free from rampant sexual addiction without getting involved in some kind of group. But I kind of planned this from the very beginning (since 9 months ago - first take care of the true underlying problem (which I believe was Borderline Personality Disorder, if you want a medical term for it) then deal with sexual addiction)... I am going to try to make another miracle take place here. I'll make you a deal. I will not intentionally watch porn or masturbate (even once) for a year. Then I will come back here and tell you how it went. I will not forget. You ok with this? I'll just hope this forum is around at August of next year. But if I run into any trouble, I will seek a therapist. And I will say something here about it.

I know I seem hardheaded and stubborn but this has proven useful to me from time to time. I understand the neurological implications you're talking about very well... However, the respect I used to have for myself came back, even before I met the girl. The respect is what really shields me from those thoughts. Other than that, I have also regained a respect for others. That is very important.

Paul, I agree that God is our strength and that daily Scriptures do serve a lifeline purpose. In fact, I am going to church tonight for the first time in a year. I plan on regularly attending every Sunday and Wednesday night. Church is a means of restoring your strength if you feel weak-faithed and unable to do something on your own. I feel that the Lord is at work in my life and that he will help me overcome anything.

Steve, one more question. Is thinking provocative thoughts a sin? Or is it simply acting on the thoughts that is a sin?  I read a book on abuse and a very wise psychiatrist in the book said something that conflicted with this girl's Catholic views. That it was the action that was the sin and not the thought. That if you learn not to let the thoughts bother you, ignoring them, then you can prevent the actions. Interesting theory, huh?