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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2006 13:42:50 GMT -7
Good evening all! I just found this site a little while ago in my search for help with porn addiction. I have been looking at porn online since sometime in 1998. I am again, attempting (for the millionth time at least) to abstain from the "enjoyment" of porn and self'pleasure. I have been in a relationship wth my wife since 1999, we married in 2005. While I have found a few brief respites from this insanity, I have never been totally free from this insidious addiction. I've been using all the classic excuses frmo "no one knows" to "hey, I am a guy, right?" to "my wife isn't interested in sex with me anyhow..." and so forth. I watched a special the other nite on the Glenn Beck program about the evil of pornography, and it just really struck me that I have got to find a way to stop with this.
I have been happily sober in AA for nearly 11 years so I know what to do, I am just trying to get to the point, to the realization of my powelessness over my sexual/porn addiction. I think that by actually admitting this online to someone, joining this website, and so forth, I am finally making a beginning in the recovery from this insanity. I can see so many parallels between my drinking/drugging and my use of porn and self pleasure. I can see myself progressing in my addiction. I am really afraid that at some point down the line, I am going to go beyond masturbation as far as seeking pleasure is concerned. I find myself practically leering at attractive women. While I have always been private and discreet when it comes to porn, I feel like it's going to get crazy out of control.
So, in an effort to rid myself a day at a time of this craving, this lust, I am turning to those who are similarly afflicted, trying to admit "publicly" that I have a problem. That's the very beginnings of recovery... I could use some fellowship, support and prayer. I am simply too shame filled and embarrassed to actually peak with someone in person so I thought I would try this out.
Thanks...
Pray for my release, as I will be praying for all of you to find Him, and place your hearts in His hands!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2006 17:42:13 GMT -7
Scott, the good news is you are not alone in this. In fact, you can't do this alone. This is a good site filled with lots of experience. There is a lot of other men's trials and errors recorded here. Specifically, read the articles in the main site. Kicking porn and sexual addiction is not about developing stronger will power. It is about recognizing the needs you are trying to fill with the porn and recognizing that God loves you unconditionally.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2006 4:47:24 GMT -7
Thanks Alpha... I appreciate your comments and insight... I have finally decided that I cannot just "kick this habit" and that my will is exactly the problem. So, I am praying for the strength to simply turn this over to God, and fill the looming void that will be left behind with Him.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2006 5:31:33 GMT -7
Scott,
Welcome. I've only been visiting this site for a few weeks, but it has really helped just to have my addiction "out there." Personally, I don't like the term "accountability group" or "accountability partner" but, I think as you go along on your path to freedom from pornography you will find that just you and God probably won't work either. I'm not sure why, but there is strength in numbers. Which is the name Blazing Grace has given to their support groups. You can see the link on this site.
I know both the power of the group and the failure of isolation. I once experienced five years of freedom, without hardly a thought of looking at pornography. At the time I was actively involved in a men's bible study. We met weekly and prayed for each other, studied the bible, etc. My work schedule changed and I found myself unable to attend. It was during that time, roughly 6-7 years ago, that I first heard about pornography on the internet. One look, just one little peek, and it's been 7 years of hell. We all know your pain, and fear, and bewilderment.
I suggest trying to find some kind of support group, a local church to attend, and daily involvment in the struggle for freedom.
God Bless,
Matt
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2006 5:40:15 GMT -7
Excellent suggestions...
In fact, I am currently enjoying the RCIA process of becoming Catholic. And ot be honest, it is that process which has led me to the point of knowing in my heart of hearts that I cannot deal with this addiction alone. While I am not doing any "face time" in discussing this particular addicition, I have you folks here online, I attend 2 AA meetings per week, RCIA weekly, Mass weekly and plenty of blogging, prayer and home bible study. So, I am definitely not out here on an island alone.
Thanks for your feedbacck and support! Together we can do this! I know all too well, the horrors of combatting addiction alone!
Scott
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Post by TimM on Dec 18, 2006 7:26:16 GMT -7
Welcome, scott!
Everything you are doing is good, but I would still call you back to a statement you made in your initial post,
"I am simply too shame filled and embarrassed to actually speak with someone in person".
This makes it sound like you are still pretty much alone on this issue, and your AA experience ought to suggest to you that this is not a good place to be. My own experience is that we make a lot more progress when we are ready to be open with others in real life, and to drop all those things we aren't willing to do for recovery.
Putting on your AA hat, what would you say to someone who said, "Well, I'm too shame-filled to talk to anyone about my drinking, but I go to mass a lot and I've shared about it on line and I get support from people in my SAA meetings"?
Just some questions for reflection. I think your AA experience is a huge plus in confronting this other addiction! With 11 years of AA sobriety, you absolutely know what to do. Just be sure you actually do it, and don't just know it.
Obviously, ignore all parts of this that don't fit. And really, welcome. It's a big step to come here.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2006 11:01:28 GMT -7
Well Tim, thanks for your comments... I cannot say that I argue with your point about an alcoholic staying sober without some face time with another recovering alcoholic. I needed meetings in order to get sober, and I need them in order to stay sober. I guess my thinkgin is, that I can get that fellowship here, since I have meetings and alcoholics where I can share most everything that's going on with me. There are even a couple recovering friends that I can probably talk to a bit about this.
Thanks for your respect and support...
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Post by TimM on Dec 19, 2006 2:53:45 GMT -7
Scott, Cool. I think the friends sound like a great resource. It's just my take, but it seems to me like this addiction is much more secret than drinking or drugging, and that the importance of finding some way to break th secrecy and shame is especially important for us. That's especially true because the wonderful work that AA has done quietly helping the public to understand that alcoholism is a disease that afflicts good people isn't yet something that has happened very well for porn/sex addiction. If you do get to where more contact with other sex addicts seems important for your recovery, I have a post at blazinggrace.org/forums/view_topic.php?id=573&forum_id=7&jump_to=4171#p4171that lists web pages for the various S fellowships, and for online 12-step meetings for the likes of us. I've been really impressed at some of the people I've met at the online SLAA meetings. It's like any meeting - there are people at all stages of recovery there - but there are some very wise people with very deep recovery from whom I have learned an enormous amount. They really helped lead me into the program, showed me that there really was hope for us, and got me to the point I was able to walk into a face-to-face meeting. Again, glad to have you among us. Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2006 3:00:48 GMT -7
Again, thanks very much for your help Tim. I will check out that link and what's there... I really do appreciate it!
As far as accountability is concerned, my last viewing of porn and all that goes along with that was on Friday 12/15. I have since rid myself of all photos, bookmarks, web histories, chat programs, etc. That's not to say I cannot get a hold of stuff, but at least it's not laying around on my comp.
I've been praying daily to my HP, whom I call God/Jesus Christ for removal of this obsession, and strength to go throughout my day looking for ways to live His Will and share His Grace with those about me.
So far so good.... It's a day at a time thing, I know that! Thankfully, I am very busy with work, family, church, AA and community stuff. That helps as well.
I wouldn't be opposed to exchanging cell phone numbers with anyone who would like to have someone to share with, regarding this addicition of ours. If you want to exchange numbers, email me and we can do that. scottf@nktelco.net
Thanks!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2006 6:40:20 GMT -7
No takers on the e-mail, cell number exchange? Again, my email is scottf@nktelco.net
Thanks
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