Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2006 7:37:02 GMT -7
Hello all,
I am a 24 year old male and to this day I struggle with lust. I am a christian and have been for quite some time. I was born and raised in a christian home and have attended church my entire life. I am not really sure where to begin my tale here, but I will do my best to cover my history and the grace that has been shown in my life thus far.
I discovered masturbation at a young age and for a long time didn't really understand what it was. This kept up over the years and I eventually made the connection between it and how I felt when I saw an attractive girl. So that was the beginning for me. A few years after this my parents bought their first computer and with it came the internet. Following this came my introduction to the availability of sexually explicit material on the internet. From images to chat rooms to stories I stumbled from one thing to the next with no-one being the wiser. Eventually my parents found something and the full scale was discovered. I, of course, denied any involvement and lied my way to a place of "safety" where I didn't get into any trouble, at the time. Soon though my conscience convicted me of my sin of lust and lying and I fessed up to my parents and accepted the due punishment of my crime. This stopped me for a while from doing it out of sheer fear and how badly I felt for doing something I knew was wrong. After I got into high-school and especially college where I had a level of relative unmonitored access to the internet I fell hard and spent much time in the sexual underworld of the internet. Again due to the privacy allowed on the internet no-one but me knew what I was doing. As time progressed I grew increasingly guilty and felt dirty for having seen what I did. I knew what I had looked at was warped and twisted. What I allowed myself to fantasize was not real and merely a projection of my ideals of physical attraction. After a time of this hard fall I realized what I was involved with and made earnest intercession to God to work in my life and enable me to walk the path of life and light and follow Him in this area leaving behind the struggle of this temptation. By his grace he gave me control over the level of involvement I have had (dont mistake this to be an immediate thing for it took time for me to drag myself out of the pit in which I now found myself) but the struggle with lust has been ever present. Where I had looked at porn for periods of time almost every day I had drastically changed to looking for 5 or so minutes occasionally and often going for weeks or even months without looking at all. With this though I had mixed feelings, one day I would feel pretty good seeing where I had been and now was, seeing the progress I had made, and then the next day I would feel utter despair in having looked at all knowing what was in my head would be there forever and I would carry this into any relationship I ever had, as a result I started and still do sometimes question the ability for me to have any relationship at all (which makes me very sad as I have wanted a christian wife and family for some time now). Recently I have come once again to the firm conviction of my sin in this area and the work of the devil in my life to tempt me and make me feel ok with it. Telling myself such things as "masturbation is normal I am a healthy 24 year old virgin, I have to find release somewhere" or "even people I meet dont have a problem with it so it cant be that bad" though the truth is that it is bad both porn and masturbation are bad they warp and twist the view of a healthy sex life as God intended it in the context of marriage. Looking at images you see floating around the internet or the world in general and realizing you will never get them out of your head is a scary thought. Looking into my own head and seeing what images are there makes me sad and broken hearted over the pain I have caused my savior, my family, and myself. Even now one of my greatest fears in this life is to tell a girl I meet and fall in love with about this struggle for I truly fear she will run the other way as fast as she possibly can.
I know this can be accomplished and I am going through what is often the hardest part of the process (the first couple of months) but some days it feels hopeless with the sheer amount of sex related media running around day to day. It seems like everywhere you look there is something to draw you to that edge. Whether its a billboard or a tv show, or a movie, or a girl in a low cut top or short skirt showing you more than even she probably intends. I think my case is a bit unique in that I started full on looking frequently and at some of the more hardcore stuff out there and over the years have cut back to looking very little (not at all now and hopefully that will continue) basically it became something to do when I was bored, however dont confuse this to be a justification but I do find hope in the fact that it isn't something ruling my life, and what I was looking at was soft-core stuff. This I do account solely to the work of Christ in my life and afford him my fullest honor and thanks in this. I continue to pray for a full abatement of the desire to look at girls lustfully, and the biggest struggle I have now is masturbation resulting from such occurrences of lust rather than porn.
This is the first time I have put anything like this down in writing and to look at it and read it make me sad and upset. But also glad at it's quality as a reminder of how desperate and hopeless we are apart from Christ's work in our lives. I pray earnestly for Christ to fill my heart with his love and grace and keep me from falling into sin in this area. Looking at scripture as a whole and the state of the world today (taking the stance that there is nothing new under the sun) we see that lust and sexual sin is and has been prevalent forever. This is all the more reason to pray vigilantly and earnestly for the love and protection of the Savior and to never let our guard down thinking even for a second we have conquered anything.
I am a 24 year old male and to this day I struggle with lust. I am a christian and have been for quite some time. I was born and raised in a christian home and have attended church my entire life. I am not really sure where to begin my tale here, but I will do my best to cover my history and the grace that has been shown in my life thus far.
I discovered masturbation at a young age and for a long time didn't really understand what it was. This kept up over the years and I eventually made the connection between it and how I felt when I saw an attractive girl. So that was the beginning for me. A few years after this my parents bought their first computer and with it came the internet. Following this came my introduction to the availability of sexually explicit material on the internet. From images to chat rooms to stories I stumbled from one thing to the next with no-one being the wiser. Eventually my parents found something and the full scale was discovered. I, of course, denied any involvement and lied my way to a place of "safety" where I didn't get into any trouble, at the time. Soon though my conscience convicted me of my sin of lust and lying and I fessed up to my parents and accepted the due punishment of my crime. This stopped me for a while from doing it out of sheer fear and how badly I felt for doing something I knew was wrong. After I got into high-school and especially college where I had a level of relative unmonitored access to the internet I fell hard and spent much time in the sexual underworld of the internet. Again due to the privacy allowed on the internet no-one but me knew what I was doing. As time progressed I grew increasingly guilty and felt dirty for having seen what I did. I knew what I had looked at was warped and twisted. What I allowed myself to fantasize was not real and merely a projection of my ideals of physical attraction. After a time of this hard fall I realized what I was involved with and made earnest intercession to God to work in my life and enable me to walk the path of life and light and follow Him in this area leaving behind the struggle of this temptation. By his grace he gave me control over the level of involvement I have had (dont mistake this to be an immediate thing for it took time for me to drag myself out of the pit in which I now found myself) but the struggle with lust has been ever present. Where I had looked at porn for periods of time almost every day I had drastically changed to looking for 5 or so minutes occasionally and often going for weeks or even months without looking at all. With this though I had mixed feelings, one day I would feel pretty good seeing where I had been and now was, seeing the progress I had made, and then the next day I would feel utter despair in having looked at all knowing what was in my head would be there forever and I would carry this into any relationship I ever had, as a result I started and still do sometimes question the ability for me to have any relationship at all (which makes me very sad as I have wanted a christian wife and family for some time now). Recently I have come once again to the firm conviction of my sin in this area and the work of the devil in my life to tempt me and make me feel ok with it. Telling myself such things as "masturbation is normal I am a healthy 24 year old virgin, I have to find release somewhere" or "even people I meet dont have a problem with it so it cant be that bad" though the truth is that it is bad both porn and masturbation are bad they warp and twist the view of a healthy sex life as God intended it in the context of marriage. Looking at images you see floating around the internet or the world in general and realizing you will never get them out of your head is a scary thought. Looking into my own head and seeing what images are there makes me sad and broken hearted over the pain I have caused my savior, my family, and myself. Even now one of my greatest fears in this life is to tell a girl I meet and fall in love with about this struggle for I truly fear she will run the other way as fast as she possibly can.
I know this can be accomplished and I am going through what is often the hardest part of the process (the first couple of months) but some days it feels hopeless with the sheer amount of sex related media running around day to day. It seems like everywhere you look there is something to draw you to that edge. Whether its a billboard or a tv show, or a movie, or a girl in a low cut top or short skirt showing you more than even she probably intends. I think my case is a bit unique in that I started full on looking frequently and at some of the more hardcore stuff out there and over the years have cut back to looking very little (not at all now and hopefully that will continue) basically it became something to do when I was bored, however dont confuse this to be a justification but I do find hope in the fact that it isn't something ruling my life, and what I was looking at was soft-core stuff. This I do account solely to the work of Christ in my life and afford him my fullest honor and thanks in this. I continue to pray for a full abatement of the desire to look at girls lustfully, and the biggest struggle I have now is masturbation resulting from such occurrences of lust rather than porn.
This is the first time I have put anything like this down in writing and to look at it and read it make me sad and upset. But also glad at it's quality as a reminder of how desperate and hopeless we are apart from Christ's work in our lives. I pray earnestly for Christ to fill my heart with his love and grace and keep me from falling into sin in this area. Looking at scripture as a whole and the state of the world today (taking the stance that there is nothing new under the sun) we see that lust and sexual sin is and has been prevalent forever. This is all the more reason to pray vigilantly and earnestly for the love and protection of the Savior and to never let our guard down thinking even for a second we have conquered anything.