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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2006 19:04:04 GMT -7
my name is preston im 17 yrs old and i have a addiction to internet porn!!!!! i have tried to just stop but the longest i have ever gone is a week i started looking at porn at about 13 or so in four yrs this addiction has a strong hold on me but im tired of it i my parents have no idea about it because i am pretty good on computers. i only give in to it when im alone its hard to describe the feeling its like it overwelms me till I finnaly give in to it but i feel so bad about it. ive read many stories on here and from the sounds of it im not as bad off as i thought.i plan on joining the navy in june of 07 and i want to be free of this sin i know that the road im going on right now is not going to get me into heaven. and in the millitary u never know what could happen and i dont want spend eternity in HELL. i used to have a collection of tapes but i tried my hardest to quit about a week ago so i burned every scrap of porn or anthing that was close to it but on the 7th day i stumbled. this was the almost the hardest thing in the world for me to do the hardest will be telling my parents about the sins i have committed which im not so sure i can do my parents are proud of me and my acomplishments but i must not have any chracter because what i do in secrect is not how im in public. and the last thing does this want t osee more ever go away? ??
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Post by TimM on Oct 28, 2006 3:59:25 GMT -7
Good job coming here, Preston! I was 3 times your age when I got here. Think about that if you want a reason to get serious now.
Just a few quick thoughts:
On telling your parents: You might be surprised how much support and love is available when you are able to confess that you are miserable because you are out of control and need help. To be able to do that is a mark of character, a sign that the man you want to become is inside you, and that it is so important to you to become that man that you are willing even to do very hard and courageous acts of putting aside your pride in order to make that happen. If you can't talk to your parents in specific terms, is there a counselor at school or a pastor or someone else you can talk to? Or could you say in generic terms to your parents that you are unhappy about things within yourself that you don't feel you want to disclose to them in detail, and that you would like to work with a counselor on those issues? Addiction is a disease of isolation. You can't beat isolation alone. It's isolation and shame that hold us in our addiction; and I think breaking out of that isolation and shame somehow is for most of us an awfully important step in our recovery.
On burning your porn and being back at it in a week: I did stuff like that for over 20 years. It's great you had the commitment to burn your stash. I bet it felt good to do it, and I bet you really were sincere in meaning to start a new life when you did. It was always that way for me. The fact that this wasn't enough is what addiction is about, though - not being able to stop coming back even when we desperately want to and even when our repentance is sincere. It's why most of us need more help, working with others, if we are to make any progress toward recovery. I got stuck in a rut of doing what you did last week and just repeating it for 20-25 years, each time thinking that this time it would work. I hope you find a way to do a new thing quicker than I did, rather than staying in a place that was really insane for as long as I did.
On whether it goes away: Yes and no, in my opinion. I've been sober about a year at this point. There are men in my 12-step meetings who have been sober for 5, 10, 20 years. And that has not necessarily been years of struggling every day in desperate effort not to act out, but years of being happy, joyous and free. This can happen to people. I've seen it. On the other hand, I think the tendency and the temptation to slip back into our old ways are always there. When things get stressful, I certainly have thoughts of isolating again and looking at porn again. The old self is still there. For me and for my friends, staying sober takes continuing to be attentive. It takes continuing to go to 12-step meetings, continuing to be attentive to my thoughts and feelings, continuing to pray, continuing to be open and to share with other people, continuing to come to places like this, continuing to listen and to discern the will of God in my life, continuing to be open and honest with my wife, etc. But look at that list: those are all good and wonderful things! It's a huge amount of work, and it is often scary to look inside myself and to face honestly what I find. But the things I need to do to stay sober are things that help me understand myself better, that bring me closer to other people, that strengthen my connections to my wife and my kids and my God and myself. They are blessings.
I'm persuaded that I'm an addict and that I will stay an addict for the rest of my life. I'm persuaded that I could be back in active addiction at any time. In a funny way, though, that's a blessing. A better person than I wouldn't need to be forced to pray, to be honest, to make friends, to listen to God, to understand himself. I turn out to need to be forced to do those things - forced because if I don't, I'll fall back into active addiction. But being forced to do those things has brought me blessings I never imagined.
On going to hell: I spent years convinced that God hated me. God was judging me. All I knew about God was that He was demanding me to live in ways I couldn't live. I didn't see how I could satisfy God, and I was angry and wished God didn't exist. This isn't what my faith teaches, but it is what I felt.
Part of my problem was that I thought I had faith in God, but I didn't. I was always holding back. I would ask God to take everything, but there was always doubt; there was always something of mine that I held on to, keeping it safe with me.
It took me 35 years of fighting with my addiction to finally hit bottom and give up, to finally be able really to say to God, "OK, I'm done. I'm out of ideas. My way hasn't worked. I can't stay sober. I'm completely walled off from You, from my wife, from my kids, from myself. I'm thinking about suicide. I'm through. So now I'll try a last thing. I'll try really trusting You. I haven't got anything left to lose. I'll do whatever You tell me. You can save me or not; what You do is Your business. I hope You'll take control and help me to serve others, because if You don't, there's no more hope for me. Either way, though, I'm Yours. Do what You want with me."
From that moment, something changed. I still struggled. I still slipped, more than once, and I could slip again. But I came to see that all those years when I thought God was judging me and hating me, God was instead standing beside me, loving me, waiting patiently until I had finally suffered enough to be willing to trust Him. Sex addiction wasn't the blessing I wanted, but it turns out to have been the blessing I needed in order to enable me to see that; and it is the blessing I received.
In the last year, I've twice found myself near death, and the experience of surrender to God and acceptance of myself that I have found in the program have enabled me both times to be at peace under conditions I would have been totally unable to face 2 years ago.
I don't mean to say at all that all I needed was a single moment mountaintop experience. I needed and I still need friends and honesty and counseling and my 12-step meetings and more. In my addiction, I isolate from God and from people and from myself; to recover I need to maintain connection with God and with people and with myself. No part of that is optional. Sex addiction is harder to deal with than alchohol and drug addiction for most people, and we need all the tools for recovery we can get.
But I am passionately convinced that God loves those of us who struggle with addictions far more and far deeper than I could ever understand.
On the Navy: Thank you for being willing to serve. We need people like you. Do be aware that there is a lot of porn in the military, or so I understand, and that your recovery will need to be strong in order for you to be safe there.
Welcome here. I hope you can connect with other people and with God and with yourself and can find a path to recovery that brings you the joy and the peace you deserve.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2006 11:52:35 GMT -7
Preston - I'll 'second' everthing Tim says. Except I'd encourage you even more strongly to "confess all" to your parents. If they're proud of you, it isn't just because of your accomplishments. They're proud of you because of who you are inside (parents see more of this than you think), and Preston, I know you've got a great heart inside, or you wouldn't be working to overcome this. Telling them everything (esp your father) will give you a major jump start on the process.
Tim, I'm in about the same place (age, pattern of addiction, etc), but haven't come to that position of trust in the Lord, and feeling of peace of His love, though I believe it's there. It just feels like there's a big 2x4 waiting to knock me upside the head, if I venture too close to Him. And, there really are things that I don't 101% want to give up and release to Him, even though my mind tells me I do, my heart isn't there. Wish I could do it right now, because I'm otherwise miserable, every day, pretty much 24/7, knowing that's what I have to do, but can't get myself to do it. Any prayers / advice appreciated.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2006 15:28:01 GMT -7
thank u all for the support but how do i tell my parents that im addicted to porn and expect them to understand and mostly trust me in other parts of my life. and yes im very sincere when i repent but as soon as i fail its like god has left me the feeling that he is here and helping has left and im just as weak as i was before repenting. And no theres no pastor to talk to cuz i quit going to church 3yrs out of anger over this and i used to fight with my parents about so they quit asking .
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2006 1:32:14 GMT -7
Hi Preston,
I am praying for you. I have a son your age, and have not yet explored whether or not my H's behavior has snared him as well.
Have you read the articles on this site? How is your relationship with your parents, especially your father? Do you think you are dealing with father wound issues? Did you stumble across porn on your own, or did someone introduce you to it? If your parents go to church, had you considered just getting up and going with them next Sunday?
Your parents could put blocking software on the computer, which does not solve your addiction, but would make acting out more difficult while you recover. There are several types of support groups mentioned on these forums, so maybe you could find one in your area.
The Bible assures us in 1 Cor. 10:13 that escape from temptation is possible. That does not mean that it won't be difficult, but it is possible.
TruthSeeker
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Post by TimM on Nov 2, 2006 13:28:39 GMT -7
First, apologies over taking so long to reply. It has been a difficult week.
Preston,
The advice about trying to open up contact with your parents is good.
Also, if you were avoiding church because of your porn habit, then starting back in honesty may be both important to you and desirable to your parents. For me, a major piece of my early recovery was discovering that God didn't hate me. I also found how much I had suffered by trying to be someone I wasn't at church - an upright, kind, wise, blameless father. Much of the pain I felt at church was because I felt like I had to be that person to be welcome in the eyes of God, and because I knew deep within me (though I hid it even from my family) that I wasn't that person. I felt like church never had anything for me, but that was because I was trying to prtend to be someone I wasn't.
When I became able instead to be able to approach God and ask, "What are you saying, Lord, in this service or this reading to me, a sex addict who cannot control myself and who has to epend entirely on You?" then all kinds of things opened up, and it became clear that almost every word touched me in some way.
A small example: in each of our liturgies, we sing the Beatitudes. I always thought they said nothing to me. Peacemaker? No. Meek? Not particularly. Righteous? Don't make me laugh. Only when I finally sat and asked what was being said to me, a sex addict, did I finally work out that what was being sung was not, "Blessed are the righteous," but "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness." How do you hunger and thirst after righteousness more than by struggling every day for 3 decades to be righteous, and knowing every day for 3 decades that you have failed? So all those years I thought God was saying nothing to me, or that God was judging and condemning me in anger, I was wrong. God was waiting for me in patient love. He wasn't refusing to speak, and He wasn't saying "Condemned." Over and over, waiting until I could hear it, He was saying another word to me: "Blessed".
Gaylon,
I wish I had an answer to your questions. I'm frightened by the number of people at my meetings who have been in the program for years and who have not managed to get sober. I'm sorry for them, and I'm scared for myself - at what point will I, too, relapse and be unable to get back up? The nightmare of being back in that world of isolation and deceit just seems horrific.
All I can really say about my own experience is that I finally reached a point where I had suffered enough. I was totally isolated from God. Every day I felt more and more distant from my family. My oldest son was leaving for college, and he had never seen me well. I was considering suicide. I had a term off from work, and the only thing I planned to do with that time was to get clean of my habit. I lasted maybe a month. I was 52. I had been at this for 35 years. What was I going to do: try it my way for another 35 years and fail again (and almost certainly die first, anyway)?
I realized I was through. My way hadn't worked. I was on my way to death and hell. I was failing as a parent and as a husband and as a person. I couldn't stand to suffer longer, but even killing myself only to face God's judgment didn't seem like a way out.
I also came back to the 12 steps and back to Patrick Carnes' works and dared to believe that there might be hoope - that by joining with other people and by really trusting God, I might get out. People in the program told me this was true, and the program seemed to offer me hope of healing all the divisions that plagued me - separation from God, from my wife, from my kids, from myself.
I had long prayed to be able to trust God, to be able to turn everything over to Him, but I always held on. I needed control and safety. I couldn't trust. Finally, though, I reached a point where I felt I literally had nothing left. I was without relations with God and with people. I was ready to kill myself. Why not trust God? Everything I was trying to hold on to myself for safety had slipped away. There was nothing to lose, and people told me that there was everything to gain - contact with other people, serenity, peace with God, sobriety. It seemed like the greatest hope I could even imagine.
That's what started me on this journey. I needed total defeat, utter desperation, and a dazzling hope that normal people like me could really get better. I don't think I could have done without all those elements meeting together.
Another important thing for me was that during the first year and a half of my recovery, I had a couple of serious medical things happen - a heart attack and what turned out just to be a seizure but what I thought at the time was a bad stroke. Before getting into recovery, I would have been almost completely unable to deal with those things. How do you face death knowing that God hates you and that you are finally facing judgment for cutting yourself off utterly from Him and from the world? It would have been a nightmare.
Instead, I found myself after the heart attack in the ambulance heading for town in a state of peace. I had a lot to live for, but I knew that decision was out of my hands. I was at peace with my wife and with my kids and with my God. God was delivering me a day at a time from my addiction, but I was at every moment His to do with as He wanted. If I was going to die now, then I could face that with peace.
All this was a revelation to me. It showed me just how much recovery had brought me, how precious the new life I was being offered was to me. In my mind, the heart attack became a blessing - an event that showed me how much I had changed, a marker for the beginning of a new life, a token of how desperately important my new way of life was. I slipped a few times before the heart attack; I haven't slipped since. I have no illusions about the possibility of messing up again; but now I am clinging to recovery not as a way out of a bad habit or a thing to make my wife happy or even as a means to avoid the pain that overwhelmed me, but as the only source in my life of peace and of joy and of the blessings of God.
That's my story. I don't know how to make it translate to you. May you find a way, though, and may your walk be blessed.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2006 13:34:09 GMT -7
i have a good realation ship with my father and if they did put blockers on my computer I could get around them easily im not saying i would but t could so its pointless ive limited my viewing and time on the internet and i do plan on going to church next sun. a far as a support group im not ready i want to try this site and my own discipline and most importantly GOD b4 it comes to that its been a week and ive had many chances to act out ive prayed and removed myself from the situation. but as far as the addiction goes its there but its not as bad as it was a week ago. and i pray it gets better and i know i can win this fight with a lot of help from here and even more from god. so once again thank you all. o by the way i stumbled across porn truthseeker and wished i would have been scared and smart enough to just leave it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2006 16:50:31 GMT -7
[user=123]TimM[/user] wrote: Tim, thank you for your story -- I really do appreciate it. It's interesting to me how unimaginative Satan is in his approaches, since we all go through basically the same pattern, and how diverse are the ways of God, since He magnifies the souls of each person in different ways. I've been doing recovery for mostly the same reasons as I quote you above: to kick a habit that I know is destructive (but don't really want 100% to give up); to make my wife happy (primary reason); I used porno for pain avoidance, and it always worked pretty darn good (at least for a few minutes, or hours). I wouldn't know a life without emotional pain, so I don't know about pain-avoidance. But I was very close to seeking out a prostitute, and got scared that it had gone that far. I would quit for a few days, weeks, months, or even a couple of years. But two years ago (I'm 52) I felt absolutely out of control of the situation. I confessed to my pastor, but he didn't encourage me to tell my wife. One year later, I was as deep in as ever, and another minister insisted I should tell my wife. So, I did. I was sober 9 months, but had quit talking to my wife for a few months. Now, I'm sober another 2 months, talking every day. I'm a very determined person, so I'll knock the socks off an effort, but this addiction doesn't care much about determination, I've discovered.
But, two days ago, I finally figured out that doing it for my wife wasn't going to be enough, for the long term, although it's worked ok for 11 months. I still feel an attachment to my porno "lover", but I wrote "her" a breakup letter last night, which revealed things about myself and the addiction that I'd never realized before -- how I really had been unfaithful to my wife and our wedding vows, though I never ever thought about it that way before. I could see the logic of it when my wife expressed that she felt that way, but never felt it myself. And, two days ago, I looked at a picture we have up of Jesus hugging and comforting a man, and thought, "I wonder if He woud do that for me?" Something (I guess the holy spirit) said "get down on your knees and pray right now". So, I did. And I told Jesus, if you'll hug me like that man, I'll give up every sin I have, the best way I can, and let You have them. I felt that I finally yielded up my soul to Him, even if it was a weak effort. And, almost immediately, I felt like He was there, around and in me, filling me with reassurance, love, and peace. To tell the truth, I really didn't expect that. It felt like what you would imagine the "perfect friend" to be -- someone who is there for you, loving you, trying to teach you. Like a kind father. It seems like it's been lots of years since I remember having that feeling. I still have the addiction -- I feel it right now tugging at me. But I also feel Jesus' love around me. I just hope I can keep making this effort, weak as it is, every day. I hope I don't let the adversary blind my eyes again. My pride can be so strong, where I fear yielding. And maybe over time the strength of this new relationship and commitment will grow. I've fallen so many hundreds of times, that it's hard to believe I really can ever be free, but this feels like a start. I've thought quite a few times that maybe a heart attack or brain tumor or something would humble me, but truthfully I'm too wimpy to want it much. I guess nobody really "wants" a heart attack... duh... I've taken more strength from the posts on this site than I can explain, and appreciate it much. I pray for you all, and feel a connection to you. --- Gaylon V.
P.S. Preston, dude -- it's great to keep trying, but, my experience is, until I went through the pain of "telling all" to someone I love, I just could not make much headway. Best to you, though, and I'll pray for you. God will guide you to do what's best, as you look to Him. Good advice for me to follow, too, eh? ;-)
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Post by TimM on Nov 3, 2006 1:50:15 GMT -7
Gaylon,
Thanks for that story. I relate to an awful lot of it.
I think that doing things for ourselves instead of because we should do them for other people is hugely important. My wife had threatened me with divorce if I didn't stop, and this didn't suffice to make me quit. I just hid better. When I finally started to move forward was the point at which I said, I have to work recovery for myself regardless of the consequences. That will mean admitting to my wife that I'm still acting out and that I'm seeking counseling and that I'm attending 12-step meetings and that I'm sick. She may divorce me as a result. But if losing my wife and kids is the price I have to pay in order to stop acting out, then I still have to do that, because the pain of keeping going as I am is too great to bear any longer. If my history comes out and I have to move and find a new job or whatever, then I'll do that, too, but I can't keep on as I am.
I can't always keep that passionate commitment, though I try to keep telling this story so I can remember and refresh it. Reaching that point, though, is what "hitting bottom" means to me. Some of us need to do that more than once, but something really is different after an experience like that. A willingness to do absolutely anything does change one, or allow one to muster the courage to do what it takes to seek out the help one needs from God and from others to allow one to change.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2006 17:18:31 GMT -7
I failed... i went 11 days with out it and today i had the roughest day ive ever had at work. i wonder if i died right now would i go to heaven i asked forgiveness but all i feel is failure, there is no comfort from god just failure.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2006 1:10:47 GMT -7
Hi Preston
Satan is a liar. Our emotions lie. God's promises are trustworthy. You believe that Jesus died to pay for all sins confessed. 1 John 1:9 promises that if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. No particular sin is more or less forgiveable than another. God forgives sexual sin as completely as he does the "little white lie," anger, greed, jealousy, etc. I pray that God would break through Satan's guilt trip so you may feel, as well as have knowledge of, His peace and joy.
TruthSeeker
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Post by TimM on Nov 7, 2006 1:43:15 GMT -7
You didn't fail, preston. You succeeded for 11 days.
Can I tell you my experience after the first slip I had in recovery? I had gone about 3 months, and I had a sudden trip out of town for work. I wasn't ready for that, and being alone in a hotel is always a big trigger for me, and I acted out. At the point I was at in my recovery, I think this was just something that was going to happen.
But I got on the phone to my sponsor, and I went to some online meetings, and I tried to get through the next day, telling myself that I had not thrown away the past 3 months. I had been blessed in all kinds of ways over those 3 months, and a mistake now couldn't take away the reality of all those blessings.
When I got back to my room that evening, I prayed. I thanked God for everything He had given me for the 3 months of my recovery. I thanked Him, too, for the strange blessing of my addiction, which had enabled me in the end to trust Him at all. I admitted my failure and asked Him to be with me and to take my life and to help me to do His will, and to take charge over all the things in my life that were too strong for me and that were keeping me from being His servant.
Finally, I asked God what I could learn from the experience of the slip, what He was teaching me, and I waited.
What I felt was a huge conviction that Christ was saying to me, "You have more to give me. You need to give me more because I love you more. You haven't yet turned over to me everything you need to turn over, and trusted me in every way you can trust. And you need to do that because I'm not willing to leave you where you are now. I love you too much for that. You have more to turn over to me, because I love you more."
I had never had an experience quite like this. I spent most of the next hour crying, more than I had cried in years. Finally I had supper and spent the night in peace. The next day I went home.
So I am pretty sure that God loves us even when we fail, and that God is standing by us, waiting for us to learn, waiting for us to ask, waiting for us to turn to Him.
Be well, Preston.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2006 13:23:43 GMT -7
Truthseeker and Tim M, thanks so much for those replies. I'm 35 years older than Preston, but experience the same feelings when I slip. I realize that it's Satan's device to keep us down, but still feel buffeted by the adversary when I slip (two days in 11 months), to the point of wanting to die. I recently felt a taste of the love of Jesus, though, so I know what to do; just getting myself to do it is the thing to master...
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