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Oct 17, 2006 23:37:56 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2006 23:37:56 GMT -7
Good Morning all! I just wanted to say hello, and introduce myself. My husband and i have been dealing with his porn habbit for about 8 years. It wasn't until i gave him an ultimatum porn or me... that he even listened to me. The finding of porn mags, videos, dvd's, and of course the watching of it on tv. I feel guilty for giving him an ultimatum, but i can't live with the constant hurt and pain any longer. He told me that he will prove to me that I am more important than the porn, but it this just the begining of more lies, and better spots to hide them in? How do you get the trust back? he not only is into porn, but at one point he was getting phone numbers of girls, and talking with them... thank god it never went further... it went far enough. I have read several posts, and know i am not alone. I am not sure if he is a true porn addict, or what. But i know that it has effected our marriage in a terrible way, and that has to say something. Thanks for listening, and i look foward to getting to know you all better. This has been a very helpful site already. Thank you!
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Oct 18, 2006 9:30:30 GMT -7
Post by Steve on Oct 18, 2006 9:30:30 GMT -7
Triplel, welcome to the forum. I see you have already posted on the "Wives Forum" and I trust you will enjoy quite a bit of support and understanding there!
With regards to your husband, I read that he has at least given you some words that he is working towards change, but I am curious:
Has he shown any significant behavior changes to back up his words?
(Is he seeing a counselor? Going to a group? Has his attitude or habits changed? Any noticeable spiritual growth?)
-Steve
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Oct 18, 2006 23:21:34 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2006 23:21:34 GMT -7
Thanks for your reply Steve, it is greatly appreciated. In regaurds to my husband, he threw out all his porn, so i guess you can call that a behavior change. He also told me to put a block on the tv's. I kinda get the feeling that he is making a mockery of the situation at times. but then at other times he seems remoreseful... He told me that he would go to counsling if i wanted him to, but i think he has to want to go for it to work. Not only that, but he doesn't think he has a problem. He says he just likes it. We also have no insurance right now, and money is tight. he is however going to the dr next week to adjust his antidepressants... as for spiritual growth, there is none. I actually am trying to look into the church up the road for several reasons, and he will not go with me and the kids, I already asked. I don't know... one day at a time. Thank you again for your reply it is great support for me here, and i am greatful. I have felt so alone for so many years.
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Oct 19, 2006 4:40:02 GMT -7
Post by TimM on Oct 19, 2006 4:40:02 GMT -7
Triplel,
Welcome!
Following up Steve's question, I guess I find it worrying that your reply contains what feel like a lot of excuses from him. It's not really a problem. He will seek out counseling, but only if you make the decision for him to do it and to spend money you don't have in order to treat a problem he doesn't think he has. He'll ask for a block on the TV, again making it your job to keep him sober. You're here; is he? All this sounds like an attempt to find a safe way to look willing to change without being willing to change.
I hope this doesn't sound too hard - I and many other addicts have spent very long periods of time in a state just like that, often without being self-aware enough to understand what we were really saying. He may not (or he may) be consciously scamming you.
If he is serious about recovery, though, there are lots of resources. Counselors sometimes offer rates based on ability to pay. If you live in or near an urban area in North America, or in a major city elsewhere, then there are almost certainly 12-step meetings of SA, SAA, SLAA, or SCA nearby, which won't cost anything. These fellowships also have online meetings if you live someplace more remote. Churches often offer support groups for addicts. There are online fora like this one that offer some level of support and accountability. Nearly every community has open AA meetings that one can attend saying vaguely, "I'm Tim, and I'm an addict." That church up the road offers fellowship and support and doesn't charge anything. I've done (and needed to do) pretty much all those things.
Of course it's scary to start calling counselors, to walk into an S fellowship meeting, even to attend meetings online. It's scary to open up to other people. For me it was really terrifying to start looking inside myself, wondering what I would find that I had been hiding from all my life. If he's afraid (and probably masking that even to himself by indifference or by anger), I totally understand.
I still hope he can reach the point of realizing that if he is like most of us, he can't just tough his way out on his own, and of realizing how very much support and understanding and love is available once he gets desperate enough to reach out for it. A whole new life is really possible, but he has to want it desperately for himself.
Just my opinion, of course, based on nothing but a lot of sad experience.
In any case, welcome again. I hope you find the support and care you need for yourself.
Tim M.
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Oct 19, 2006 6:12:21 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2006 6:12:21 GMT -7
Tim, Thank you for your response. I am coming to light on all of this i have felt so alone for so many years. Then of course i have wondered if i was crazy at times too. i am so fortunate to have found this site. I no longer feel alone. yes, my husband is full of excuses. The best one i think is that he views it because it is his way of learning ... different positions etc. He told me our entire sex life was created from porn. That was kinda hard to hear. Then of course the mind starts going crazy.... I think that you are correct about my husband just trying to look like he is willing to change but not really willing to change. I feel like he is just making a mockery of the situation. He feels he has no problem. So there for no he hasn't been to this forum. he isn't really a computer person. I am here because i found this site, and began to read all the stories, and realized that i wasn't alone. I am here because i want to get help. And, this seems like a good start. You are not being too hard on me, because like i said i have felt so alone with this situation that it is refreshing to have others around who understand. I am probably being scammed by him, but i am already aware of that possibility. I grew up with alcoholics, and attended ala-teen for many years. I actually just dug out my old book, and began reading it again. My husband made a comment about it, and i don't think he likes me reading it. Oh well! I don't think that my husband is serious in his recovery because you see, he doesn't have a problem. he just likes it. So you see i am still in the real early stages of this process. Denial..... but i love him and will stand by him. He probably wouldn't go to any meetings, because, again he has no problem. Counciling he did agree to though. I am so confused at times with him. I have a hard time getting him to communicate. usually when he does, it is irrational about this topic. He thinks because he apologized, and promised to not do it again that it is a done deal. No further conversation is neccesary. So, i am just trying to live one day at a time. Thank you again for the response. I enjoyed your support, and kind words. Also thanks for the warm welcome.
Triplel
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Oct 19, 2006 9:14:35 GMT -7
Post by TimM on Oct 19, 2006 9:14:35 GMT -7
Triplel,
Just a brief note complimenting you on your analysis of the situation, and on how you're handling it. Bringing out the ala-teen material seems to me to be a great idea. Probably more than half the people in my SAA/SLAA meetings are also alcoholics, and it seems to me that what helps in dealing with one sort of addiction or one sort of addict helps with another.
The S fellowships also have meetings for partners, but they are certainly not as widespread as alanon is. You could look around and see what's available where you are, if that seems useful. Given your history, you could also presumably attend alanon meetings, which would be easier to find.
Good job looking after you, in any case.
Tim M.
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Oct 19, 2006 10:07:47 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2006 10:07:47 GMT -7
Thank you for your kind words. That is nice to hear from someone that i am trying to approach this situation in a good way. From what i've said, and your experience, do you think that there is a case of denial? What should i do for my husband? Any suggestions? When ever the subject comes up, he immediatly shuts down, and gets angry. I don't know how to help him, and maybe that is the problem for me.... it is so frustrating. But, i guess that is why i am trying to get help because i want to heal from this situation. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I will just take it one day at a time.... i live by that and the serenity prayer, Always have. Again, Tim thank you.
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Oct 19, 2006 15:45:00 GMT -7
Post by TimM on Oct 19, 2006 15:45:00 GMT -7
Is it denial? Well, you know, I'm always just slightly reluctant to offer a diagnosis when I am not a professional and when I haven't actually ever met the patient but have only heard about them from someone else. In that situation, my opinion isn't worth the paper it's written on, and on the net, it isn't even written on paper.
Now that that's out of the way and it's clear my opinion is worthless, of course it sounds like denial. People who accept that they have a problem and are trying to fix relationships don't need to get angry, and try not to shut down. When I've been angry and evasive - which I have been a lot - it has been because I had something to hide, both from my wife and from myself. So those things are big red flags for me. Minimizing the seriousness of his behavior and setting things up so you are responsible for blocking his Internet use and for initiating his counseling feels to me both like it's setting up a power dynamic in which he thinks you will back down. It also seems like it's establishing a game between the two of you where it's your job to keep him sober and his job to see if he can get around your restrictions, which has already said he thinks are unnecessary and unreasonable. I don't see a giant commitment to recovery there. I see a desire to look like he's serious but to have set up the framework so he knows he won't really have to change.
Again, though, getting psychological advice from mathematicians is probably not the best way to go.
Do I have a suggestion as to how you can help him? No, not really. I'm the addict, not the partner. My sense is that there is very little that can be done to help addicts until we independently hit bottom and realize that our situation is desperate. Some spouses seem to find that establishing and enforcing boundaries that result in separations or the like induces their partners to get serious about recovery; others don't. Everything you learned in Alateen applies here. You can work to keep yourself safe and sane and serene, but you don't have power over your addict.
I'll quit, though, because this isn't my side of the road. You'll get clearer feedback from other partners, either here or on other boards (http://www.no-porn.com has a large and active group of partners) or through fellowships like S-Anon, COSA, COSLAA, or Alanon. I have no experience with the agonizingly hard task of loving someone like me.
Best wishes again,
Tim M.
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Oct 19, 2006 22:43:12 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2006 22:43:12 GMT -7
Hi Tim,
Thank you for your response. You have been very helpful to me. I Do value your opinions because you have been there. And, i actually agree with what you have said. And, i think you are right that there is nothing i can do to help him, until he wants to change. I know i have no power of the addict, and that he needs to want the help himself. I don't know what will happen, but i will continue to take it one day at a time. Thankyou again for your opinion, it has been very helpful.
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