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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2006 8:18:39 GMT -7
New; need accountability, but don't see one for women. I am currently in a Freedom Group, but find it extremely difficult to relate to women in person. I'm finding the recovery process very difficult, emotionally. Right now feeling stuck between wanting recovery and not wanting recovery. I'm angry alot. Struggling with feeling controlled, confused and extremely vulnerable. Seems harder now NOT to act out, where I didn't really act out before recovery. I'm actually grieving the idea of having to give up men other than my h. ---anyone relate?
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Post by Steve on Aug 24, 2006 9:22:15 GMT -7
New; need accountability, but don't see one for women. I am currently in a Freedom Group, but find it extremely difficult to relate to women in person. I'm finding the recovery process very difficult, emotionally. Right now feeling stuck between wanting recovery and not wanting recovery. I'm angry alot. Struggling with feeling controlled, confused and extremely vulnerable. Seems harder now NOT to act out, where I didn't really act out before recovery. I'm actually grieving the idea of having to give up men other than my h. ---anyone relate? Well, welcome to the hard but rewarding and freeing journey of recovery. You're at the beginning and I can really relate to a lot of what you said. Indeed, I remember those days of being in the "double bind" of my addiction; It really did feel like I was "damned if I did and damned if I didn't." I struggled with letting go of my addiction and having a sense of mourning and "missing" my addiction. Recovery is indeed a very tough endeavor, and personally, I consider my own recovery to be one of the toughest things I have ever taken on in my life. As you continue on your journey, I can assure you more and more pain, grief and "issues" are going to come to the surface. See, as we let go of our "security blank" (i.e. our drug), we relinquish our #1 means to avoid/cope with our pain. In that light, it would only be expected that things would seem to get worse in the beginning of our recovery. I have two questions that I have piqued my interest. Feel free to share as you feel comfortable: 1) Can you elaborate more about your difficulties with relating to the women in your freedom group in person?And secondly, 2) How do are these difficulties connected to the deeper issues that drove you to your addiction? Put another way, how is this related to your pain, hurt and anger?
Oh and welcome to the forum! -Steve
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2006 9:55:01 GMT -7
Hello Mj9 and welcome,
While I'm on the other side of the addiction--my husband was the addict, I can say that this group is wonderful. You'll find this is a safe place for you. I'll be praying for you that God will make it easier for you to relate in your face-to-face group as well. God loves you and he'll help you get to the place he wants you to be.
Just me
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2006 10:59:07 GMT -7
Thanks, Steve & JustMe... to answer your questions ...Relating to women... I was married at 16, and have never really had a friendship with a woman since... I've just been a wife and mom. So I guess I feel retarded in that sense. I can barely hold a conversation. That makes it difficult to connect. How does that relate to my current issues? I can only guess. Maybe it has to do with not getting a chance to really grow up within myself, or ever become someone within my own being. And I know I do still harbor anger toward my husband for this. (I know I'm responsible for my behavior. However, he was 20 at the time, and in my eyes, an adult). While he seems to have been able to "settle down", I feel that I never really have inside my heart and mind. Add to that an "absent" and emotionally neglectful father, and a difficult mother, who seems to think I'm lucky to even "have a husband" (clearly revealing what she thinks of me) and I guess somewhere in there, I guess I developed a kind of disrespect for women and a deep desire to be noticed and valued by men. I have always longed for men, even when I've hated them. Strange and sad thing is, that desire for acceptance doesn't seem to include my husband to that same degree. I care for him; he's one reason I'm doing this recovery thing. But as much as he affirms me, it doesn't seem to be enough. I just feel this need for men, and it is strong and very real. Frankly, it scares me.
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Post by Steve on Aug 24, 2006 11:36:42 GMT -7
Mj9, I really appreciate your reflections. It sounds like you already have quite a bit of insight into some of the deeper issues as it relates to your addiction. Your disclosure and honesty about how your family has influenced who you are today is commendable as well. See, here's what I think: I think groups are extremely important for all the good reasons that surely you are experiencing in that freedom group. However, I ALSO think it would be wise to find at least one person - a mentor, and older and wiser friend, or a counselor - whom you can meet with on a weekly basis and really delve into these "hurt and pain" issues you mentioned. As your "stuff" bubbles to the top, you're probably going to need someone who can help guide you through the process of receiving the healing God's want for you. I see you're in Colorado Springs (where I formerly used to practice). I have quite a few contacts and know of a really darn good female counselor who specializes in women's issues. She's an amazingly gifted woman and professional, in my opinion, and I recommend her. Shoot me an e-mail if you're want that contact. (Sorry, I'm a counselor - I tend to push people to seek counseling) -Steve
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2006 12:07:46 GMT -7
Not sure why, but your email link dn work. I am seeing a lady at wings of grace, but she's kind of flaky, and keeps stating the obvious. I do need someone to get down to the nitty-gritty. Any recommendations are appreciated. Also, thanks for taking time to help me out today.
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Post by Steve on Aug 24, 2006 13:40:58 GMT -7
FYI - I sent you a reply PM to your Blazing Grace username with Char's contact info. Regarding your current counselor, I will merely say one thing: It is extremely important that you find a counselor whom you feel comfortable with ... who you think is a "fit" with your personality and communication style. Don't settle. Keep looking until you find the right one! (And don't worry about "hurting the feelings" of your therapist if you move on. If he/she is a good one, that therapist will understand how important this matter is and encourage you to find a "better fit.") -Steve
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2006 1:14:23 GMT -7
Hi MJ9,
I, too, am a wife here, not having experienced where you are, but I hope you might find my perspective helpful.
I, of course, do not know your mother, so what you heard may be exactly what she meant. I would like to try and shift the image. It is, in no way, that YOU are lucky to have a husband, as you are a special and unique creation of God and He desires the best for your life. Therefore, there is nothing whatsoever about you that would make you undeserving of a loving husband, which, from what you have said, (if I'm reading correctly,) you have. Where you are fortunate, blessed, is in having a husband who loves and affirms you. There are countless women on the planet who would give much for a man who would truly love them. I have seen what many of my friends have been through, and while we have had our struggles, I would not trade my husband for anyone on earth.
The busyness of life and other things had left our relationship somewhat stagnant, but I prayed that God would give me a renewed desire for my husband, and He did!
I am praying for you. I pray that God will also give you a renewed desire for your husband. I pray that He will help you to forgive those who have hurt or disappointed you, especially your husband. I pray that, as much as it is possible for any of us, that God will strengthen your home and marriage in such a way that your children will not carry pain in to adulthood such as you have endured. Finally, I pray that God will fill you with a desire for Him and His word, which is the only thing that can satisfy restlessness and fill emptiness.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Steve on Aug 25, 2006 5:56:55 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2006 6:17:27 GMT -7
Truth seeker, Thanks for your prayers. Always a good thing, and much appreciated. Actually, things are finally turning around for us after years of heck. He is getting back on track with the Lord, which was a primary issue, and much improvement has followed. Just hoping I'm not too far gone to apprecitate it and participate in a healthy marriage. Thanks again ~m...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2006 6:19:47 GMT -7
Steve, thanks much for the site and the advice. Not sure what's up with the pm function; whether or not those went through, but I know I can't access them for myself; keeps timing out. God bless. ~m
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Post by Steve on Aug 25, 2006 12:20:44 GMT -7
You're welcome.
May I also ask: Are you working through Doug's 101 freedom exercises in your freedom group? I've found that workbook to be very helpful in many ways with staying clean, growing spiritually and all that.
-Steve
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2006 15:01:35 GMT -7
Steve, Yes, there are two books I am working on in the group. One is "Secret Solutions" and the other is "Steps to Freedom." I'm in the first one right now. Don't know what comes after these two. It doesn't help that men meet the same night the women do, but they do stagger the meetings. Just another challenge for the mind, I guess. This has added to my confusion about the mental/emotional side of it, as I figured once I started the recovery, the addiction would just get progressively better from there, rather than worse first and better later. I appreciate the advice and the info on your site, which explains more about the Double Bind theory. Very helpful. Thanks & God bless. ~m
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2006 18:11:00 GMT -7
mj9,
Prayed for you as well! Sounds like you're getting the best possible support and advice there is as you recover! I admire you for taking these steps towards health and freedom and want you to know, there are many women struggling as you have, who will benefit greatly from your questions and transparent sharing! Honestly, it seems to me you have more to offer to your Freedom group than you realize! Do you ever feel it's fear keeping you from sharing and interacting more? You really do have a lot to offer! I'll pray specifically for you about this and for your marriage as well!!
With care, Captivated
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Post by Steve on Aug 27, 2006 16:11:28 GMT -7
Ah yes, the double bind. I don't miss those tumultuous days. :shock: www.journeyofhopecounseling.com/double-bind-of-sexual-addiction.htmThe good news is, if you can stick it out for about 90 days, it typically gets much easier after that hump. That's why it's so important to be really connected and accountable in as many groups as possible in the beginning, IMO. Feel free to give updates as you desire. All the best, steve
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