Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2006 6:13:03 GMT -7
Just wanted to first say hello to everyone. Thank you for your willingness to share your experiences.
I guess I will start out with my story. I will try to be as brief as possible, so please bear with me.
Over the past seven years or so, there have been a few occasions where I would find clues that DH had been viewing porn on the computer. In my opinion, they were undeniable facts. He of course would deny it. I guess, wanting to believe the best in my DH, I would just put it to the back of my mind.
For the last two years, it has been so very obvious that something has been wrong in our marriage. He would come home from work, and go right down to his computer. He barely spoke to the children or I. He would literally spend the whole night on his computer until about two or three in the morning.
The children and I would beg him to spend time with us. We tried having game night, family devotions time, going to the park etc etc. It didn't matter, he seemed to just view all of us as more of an annoyance than anything else. He stopped going to church, he was just this person that worked to pay the bills and that was about it. He was angry if we dared to bother him. We all basically walked on egg shells around him.
I could sense something was wrong, so I prayed fervently for two years. I prayed that if there was something that needed to be brought into the light, that the Lord would do so. I prayed that he would protect my DH and keep him safe on the computer. Let me say, the Lord answered my prayer. Slowly at first, but then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I was a double-minded fool though. I prayed for the Lord to expose everything, and then I was angry at God for allowing this to happen.
Here is how it was all exposed. Last July I was eight months pregnant with our fifth child. I was doing some cleaning up around the house. I came across some clothing stuffed way in the back of my DH's desk. It was obviously used to clean him self up. I asked him about it, he denied it. I didn't believe him, but was unable or unwilling to battle because of the timing of my pregnancy.
The night before I was to go have my six week post-partum check up, my fifteen year old daughter informs me that she needs to tell me something about DH. She tells me that he has been receiving email from a former girlfriend. She didn't know any details, like how long, or who it was etc etc. Needless to say, I was shattered. I asked her how she knew. She told me that DH told her about the emails. I didn't say a word. I waited until the next day to get on his computer. Wrong, he changed his password. So , I tried for two days to get on his computer. I was not successful. I did find more clothing with the evidence of his porn viewing on it stuffed behind his books on his book shelf. I know that some may say that I was violating his privacy but, keep in mind, he denies everything, so I felt I needed to find the proof.
I took what little evidence I had and approached him with it. He was angry. He admitted to the emails, but denied the masturbation and viewing of porn.
I asked him why he didn't tell me about the former girl friend, I asked him why he told our daughter, I asked him why his password was changed, when I had always had access before. He said that he had nothing to hide, and that I could look at the computer anytime I want. He said that he knew I would freak out about his ex. I told him then why did he not have a problem telling me of another incident where a former girlfriend emailed him some years ago? He said that he told our daughter because he felt he needed to confess to someone because he felt guilty. I was so angry at him for putting her in a position like that. He agreed, he shouldn't have. I pressed him on his secrecy over the email. He then confessed that she has been sending him naked pics of her self off and on for two years now. That is why he didn't tell me. I told him that if he didn't have any thing to hide, he should have felt no guilt. If it was not he who seek ed her out, then why did he need to hide it from me. He swears he didn't seek her out, he swears that he doesn't remember her name, and he swears that he has never written to her. I do not believe him for a minute. I don't see a person corresponding for two years with no response back.
A few days later, he changed his password back to the one I knew, and told me to search away. Notice I said a few days later? He needed that time to clean up his history. He is very good at computers and will always be ten steps ahead of me. But, he obviously forgot about a few things. It took me a few days of searching, but I found what I was looking for. He had a folder of her pics and email in it. He had of course deleted it, so I still don't know who she is. I found all of the porn sites that he was subscribed to on MSN through a secret email account, I found all of the newsgroups he was receiving through comcast through another secret email account.
I wish now that I hadn't found what he had been looking at, because I can not get the images out of my head. I wish now that I had not read what he had posted in the groups at MSN. I wish I didn't find the movies he had down loaded. I can not get past this.
I went to him with the evidence. He finally after all of these years admitted it to me. Still denies the masturbation part. I of course wanted answers. Like why, how long, did you have an affair etc etc.
He at first said that he didn't know why. He told me it was because I became dis-interested in him. He felt that he couldn't get the emotional support he needed from me, so that was a way for him to get an emotional need met since he couldn't go out an have an emotional relationship with another woman. Then he went back to he didn't know why. He said that he had been viewing for the last eight or nine months. Swears he didn't have an affair.
Yet a month after all of this came into the light, I find six text messages on our cell phone bill that were number unavailable. These msgs happened at midnight the night my daughter told me about the former girlfriend. They all happened in a span of six minutes. He of course doesn't remember them.
Another thing that is strange is that he used to get mileage checks from work. They come on a separate check. He used to get them monthly, since last July, I have only seen one of these checks. I know that he could cash it at one of those check cashing places, and I would be none the wiser. Maybe I am being paranoid?
I am about done, I promise.
Since all of this happened ten months ago, these are the steps that have been taken. We have put monitoring software on all of the computers, we have both taken the setting captives free courses(yet he didn't finish the last three days which included his testimony), we are in Christian counseling. We were in couples counseling up until this last week. The counselor decided that we can not go further together until we move past some issues of ours. There have been some very big fights since all of this came out, some of it has been physical and verbal abuse. The counselor feels that we need to see separate counselors for awhile, and then come back to couples counseling.
Here is where my problem is. My DH doesn't feel he is addicted or has a need to find out the source of his viewing porn. He thinks that he has it beat and will never view it again. He feels that he can go this alone. I have asked him to get an accountability partner. His excuse is he doesn't know who to go to, he doesn't want to "bother" anyone with it. We don't have many friends. Our pastor knows about it, but he is either to pre-occupied with other things, or he doesn't really care it seems. He has only talked through email with DH. This was only about three times and it was about nine months ago. His answer, pray about it. Yes, I know prayer is needed and important. But, I feel that there has to be more to it than this.
We have some friends who's husband struggles with the same thing. He has been trying to correspond with DH. He doesn't sugar coat it at all. He tries to get through to DH, but DH is still in denial I think. He thinks he has everyone fooled, yet we all see through him. He still lies about things, not just the extent of his porn issues, but everything it seems.
My questions are these. Am I being unreasonable about all of this? I am trying to give him forgiveness, the kind that the Lord gives us. Trust is a whole other issue. I find that I don't trust him in anything. I feel he is lying about everything. Will I ever be rid of the images burned in my memory? Will I ever be able to be intimate with him again and not wonder just who it is he is thinking about? Will I ever be able to have some self worth and self esteem again? I know in my mind that his porno problem is his, but in my heart I feel those usual feelings-I'm too fat, too ugly, if I had been a better wife, I can never compare to those women who are half my age and have not had five children who now have stretch marks etc etc. Am I being to un-realistic in my expectations of him? Is he in denial about his problem? Does the trust ever come back, even when they are still being deceitful about things?
I could really use some insight. I can not stand this feeling of impending doom. I feel that there is still much to this story that is yet to come into the light.
Thank you for reading my long story. I am sorry that it sounds crazy,the typo's, and the mis-spelled words.
Thanks, AvsFan
I guess I will start out with my story. I will try to be as brief as possible, so please bear with me.
Over the past seven years or so, there have been a few occasions where I would find clues that DH had been viewing porn on the computer. In my opinion, they were undeniable facts. He of course would deny it. I guess, wanting to believe the best in my DH, I would just put it to the back of my mind.
For the last two years, it has been so very obvious that something has been wrong in our marriage. He would come home from work, and go right down to his computer. He barely spoke to the children or I. He would literally spend the whole night on his computer until about two or three in the morning.
The children and I would beg him to spend time with us. We tried having game night, family devotions time, going to the park etc etc. It didn't matter, he seemed to just view all of us as more of an annoyance than anything else. He stopped going to church, he was just this person that worked to pay the bills and that was about it. He was angry if we dared to bother him. We all basically walked on egg shells around him.
I could sense something was wrong, so I prayed fervently for two years. I prayed that if there was something that needed to be brought into the light, that the Lord would do so. I prayed that he would protect my DH and keep him safe on the computer. Let me say, the Lord answered my prayer. Slowly at first, but then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I was a double-minded fool though. I prayed for the Lord to expose everything, and then I was angry at God for allowing this to happen.
Here is how it was all exposed. Last July I was eight months pregnant with our fifth child. I was doing some cleaning up around the house. I came across some clothing stuffed way in the back of my DH's desk. It was obviously used to clean him self up. I asked him about it, he denied it. I didn't believe him, but was unable or unwilling to battle because of the timing of my pregnancy.
The night before I was to go have my six week post-partum check up, my fifteen year old daughter informs me that she needs to tell me something about DH. She tells me that he has been receiving email from a former girlfriend. She didn't know any details, like how long, or who it was etc etc. Needless to say, I was shattered. I asked her how she knew. She told me that DH told her about the emails. I didn't say a word. I waited until the next day to get on his computer. Wrong, he changed his password. So , I tried for two days to get on his computer. I was not successful. I did find more clothing with the evidence of his porn viewing on it stuffed behind his books on his book shelf. I know that some may say that I was violating his privacy but, keep in mind, he denies everything, so I felt I needed to find the proof.
I took what little evidence I had and approached him with it. He was angry. He admitted to the emails, but denied the masturbation and viewing of porn.
I asked him why he didn't tell me about the former girl friend, I asked him why he told our daughter, I asked him why his password was changed, when I had always had access before. He said that he had nothing to hide, and that I could look at the computer anytime I want. He said that he knew I would freak out about his ex. I told him then why did he not have a problem telling me of another incident where a former girlfriend emailed him some years ago? He said that he told our daughter because he felt he needed to confess to someone because he felt guilty. I was so angry at him for putting her in a position like that. He agreed, he shouldn't have. I pressed him on his secrecy over the email. He then confessed that she has been sending him naked pics of her self off and on for two years now. That is why he didn't tell me. I told him that if he didn't have any thing to hide, he should have felt no guilt. If it was not he who seek ed her out, then why did he need to hide it from me. He swears he didn't seek her out, he swears that he doesn't remember her name, and he swears that he has never written to her. I do not believe him for a minute. I don't see a person corresponding for two years with no response back.
A few days later, he changed his password back to the one I knew, and told me to search away. Notice I said a few days later? He needed that time to clean up his history. He is very good at computers and will always be ten steps ahead of me. But, he obviously forgot about a few things. It took me a few days of searching, but I found what I was looking for. He had a folder of her pics and email in it. He had of course deleted it, so I still don't know who she is. I found all of the porn sites that he was subscribed to on MSN through a secret email account, I found all of the newsgroups he was receiving through comcast through another secret email account.
I wish now that I hadn't found what he had been looking at, because I can not get the images out of my head. I wish now that I had not read what he had posted in the groups at MSN. I wish I didn't find the movies he had down loaded. I can not get past this.
I went to him with the evidence. He finally after all of these years admitted it to me. Still denies the masturbation part. I of course wanted answers. Like why, how long, did you have an affair etc etc.
He at first said that he didn't know why. He told me it was because I became dis-interested in him. He felt that he couldn't get the emotional support he needed from me, so that was a way for him to get an emotional need met since he couldn't go out an have an emotional relationship with another woman. Then he went back to he didn't know why. He said that he had been viewing for the last eight or nine months. Swears he didn't have an affair.
Yet a month after all of this came into the light, I find six text messages on our cell phone bill that were number unavailable. These msgs happened at midnight the night my daughter told me about the former girlfriend. They all happened in a span of six minutes. He of course doesn't remember them.
Another thing that is strange is that he used to get mileage checks from work. They come on a separate check. He used to get them monthly, since last July, I have only seen one of these checks. I know that he could cash it at one of those check cashing places, and I would be none the wiser. Maybe I am being paranoid?
I am about done, I promise.
Since all of this happened ten months ago, these are the steps that have been taken. We have put monitoring software on all of the computers, we have both taken the setting captives free courses(yet he didn't finish the last three days which included his testimony), we are in Christian counseling. We were in couples counseling up until this last week. The counselor decided that we can not go further together until we move past some issues of ours. There have been some very big fights since all of this came out, some of it has been physical and verbal abuse. The counselor feels that we need to see separate counselors for awhile, and then come back to couples counseling.
Here is where my problem is. My DH doesn't feel he is addicted or has a need to find out the source of his viewing porn. He thinks that he has it beat and will never view it again. He feels that he can go this alone. I have asked him to get an accountability partner. His excuse is he doesn't know who to go to, he doesn't want to "bother" anyone with it. We don't have many friends. Our pastor knows about it, but he is either to pre-occupied with other things, or he doesn't really care it seems. He has only talked through email with DH. This was only about three times and it was about nine months ago. His answer, pray about it. Yes, I know prayer is needed and important. But, I feel that there has to be more to it than this.
We have some friends who's husband struggles with the same thing. He has been trying to correspond with DH. He doesn't sugar coat it at all. He tries to get through to DH, but DH is still in denial I think. He thinks he has everyone fooled, yet we all see through him. He still lies about things, not just the extent of his porn issues, but everything it seems.
My questions are these. Am I being unreasonable about all of this? I am trying to give him forgiveness, the kind that the Lord gives us. Trust is a whole other issue. I find that I don't trust him in anything. I feel he is lying about everything. Will I ever be rid of the images burned in my memory? Will I ever be able to be intimate with him again and not wonder just who it is he is thinking about? Will I ever be able to have some self worth and self esteem again? I know in my mind that his porno problem is his, but in my heart I feel those usual feelings-I'm too fat, too ugly, if I had been a better wife, I can never compare to those women who are half my age and have not had five children who now have stretch marks etc etc. Am I being to un-realistic in my expectations of him? Is he in denial about his problem? Does the trust ever come back, even when they are still being deceitful about things?
I could really use some insight. I can not stand this feeling of impending doom. I feel that there is still much to this story that is yet to come into the light.
Thank you for reading my long story. I am sorry that it sounds crazy,the typo's, and the mis-spelled words.
Thanks, AvsFan