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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2005 0:57:33 GMT -7
Hello to all, I'm new at this and am at a loss for words. I've never been in a chat room or discussed my feelings on line to people I don't know and have never seen. So please forgive me if I mess up. I'm 42 and have been married for 17 years and we have one son 14. My husband and I seperated for a year about two years ago because of porn. We went to counceling (Christian) and have been working our way back. My husband seems to be doing well in staying off porn on net?  I guess I can never be sure. My biggest problem now is our son. He saw his dad on internet porn and thought it to be cool. That was about five years ago and at 14 he has lost control! My husband has put on blockers but where there's a will there's a way. I went outside yesterday (we live on a farm) and when I came in, I had two chainsaws and a sharpener in my hands so I did not close the door quietly I put the chainsaws down in the t.v. room and came into the living room where the comp. is and saw my son on hard core porn and touching himself. He was so "into it" he did not hear anything. We have tried everything from taking away privliges to blocking comp. everything you hear and see in media. I've taken him to our pastor who spent two to three minutes with him? I don't get it. Embarresment??? We have this kid in Privet school and tuition is steep, income is low. At $100 a visit we just can't afford to get him into counceling. I'm going outside my comfort zone and try this. Is there anyone out there Who can explain to me the mind set of a 14 Y.O. and how I can help him break the grip of satan? I've tried loving it out of him, praying over him, yelling, Videos, books (Everyyoung mans Battle) I don't know of a group for 14Y. O. in my area that help with this problem. What else can I do? Thanks in advance! Teammom
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2005 2:02:16 GMT -7
Hey, Im Sorren.
I was thinking of some ideas that might work.
1. encorage him to date. ( not get laid) Social interaction is very diffrent from porn.
2. Porn is like a drug, hes going to have withdrawals (sp?) and at this age he is aroused often. Try to open communication with him so he will talk to you when he feels like he needs to look at porn or masterbate.. This way you can spiritualy guide him with prayer and something else to do.
3. Have his father sit down with you and him, discuss why showing him porn at such a young age was wrong, and what will be done to break the habbit.
4. Kill MTV, BET, and VH1.. it dose nothing but glorify sex, money... and party girls.
5. Parent 101, know what his friends think of porn and what the social perspective is about it, you may have to redirect your son to a diffrent peer group.
6. Cry. yup, that right.. I hated it when i caused my mother to cry out of frustration. He will be good for a while after that but thereafter if you catch him again, the disapointment you express will be like that thumb stuff they stick on babys hands to get them to stop sucking.
7. Structure family time... like hourly if you have to.
Finally if he gets subversive, hideing things, Getting up late at night and so on... you may have to get some shrink.. though i think faimily is much better suited.
Just remember porn is like a drug.. At frist a nude girl is arouseing, then your looking at her have sex, then shes with 2 or more guys or girls, then it gose to role playing, bondage and dommination , and it only gets more and more perverse from there.. I deal with it everyday, working against my body.
And thats the hard part.. you have to get your son to want to stay away from porn. Because if its just you and his dad playing enforcer eventually it will become a point of rebelion and everyone grows up at some time.
I hope gave you some ideas.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2005 21:51:04 GMT -7
Hay Sorren, thanks for your thoughts! He does have a girlfriend and she lives an hour away. We do try to get the kids together at least once a month (movies horseback riding...) maybe more than once a month? how would I like to see my boyfriend once a month? 2. Never thought about it like that... a drug, is it something that you think about and have time to throw it to someone or is it a spontainious responce? 3. Dad is going to talk to him, he's out ot town a lot, but he wants to discuss this with him. Dad did not mean to let son see but when comp. is in a heavily used room Dad did not have much privicy either, I'm sure son seeing it was an accident. He would always minimize it when we came into the room, but your gonna get caught and hurt someone. 4. We do not have MTV.... We did sub. to Angel One Net. and Son LOVES "The U" (Christian Rock Video Station 24/7) 5. He begs me to not tell anyone, dosen't want friends to think he's a "perv". 6. Cry, done it. When I have caught him he always lowers his head in utter shame, I'm quite sure he's not proud of this addiction. 7. Family time!!! we could all use more of that. Dad is gone most of the time (work). We live on a farm and lots of chores to do. I should spend more time in prayer with him, we drive fourty min. (one way)to school each day and we get lots of talk time. We do give him time to "hang" with a friend, around here. Friend seems good, I know parents, they are more liberal, they have MTV in their sons room. Thanks S. you gave me thoughts to ponder. teammom
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2005 13:22:01 GMT -7
Hi Teammom,
I think You might be attacking this in the wrong way, as You have a war on multiple fronts. I am brand new here (and NOT New to this addiction at all), and registered just to be able to reply to You. I've been where Your son is, however I beleive Your problems are far bigger than just him. It sounds to me like Your husband is STILL an addict. He just does it "on the road" instead of at home. IF he was truly recovering...You TWO (BOTH of You) would have a Godly marriage, he would be in love with You like never before, he wouldn't be "on the road"(regardless of his EMPLOYMENT, to recover from this disease DRASTIC alterations have to be made in one's lifestyle to recover from it, INCLUDING whatever it takes to RESTORE one's marriage.
If Your husband isn't HOME every night, wanting to be with YOU and ONLY YOU, what kind of an example is he for Your Son...and You? And himself? I don't CARE what his "job" is, he can get a DIFFERENT job, especially if his MARRIAGE and his son ARE in fact important to him, he'd make that sacrifice in a SECOND.
If not, then well, You have some decisions to make don't You?
1-Lose the computer, disconnect it from the internet, password protect it, do whatever You feel necessary to regain control of the situation.
2-Lose the TV, there's nothing worthwhile on it except for the weather channel and fox news anyway.
3-No girlfriends, unless of course You want to be as guilty of facilitating RAPE, as Your Husband was of Child Abuse. Pornography promotes demeaning women to a level of "object", "possession", and "VICTIM". Please don't let his "girlfriend" become a victim....check out the following link:
www.michaeljohnsonphd.com/gaslighting_and_reality.htm
You NEED to read...
"Every Man's Battle", "Every Young Man's Battle", "Every Heart Restored" and "Every Man's Marriage" along with Your Bible. In the absence of Your husband You have some Big Boots to fill, however You are OBLIGATED to fill them. He is Your son, and what he is viewing on the internet could get him taken away from You, by the state, and possibly even Your husband Incarcerated. You TOO for that matter. Yes, it IS that sick. Yes, He(both Your son and Your Husband, in my humble opinon) IS that sick. You NEED to talk to YOUR Pastor and You need to talk to that counselor...again, by Yourself, for YOU, your marriage, and Your son. If they're a Christian Counselor, it shouldn't be a financial issue. YOU need to get "grounded" in the word, Satan runs Your household(I can't call it a "home", I doubt You can in Your heart either?), You can't win this battle on multiple fronts with out some SERIOUS help. Here's a discussion board where in reading only one posting You'll KNOW You're getting the right answers from Brothers and Sisters in Christ who know how to handle this head on and give You far more direction, inspiration and strength than i ever possibly could:
www.websitetoolbox.com/tool/mb/emb?forum=21173
Teammom, get real, get real with Your own heart(from Your posting..."My husband seems to be doing well in staying off porn on net?") 4 question marks? Who's in doubt as to a REAL Repentance and Recovery? Well? If I hit "below the belt", I truly beleive it's needed, You need to get a grip on Your family, Yourself, and Your husband/marriage. Right now Satan and his demons are deeply entrenched in Your house, with hooks deep in everybody...and it's called denial Dear Sister.
You need to put on the whole armor of Christ to meet this head-on, and You aren't even remotely close to ready to do that yet... I'll help anyway I can, however the above website and afrorementioned books (along with the bible) ARE the place(s) to start.
-michael, a bond servant of our Lord Jesus Christ
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2005 4:06:00 GMT -7
Dear Teammom
You know I read what you are going through, and maybe I am doing this not for you, but your son. Depending where you live, if your son goes one step beyond porn sights, and does something to a girl, and she runs to the police, your son will be a sex offender until the day he dies, seeing my own mom go through having a sex offender for a son (i am 48) is better than any speech or threats to keep me out of prison.
One thing YOU have to do is get rid of ALL blocks, and I think Focus on THe Family has a filter program you can download, and put it on your computer, or take what it say in Proverbs to heart, and tell DHS he is YOUR son, in short DON'T SPARE THE ROD!
Having a loving and caring mom like you he will understand, but to be honest I would be choking your ex for even thinking about looking at that while he was around (I am very outspoken)
If you want, please feel free to email me at davez423@gbpackersfan.com I will reply.
I will ask my pastors to pray for you, and god will give you what you are wanting, your son should be proud of you after this.
God's blessing
Dave
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2005 4:43:28 GMT -7
Teammom, I have read your story and I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. Remember that the Lord will not give us anything that we can not handle. I am a recovering sex addict and a wife of a recovering sex addict and from my own experience I would say get rid of the home computer if at all possible. It is so easy to access porn or chat rooms with no embarrassment. If that is not possible to do, then disconnect it somehow and only use it when you have to. You can also install Covenant Eyes on it and you will be able to see ANY site that he goes to. It is well worth the $7 per month. If your hubby has a laptop you can also install the program on there for no additional cost. Trust me if there is a will there is a way...they will figure out how to un-install a filter program. Covenant Eyes is not a program that you can temporarily un-install. I will be praying for your family. Rachel
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2007 15:35:11 GMT -7
Hi. i read a couple of the replies on here and i'd like to say something.
I am a 19 year old male that started about the same time your son did. saw some pics earlier on in life and finally started when i was 14. my parents tried everything. talking to me, telling me why i shouldn't, blocking channels internet everything. none of that diturred me. unfortunatly enough until he wants to stop he's not going to. you can beat him from dawn till dusk and as soon as you turn your back he'll be back at it. i'm sure it's a hard problem for a mother to deal with. my mom knows of my problem too... though she didn't catch me till i was 15. i still have a problem today with it.. but yes it's an unfortunate predicament you're in. maybe someday soon he'll see. all you can do is hope and pray that he does.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2007 16:41:16 GMT -7
I'm praying for your son and your family. I'd have to agree with one of the posts-- hubby probably is still doing porn... Can't control that, though. I raised 5 kids. Two had problems with sexual issues; 3 didn't. Go figure... The whole time, I was addicted to porn, and acting out on and off, but mostly on (have just been in recovery for a year). None of them knew about it, that I'm aware of. Stats say that children who were sexually molested or abused (or had early exposure to porn) are most often the ones who grow up with sex addictions or issues. Both applied to my two children who had the problems - one was raped by an older boy; the other was shown porn magazines by a friend when she was only 6. I've heard it said that there is a spiritual wound in these cases, since the child doesn't know how to process the sex experience. See the article on this site about abuse. And, no doubt my addiction "rubbed off" on the children. I learned that my addiction to pornography is the response I developed to soothe emotional stresses, instead of interacting with people, and developing healthy coping mechanisms. A 14 year old boy's hormones are raging already, and looking at just one nude image is like a shot of heroine (actually, it is a chemical the brain releases that is stronger than heroine, some researchers say) to his brain -- i.e., it feels **really** good. So, imagine what viewing multiple images, as on the computer, can do. It gets to where the "pull" is constantly so strong, that it feels impossible to avoid. It's a physical, as well as an emotional, addiction. And, once sucked into it yet again, you go into a completely different world -- split personality, as it were -- that excludes everything else. Then, when you finally pull away, the shame and guilt sets in again. I'm saying all this so you'll have an idea of what your son is dealing with. You can get rid of the computer and TV, which will help, but he'll still masturbate ... Somehow he needs to be able to talk to someone without being shamed about it by that person. And, he will need to have some desire of his own, which is sounds like he has. There's a book that helped me greatly in the early stages: Breaking the Cycle of Compulsive Behavior - Here's the link on Amazon.com www.amazon.com/Breaking-Compulsive-Behavior-Martha-Nibley/dp/0875792901/sr=8-1/qid=1170131322/ref=sr_1_1/104-5510586-4242311?ie=UTF8&s=booksI wish there were a "sure-fire" way to help. He needs to be able to discuss the problem with people he can trust, though, and be able to be accountable every day to someone who can be supportive to him and let him know they love him in spite of the problem. That's one of the hardest things for an addict to accept - that someone can love them, period. And, that God can love them. Getting a lot of people to pray for him would also be great. I'm convinced that my 2 children (now 28 and 22 years old) "came back" due to the prayers of grandparents and other family. 14 years old, though, is a great time to address the problem. I'm 53, and wish I'd have known 40 years ago what I know now about sexual addictions... And had parents that understood the issues. They loved me, but their response was "just quit" -- which just doesn't work... Sorry to ramble, but I really do empathize with the quandry you're in, from both sides of the issue -- child (I was molested as a child), and parent. God be with your family |
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I guess I can never be sure. My biggest problem now is our son. He saw his dad on internet porn and thought it to be cool. That was about five years ago and at 14 he has lost control! My husband has put on blockers but where there's a will there's a way. I went outside yesterday (we live on a farm) and when I came in, I had two chainsaws and a sharpener in my hands so I did not close the door quietly I put the chainsaws down in the t.v. room and came into the living room where the comp. is and saw my son on hard core porn and touching himself. He was so "into it" he did not hear anything. We have tried everything from taking away privliges to blocking comp. everything you hear and see in media. I've taken him to our pastor who spent two to three minutes with him?