Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2006 9:50:40 GMT -7
First of all I am glad to be here and hope that this will help me in my struggles and that I may help others.
I grew up in what I would call a strict religious family with two moral and hard working parents. By my teen years I grew rebellious and started using drugs and generally messed up my life. By my twenties I straightened out that part my life, went to college, and now work in my chosen profession.
As far as the sexual stuff? Like most normal kids it began with fantasies about classmates, teachers, and etc. with self exploratory masturbation. At 16 I can distinctly remember an incident that altered my life. I had someone who was an older friend buy me a girlie magazine at a local 7-11 store. I took it home and scanned the photos for hours. I then began masturbating to these photos using vaseline which made it all seem so real. This all started a snowball effect that to this day I have yet to overcome. I was always a nice looking kid and had no problems attracting the opposite sex. It was always limited to heavy petting and or oral sex. Going all the way even at this point went against my religious backround and besides I was a scared naive young kid. When I was around 20 or so I paid for oral sex from some of the local street prostitutes before the AIDs scare started in the early 80s. When I was about 21 I started dating a neighbors, friends daughter who was 17 at the time. We had many sessions of heavy petting, oral sex and etc. before she decided we should have intercourse. I went along, but right before penetration, my penis went limp because I was scared over performance issues because I was a virgin as well as religious issues. From that point on I was scared to get too close with women as far as sexually and began to rely more and more on pornagraphic material for my sexual outlets. This happened until I went to get help at age 31 from a psychologist, psychiatrist, sex therapist, and christian counselor. At age 37 I got married and was still a virgin. My sexual prowness grew and our sexual relationship was fine and I had NO sexual dysfunctions at all. However, after several months of marriage the old feelings came back and I have struggled on/off again with porn ever since. I am especially prone to the oral sex stuff and lesbian porn. I can abstain anywhere from a few days to up to a year but then a stressor, something I see on the street or? will trigger it off and then I go on a binge until I get bored with it or disgusted with myself. Lately the porn stuff bores me and I have been getting into dialouges over E-mail with call girls. My wife is 14 years younger than me and I still find her attractive but seem to crave variety and new experiences at this point. Its as though I want to make up for all the dry years of my life. I don't want to lose my marriage, my career, or my relationship with God but at times the power of lust overwhelms me and I literally lose control over my mind.
That is a very brief summary of whats going on with me. I hope you all will pray for me and that I can find an accountability partner as well as some outside help again.
I grew up in what I would call a strict religious family with two moral and hard working parents. By my teen years I grew rebellious and started using drugs and generally messed up my life. By my twenties I straightened out that part my life, went to college, and now work in my chosen profession.
As far as the sexual stuff? Like most normal kids it began with fantasies about classmates, teachers, and etc. with self exploratory masturbation. At 16 I can distinctly remember an incident that altered my life. I had someone who was an older friend buy me a girlie magazine at a local 7-11 store. I took it home and scanned the photos for hours. I then began masturbating to these photos using vaseline which made it all seem so real. This all started a snowball effect that to this day I have yet to overcome. I was always a nice looking kid and had no problems attracting the opposite sex. It was always limited to heavy petting and or oral sex. Going all the way even at this point went against my religious backround and besides I was a scared naive young kid. When I was around 20 or so I paid for oral sex from some of the local street prostitutes before the AIDs scare started in the early 80s. When I was about 21 I started dating a neighbors, friends daughter who was 17 at the time. We had many sessions of heavy petting, oral sex and etc. before she decided we should have intercourse. I went along, but right before penetration, my penis went limp because I was scared over performance issues because I was a virgin as well as religious issues. From that point on I was scared to get too close with women as far as sexually and began to rely more and more on pornagraphic material for my sexual outlets. This happened until I went to get help at age 31 from a psychologist, psychiatrist, sex therapist, and christian counselor. At age 37 I got married and was still a virgin. My sexual prowness grew and our sexual relationship was fine and I had NO sexual dysfunctions at all. However, after several months of marriage the old feelings came back and I have struggled on/off again with porn ever since. I am especially prone to the oral sex stuff and lesbian porn. I can abstain anywhere from a few days to up to a year but then a stressor, something I see on the street or? will trigger it off and then I go on a binge until I get bored with it or disgusted with myself. Lately the porn stuff bores me and I have been getting into dialouges over E-mail with call girls. My wife is 14 years younger than me and I still find her attractive but seem to crave variety and new experiences at this point. Its as though I want to make up for all the dry years of my life. I don't want to lose my marriage, my career, or my relationship with God but at times the power of lust overwhelms me and I literally lose control over my mind.
That is a very brief summary of whats going on with me. I hope you all will pray for me and that I can find an accountability partner as well as some outside help again.