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Post by greentree on Nov 21, 2023 7:34:12 GMT -7
My guy takes his cell phone to bed every night because he says it is the only way he can sleep. He listens to news shows which I believe. I have told him countless times that I don't want him to do this! It triggers my ptsd on porn and I think it is unhealthy. When I think how the cell phone is what caused all the problems in the first place with his horrible history of porn addiction. I just want to hear from someone if I am being unrealistic in wanting this to stop! I don't like to cause more conflict than we have already have all these years but I don't think it will ever be ok with me and he so far is unwilling to give up his night time phone time.
I'll be so grateful if someone anyone could please tell me what they think! Thank you!!
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Nov 21, 2023 16:51:42 GMT -7
Hi greentree, I think you are 100% correct. Since he is the one at fault with his porn addiction, he needs to prove himself to you in any and all ways that YOU want. If he is caring for your emotional needs and mental health and well-being, he should and ought to surrender all email, passwords, internet, and etc, that you want. Ephesians says to Husband to love their wives as Christ loved the church AND GAVE HIS LIFE FOR HER. So, that is our high call, our dying to self, in order for you to heal. I did this for a loooooonng time and finally, sleep with godly meditations now and my wife has been healed and I think you can do. Now, how your approach to him will mean a lot, as he will think that 'he is walking around eggshells around you'. So he has to understand clearly that "my wife doesn't like it when I do this". With all your power, pray to God, to ask God for a gentle calm surrendered spirit to the Lord, then pray for God to give you a spirit of calmness and love for him, then describe the situation that PTSD feels like a nightmare and awful and triggered when when you fear that porn/adultery/sin is near (please do not let him cut you off and don't fight).....but I need to heal mentally and being accountable like this would greatly help you" make it about you and your mental health and not about 1. using bible to beat each other up 2. not angry or anything When my wife softly speaks to me, it means everything, because the Holy Spirit is gentle too, It's Satan who wants to use the Bible to angry break us all apart and tear us down. Lord, please bless their marriage and please let him the husband to be loving and caring for his wife. Another good book on this kind of stuff is "Every Man's Marriage" which talks about marital oneness about the husband needs to understanding his wife and love her and submit to her, yes, husbands must submit to their wives. Eph 5. Now, you are gonna hear someone say "You are co-dependent, you are controlling him" blah blah blah, don't fall for it. You are a godly wive, seeking help. Now the only part for you, on your side of the street to keep your side of the street clean is just to ask God to help you let go of any bitterness or revenge or worry and it's impossible without the Lord's help. If you find anything I say offensive or contrary to scripture, please just pray to God, read the Bible and ask for God to help you and lead you. I'm not in any position to give commands, just share my own opinions in a Christian brotherly love kind of way. One other point, for the husband to "get" what his wife is saying "he(me too) needs to put our selves in our wives shoes" So if our wives stepped out on us, and if our wives, did anything to make us husbands feel uncomfortable (PTSD related or whatever) and we (husbands) asked our wives, to please "leave the phone away from bed due to fears of worries of possible sins" and our wives "fought us" ....when we husbands are not felt "heard" and therefore in opposition to our wives, no matter what she says. That is the point, we need to get and he needs to get. Yes we can with Christ's help. The Lord will show you what you need to do, how you need to say it, and in what manner of attitude you can have (not should, but can have). it's a gift. |
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,754 
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 22, 2023 5:22:53 GMT -7
Yeah, after D-Day, the addict husband bringing his cellphone to the bedroom or to the bathroom can be very triggering to wives. It also can be triggering for them too. I know of many guys setting a boundary for the sake of their wives healing as well as for their own healing.
Welcome back, how is your husband holding up? Has he shown signs of change? Is he still MBing? Has sexual intimacy returned in your relationship? Have you found support for yourself?
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Post by greentree on Jan 1, 2024 10:32:13 GMT -7
Hello, thank you for responding. He still takes his phone to bed every night. I'm getting more used to it. And I check up frequently to see that he is only listening to audio. He leads a very stressful life due to job and a business so he claims he cannot sleep and I don't want to make his life harder than it already is. He does seem changed yet I still don't trust him but I have stopped checking his phone because that causes me a lot of stress. We have practically no intimacy. I'm getting used to it and have pretty much decided I probably don't need it anymore anyways. I am stuck with who I have and at my age I don't want to start over. I wish I had counsel but we live in a rural area and it is hard to find someone I connect with. I have been to two counselors in past years and they both told me to leave him. My relationship with the Lord is strong so that keeps me going. Thanks.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jan 1, 2024 23:34:09 GMT -7
I have told my wife that I desire intimacy with her until we are 100 am not lying.
I hope God will soften your husband's heart to you because God said it is not good for man to be alone.
Not just physical but emotional intimacy.
That is what God desires in our marriages.
If he is not desiring physical intimacy with you then I might mean the worst or just he has completely lost all sexual desire which is very doubtful unless he clearly tells you this. Of course this all all between you and him.
I have also been told good things and bad things from counselors. One told me to leave too but I said I will not.
You can't change him but can only pray for him.
Pray God will soften his heart.
Pray for a time to really talk to him and woke out these matters in a really good deep talking time without finger pointing and blaming but also explain how his actions actions make you feel neglected hurt and abandoned and the Bible says for husbands love your wife as Christ loves the church and also in another place that our bodies belongs to each other. It's doesn't mean to take it by force but to mutually love each other because that is what love is.
God please help these hurting people to see how hurtful the sin is and heal them both. Lord we pray for the husband to reconcile again with his wife and love her always with many hugs and kisses and actions and thoughts and also by his intentions. Lord, please bless them Lord Jesus. We pray. Amen.
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Post by Will on Mar 8, 2024 23:36:31 GMT -7
Hi Greentree!  God bless you for not leaving him! I think that is a wonderful thing for a wife! My two cents is: 1) Absolutely it's not ideal him taking the phone to bed. If he's anything like me, it's not his INTENTIONS on what he's going to watch that are the problem!! It's what the enemy and his own unconscious sin-habit are planning to use it for. 2) Unfortunately, I do believe it's very hard for wives to 'police' their husbands (if not impossible). Do you have a Church Pastor you can talk to about this? If so, the best thing would be for your husband to be involved in male accountability. i.e. have someone at the Church - another guy - check in with him about how he's going with this problem. If he's only listening to audio then not such a problem, I do that myself - listen to the audio Bible - to get to sleep sometimes. But watching stuff on a device that has been the portal to porn before - not a great sign. My advice: pray and ask your husband for the both of you to talk to your Pastor about it and begin some male accountability for your husband. God bless you! |
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