Losing hope

It's been quite awhile since I've been here. 1:00 in the morning and I can't sleep; logged on to see what everyone has to say and here I am. Quick recap - got married almost 3 years ago. The day we got married, everything changed. No sex, no cuddling, no much of anything and I couldn't figure out why. 9 months in I found his "stash" and it about destroyed me. He apologized and said it was over. I caught him again. Repeat that for the next year and a half. Funny, before we married, we would talk for hours - about important stuff, things that MEANT something. And it's just gotten less and less. I actually left in February - last year he got nothing for me for Valentine's (he "forgot"); this year he gave me a $5.99 trinket. Add that to a total lack of involvement in our relationship and home and I decided I needed to get out. Was away for a couple weeks and was waiting to hear about an apartment so I decided to try to talk to him and see what he wanted to do. He wanted me to come back; said all the things I had been hoping to hear, promised me he would show me it wasn't "all about (him)." So I moved back in and started cleaning out the garage one day (to surprise him) - found his new collection. Hidden here, there, and everywhere. Same old story except he's never apologized since that first time I found the stuff. Our sex life is just about non-existent; when we do have sex it's lights out, Saturday night, no kissing. I don't even want it anymore because it makes me feel so cheap, so used. Like I'm just a body and he's having sex with whoever is in his mind. I know what it's like to feel ugly - there's no way I can ever measure up to his fantasies. But I thought for a long time that pornography was the problem and now I think it's just a symptom. He can't get close to me and won't let me get close to him. The harder I try, the faster he runs the other way. Porn is his excitement, since our marriage has none. And it's his way to try to control me (if you don't have sex with me, I'll have to go back to porn - not htat he ever says that out loud). I've tried so hard to hang on and hang in there, but he won't go to counseling, won't even talk to me about anything to do with our relationship. I pour my heart out and he says, "What do you want me to say?" I want to scream at him - "Tell me what you FEEL!!" But he won't. And then he says, "Oh, now you're going to start crying." No, I may cry over him, but I won't let him see it ever again. I wish I could find a way to make him care that he's ripping my heart out. I know he's still messing around with that stuff - he couldn't make it more than a month without it and I'm supposed to believe that he just gave it up when I moved back? After I found out he's been lying to me - as long as we've been married, I guess. Before we were married. But I don't look for it anymore or try to catch him. He says I should just trust him, but gives me no reason to. I want to get away from him but I feel guilty for feeling that way. I don't know what you would call what we have but it's not a marriage. He makes no effort to meet any of my needs (totally opposite of before we were married) and doesn't give any indication that he cares. So what do I do - stay out of obligation and hope that he really is who I thought he was when I fell in love with him? Let him destroy what's left of my heart and my spirit? Or get out and don't look back? It's not like we fight - he doesn't care enough to fight, I don't think. It IS all about him - not just sex, but our whole life. As a Christian wife, do I have the right to leave just because my needs aren't being met? Isn't being a Christian about NOT demanding my rights? I have made an appointment with a Christian counselor this week, but I'm open to whatever advice you all can offer. Thanks for listening.

INDOUBT