Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2006 8:34:29 GMT -7
This is long...so thanks in advance for reading. I have discovered porn in our home three times in the last year. The first I was pregnant with our son It was a nasty video, laying right on the bathroom counter. I slammed it on the hard tile floor and it broke into several pieces. I threw it away. Cried for days, husband was "sorry" (*shrug with sheepish grin* "didn't know it was THAT big of a deal). Ok...I am hugely pregnant (delivered 9.8 lb baby) and you are looking at women like this. No...*shrug* not a big deal (RIGHT!) Oh, by the way, he actually insinuated an old boyfriend left it on the door step as a JOKE to me (do I look THAT stupid dear husband??) Then he finally admitted it was his, a "friend" had given it to him when HIS wife made him throw them out. Like 10 years ago. Except the copyright on the tape was from 2002. So he lied. The second I came home from work (I worked swingshift at the time). I had just delivered our son 3 weeks earlier and due to finances and not qualifying for short term disability for maternity leave, I had to return to work quickly. So our boy was three weeks old and I came home and found another tape on our dresser. In our room. Where our newborn baby slept. Where our 8 year old came to ask for glasses of water. Where our 3 old slept after a bad dream. Where he shared a bed with me, he was watching porn and masterbating. While I was still healing from a tough delivery and VOLUNTEERED to go back to work early, away from my precious newborn, to help the family financially. I freaked out pretty bad that time. I was still flabby from delivery, sore, tired beyond belief, having trouble breastfeeding. Guilty because I was going back to work so soon and he is having a party with himself at home. I should have precluded all of this by saying, our sex life is practically nothing the last 3 years. For our age (we are now 40, and 41) anyway. He swore ( on our child)that it would never, ever happen again. But our sex life never got better. He refused counselling. I was depressed and felt so...just so ugly. I'm not ugly. I mean, logically I know that...I modeled in highschool, but ....when your husband doesn't want to make love to you anymore, and never says you are pretty or look nice, and never wants to even be in the same room with you, something inside you just breaks. Sure, I get compliments from others. I work in medicine with many eligible successful men. The only man's eyes I want are my husband's, his words, his eyes....but he doesn't seem to want me. This last time I was taking something out of his sock drawer and found a DVD with a very explicit cover. I mean....very explicit. My DAUGHTER could have been putting away laundry, and seen that. I freaked out and said I was calling a lawyer. I threw things - I mean I threw things at HIM. Out of control, completely, I agree. When I think of all the sacrafices I make, I now work the overnight shift, so our children are raised only by us, no daycare. I don't get much sleep and I am in school for my BSN. It is so UNFAIR, especially while I am out working so hard, that he is at home doing this, and never wanting ME. I broke the DVD into several pieces and threw it at him and banished him to the other room, but he since is back in our room. I can't stand for him to be near me now. I totally, literally, cry for several hours out of the day. I called some counselors through my insurance plan, they all suggested, get this ladies: I need to get counseling on my own, I apparently have issues being insecure around other attractive women and have severe jealousy issues I need to resolve so I am not so jealous when my husband's eyes wander. Or here is the other one (from a therapist mind you) Have I considered watching porn WITH my husband? Many women find they will actually have less anxiety, and actually LIKE it because they do it WITH their husbands.:shock: Well, I liken this to, say, my husband is a heroin addict. How about I shoot up with him, because then at least I will be doing it WITH him right? Then we can both die with a needle in our arm. No thanks. I just have no one to talk to. I am too ashamed to discuss this with anyone I know. I don't have any friends. I have several children, I work, and I have 10 credit hours in school. Mostly, I need to get a handle on the anger. I mean, I hurt so bad. It is like a physical pain in my chest. When I saw that DVD the last time, honestly, I thought I was having an heart attack, because I couldn't breathe. My chest hurt. I got dizzy and I thought I would pass out. Then I realized I was just holding my breath with the shock. What do we women do. I feel just so ugly and gross. How in the world can I ever compare to those women. I know he compares me. Have any of you been able to salvage your marriages? What did you do? My husband doesn't pray. When we were dating, he told me that he believed in God, but through our marriage and his constant refusal to go to church, I see he doesn't want that commitment. I do work weekends so church is difficult, but before I worked weekends, he still wouldn't go. I am so sorry to ramble on so...it is obvious I haven't shared this with anyone I guess...please excuse the diatribe. Any comments are welcome and thank you so much if you hung in there and read this far.  |
|
|
|
Post by Allister on Jun 15, 2006 14:34:35 GMT -7
Unfortunantly your situation is very common. Your reaction too is totally normal and understandable. According to Mathew 5:28 "If a man looks at a woman lustfully, he has committed adultry in his heart." If that is what God thinks, then it is easy to understand why you feel the way you do. God is your only hope. You have seen what the secular world thinks--do it with him, you are insecure. The Bible on the otherhand tells the truth--ADULTRY.
I feel you need to see a Christian counselor. Perhaps you can start by going to church Sundays or Wednesday evenings with your kids. The church should know someone you can see. If you husband is not a man of God, I do not see a lot of hope. Pray that God will change his heart, that he will become a Christian. I also recommend reading Every Heart Restored. The same authors have a book for men, but if your husband does not believe, he probably would not read it.
Happy to help all I can.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2006 19:17:50 GMT -7
Granola Girl,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how much it hurts because I also found out my husband was looking at porn. I felt just the way you do now--incredibly ugly even though mentally I knew I wasn't. It's normal to feel angry and upset because you feel so rejected by your husband. I was extremely angry with my husband, too, but eventually realized that a lot of pain was beneath the anger. Initially we went to a psychologist. Well, actually we only went once, because the psychologist suggested we watch porn together just like the counselor suggested for you two. She said she advised a lot of couples to watch porn together! I'm not sure what she was thinking--she said my husband was more than likely a sex addict and then suggested that. I asked her if that wasn't a lot like telling me to drink Jack Daniels with my husband if he was an alcoholic.
One thing I can tell you Granola Girl is that there is hope. Don't give up on looking for a good counselor. We are very blessed to have wonderful counselors at our church. Like you, I'm pretty fed up with secular psychologist. My husband and I still have our struggles but we have come a very long way in the right direction. At first I had so much fear that is was hard to react calmly to my husband. One thing that helped me a lot was a group at our church called Celebrate Recovery. It is similar to a twelve-step group but is more Christian-based. I'm not sure if they're all just alike but our group was for addicts as well as people living with addicts. Even if your husband won't go to a group like that yet it will help you a lot to have the support of other women going through this. That is one thing that helps a lot--having Christian women friends to talk to and pray for you when the going gets rough. Another thing that helped us a lot was books by Douglas Weiss. He is a Christian counselor who was once a sex addict himself. This website is also very good, too. One thing I can tell you is that your husband is not into porn because you aren't attractive enough. Men who get addicted to porn are usually afraid of intimacy and rejection. A picture will never reject them and they, of course, won't ever have to develop a real relationship with a picture. Believe me, I know it feels like it's about you, but it really isn't--it's more than likely about things that happened to your husband when he was growing up.
I hope this helps some, but I know how painful it is and only God can heal that. I'll be praying for you.
Just Me
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2006 6:22:18 GMT -7
Thank you both so much for words. I appreciate your responses. I know that we need to see a Christian counselor. My problem is that my husband had some bad experiences with church as a child. His mom was a single mom and dabbled in several different "religions", including him finding a voodoo doll under her mattress (presumably his father's likeness)at one time. They bounced from church to church, doctrine to doctrine, and when they finally settled in one place, they were the church "charity case" and to this day remembers the shame (ill-placed, but as a child, I understand that) he felt from that. I was raised Catholic, in Catholic schools, most of my life. I left that doctrine, and became born again when I was 26. Since then my faith is more Bible-based. Church on Wednesday with the kids is more of an option. It hadn't really occurred to me. Sundays or Saturday nights are always out because I work Sat-Mon overnight shift. My husband was exposed to porn at a young age - around 9 or 10. The more I read, the more I see he fits the "textbook" case of the porn user. Their neighbors I guess owned an adult store and kept their inventory in their garage - for all the neighborhood kids to play with over the summers!:shock: His own absent father for his whole entire life showed up when he was 18 and took him to a strip club for his birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!  :X:X He SWEARS he is not an addict. Says he can "stop anytime". Isn't that what all addicts say?:? Allister - I am going to look for that book you mentioned - I have seen it advertised before and I am going to pick it up and thank you very much for the suggestion. Praying for your recovery.  Justme - thank you for your kind words, and I will check into those books by Doug Weiss as well. H and I a very indept conversation last evening, and I feel as though I am literally banging my head against the wall. He says he is sorry. He "gets it" this time, how much he hurt me and put our marriage at risk. What he brought into it. The problem is, he really doesn't feel he did anything wrong - just "sorry I hurt you this way babe" but then he will say - " I don't see that there is anything wrong with this - I wanted to actually cheat on you - but I didn't, I just used porn, wouldn't you rather I do that" :shock: That IS cheating!!!! I wanted to scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO I want you to tell me when you are feeling bad - I DON'T feel better that you just use porn!!!!" Why is other women even an option? Things are wrong right now and you are stressed so go "do" someone else? I want to go live on a mountain with no outside influences I swear. He admitted to fantasizing about being sexual with these women. And masterbating. (He is like "well, yeah, that is the whole point"). I think I will be moving over to the Wives forum and just try to immerse myself in prayer and reading what other women are doing to try to get through this. Many prayers for your recovery as well.  |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2006 7:40:14 GMT -7
Hi Granolagirl,
I will pray for you. Your choice to immerse yourself in prayer is right. Just hide in the presence of God coz you are facing more than you can take. Let HIM handle these issues.
Sincerely,
dfs
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2006 7:38:31 GMT -7
Granola Girl, I didn't get to read ALL of your posts, but enough of them to know that it sounds like you're very level headed and transparent and along the right path to get the help you need. While watching porn with your husband is totally wrong and false....more destructive to your marriage and heart and relationship with the Lord than we know, if your husband is not yet ready for counseling, it may be helpful for you to get counseling on your own.....it has been to me. Of course, if he's willing, it would be much better for him to submit himself to this as well, with you and on his own! As was suggested, it does sound like you may need help to find a Christian therapist specializing in dealing with sex addicts and their spouses. If you need some direction in finding someone, I'd be happy to help you.  You may PM me or whatever. I'd also check to see if your insurance covers telephone counseling in case you need to go this route. The counselors I know of are mostly in Colorado, but I'm also willing to help you find someone locally, if you're not open to phone counseling. I could also try to help you find a support group of some sort in your area IF there is one available. These forums are great, but we all do need real people in our every day lives to share and pray with, ESPECIALLY when our spouses are in this sort of thing or the relational patterns it brings to marriage which make us want to pull our hair out! For me, spending lots of time to "Be Still and Know" with the Lord...time reading the word, especially the Psalms....lots of worship music.....praying....journaling, etc....and just telling the Lord and being real with Him about the pains...the lost dreams....the anger and grief....because He knows anyway and grieves along with us....these are the things which have been most helpful in my healing process. It's been there on the floor, in my tears and realness...with the Word..and often music, that I've experienced the most healing and freedom and intimacy with Him...He's met me there as my ever-faithful Beloved! Let's also ask Him to provide the local friends and support you need and see what He does. Again, this road is not easy, but you sound like you are wise and discerning.... You're prayed and cared for as well......I'm so sorry for this pain you're going through! Compassionately, Captivated |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2006 14:37:37 GMT -7
Just wanted to let you know that I share in many of your frustrations and want to offer my friendship as someone to talk to and pray with. I look forward to corresponding with you! God Bless!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2006 7:06:37 GMT -7
Thank you all for your responses. This site has really been a Godsend.
Things have not improved at all - in fact, they have worsened. I really feel like maybe he needs to leave the house when I am at home. He walks around scowling, looking mad at the world. I know he is mad at himself and just projecting, but I am still the recipient of it, nonetheless. Last night we fought again, I started crying and he told me to grow up and stop crying like a baby. He loves to mock me that way. Told me I was a child.
The more this situation goes on, the more hopeless I am. The more I see, there are such deep issues with this man, that the porn was just the tip of the iceberg. I have printed off several of the articles on this site for him to read, and just left it where I know he will be in the house for him to read - last night he just said (literally) "Blah blah, it's the same thing with everything you give me". He also feels that if I asked 100 non-Christian men and women if porn was ok, they would say it wasn't a problem (well - yeah...duh!:shock:) But I also know plenty of women who wouldn't call themselves saved, who are offended by porn and feel it is wrong. He said to me that he and his first wife "enjoyed porn" together because (are you ready for this?) "she was secure with herself and not threatened by other women". Probably more like she was very submissive (culturally) and felt like she HAD to do this to keep her husband. I've since learned that he subsequently cheated on her, and she divorced him. Starting to see a really scary, sad, and not so encouraging pattern for my family here. Anyway...I'm sick of being compared to other women. He doesn't get that God wants us to have a healthy, fun and active sex life. He just wants it to be shared between husband and wife and no one else.
I feel really convicted to keep trying in my marriage. I have been divorced once already. I have three children from that marriage, and I know how hard it is on kids. And honestly, it was pretty hard on me - I had to work 2 jobs and never saw my children. I keep praying, but maybe my heart isn't in the right place? I mean, someone on this forum told me that harboring the anger is sin and I think that is true - but I hurt so bad, I mean, I just can't believe how bad this hurts! I feel like someone opened up a rib-spreader in my chest, I really do. I think I could begin to forgive my husband if he would even acknowledge he was sorry, that he felt bad (not just about getting caught). What I really can't handle is the lack of remorse, the silent treatment, the isolation, he seems ANGRY that I caught him, angry that I am still here, too. It's like he wants me to leave, (but not take the kids). He WANTS to be rid of me.
Oh brother I am rambling so I am going to sign off. I guess I am not praying hard enough. I feel like just giving up. But if I do that, I will have to answer for alot. The babies we have together are very young, it will cause problems with my ex-husband and the snowball effect will definitely kick in financially. (**sigh**). I have worked pretty hard in this marriage to not make the same mistakes God showed me I made in my first one. But I guess the key is, both husband and wife need to be on the same page. And have the same beliefs - my husband doesn't even believe in God anymore, and mocks Christianity and the principles that go with it. How in the world am I going to try to raise my children with Godly values and morals (i.e. - not objectifying women and worshipping lust)  :X
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2006 8:52:29 GMT -7
Have you ever read the book Beloved Unbeliever? I can't really be the judge of whether your husband is a Christian or not, but I think it might help you to read it. I read it a few months ago after waffling around for ages on the issue. I figure, it can't hurt to pray for my husband's salvation daily, try to get the 1 Peter thing down right, and (this is sad, sad, sadddddddd) kinda' have to take the opinion I may be living with an unbeliever who has the "church thing" down pat.
It sounds like your husband doesn't get the "lusting in your heart is adultery" according to the Word of Jesus the way the rest of us do. Here's the hard part to live with ... if he doesn't get it, he doesn't get it. That means any of us living with addicts who "seem" to not be Christians (whether or not they are) have to learn to approach this whole problem from a viewpoint other than waving our Bibles in the air near their heads and hollering "yergonnagotohelllllllll".
Anyway, if you get ahold of it, I highly recommend it. It's a good read and rather calming in the midst of the tornadoes of life.
P.S. Welcome to the boards!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2006 9:51:35 GMT -7
Everytime I read one of your posts, I am drawn by the similarity that we share. I have been to the place where you are at. It does feel physically exhausting and emotionally you feel that you are at your whit's end. I want to give to you hope through sharing my story with you. I completely understand the frustration...you feel as though you are "in the right" by what you know God's word says and yet when you try to live in faith believing, your husband's attitude seems to tear you down. I want to encourage you to stand by your faith in God believing that He is in control of the situation. And at times, this is very hard to do. I went months praying and seeking that God would intervene in my husband's life and open his eyes to the truth. It was nearly 5 months of praying this prayer before my husband gave his heart to Christ. This verse was one that kept me going:
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3: 5-6
I believe that Satan has a hold on this situation and knows that if he can get to you through it, then he has gotten to both of you. Know that God will not forsake you. He will not give you anything that you cannot handle and I realize how difficult that is to hear because the pain seems so far beyond control. Keep praying and seeking God's direction. Pray for your husband. As much as he has hurt you, God's grace is there for him. And God's love is able to comfort you in this time and always.
There is a song that seemed to always be played on the radio when I needed it most...Lay it Down by Jaci Velasquez. It just expresses how we can lay it all down and learn to trust in God and his plan for us.
I will continue to pray for you that God will give you strength and comfort during this and that your husband will accept an understanding of God's love and grace for himself.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2006 20:26:48 GMT -7
goodness. My heart aches for you! I started crying when i read all that. Darling, i am so sorry. This is hard, Pray, Don;t forget Lord is there, he want's to bless you.
As for you Husband, don't let this get away, divorce isnt the answer, HELP!
Go to a Sex Addiction Christian Counselor, dont go to normal ones, they'll just say porn and masturbation is fine.
If you want to talk sweetie, PM me.
Your in my prayers.
|
|
:X:X He SWEARS he is not an addict. Says he can "stop anytime". Isn't that what all addicts say?:?
You may PM me or whatever. I'd also check to see if your insurance covers telephone counseling in case you need to go this route. The counselors I know of are mostly in Colorado, but I'm also willing to help you find someone locally, if you're not open to phone counseling. I could also try to help you find a support group of some sort in your area IF there is one available. These forums are great, but we all do need real people in our every day lives to share and pray with, ESPECIALLY when our spouses are in this sort of thing or the relational patterns it brings to marriage which make us want to pull our hair out! 
:X