Post by thechipper857 on Feb 26, 2022 19:20:19 GMT -7
It has been a rough week for me. Anxiety, depression, hurt, rage, all of it has taken root with me this week. My heart races, I cant concentrate at work, I am not being a good Mother, I haven't been able to eat, or sleep. The nightmares are awful, then I wake up and remember they are not nightmares, it is my new reality.
My thoughts are consumed with my husbands affair with another man, that was fueled by porn, and has been going on for 26 years. He has also been messaging other men on social media. All of his writings are descriptions on how AMAZING the sex with the affair is, and how Terrible I am.
It is all so extremely hurtful to me, I am just Broken: my heart, my mind, my spirit, my faith. I just don't understand. He can't explain any of it to me. He does not know why he has done what he has done, but he does know that he had destroyed me, and our family due to his choices.
"The Man" was is Commander in a military type high school group, and it all started when he was 16, and "the man" was 34. According to my husband "the man" introduced him to hard core porn, and over the years has kept in contact with him through phone, Sex emails and texts, porn, erotica fantasies. I found out about my husbands porn in Nov. 2021, found his social media and the messages and pictures 12/23/21 and found out about the affair 12/27/21. Husband is in therapy and has not looked at porn since 11/19/21. (I have blockers etc on his phone.) In Jan. I sent hubby an article about how sexual predator's Groom there victims. There were 12 characteristics, "The man" did 11 of them to my husband. This whole time, apparently, hubby didn't realize how "the man" had been grooming and manipulated him into situations.
I know that my husband is struggling. Everything he has kept in all of his different boxes have all been blown up and spilled out everywhere and there are no more boxes for him to hide in. All of the past hurts from childhood, "the Man", the porn, the masturbation, his deployments, everything... all out. AND, he does not have the porn anymore to "relieve stress".
I am struggling and devastated, and our children wont be in the same room with him, talk to him, or even text him back. (ages 15 & 18), I know they are hurting also.
I have literally been with this man for half of my life (26 yrs). I knew a completely different person than who I am finding out him to be now. I know "the man" and "the man's" wife. I am struggling so very much!!!!! How do I get past the fact that my husband has been having sex with a man for so long. Between years 1 & 15 it was "the man" performing oral on my husband, after a few years is when my husband starting reciprocating the oral on "the man". "the man" also started introducing anal play on my husband. 16 years later is when the first time "the man" actually penetrated my husbands with himself. During each encounter porn and drinking was involved. The porn started as "straight", then to "bi" then "homosexual" then group homosexual, then violent homosexual porn. In 2011 is when the man introduced the drug poppers to my husband. (I know this because I have seen his porn account, and the messages which included the links of porn from "the man"). "the man" would ask hubby for pictures of himself naked and hubby would comply, and also posted these pictures online and in messages. "the man" also always lead email, text conversation towards a sexual nature. Apparently they NEVER talked about sex face to face, and as soon as it was done "the man" acted like it Never happened.
Hubby got orders right before Covid for a 2 year assignment. He made the decision that he would go alone. I begged him for me and the kids to go with him. He didn't want to pull kids out of school, lose the house we had been in for 14 years, all practical reasons... During the time he was gone, he was in quarantine by himself, we couldn't travel to see him, nor him us, due to Covid restrictions. His father passed, his brother passed, he best friend passed, his favorite uncle passed. I think during this time is when the sex messaging online started, but when he got home and retired, he really took off with it!
Porn has apparently been increasing over years. Age 8 found a magazine, 13 found his dad's stash of porn mags, soft core porn on Cinemax/hbo, would call the "900" sex talk numbers at 15. Age 16 is when "the man" showed him the Hard Core porn. Straight porn, Sharing wife porn, swingers porn, bi sexual porn, transsexual porn, gay porn, group sex porn, gang bang porn, and it looks like he may of started with even more extreme with other types of porn I would rather not mention.
What do I do with all of this? My husband says he was abused by this man, but I don't understand if he didn't like the encounters, and felt disgusting afterwards, WHY did he keep going back to do it? If he loves me and is praying that we can restore our marriage and come back stronger, WHY did he break all of his vows he made to me in front of GOD? How do I get past the fact that my husband has been viewing such disgusting porn, sexting men, posting naked pictures of himself to the world, and How do I get past the fact that my husband has shared himself with a man?
?
He keeps telling me that non of this is my fault. Everything he did was 100% the choices he made. He tells me he is ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, regretful, hurt, he sees how much he has hurt me and our kids. He says that he feels unredeemable, and doesn't know how to move forward. Claims that the longer he goes without looking at porn, the more clear everything seems to be getting for him. He hates it, because with the clarity also comes the hurt that he has apparently been burying for a very long time.
A friend of mine (Pastor) came to my house yesterday. I told her everything that I have found out. I told her how I have responded to him with some of the actions that I have taken toward hubby. First I told him I would take a legal separation "off the table" and take the year separation for all of us to seek therapy and guidance, so divorce is still a possibility in the future, but not anything we are "threatening" each other with. 2. I told hubby that just because he has broken all of his vows he made to me in front of God, family and friends, does NOT mean I have too!! 3. I know that the only way he will be able to repair his relationship with his children is if I take the lead, to show them that he and I can at least talk, even though I am BREAKING inside. My Pastor friend informed me that with all of the couples she has counseled she is impressed with the amount of compassion and grace I have extend to him in this situation. She also informed me that I need to give myself some compassion and grace. I told her how hard it has been for me to pray due to my anger and hurt. I feel blocked. She told me that God hears my heart, and you don't have to talk, even if I just sit listening to my favorite Mozart CD, God will hear me and is with me. She also agrees with my therapist that I should not make any hard and fast decisions about my husband and our marriage at this time (stay? go?) since I am not in a good mental, emotional, or spiritual state right now.
I am requesting prayers for my Husband who feel unredeemable. I am requesting for prayers for my children who don't understand everything that is going on, and don't know why their parents are they way they are right now. I am requesting prayers for me, because I know I am hurting for myself and them.
Thank you. ~R.
My thoughts are consumed with my husbands affair with another man, that was fueled by porn, and has been going on for 26 years. He has also been messaging other men on social media. All of his writings are descriptions on how AMAZING the sex with the affair is, and how Terrible I am.
It is all so extremely hurtful to me, I am just Broken: my heart, my mind, my spirit, my faith. I just don't understand. He can't explain any of it to me. He does not know why he has done what he has done, but he does know that he had destroyed me, and our family due to his choices.
"The Man" was is Commander in a military type high school group, and it all started when he was 16, and "the man" was 34. According to my husband "the man" introduced him to hard core porn, and over the years has kept in contact with him through phone, Sex emails and texts, porn, erotica fantasies. I found out about my husbands porn in Nov. 2021, found his social media and the messages and pictures 12/23/21 and found out about the affair 12/27/21. Husband is in therapy and has not looked at porn since 11/19/21. (I have blockers etc on his phone.) In Jan. I sent hubby an article about how sexual predator's Groom there victims. There were 12 characteristics, "The man" did 11 of them to my husband. This whole time, apparently, hubby didn't realize how "the man" had been grooming and manipulated him into situations.
I know that my husband is struggling. Everything he has kept in all of his different boxes have all been blown up and spilled out everywhere and there are no more boxes for him to hide in. All of the past hurts from childhood, "the Man", the porn, the masturbation, his deployments, everything... all out. AND, he does not have the porn anymore to "relieve stress".
I am struggling and devastated, and our children wont be in the same room with him, talk to him, or even text him back. (ages 15 & 18), I know they are hurting also.
I have literally been with this man for half of my life (26 yrs). I knew a completely different person than who I am finding out him to be now. I know "the man" and "the man's" wife. I am struggling so very much!!!!! How do I get past the fact that my husband has been having sex with a man for so long. Between years 1 & 15 it was "the man" performing oral on my husband, after a few years is when my husband starting reciprocating the oral on "the man". "the man" also started introducing anal play on my husband. 16 years later is when the first time "the man" actually penetrated my husbands with himself. During each encounter porn and drinking was involved. The porn started as "straight", then to "bi" then "homosexual" then group homosexual, then violent homosexual porn. In 2011 is when the man introduced the drug poppers to my husband. (I know this because I have seen his porn account, and the messages which included the links of porn from "the man"). "the man" would ask hubby for pictures of himself naked and hubby would comply, and also posted these pictures online and in messages. "the man" also always lead email, text conversation towards a sexual nature. Apparently they NEVER talked about sex face to face, and as soon as it was done "the man" acted like it Never happened.
Hubby got orders right before Covid for a 2 year assignment. He made the decision that he would go alone. I begged him for me and the kids to go with him. He didn't want to pull kids out of school, lose the house we had been in for 14 years, all practical reasons... During the time he was gone, he was in quarantine by himself, we couldn't travel to see him, nor him us, due to Covid restrictions. His father passed, his brother passed, he best friend passed, his favorite uncle passed. I think during this time is when the sex messaging online started, but when he got home and retired, he really took off with it!
Porn has apparently been increasing over years. Age 8 found a magazine, 13 found his dad's stash of porn mags, soft core porn on Cinemax/hbo, would call the "900" sex talk numbers at 15. Age 16 is when "the man" showed him the Hard Core porn. Straight porn, Sharing wife porn, swingers porn, bi sexual porn, transsexual porn, gay porn, group sex porn, gang bang porn, and it looks like he may of started with even more extreme with other types of porn I would rather not mention.
What do I do with all of this? My husband says he was abused by this man, but I don't understand if he didn't like the encounters, and felt disgusting afterwards, WHY did he keep going back to do it? If he loves me and is praying that we can restore our marriage and come back stronger, WHY did he break all of his vows he made to me in front of GOD? How do I get past the fact that my husband has been viewing such disgusting porn, sexting men, posting naked pictures of himself to the world, and How do I get past the fact that my husband has shared himself with a man?
? He keeps telling me that non of this is my fault. Everything he did was 100% the choices he made. He tells me he is ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, regretful, hurt, he sees how much he has hurt me and our kids. He says that he feels unredeemable, and doesn't know how to move forward. Claims that the longer he goes without looking at porn, the more clear everything seems to be getting for him. He hates it, because with the clarity also comes the hurt that he has apparently been burying for a very long time.
A friend of mine (Pastor) came to my house yesterday. I told her everything that I have found out. I told her how I have responded to him with some of the actions that I have taken toward hubby. First I told him I would take a legal separation "off the table" and take the year separation for all of us to seek therapy and guidance, so divorce is still a possibility in the future, but not anything we are "threatening" each other with. 2. I told hubby that just because he has broken all of his vows he made to me in front of God, family and friends, does NOT mean I have too!! 3. I know that the only way he will be able to repair his relationship with his children is if I take the lead, to show them that he and I can at least talk, even though I am BREAKING inside. My Pastor friend informed me that with all of the couples she has counseled she is impressed with the amount of compassion and grace I have extend to him in this situation. She also informed me that I need to give myself some compassion and grace. I told her how hard it has been for me to pray due to my anger and hurt. I feel blocked. She told me that God hears my heart, and you don't have to talk, even if I just sit listening to my favorite Mozart CD, God will hear me and is with me. She also agrees with my therapist that I should not make any hard and fast decisions about my husband and our marriage at this time (stay? go?) since I am not in a good mental, emotional, or spiritual state right now.
I am requesting prayers for my Husband who feel unredeemable. I am requesting for prayers for my children who don't understand everything that is going on, and don't know why their parents are they way they are right now. I am requesting prayers for me, because I know I am hurting for myself and them.
Thank you. ~R.
