Hey, that's great news! Sounds like you've come a long way. But don't just "park" there. You haven't quite gotten to the destination yet.
Hopefully you want an honest answer. It could be you "can't" stop looking because you really don't think looking is really that bad, especially since you were doing worse things,.......but sorry to say, it is. In fact, it is just as bad. But looking is still lust and lust is adultery and adultery is sin. Who says so? God says so.
"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. " Matthew 5:28.
Second, stop going to the Y, for heaven's sake! Would you advise a recovering alcoholic to continue going to bars??? If the Y's a temptation for you, don't go. It would probably be a temptation to anybody with this problem. To go when you know it is likely to be a temptation, is to willfully be tempted and to willfully subject yourself to sinning, and then wonder why you can't stop. How much sense does that make?
You have to make
ruthless, definitive changes in your life if you are really serious about stopping the looking. Stay away from anything in your world that tempts you. Keep tempting things out of your life. What happens when you play with fire? Take tough action. This is war, you know. Actions speak louder than words.
To be honest, this doesn't sound like someone who
really believes looking is wrong. You are still feasting with your eyes and loving it. It's not that you are tempted; it's what you are doing with the temptation that is wrong.
Self-control to do that which does
not come natural is what it takes. But first you have to agree with God that looking is
really and truly wrong, and mean it in your heart, before you will be able to even
attempt to stop looking. Then you can practice not looking.
"As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."
But it will take more than controlling your eyeballs. (Arterburn doesn't go into changing the inner man part enough) It will take a HEART CHANGE which will lead to a CHANGED MIND.
Flood your mind and your environment with scripture verses and the things of God to the point nothing else can enter your mind for all the things of God filling it up. The change has to come
from the inside out, not the outside in, although initially bouncing the eyes may help temporarily to break the habit, but it will be short lived until the heart is changed. (I've read Every Man's Battle and know Arterburn doesn't go far enough. His is a bandaid, not a cure.) Try Doug Weiss' resources at
www.sexaddict.com.
But at least you are being honest about your real feelings. No doubt these girls
were appealing......most of us were in our day too, but since we've lived and haven't died yet, we have inevitably aged, unfortunately. We don't like it any better than you men do, but that's the way it is, and a lot of us do our best for our husbands. Unfortunately, our best will never good enough because the grass is always greener on the other side to the sex addict. In fact, the grass can be just as green as can be on their own side if not more, but sadly, the sex addict doesn't see it being blind to his own sin.
You guys have gotten older too and y' all don't look as good as you used to either. Sorry to break that news. Remind yourself of that. The mirror helps with the reality check.
Just Remember: Most of you are old enough to be those girls' fathers! Remind yourself of that should you fiind yourself standing there feasting on them. It will put a real damper on your enjoyment. That's the idea, that is, if you're really serious about stopping.
And should these babes (eh um, other men's daughters) live, they too will not look so good either and could actually end up looking worse than you all think we wives do. (Horrors!) Remind yourself: These babes are aging right before your very eyes at the very moment you are looking at them! (Say it isn't so! Nay. It 'tis!)
Thankfully, God looks on the heart, and not on the outward appearance.
"....for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7
"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised." Proverbs 31:30
Consider this: In case you don't know it already, it is just as extremely painful to know one's husband is so attracted to looking at other young women as it is if they are committing
physical adultery with them.
Consider the pain you are causing your wife when you are looking at other women even if she isn't aware of it. Moreover, consider the pain you are causing God when you do that. And then, consider the pain you would cause the father's of these girls if they knew you were looking at their daughters.
How is it I am causing my wife pain if she doesn't know it? you ask. Because your behavior toward her changes. Whether you know or believe or not, when you continue looking at other women, your behavior toward your wife is altered for the worst. You may not even realize it, but it is. And the negativity toward her is felt and sensed. She may not know exactly what you're doing, but she knows something is wrong because of how you are treating her. Your treatment of her will inevitably be less loving, less caring, more inconsiderate and disrespectful. You see, goodness and evil cannot abide in the same place for one will push the other out. So if you are continuing to look, you will not be the husband you ought to be for your wife. It is impossible. Stop looking (with God's help) and you will behave better and more lovingly toward your wife. And as far as considering the pain you are causing God when you look, God knows and sees everything we do and think and nothing gets past Him.
Consider this: Would it be OK if God stood next to you while you are looking at these girls? Would it be OK if these girls' dads stand next to you while you look at their daughters?? Would it be OK if your children stood next to you as you look at these girls? Would it be OK if your wife stood next to you as you look at these girls?
The Lord Jesus was rejected too because He was not lovely to look upon. So the Lord knows the pain of wives' rejection.
"For He shall grow up before him as a tender plant and as a root our of dry ground: He hath no from nor comliness; and when we shall see Him, there is no beauty that we should desire Him. He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief and we hid as it were our faces from Him; He was despised and we esteemed Him not." Isaiah 53:2-3
You say, but I am not rejecting my wife when I am looking at other girls. Yes you are, because you are considering others' beauty and favoring them over your wife which is inherently rejection of her. Sorry to say, you can't have your cake and eat it too. You must choose: your wife, ....or these millions of other beauties the world over for which you will never live long enough to discover or find them all. You have already chosen her and made a vow to her, a covenant to her, which you are breaking over and over again every time you look at another.
God gives you the ability to control yourself, that is, if you
really want to. Ask Him and learn from Him which means to read and study His word and humble yourself and be a doer of the word and not a hearer only.
And here's a little something: Would it be OK with you if your wife oggled some hot looking men? How would you feel about it if she were looking at men like you are looking at girls? Try putting that shoe on the other foot and you'll get a different feel.
Stopping the looking is not magic. You just don't wake up one day and you've miraculously stopped. It just doesn't go away on it's own any more than a garden grows productive plants without sweat and toil. It will take honest consistent and persistent effort on your part. If you sit back and expect your garden to weed itself, it won't happen. If you don't get in there and pull out the weeds, the plants will be choked out with weeds and your marriage will die a thousand deaths. Marriage takes work, on both people's parts. Don't let yours be another casualty.
You're in a war, and the battlefield is the mind. Arm yourself with the word of God and get serious about winning the battle before the enemy stealthily gets the advantage and you lose ground you've already gained. Read Ephesians chapter 6. It can happen.
Don't ever think you're "over" it completely. Don't ever let your guard down. To do so would be to put your weapon down in the middle of the battle. How utterly foolish that would be! This will always be a battle. Satan, as the god of this world, has designed it so, but God is greater and has already conquered sin and death on the cross. He died for this very thing. He shed His blood so you don't have to be in bondage to sin any more.
"For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace." Romans 8:5-6
"Therefore brethren, we are debtors not to the flesh, to live after the flesh. For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live. for as many as led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God, For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father." Romans 8:12-15
"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world." 1 Peter 5:8
Do you know the Lord as your
personal Lord and savior? If not, that's the first place to start because that is how the power of the Holy Spirit is accessed, and that is how this battle will be won. It is the ONLY way real, lasting success comes.
"Without me, ye can do nothing." God says.
?
?
) -- but remember, if our hearts do not condemn us. Just keep an open line to Jesus and enjoy your time at the Y.
