The 5 Non-Negotiables for Healing a Marriage from Porn by MG
Jan 19, 2022 5:18:07 GMT -7
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jan 19, 2022 5:18:07 GMT -7
The 5 Non-Negotiables for Healing a Marriage from Porn
By Mike Genung
When a couple comes to us for counseling, we ask that both sides fill out a questionnaire. One question on the wife's questionnaire is, "On a scale of one to ten, ten being best, rate the level of trust in your husband." Her answer shows me quickly if their relationship is in intensive care. When her reply is a zero, one, or two, I know they're teetering on the edge. Most are at the bottom of the scale.
Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship. Without trust, there is no relationship. Usually, the man has been lying, hiding, and deceiving for decades. Once the wife discovers their relationship was built on lies her ability to trust her husband to tell the truth vanishes. It gets worse if he keeps lying after the first disclosure, like taking a rag soaked with bleach and rubbing it in an open wound.
Guys who blow their wives off with comments such as 'Aww, I can do this on my own; I don't need help" are delusional, playing games, or don't want to give up lust. Or all 3. Marriages that have been traumatized by a husband's porn or sex addiction recover and heal by actions, not talk alone.
The following are what I call the 5 Non-Negotiables. If a husband wants to break free from porn, rebuild trust in his marriage, and do his part to provide healing in her heart, these 5 action steps must be taken consistently, for years.
1. He must meet with another man or group at least once a week for accountability, for the rest of his life. This doesn't mean he has to be in a support group until the end, but that he'll never go back to a life of isolation again. When a man is in deep and never opened up with his sin to anyone before, I recommend that they call their accountability partner once a day for the first 90 days to get a jump on rooting out the damage that's been done to his character along with the bad habits he's spent years practicing. Most modern Christians are isolated; this alone is a big reason why so many are falling into various types of sin, men and women.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
James 5:16
2. He must make and execute an action plan to remove all of the stumbling blocks of temptation that are under his control. For example, if he's been viewing porn on his smartphone, he needs to downgrade to a dumbphone or install an app with the accountability feature that will email a report to his wife and accountability partner showing every website he views. Porn blocking software is fine, but I've never heard of a guy who couldn't get around it if he wanted to. If Netflix or cable movies at home are a problem, turn off the service. If there's been inappropriate contact with another woman, sever the relationship.
You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
Matthew 5:27-30
3. On a weekly or biweekly basis, make and keep an appointment with your wife where she can ask you any question she wants, especially related to your walk in purity. Do not get defensive, lie, blow your top, ignore her questions, or shut her down. Answering her questions in kindness will open the door for her to put another brick of trust back on the foundation of your relationship. Men who get short with their wives or complain she keeps asking the same questions swing a wrecking ball into her fragile recovery. You can expect her to ask the same questions repeatedly.
Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ
Ephesian 4:15
4. All lying and hiding must stop. No matter what your wife asks you, never lie again. If you binged on porn the previous week, tell her. Getting caught in a lie will raze the trust in your relationship back down to a zero.
Do not lie.
Leviticus 19:11
5. The husband must work to resolve the heart issues that are driving lust. This manifests in distorted core beliefs such as, "I cannot be loved as I am"; "Lust will provide my emotional needs," and others. Our Action Steps 8-week course can help you with this, and we offer counseling. Regardless of who he works with, until he get to the roots that are driving lust, the best he can hope for is temporary relief.
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.
Proverbs 4:23
While there is more to the recovery and rebuilding process, the men who incorporate these action steps into their life are the ones who have the greatest chance of breaking free from lust and seeing their marriage restored.
By Mike Genung
When a couple comes to us for counseling, we ask that both sides fill out a questionnaire. One question on the wife's questionnaire is, "On a scale of one to ten, ten being best, rate the level of trust in your husband." Her answer shows me quickly if their relationship is in intensive care. When her reply is a zero, one, or two, I know they're teetering on the edge. Most are at the bottom of the scale.
Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship. Without trust, there is no relationship. Usually, the man has been lying, hiding, and deceiving for decades. Once the wife discovers their relationship was built on lies her ability to trust her husband to tell the truth vanishes. It gets worse if he keeps lying after the first disclosure, like taking a rag soaked with bleach and rubbing it in an open wound.
Guys who blow their wives off with comments such as 'Aww, I can do this on my own; I don't need help" are delusional, playing games, or don't want to give up lust. Or all 3. Marriages that have been traumatized by a husband's porn or sex addiction recover and heal by actions, not talk alone.
The following are what I call the 5 Non-Negotiables. If a husband wants to break free from porn, rebuild trust in his marriage, and do his part to provide healing in her heart, these 5 action steps must be taken consistently, for years.
1. He must meet with another man or group at least once a week for accountability, for the rest of his life. This doesn't mean he has to be in a support group until the end, but that he'll never go back to a life of isolation again. When a man is in deep and never opened up with his sin to anyone before, I recommend that they call their accountability partner once a day for the first 90 days to get a jump on rooting out the damage that's been done to his character along with the bad habits he's spent years practicing. Most modern Christians are isolated; this alone is a big reason why so many are falling into various types of sin, men and women.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
James 5:16
2. He must make and execute an action plan to remove all of the stumbling blocks of temptation that are under his control. For example, if he's been viewing porn on his smartphone, he needs to downgrade to a dumbphone or install an app with the accountability feature that will email a report to his wife and accountability partner showing every website he views. Porn blocking software is fine, but I've never heard of a guy who couldn't get around it if he wanted to. If Netflix or cable movies at home are a problem, turn off the service. If there's been inappropriate contact with another woman, sever the relationship.
You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
Matthew 5:27-30
3. On a weekly or biweekly basis, make and keep an appointment with your wife where she can ask you any question she wants, especially related to your walk in purity. Do not get defensive, lie, blow your top, ignore her questions, or shut her down. Answering her questions in kindness will open the door for her to put another brick of trust back on the foundation of your relationship. Men who get short with their wives or complain she keeps asking the same questions swing a wrecking ball into her fragile recovery. You can expect her to ask the same questions repeatedly.
Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ
Ephesian 4:15
4. All lying and hiding must stop. No matter what your wife asks you, never lie again. If you binged on porn the previous week, tell her. Getting caught in a lie will raze the trust in your relationship back down to a zero.
Do not lie.
Leviticus 19:11
5. The husband must work to resolve the heart issues that are driving lust. This manifests in distorted core beliefs such as, "I cannot be loved as I am"; "Lust will provide my emotional needs," and others. Our Action Steps 8-week course can help you with this, and we offer counseling. Regardless of who he works with, until he get to the roots that are driving lust, the best he can hope for is temporary relief.
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.
Proverbs 4:23
While there is more to the recovery and rebuilding process, the men who incorporate these action steps into their life are the ones who have the greatest chance of breaking free from lust and seeing their marriage restored.