Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jan 10, 2022 20:17:57 GMT -7
My problem, as being a sex addict, is that I think my wife only loves me when we are having sex. That is wrong. frown. I am only thinking love in the sense of 'eros' man/women erotic love (different greek word) when the love I should think and use and is God's agape love. This is the love she needs and I need. Yes, only God is able to perfectly give it to both of us, His agape love, but if Christ lives in me and her, we need to submit to the Lord Jesus Christ and allow the Holy Spirit to change us (santification) but not before justification (God forgive us of our sins and we have a right standing with our God).
Gospel is believed. Salvation occurs. (John 3:3,5, 16 to end of chapter) A man is saved. Sins are confessed (1st John 1:9). Grace is understand now as sweet, great, good, from God, and leads us to repent (Romans 2:4) and Titus 2:11-15). We are led by the Spirit of God (Galatians 5:16).
Now at times in my recovery from sexual sins, I have thought wrongly by thining "my wife doesn't love me" and this stings and hurts and makes me sad, anxiety, depressed. I didn't realize that she did love me as she showed it through all other means by house keeping, food, laundry, and probably more things I can't think about. Her little things of making my favorite goods or trying to look good and pretty for me are also ways she is showing me that she loves me, but I didn't see it that way. I was blind to this the whole time. I only thought negatively "she is only making food because she HAS to" and "she is doing to laundry because she HAS to" and "she is wearing nice clothes and got her makeup and hair all done because she HAS to" and I believed a lie. Partly true partly lie. Yes, my wife should take a shower, do her hair, make up for her own reasons, but she is also having a reason to show you that she still cares for you, even if she didn't say it.
What I wanted to have her do was 'hold me, smile at me, be nice to me, kiss me, hold me' and this would have been a sign to me that she was still loving me. I was expecting something, I didn't get it, so I assumed the worst which was "She doesn't love me" so this drew me farther away from her, holding a grudge and bitterness towards her, causing me to find any other women who would just listen to me, just tell me anything and that was the very seeds that were sown into my broken, holding-a-grudge, sex addict heart. So this prepared me to seek emotional comfort from other women. I was so desperate to talk to a women, any women, any women literally. Just to know that I was listened to and loved, was all my heart wanted, but it turned out that I was actually committing adultery because I was violating the marriage vow by giving another women my emotional love, that should only go to my life. By the Lord's grace and mercy, using other brothers around me, that emotional affiar was broken, and I was again seeking 'love' from my wife, but still the wrong kind of love, since it was 'sexual' eros love, not God's agape love.
My wife didn't want me to think of her as a piece of flesh for me to use. Was her worthy to me as only cheap as a piece of flesh? Hasn't this poor soul been through enough hell on earth by me? Hasn't she suffered my affairs and adulteries enough? Hasn't she been granted a sane mind by God even still to this day?
Today, my wife told me, I need to study God's love, and she is right. My happiness can't come from our sex, but only from God. Have I make my wife a god or idol? The answer was and sometimes is 'yes'. I have put her emotionas, her body, as on a pedastal, for me to praise and worship and see sex from. Then when I got it (sex), it was not enough, because I have fallen so many times having a 'good relationship' with my wife, just to fall back into porn/adultery all over again.
There is a warning from scripture that I would like to share and it might also apply and make sense to you too.
then beware lest you forget the Lord who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
Deuteronomy 6:12 MEV
I have forgotten the Lord many times in my recovery from sexual addiction. I have had some time in sobriety then a fall. It it was not simply just I was fine, I was sober, I fell.
There is a lot in between that I should try to understand. In this case, I have forgotten the Lord who brought me out of the land of Egypt
(my personal slavery to sexual immorality).
There was a time I had a two and a half years (2007-2009) of not watching porn and masturbating, then what happened? I started to search images of women and this was the beginning of a downhill spiral
into porn addiction. Then one year I got one year of sobriety, and again I fell into porn addiction. Then I got 4 1/2 years of sobriety and again I fell into porn addiction. Now I am on three weeks of no
sexual sins (emotional affair) and God is helping me to maintain these days.
Why do I want to study about God's Agape Love? Because that is the love I need.
Why do I believe I love my wife, I say it, but my actions show I don't by watching porn? I only "think" I love my wife in the real sense (agape) but this is not agape love but eros love. If it were really love in the
sense of God's agape love then I would show it by my deeds and repentance as the scriptures day.
Also, there are times I read when the wife says "I know he (husband) is saved and that he loves me but...(then a long story of his porn addiction and sexual history)", It's not important who is right
and who is wrong. I"m not here to beat up husbands or tell wifes they are wrong.
What am I saying?
This is the mirror of love.
'Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it, that He might
sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, and that He might present to Himself a
glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish.
In this way men ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord cares for the church.
For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his
father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.” '
Ephesians 5:25-31
That is what I ought to do and that is what my wife is really hoping for and needing from me, to show Christ to her through me, which is the part of me dying to self and letting Christ shine (product good fruit and
good attitudes and good character).
If we look in the very same chapter, there is a warning here.
'And do not let sexual immorality, or any impurity, or greed be named among you, as these are not proper among saints.
Let there be no filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse joking, which are not fitting. Instead, give thanks. For this you
know, that no sexually immoral or impure person, or one who is greedy, who is an idolater, has any inheritance
in the kingdom of Christ and of God.'
Ephesians 5:3-5
if I am a believer, a disciple, a follower of Christ, there is another term here 'saint' and I need to know that sexual immoral, greedy, and idolater are the same
and if I a person such as that, I have no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.
Is sexually immorality a greedy sin? Yes it is. It will not stop and keep needing more and more and will take the person to the hell in this life and in the next.
Is sexual immorality an idolatry sin? Yes it is. Read in Romans chapter 1 this and see if this is talking about idolatry and relating it to our sexual sins.
'The wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth through unrighteousness.
For what may be known about God is clear to them since God has shown it to them. The invisible things about Him—His eternal power and
deity—have been clearly seen since the creation of the world and are understood by the things that are made, so that they are without excuse.
Because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him or give thanks to Him as God, but became futile in their imaginations, and their foolish
hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools. They changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible
man, birds, four-footed beasts, and creeping things. Therefore God gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their
own bodies among themselves. They turned the truth of God into a lie and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed
forever. Amen. For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. Their women exchanged the natural function for what is against nature.
Likewise the men, leaving the natural function of the woman, burned in their lust toward one another, men with men doing that which is shameful, and
receiving in themselves the due penalty of their error. And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do
those things which are not proper. They were filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy,
murder, strife, deceit. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, proud, boastful, inventors of evil things, and disobedient toward parents, without
understanding, covenant breakers, without natural affection, calloused, and unmerciful, who know the righteous requirement of God, that those who commit
such things are worthy of death. They not only do them, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.'
Romans 1:18-32
Therefore God gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their own bodies among themselves.
They turned the truth of God into a lie and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed
forever. Amen. For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions.
This is the part I wanted to key in on. God gave them up though the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their own bodies among themselves.
They served the creature rather than the Creator.
When I am enslaved to sin and I can't stop, I might be that God did gave me up and it's because of me serving the creature (people/body parts) rather than the Creator.
So I am committing adultery and idolatry. I serve a false God - sex, or a women, or my own body parts and I show this evidence by my enslavement in it.
Jesus said this.
But if your eye is unclear, your whole body will be full of darkness. Therefore, if the light that is in you is darkness,
how great is that darkness!
Matthew 6:23 MEV
I don't like to admit, I have a false god I love and I serve, but this is my state of my soul. I do have a false god, that I serve when I look with lust after another women. I could
try to justify it, try to explain it away, but the false god (idol that I love and I worship and I don't want to let go) is the root of my sex addiction.
'“Therefore listen to the parable of the sower. When anyone hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil
one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is the one who received seed beside the path. But he who
received the seed on rocky ground is he who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy, yet he has no root in himself,
but endures for a while. For when tribulation or persecution arises because of the word, eventually he falls away.
He also who received seed among the thorns is he who hears the word, but the cares of this world and the deceitfulness
of riches choke the word, and he becomes unfruitful. But he who received seed on the good ground is he who hears the word
and understands it, who indeed bears fruit. Some produce a hundred, sixty, or thirty times what was sown.”'
Matthew 13:18-23
Satan snatches the Word of God away. A man has not root in himself but endures for a while. The man eventually falls away. The cares of
this world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word and the man become unfruitful.
There is only one good scenario - the man who hears the word and understands and bears fruit.
One thing to note is there is a deception in only hearing and not doing the Word - Not submiting to the Lord Jesus - Not surrendering by going to Jesus
'“Whoever hears these sayings of Mine and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on a rock.
And the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house. And it did not fall, for it was
founded a rock. And every one who hears these sayings of Mine and does not do them will be likened to a foolish man
who built his house on the sand. And the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house.
And it fell. And its fall was great.”'
Matthew 7:24-27
Jesus gives us a change to make a decision to hear, believe, and do it Jesus' way.
The big question is how?
The answer is by knowing God, not having a head knowledge, a theology, but by knowing God, and having a daily praying relationship, where you talk to God and He talks to you when you
read His Word, the Bible. God is able to help you in that way. God is able to strengthen you in that way.
Do you really want to quit looking at porn? having affairs? I do. We are commanded to repent (change our mind, turn away from, confess, and forsake our sins),
and turn to God, trusting in God, hoping in God and God's promises.
If you do, I think you know what You must God because God has been trying to reach you and me in many circumstances, and specifically, in His Word.
If you need practical advice on how to leave the immoral women, read Proverbs 5-7, Matthew 5:27-30, and whatever else you can find in the Bible regarding how to find and follow after God.
Is that all? Where is God's agape love? Where is the comfort, the grace I need for my own healing? I'm very upset and discouraged and I feel is condemnation and 'do this' 'do that' what is the rest
and where is the serenity?
The answer to this real quesion is this. Understanding the God of the Bible and the good news, when you pray to God, you are seeking Him, you cry out to God, you pray from the heart, you tell God
what you need and seek God, wait on God to work and answer you. This is how. You might fast, you plead, you put God first from now until you die, and when God shows up, You will know because it was
who told you and not a mere man.
How do you know it was from God? Check the Bible and pray. God will confirm it in His Word. God is not going to lead you astray into some false teaching or heresy. You can read the Bible for yourself
and let the Bible give you a correct understanding, rather than listen to a bunch of teachers and not knowing exactly if they are speaking the truth, you yourself search for yourself, Isn't that what we are
supposed to do? God is our teacher, and yes, we do not those with gifts who can teach, preach, exhort, but we are also responsible to find God and seek after God and check and study the scriptures
like the Bareans to check if that is what the scriptures teach.
'“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me.
For I am meek and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”'
Matthew 11:28-30
Everytime, I am tempted to commit sexual immorality, idolatry, or hold a grudge against my wife for not being "there" for me (for sex), I hurt or feel some great negative emotions and thoughts, I can't bear it, so I need to go to Jesus Christ
That is the only way. Praying, crying out to God, reading and medidation on the Word of God.
I'l be honest, there have been times where I was not truly seeking recovery, yes, I went to meetings, and yes, I called people, but only to later claim "I went to meetings" and "I called my sponsor or accountability partner" as in some way to fool others and myself that "I was working the 12 steps or working my recovery program", This kind of 1/2 hearted thing which is not even Christ-centered will not work. Jesus said "Come to me".
Submit to the Lord
Surrender to Jesus Christ
Love Jesus
Trust in Jesus.
Follow Jesus like your soul depends on it because it actually does
Follow Jesus because You know He gots the best plans for you and all others are not going to work.
What about Christian ministries? Aren't they good? I think so, but, if we make man our center and not God, what else are we doing besides changing one idol of sex into an idol of a pastor or some famous person.
Paul said this.
'Who then is Paul, and who is Apollos, but ministers by whom you believed, even as the Lord gave to each one? I have planted,
Apollos watered, but God gave the increase. So then neither is he who plants nor he who waters anything, but God who gives the increase. '
1 Corinthians 3:5-7
If we are all brothers and sisters in Christ, then, we are only using what gifts and things and ministries that God has given to us. You and I both have different or the same gifts.
Ok, tell more of God's Agape love.
When we sinned, God loved us anyways, and sent His Son, God in the flesh, to die for you and me. Who would do that for you? Your wife? Your addiction? No way. Only God Himself.
Try to ask God to help you understand this. I will too as we medidate on it together.
'But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.'
Romans 5:8
If you put your name in there, it will make it more personal.
God demonstrated His own love (agape) toward (________) fill in the blank with your name, your wife's name, your enemies name. in that, while I (my name, my wife's name, my enemies name) was still a sinner, Christ died
for me (also my wife, and my enemies).
That's why, Jesus taught us to love our enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, those who hate you, why? Isn't that what God demonstrated to us?
Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And they divided His clothes by casting lots.
Luke 23:34 MEV
and we see this same agape love working in Stephen's heart at his death. Look.
'When they heard these things, they were cut to the heart, and they gnashed their teeth at him. But being full of the Holy Spirit, he
gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God, and said, “Look! I see the heavens opened
and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.” Then they cried out with a loud voice, closed their ears, and rushed at him in unison.
they threw him out of the city and stoned him. The witnesses laid down their garments at the feet of a young man named Saul. They stoned
Stephen as he was calling on God, praying, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” Then he knelt down and cried with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold
this sin against them.” Having said this, he fell asleep.'
Acts 7:54-60
How can I rightly do, or allow God to work in me to produce in me, with God's help, this amazing, agape love?
Jesus, God, died on the cross for us? In showing no hatred to those who hated Him, prayed for his enemies, us, and them, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do".
Even in his death, He prayed to God.
Stephen, was filled with the Holy Spirit, and prayed "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit and knelt down and cried in loud voice "Lord, do not hold this sin against them"
I'm trying to understand this great love. What is this all about? Do I know God? Do I know God as I ought? I don't know and I don't think I do.
I might know God, I think I do, but my sexual sins confuse me, and my lust hinders me. There is nothing good about it. Even when my wife tries to do nice things, I can't see it, because I'm blinding only looking
for love (aka sex). I'm not truly seeking the love of God (agape) but am trapped in seeking a flesh love (eros) kind of love, which is not enough and honeslty, it's not even a need. It's a want.
It it was a need, like bread and water, that is different. I don't "need" sex. I don't "need" hugs and kisses from my wife, I would love it and crave it, and guess what, a lot of wifes want this too, even after they know
their husband sex addiction problem, what kind of love is that? It's not the eros kind, but the agape kind, so we can see that God is working through our wifes, despite all their "whatever you call it" that I interpret as "attacking me"
or "hurting me" or "rejecting me". God is now opening my eyes, after reading the Bible, and hearing many stories of recovery among us who are married.
Any man that has a wife that is still with them, even after they (the wife) has discovered the porn addiction (adultery included) is blessed, and should not take her for granted. She is able to divorce but God hates it, so don't push
her to that extreme but all the little "relapses" are not really relapse but greedy, idolatry, adultury, not having a place in heave, not knowing Jesus, hurting my wife, and will end me in hell, loving my family,
all for what? A single pleasure? a cheep thrill from a women who is herself enslaved in sins and addictions, who feet lead to hell (Proverbs 5-7) who has rejected God and followed Satan.
But someone might say...
But what about the women at the well? who had 5 husbands and was living with the man was currently not her husband? How can you say she was following Satan?
But what about the women caught in the act of adultery, in John 8, when Jesus didn't condemn her but said "neither do I condemn you, go and sin now more"
Jesus did show mercy to the women in both instances....but here is the thing. I don't fully know any women's heart, but only what is revealed in scripture. So following the ways of this world, is
following Satan, regardless if it was mentioned or not. There are only two kinds of people, which are the saved and the lost. Combine those two immoral women in John 4 and John 8 to the
type of immoral women in Proverbs 5-7 or like Delilah in Samson's case, or like the immoral women in Genesis 39 who sexually went after Joseph.
Brining it all together. There are lost women who are living sexually impure lives.
and
There are types of immoral women who has no sense of righteousness and does it for her own pleasure.
Whether we are lost or a believer who is still trapped into sexual sins, we are, regardless, following the flesh, and following Satan, who is the one who comes to kill, steal and destroy
and we are doing that very work when we decide to commit adultery, watch porn and masturbate.
Whoever practices sin is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was revealed,
that He might destroy the works of the devil.
1 John 3:8 MEV
Now the works of the flesh are revealed, which are these: adultery, sexual immorality, impurity, lewdness,
Galatians 5:19 MEV
The night is far spent, the day is at hand. Therefore let us take off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light.
Romans 13:12 MEV
Ok, back to grace and God's goodness now. Sometimes I ask myself this question in light of examining myself.
Do I really understand God's grace? What does God's grace teach me? How do I rightly understand God's grace?
Here is what I found. These verses
'Do you despise the riches of His goodness, tolerance, and patience, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?'
Romans 2:4
'For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly desires, we should live
soberly, righteously, and in godliness in this present world, as we await the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and
Savior Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from all lawlessness and purify for Himself a special people, zealous of
good works. Teach these things, exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no one despise you.'
Titus 2:11-15
and not only that but this too.
'Beloved, while I diligently tried to write to you of the salvation we have in common, I found it necessary to write and appeal to you to contend for the
faith which was once delivered to the saints. For there are some men who secretly crept in, who were marked long ago for this condemnation.
They are ungodly men, who pervert the grace of our God into immorality and deny the only Lord God and our Lord Jesus Christ.'
Jude 1:3-4
Grace teaches us to repent, and to stop sinning and not use it as a license to sin.
Now, Grace also is not alone but tied to another attribute which is God's holiness.
Because if I focus on just one aspect of God, his love, and leave out the other part, his hatred of sins, I am not really telling you the full truth.
Perhaps, I am ignorant and I am, but perhaps, I don't know or understand yet what God is all about.
God is not going to let His people live in their sins.
Therefore consider the goodness and severity of God—severity toward those who fell, but goodness toward you, if you continue in His goodness.
Otherwise, you also will be cut off.
Romans 11:22 MEV
for whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and scourges every son whom He receives.”
Hebrews 12:6 MEV
“To the angel of the church of Ephesus write: “He who holds the seven stars in His right hand, who walks in the midst of the seven golden
candlesticks, says these things: I know your works, your labor and your patience, and that you cannot bear those who are evil. And you
have tested those who say they are apostles, but are not, and have found them to be liars. You have endured, and have been patient,
and for My name’s sake have labored and have not grown weary. “But I have something against you, that you have abandoned the love
you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen. Repent, and do the works you did at first, or else I will come to you
quickly and remove your candlestick from its place, unless you repent. But this you have: You hate the works of the Nicolaitans,
which I also hate. “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give permission to
eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the Paradise of God.'
Revelation 2:1-7
'“To the angel of the church in Pergamum write: “He who has the sharp two-edged sword says these things: I know your works and where you live,
where Satan’s throne is. Yet you hold firmly to My name, and did not deny My faith even in the days of Antipas, My faithful martyr, who was killed
among you, where Satan dwells. “But I have a few things against you: You have there those who hold the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to
cast a stumbling block before the children of Israel, to eat things sacrificed to idols and to commit sexual immorality. So you also have those who hold
the teaching of the Nicolaitans. Repent, or else I will come to you quickly and will war against them with the sword of My mouth. “He who has an ear,
let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give the hidden manna to eat. And I will give him a white stone, and on
the stone a new name written, which no one knows except he who receives it.'
Revelation 2:12-17
'“To the angel of the church in Thyatira write: “The Son of God, who has eyes like a flame of fire, and whose feet are like fine brass, says these things:
I know your works, love, service, faith, and your patience, and that your last works are more than the first. “But I have a few things against you:
You permit that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess, to teach and seduce My servants to commit sexual immorality and eat food sacrificed to idols.
I gave her time to repent of her sexual immorality, but she did not repent. Look! I will throw her onto a sickbed, and those who commit adultery with her into
great tribulation, unless they repent of their deeds. I will put her children to death, and all the churches shall know that I am He who searches the hearts and minds.
I will give to each one of you according to your deeds. “Now to you I say, and to the rest in Thyatira, as many as do not have this teaching, who have not known
what some call the ‘depths of Satan,’ I will put on you no other burden. But hold firmly what you have until I come. “To him who overcomes and keeps My works to
the end, I will give authority over the nations— He ‘shall rule them with a rod of iron; like the vessels of a potter they shall be broken in pieces’ —
even as I myself have received authority from My Father. And I will give him the morning star. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says
to the churches.'
Revelation 2:18-29
I am terrified of God, but not only that, I love God now more than before. I might sound like I'm boasting but right now I do love God and I am trying to prove it to myself and others that I do.
I give credit to God who helping me overcome my sexual addictions. God has helped me break free from pornography, massage parlors, prostitutes, affairs, and emotional affairs and God
is still loving me and working with me. I am not qualified to tell you how to live, I am only qualified to share with you the Bible and how it applies to me, and I hope it might also help someone
else who is trapped in sex sins, to find God, find God's deliverance, find God's agape love, and to keep close to Jesus Christ no matter what.
No amout of religious efforts helped me until I made a sincere pray to God from the heart and God working on me and in me. That will start a new life in Jesus Christ. To know that
Jesus Christ has died for your personal sins (all sexual immorality, all idolatry, all adultery, everything, all of it, done, paid for, nothing I can do to earn God's love), because God
loves me unconditionally. That is the primary truth I know now and have experienced. Theology didn't get me there, sure faith comes by hearing the Word of God, which leads me
to Jesus Christ in sincere prayers to the Lord. God is the One who does the work in the mind and heart. I'm still not perfect. I'm not some holy person now, although, I am learning
to submit all parts of my body, mind, soul, emotinos, spirit, and give my love, trust and obedience to God. I'm a broken man, still in need to great help from God now.
I still have moments of failure
self righteousness
pride
fear
anger
lust
But God has broken the chains, I can say now will full assurance that I am free, forgiven, and in the family of God, because of Jesus, not because of me. All I brought to the table was my own
sins and burdens and give them to God, and received God's mercy and forgiveness of sins, trusting in His Word that He did hear me and He did save me. I have to recognize daily that this is
how I my new life Jesus Christ will look like now.
'I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God,
who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God. For if righteousness comes by the law, then Christ died in vain.'
Galatians 2:20-21
Gospel is believed. Salvation occurs. (John 3:3,5, 16 to end of chapter) A man is saved. Sins are confessed (1st John 1:9). Grace is understand now as sweet, great, good, from God, and leads us to repent (Romans 2:4) and Titus 2:11-15). We are led by the Spirit of God (Galatians 5:16).
Now at times in my recovery from sexual sins, I have thought wrongly by thining "my wife doesn't love me" and this stings and hurts and makes me sad, anxiety, depressed. I didn't realize that she did love me as she showed it through all other means by house keeping, food, laundry, and probably more things I can't think about. Her little things of making my favorite goods or trying to look good and pretty for me are also ways she is showing me that she loves me, but I didn't see it that way. I was blind to this the whole time. I only thought negatively "she is only making food because she HAS to" and "she is doing to laundry because she HAS to" and "she is wearing nice clothes and got her makeup and hair all done because she HAS to" and I believed a lie. Partly true partly lie. Yes, my wife should take a shower, do her hair, make up for her own reasons, but she is also having a reason to show you that she still cares for you, even if she didn't say it.
What I wanted to have her do was 'hold me, smile at me, be nice to me, kiss me, hold me' and this would have been a sign to me that she was still loving me. I was expecting something, I didn't get it, so I assumed the worst which was "She doesn't love me" so this drew me farther away from her, holding a grudge and bitterness towards her, causing me to find any other women who would just listen to me, just tell me anything and that was the very seeds that were sown into my broken, holding-a-grudge, sex addict heart. So this prepared me to seek emotional comfort from other women. I was so desperate to talk to a women, any women, any women literally. Just to know that I was listened to and loved, was all my heart wanted, but it turned out that I was actually committing adultery because I was violating the marriage vow by giving another women my emotional love, that should only go to my life. By the Lord's grace and mercy, using other brothers around me, that emotional affiar was broken, and I was again seeking 'love' from my wife, but still the wrong kind of love, since it was 'sexual' eros love, not God's agape love.
My wife didn't want me to think of her as a piece of flesh for me to use. Was her worthy to me as only cheap as a piece of flesh? Hasn't this poor soul been through enough hell on earth by me? Hasn't she suffered my affairs and adulteries enough? Hasn't she been granted a sane mind by God even still to this day?
Today, my wife told me, I need to study God's love, and she is right. My happiness can't come from our sex, but only from God. Have I make my wife a god or idol? The answer was and sometimes is 'yes'. I have put her emotionas, her body, as on a pedastal, for me to praise and worship and see sex from. Then when I got it (sex), it was not enough, because I have fallen so many times having a 'good relationship' with my wife, just to fall back into porn/adultery all over again.
There is a warning from scripture that I would like to share and it might also apply and make sense to you too.
then beware lest you forget the Lord who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
Deuteronomy 6:12 MEV
I have forgotten the Lord many times in my recovery from sexual addiction. I have had some time in sobriety then a fall. It it was not simply just I was fine, I was sober, I fell.
There is a lot in between that I should try to understand. In this case, I have forgotten the Lord who brought me out of the land of Egypt
(my personal slavery to sexual immorality).
There was a time I had a two and a half years (2007-2009) of not watching porn and masturbating, then what happened? I started to search images of women and this was the beginning of a downhill spiral
into porn addiction. Then one year I got one year of sobriety, and again I fell into porn addiction. Then I got 4 1/2 years of sobriety and again I fell into porn addiction. Now I am on three weeks of no
sexual sins (emotional affair) and God is helping me to maintain these days.
Why do I want to study about God's Agape Love? Because that is the love I need.
Why do I believe I love my wife, I say it, but my actions show I don't by watching porn? I only "think" I love my wife in the real sense (agape) but this is not agape love but eros love. If it were really love in the
sense of God's agape love then I would show it by my deeds and repentance as the scriptures day.
Also, there are times I read when the wife says "I know he (husband) is saved and that he loves me but...(then a long story of his porn addiction and sexual history)", It's not important who is right
and who is wrong. I"m not here to beat up husbands or tell wifes they are wrong.
What am I saying?
This is the mirror of love.
'Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it, that He might
sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, and that He might present to Himself a
glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish.
In this way men ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord cares for the church.
For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his
father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.” '
Ephesians 5:25-31
That is what I ought to do and that is what my wife is really hoping for and needing from me, to show Christ to her through me, which is the part of me dying to self and letting Christ shine (product good fruit and
good attitudes and good character).
If we look in the very same chapter, there is a warning here.
'And do not let sexual immorality, or any impurity, or greed be named among you, as these are not proper among saints.
Let there be no filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse joking, which are not fitting. Instead, give thanks. For this you
know, that no sexually immoral or impure person, or one who is greedy, who is an idolater, has any inheritance
in the kingdom of Christ and of God.'
Ephesians 5:3-5
if I am a believer, a disciple, a follower of Christ, there is another term here 'saint' and I need to know that sexual immoral, greedy, and idolater are the same
and if I a person such as that, I have no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.
Is sexually immorality a greedy sin? Yes it is. It will not stop and keep needing more and more and will take the person to the hell in this life and in the next.
Is sexual immorality an idolatry sin? Yes it is. Read in Romans chapter 1 this and see if this is talking about idolatry and relating it to our sexual sins.
'The wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth through unrighteousness.
For what may be known about God is clear to them since God has shown it to them. The invisible things about Him—His eternal power and
deity—have been clearly seen since the creation of the world and are understood by the things that are made, so that they are without excuse.
Because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him or give thanks to Him as God, but became futile in their imaginations, and their foolish
hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools. They changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible
man, birds, four-footed beasts, and creeping things. Therefore God gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their
own bodies among themselves. They turned the truth of God into a lie and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed
forever. Amen. For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. Their women exchanged the natural function for what is against nature.
Likewise the men, leaving the natural function of the woman, burned in their lust toward one another, men with men doing that which is shameful, and
receiving in themselves the due penalty of their error. And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do
those things which are not proper. They were filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy,
murder, strife, deceit. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, proud, boastful, inventors of evil things, and disobedient toward parents, without
understanding, covenant breakers, without natural affection, calloused, and unmerciful, who know the righteous requirement of God, that those who commit
such things are worthy of death. They not only do them, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.'
Romans 1:18-32
Therefore God gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their own bodies among themselves.
They turned the truth of God into a lie and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed
forever. Amen. For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions.
This is the part I wanted to key in on. God gave them up though the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their own bodies among themselves.
They served the creature rather than the Creator.
When I am enslaved to sin and I can't stop, I might be that God did gave me up and it's because of me serving the creature (people/body parts) rather than the Creator.
So I am committing adultery and idolatry. I serve a false God - sex, or a women, or my own body parts and I show this evidence by my enslavement in it.
Jesus said this.
But if your eye is unclear, your whole body will be full of darkness. Therefore, if the light that is in you is darkness,
how great is that darkness!
Matthew 6:23 MEV
I don't like to admit, I have a false god I love and I serve, but this is my state of my soul. I do have a false god, that I serve when I look with lust after another women. I could
try to justify it, try to explain it away, but the false god (idol that I love and I worship and I don't want to let go) is the root of my sex addiction.
'“Therefore listen to the parable of the sower. When anyone hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil
one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is the one who received seed beside the path. But he who
received the seed on rocky ground is he who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy, yet he has no root in himself,
but endures for a while. For when tribulation or persecution arises because of the word, eventually he falls away.
He also who received seed among the thorns is he who hears the word, but the cares of this world and the deceitfulness
of riches choke the word, and he becomes unfruitful. But he who received seed on the good ground is he who hears the word
and understands it, who indeed bears fruit. Some produce a hundred, sixty, or thirty times what was sown.”'
Matthew 13:18-23
Satan snatches the Word of God away. A man has not root in himself but endures for a while. The man eventually falls away. The cares of
this world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word and the man become unfruitful.
There is only one good scenario - the man who hears the word and understands and bears fruit.
One thing to note is there is a deception in only hearing and not doing the Word - Not submiting to the Lord Jesus - Not surrendering by going to Jesus
'“Whoever hears these sayings of Mine and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on a rock.
And the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house. And it did not fall, for it was
founded a rock. And every one who hears these sayings of Mine and does not do them will be likened to a foolish man
who built his house on the sand. And the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house.
And it fell. And its fall was great.”'
Matthew 7:24-27
Jesus gives us a change to make a decision to hear, believe, and do it Jesus' way.
The big question is how?
The answer is by knowing God, not having a head knowledge, a theology, but by knowing God, and having a daily praying relationship, where you talk to God and He talks to you when you
read His Word, the Bible. God is able to help you in that way. God is able to strengthen you in that way.
Do you really want to quit looking at porn? having affairs? I do. We are commanded to repent (change our mind, turn away from, confess, and forsake our sins),
and turn to God, trusting in God, hoping in God and God's promises.
If you do, I think you know what You must God because God has been trying to reach you and me in many circumstances, and specifically, in His Word.
If you need practical advice on how to leave the immoral women, read Proverbs 5-7, Matthew 5:27-30, and whatever else you can find in the Bible regarding how to find and follow after God.
Is that all? Where is God's agape love? Where is the comfort, the grace I need for my own healing? I'm very upset and discouraged and I feel is condemnation and 'do this' 'do that' what is the rest
and where is the serenity?
The answer to this real quesion is this. Understanding the God of the Bible and the good news, when you pray to God, you are seeking Him, you cry out to God, you pray from the heart, you tell God
what you need and seek God, wait on God to work and answer you. This is how. You might fast, you plead, you put God first from now until you die, and when God shows up, You will know because it was
who told you and not a mere man.
How do you know it was from God? Check the Bible and pray. God will confirm it in His Word. God is not going to lead you astray into some false teaching or heresy. You can read the Bible for yourself
and let the Bible give you a correct understanding, rather than listen to a bunch of teachers and not knowing exactly if they are speaking the truth, you yourself search for yourself, Isn't that what we are
supposed to do? God is our teacher, and yes, we do not those with gifts who can teach, preach, exhort, but we are also responsible to find God and seek after God and check and study the scriptures
like the Bareans to check if that is what the scriptures teach.
'“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me.
For I am meek and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”'
Matthew 11:28-30
Everytime, I am tempted to commit sexual immorality, idolatry, or hold a grudge against my wife for not being "there" for me (for sex), I hurt or feel some great negative emotions and thoughts, I can't bear it, so I need to go to Jesus Christ
That is the only way. Praying, crying out to God, reading and medidation on the Word of God.
I'l be honest, there have been times where I was not truly seeking recovery, yes, I went to meetings, and yes, I called people, but only to later claim "I went to meetings" and "I called my sponsor or accountability partner" as in some way to fool others and myself that "I was working the 12 steps or working my recovery program", This kind of 1/2 hearted thing which is not even Christ-centered will not work. Jesus said "Come to me".
Submit to the Lord
Surrender to Jesus Christ
Love Jesus
Trust in Jesus.
Follow Jesus like your soul depends on it because it actually does
Follow Jesus because You know He gots the best plans for you and all others are not going to work.
What about Christian ministries? Aren't they good? I think so, but, if we make man our center and not God, what else are we doing besides changing one idol of sex into an idol of a pastor or some famous person.
Paul said this.
'Who then is Paul, and who is Apollos, but ministers by whom you believed, even as the Lord gave to each one? I have planted,
Apollos watered, but God gave the increase. So then neither is he who plants nor he who waters anything, but God who gives the increase. '
1 Corinthians 3:5-7
If we are all brothers and sisters in Christ, then, we are only using what gifts and things and ministries that God has given to us. You and I both have different or the same gifts.
Ok, tell more of God's Agape love.
When we sinned, God loved us anyways, and sent His Son, God in the flesh, to die for you and me. Who would do that for you? Your wife? Your addiction? No way. Only God Himself.
Try to ask God to help you understand this. I will too as we medidate on it together.
'But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.'
Romans 5:8
If you put your name in there, it will make it more personal.
God demonstrated His own love (agape) toward (________) fill in the blank with your name, your wife's name, your enemies name. in that, while I (my name, my wife's name, my enemies name) was still a sinner, Christ died
for me (also my wife, and my enemies).
That's why, Jesus taught us to love our enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, those who hate you, why? Isn't that what God demonstrated to us?
Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And they divided His clothes by casting lots.
Luke 23:34 MEV
and we see this same agape love working in Stephen's heart at his death. Look.
'When they heard these things, they were cut to the heart, and they gnashed their teeth at him. But being full of the Holy Spirit, he
gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God, and said, “Look! I see the heavens opened
and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.” Then they cried out with a loud voice, closed their ears, and rushed at him in unison.
they threw him out of the city and stoned him. The witnesses laid down their garments at the feet of a young man named Saul. They stoned
Stephen as he was calling on God, praying, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” Then he knelt down and cried with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold
this sin against them.” Having said this, he fell asleep.'
Acts 7:54-60
How can I rightly do, or allow God to work in me to produce in me, with God's help, this amazing, agape love?
Jesus, God, died on the cross for us? In showing no hatred to those who hated Him, prayed for his enemies, us, and them, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do".
Even in his death, He prayed to God.
Stephen, was filled with the Holy Spirit, and prayed "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit and knelt down and cried in loud voice "Lord, do not hold this sin against them"
I'm trying to understand this great love. What is this all about? Do I know God? Do I know God as I ought? I don't know and I don't think I do.
I might know God, I think I do, but my sexual sins confuse me, and my lust hinders me. There is nothing good about it. Even when my wife tries to do nice things, I can't see it, because I'm blinding only looking
for love (aka sex). I'm not truly seeking the love of God (agape) but am trapped in seeking a flesh love (eros) kind of love, which is not enough and honeslty, it's not even a need. It's a want.
It it was a need, like bread and water, that is different. I don't "need" sex. I don't "need" hugs and kisses from my wife, I would love it and crave it, and guess what, a lot of wifes want this too, even after they know
their husband sex addiction problem, what kind of love is that? It's not the eros kind, but the agape kind, so we can see that God is working through our wifes, despite all their "whatever you call it" that I interpret as "attacking me"
or "hurting me" or "rejecting me". God is now opening my eyes, after reading the Bible, and hearing many stories of recovery among us who are married.
Any man that has a wife that is still with them, even after they (the wife) has discovered the porn addiction (adultery included) is blessed, and should not take her for granted. She is able to divorce but God hates it, so don't push
her to that extreme but all the little "relapses" are not really relapse but greedy, idolatry, adultury, not having a place in heave, not knowing Jesus, hurting my wife, and will end me in hell, loving my family,
all for what? A single pleasure? a cheep thrill from a women who is herself enslaved in sins and addictions, who feet lead to hell (Proverbs 5-7) who has rejected God and followed Satan.
But someone might say...
But what about the women at the well? who had 5 husbands and was living with the man was currently not her husband? How can you say she was following Satan?
But what about the women caught in the act of adultery, in John 8, when Jesus didn't condemn her but said "neither do I condemn you, go and sin now more"
Jesus did show mercy to the women in both instances....but here is the thing. I don't fully know any women's heart, but only what is revealed in scripture. So following the ways of this world, is
following Satan, regardless if it was mentioned or not. There are only two kinds of people, which are the saved and the lost. Combine those two immoral women in John 4 and John 8 to the
type of immoral women in Proverbs 5-7 or like Delilah in Samson's case, or like the immoral women in Genesis 39 who sexually went after Joseph.
Brining it all together. There are lost women who are living sexually impure lives.
and
There are types of immoral women who has no sense of righteousness and does it for her own pleasure.
Whether we are lost or a believer who is still trapped into sexual sins, we are, regardless, following the flesh, and following Satan, who is the one who comes to kill, steal and destroy
and we are doing that very work when we decide to commit adultery, watch porn and masturbate.
Whoever practices sin is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was revealed,
that He might destroy the works of the devil.
1 John 3:8 MEV
Now the works of the flesh are revealed, which are these: adultery, sexual immorality, impurity, lewdness,
Galatians 5:19 MEV
The night is far spent, the day is at hand. Therefore let us take off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light.
Romans 13:12 MEV
Ok, back to grace and God's goodness now. Sometimes I ask myself this question in light of examining myself.
Do I really understand God's grace? What does God's grace teach me? How do I rightly understand God's grace?
Here is what I found. These verses
'Do you despise the riches of His goodness, tolerance, and patience, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?'
Romans 2:4
'For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly desires, we should live
soberly, righteously, and in godliness in this present world, as we await the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and
Savior Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from all lawlessness and purify for Himself a special people, zealous of
good works. Teach these things, exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no one despise you.'
Titus 2:11-15
and not only that but this too.
'Beloved, while I diligently tried to write to you of the salvation we have in common, I found it necessary to write and appeal to you to contend for the
faith which was once delivered to the saints. For there are some men who secretly crept in, who were marked long ago for this condemnation.
They are ungodly men, who pervert the grace of our God into immorality and deny the only Lord God and our Lord Jesus Christ.'
Jude 1:3-4
Grace teaches us to repent, and to stop sinning and not use it as a license to sin.
Now, Grace also is not alone but tied to another attribute which is God's holiness.
Because if I focus on just one aspect of God, his love, and leave out the other part, his hatred of sins, I am not really telling you the full truth.
Perhaps, I am ignorant and I am, but perhaps, I don't know or understand yet what God is all about.
God is not going to let His people live in their sins.
Therefore consider the goodness and severity of God—severity toward those who fell, but goodness toward you, if you continue in His goodness.
Otherwise, you also will be cut off.
Romans 11:22 MEV
for whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and scourges every son whom He receives.”
Hebrews 12:6 MEV
“To the angel of the church of Ephesus write: “He who holds the seven stars in His right hand, who walks in the midst of the seven golden
candlesticks, says these things: I know your works, your labor and your patience, and that you cannot bear those who are evil. And you
have tested those who say they are apostles, but are not, and have found them to be liars. You have endured, and have been patient,
and for My name’s sake have labored and have not grown weary. “But I have something against you, that you have abandoned the love
you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen. Repent, and do the works you did at first, or else I will come to you
quickly and remove your candlestick from its place, unless you repent. But this you have: You hate the works of the Nicolaitans,
which I also hate. “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give permission to
eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the Paradise of God.'
Revelation 2:1-7
'“To the angel of the church in Pergamum write: “He who has the sharp two-edged sword says these things: I know your works and where you live,
where Satan’s throne is. Yet you hold firmly to My name, and did not deny My faith even in the days of Antipas, My faithful martyr, who was killed
among you, where Satan dwells. “But I have a few things against you: You have there those who hold the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to
cast a stumbling block before the children of Israel, to eat things sacrificed to idols and to commit sexual immorality. So you also have those who hold
the teaching of the Nicolaitans. Repent, or else I will come to you quickly and will war against them with the sword of My mouth. “He who has an ear,
let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give the hidden manna to eat. And I will give him a white stone, and on
the stone a new name written, which no one knows except he who receives it.'
Revelation 2:12-17
'“To the angel of the church in Thyatira write: “The Son of God, who has eyes like a flame of fire, and whose feet are like fine brass, says these things:
I know your works, love, service, faith, and your patience, and that your last works are more than the first. “But I have a few things against you:
You permit that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess, to teach and seduce My servants to commit sexual immorality and eat food sacrificed to idols.
I gave her time to repent of her sexual immorality, but she did not repent. Look! I will throw her onto a sickbed, and those who commit adultery with her into
great tribulation, unless they repent of their deeds. I will put her children to death, and all the churches shall know that I am He who searches the hearts and minds.
I will give to each one of you according to your deeds. “Now to you I say, and to the rest in Thyatira, as many as do not have this teaching, who have not known
what some call the ‘depths of Satan,’ I will put on you no other burden. But hold firmly what you have until I come. “To him who overcomes and keeps My works to
the end, I will give authority over the nations— He ‘shall rule them with a rod of iron; like the vessels of a potter they shall be broken in pieces’ —
even as I myself have received authority from My Father. And I will give him the morning star. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says
to the churches.'
Revelation 2:18-29
I am terrified of God, but not only that, I love God now more than before. I might sound like I'm boasting but right now I do love God and I am trying to prove it to myself and others that I do.
I give credit to God who helping me overcome my sexual addictions. God has helped me break free from pornography, massage parlors, prostitutes, affairs, and emotional affairs and God
is still loving me and working with me. I am not qualified to tell you how to live, I am only qualified to share with you the Bible and how it applies to me, and I hope it might also help someone
else who is trapped in sex sins, to find God, find God's deliverance, find God's agape love, and to keep close to Jesus Christ no matter what.
No amout of religious efforts helped me until I made a sincere pray to God from the heart and God working on me and in me. That will start a new life in Jesus Christ. To know that
Jesus Christ has died for your personal sins (all sexual immorality, all idolatry, all adultery, everything, all of it, done, paid for, nothing I can do to earn God's love), because God
loves me unconditionally. That is the primary truth I know now and have experienced. Theology didn't get me there, sure faith comes by hearing the Word of God, which leads me
to Jesus Christ in sincere prayers to the Lord. God is the One who does the work in the mind and heart. I'm still not perfect. I'm not some holy person now, although, I am learning
to submit all parts of my body, mind, soul, emotinos, spirit, and give my love, trust and obedience to God. I'm a broken man, still in need to great help from God now.
I still have moments of failure
self righteousness
pride
fear
anger
lust
But God has broken the chains, I can say now will full assurance that I am free, forgiven, and in the family of God, because of Jesus, not because of me. All I brought to the table was my own
sins and burdens and give them to God, and received God's mercy and forgiveness of sins, trusting in His Word that He did hear me and He did save me. I have to recognize daily that this is
how I my new life Jesus Christ will look like now.
'I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God,
who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God. For if righteousness comes by the law, then Christ died in vain.'
Galatians 2:20-21