Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jan 9, 2022 21:43:30 GMT -7
'Such are the paths of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the life of those who get it. ' Proverbs 1:19
my.bible.com/bible/111/PRO.1.19
When I read this verse today, I thought "my sexual sins are ill-gotten gain" and God's said to me "It will take your life"
What life?
After I have sinned I felt extreme depression and hopelessness. I am not suicidal but I think I can understand a little what they might be experiencing and you might too. Time after time, I fall down. Not recently in three weeks but still. I hate it that I am a recovering sex addict. I hate always wanting sex and feeling like nothing else matters. I am tried of my wife denying me sex and me judging her for it. I am just tired. I guess another word could be depressed and feeling hopelessness. Why does it seem that I "must" get sex for "happiness". I actually want more than sex, I want my wifes kind affections again, but I don't get so I am broken and dying inside. This how I feel. I so wish my wife was supportive of me and would "stand by me" as I hear other wives do and still. Those sex addicts are really blessed to have a wife that wants them still.
Just yesterday, I tried to hug my wife and she acts like I'm this sick, gross thing. "Shave your face, you smell, gross" and this in some joking cute way. Maybe my new sin is now envious. I hate it. A women would never make me happy, because my wife is not God and perhaps my struggle with sex addiction is related to how I am trying to get sex or emotions from God, instead of unconditional love from God alone. I do have a void, I admit it. My wife not in 1000 years will be able to fill my void. Orgasm? hah! That is not good enough. Hugs and kisses. Hah!, Still not good enough. I need God for sure. Anything else is not enough for me. I so crave from the bottom of my heart to be told "I love you, Dominc" but I know my wife is not the one now. Jesus has told me this over and over, yet, I disregard Him for another - silly me - idolary to my wife and idolatry to my own body parts. In a way, I just love God more than all others, to include my dear beautiful wife and of course my sick selfish body parts (flesh).
I am not teaching you, but teaching me and realizing that people are not enough. What will I do when my family and friends are gone? I look up to the sky and see God there, I feel loved by God. I am hungry for God now more than ever. I know God loves me, despite how I feel. I hate myself and who I have become.
a seething monster? yes, that is me
a pervert? yes, me too
someone might say "oh you are being too hard on yourself" I disagree. If my sins put Jesus on the cross, then I deserve that, a crucifiction. I hate self-righteous people because I am self-righteous, but I confess I am nothing. I know God loves me, but I don't feel it. I want to smile, feel good, seem happy, but I can't put on a mask. When others ask me "How are you?" of course I lie, "Oh I'm fine" why would I tell them my heart, they don't trust me and I don't trust them. I only trust a few guys on here.
God knows anyways.
Ill-gotten gain (sexual sins / porn / affairs) take my life away, to the abyss.
God, please help me, like You have helped so many others. Please show us how great and merciful You are. Lord, I don't understand and I know You love me, help me to feel it since I am rejected a lot. In Jesus' name. Amen.
my.bible.com/bible/111/PRO.1.19
When I read this verse today, I thought "my sexual sins are ill-gotten gain" and God's said to me "It will take your life"
What life?
After I have sinned I felt extreme depression and hopelessness. I am not suicidal but I think I can understand a little what they might be experiencing and you might too. Time after time, I fall down. Not recently in three weeks but still. I hate it that I am a recovering sex addict. I hate always wanting sex and feeling like nothing else matters. I am tried of my wife denying me sex and me judging her for it. I am just tired. I guess another word could be depressed and feeling hopelessness. Why does it seem that I "must" get sex for "happiness". I actually want more than sex, I want my wifes kind affections again, but I don't get so I am broken and dying inside. This how I feel. I so wish my wife was supportive of me and would "stand by me" as I hear other wives do and still. Those sex addicts are really blessed to have a wife that wants them still.
Just yesterday, I tried to hug my wife and she acts like I'm this sick, gross thing. "Shave your face, you smell, gross" and this in some joking cute way. Maybe my new sin is now envious. I hate it. A women would never make me happy, because my wife is not God and perhaps my struggle with sex addiction is related to how I am trying to get sex or emotions from God, instead of unconditional love from God alone. I do have a void, I admit it. My wife not in 1000 years will be able to fill my void. Orgasm? hah! That is not good enough. Hugs and kisses. Hah!, Still not good enough. I need God for sure. Anything else is not enough for me. I so crave from the bottom of my heart to be told "I love you, Dominc" but I know my wife is not the one now. Jesus has told me this over and over, yet, I disregard Him for another - silly me - idolary to my wife and idolatry to my own body parts. In a way, I just love God more than all others, to include my dear beautiful wife and of course my sick selfish body parts (flesh).
I am not teaching you, but teaching me and realizing that people are not enough. What will I do when my family and friends are gone? I look up to the sky and see God there, I feel loved by God. I am hungry for God now more than ever. I know God loves me, despite how I feel. I hate myself and who I have become.
a seething monster? yes, that is me
a pervert? yes, me too
someone might say "oh you are being too hard on yourself" I disagree. If my sins put Jesus on the cross, then I deserve that, a crucifiction. I hate self-righteous people because I am self-righteous, but I confess I am nothing. I know God loves me, but I don't feel it. I want to smile, feel good, seem happy, but I can't put on a mask. When others ask me "How are you?" of course I lie, "Oh I'm fine" why would I tell them my heart, they don't trust me and I don't trust them. I only trust a few guys on here.
God knows anyways.
Ill-gotten gain (sexual sins / porn / affairs) take my life away, to the abyss.
God, please help me, like You have helped so many others. Please show us how great and merciful You are. Lord, I don't understand and I know You love me, help me to feel it since I am rejected a lot. In Jesus' name. Amen.
