Help needed with social situations

Will,

You raise a very good topic that many don't offer a lot of good solutions.

The number of women that I've lusted after runs in the millions. And it didn't matter if the women were old, young, single, married, heavy, skinny, bald, etc. I desperately lusted after every woman. And it was an obsession that I could not stop. I wanted to, but I was trapped. I had no control.

First, God led me to understand that this behavior was rooted in toxic shame, which led me to seek validation from others, particularly sexual validation from women. I cannot say this is true for everyone. I'm just sharing my experience.

Second, because of my toxic shame, God helped me to understand that it wasn't going to be enough to just stop using mainstream pornography. All lust and fantasy had to go. This part, I believe, should apply to all users. In order to break free from this addiction, one must be ready to rid all forms of lust in his life. Because what is the difference between lusting after a woman in church and lusting after a woman in an XXX movie? All lust is porn, and thus, sin. I'm not saying this to cause any shame because I know that users lust out of compulsion, not due to lack of moral beliefs. Users are trapped, in bondage, and unable to stop. And when the dopamine generated from lust and fantasy is not enough, the flesh craves more, and seeks out harder forms of porn to get the same fix and relief from cravings.

I'm going to stop here for now. It's a good stopping point. I've got to pick up my son from his work now. So I'll continue in another post. Great issue, by the way. Thanks for bringing it up and sharing.

Okay, it's time to continue. First of all, Will, I think it's great that you're choosing to address this part of your addiction. I'm sure you're well aware by now that if this behavior continues, relapse into higher forms of porn is inevitable.

Now, I'm going to start by saying that I'm not going to reset my counter if I submit to fantasy or lust on a given day. I'm still choosing to define my sobriety date based on the last time I reached level 9 or 10 on my Toxicity Level meter. But I am going to encourage greater scrutiny on keeping good custody of my eyes and mind.

This has been a big stumbling block for me. Until I'm ready to stop all forms of porn, I'm still doing mini "act outs". I'm still giving myself a rush of dopamine. I'm still on the hamster wheel of porn. The best I've been able to do is slow down, maybe stop for a period. But the cycle of act out, crave, act out, crave, still continues. I've just managed to extend my periods of withdrawal in between sessions. But it's not freedom. It's a miserable existence.

So how do I stop lusting after the woman around me?

It helps me to understand that when I lust, fantasize, crave, it's an indication that my subconscious, my soul, is attributing my addiction as something that has a lot of value. I'll say it again.

When I lust or fantasize, it's evidence that my soul sees porn as something with value.

Yet, the truth is that porn has no value. It has no benefits. With all the lusting that I've committed, the only thing I got in return was frustration, shame, moodiness, irritability, etc.

I'm going to keep recommending those here to read Frasier Patterson's guide, EasyPeasy. It doesn't excellent job of breaking down porn's overvalue that a user is tricked into holding onto. The only problem I might have with it is that Patterson invites the reader to have one last session after getting through most of the book. I didn't do that, and the author later states that it's not fully necessary.

When I'm in public, what works best for me is to not look at women at all unless I'm directly interacting with them. Why should I? They're not looking at me. It's hard for me to lust after them if I'm not looking at them. This might take some practice. The fact is, even though I know that lust has no value, my flesh is still weak. My mind is fragile. So too much visual stimuli regardless of the intent will cause my brain to overheat. Women are beautiful. They cannot help it. So I'm still careful about what I expose my mind and my eyes to. Not taking proper care of my mind and eyes is what got me in trouble to begin with. I went to the grocery store this morning, and I didn't look at any woman. I went to church yesterday. I looked at the women that I interacted with and I kept eye contact, but I didn't lust after anyone. But I'm avoiding places like the beach or pool. There's too much chance of my eyes being overstimulated. So if my girls want to go swimming, I'll offer other solutions. Or I'll take them to a place where I know there's not a lot of people.

Besides, I don't think a lot of women appreciate being lusted after for their body parts. Knowing that they're more than just physical bodies, I find that I can see them better when I don't look at them.

I hope some of this helps.
Congratulations on the 6 weeks. That's awesome.

Thanks Kevin! Yeah that helps. I also have to keep my eyes completely away from attractive women - that's the only thing that works for me so far. The problem I'm having atm is when I go into social situations where I am called upon to interact with them. Eye contact is a good one! I will try and really focus on that. But you can't just stare into someone's eyes for the whole time you're talking to them!! This incident that really upset me I was having a convo with the Pastor and a young couple who have just joined the Church. It was a great and interesting convo. For some reason while we were talking my eyes just darted there! So ashamed. I'll try staring at peoples' eyes. What worries me is the idea that there's this pent up stuff 'in there' that is acting out without me even being aware of it, speaking to a deeper issue that I haven't dealt with yet. Hopefully this problem will go away soon.