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Post by greentree on Oct 11, 2021 8:19:36 GMT -7
After enduring living with someone addicted to porn for 10 years I wonder about something in regards to getting back to having a happy relationship again of trust, balanced give and take, and satisfaction.
When you think he is doing well again and want intimacy to progress, is it the man who should be doing the pursuing and favors to win her back? My guy seems to think women are the pursuers and should make it clear what they want. I really think porn makes guys think this way because women are portrayed to be very aggressive and dominant ( I think). He doesn’t agree of course. If I am in the wrong I would sure like to know so I can prayerfully consider how I may change my own behavior. I am having a hard enough time feeling good about my own sexuality again much less figure out what I can do to entice him more. If anyone can help me out with this I would be very grateful. Thank you.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2021 22:10:13 GMT -7
I also try to pursue my wife and she often rejects me. Sometimes I wait for her and I'm available. I'm the addict, she is the broken one whom I hurt and am trying to rebuild trust. If he off his addiction, then you and become more and more appealing and desirable to him. That is for me anyway.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2021 0:49:36 GMT -7
A relationship should be give and take on both sides. If you want intimacy, initiate it. Be clear in what you want with your husband. Unfortunately men are fairly dense when it comes to reading minds and taking hints.
Jesus taught me to be open in communicating my wants and needs to my husband and in doing so the rebuffs became fewer and he became more loving and open to cuddling and touching. The sex became more than just sex. It's actually spiritual and what true love making is. We connect on a very deep level that neither of us has ever experienced.
I know you have been hurt with his porn addiction. So my advice is to go to Christ. Ask Him how you are to proceed. He may very well have you do something different. He knows your husband and He knows you. What worked for me may not work for you.
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Post by Will on Oct 19, 2021 3:32:23 GMT -7
Hi greentree! For what it's worth (I'm not in a relationship at the moment!) I agree it's the man who should initiate, ideally. But I think Amy's advice above is fantastic and blessed. we men are quite inept when it comes to this. Because it means so much to us we often trip over ourselves and read signals wrong. I sympathise that you really want him to be the leader, but we're not in a perfect world I guess...
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Post by greentree on Nov 8, 2021 5:49:10 GMT -7
So, I've been trying to create a meaningful close relationship with him but he never fully reciprocates. Now I know why. Got up early to look at his phone which I hadn't done in a few months (because I chose to trust him) and what did I find? He's very active on a hook up site corresponding with many women on what he's planning to do to and for them sexually. I'm so sick at heart I just want to die. I'm too old to start over and I do not have money. Wow. Just wow.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 8, 2021 8:10:32 GMT -7
I'm sad to hear this. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Confront him. This cannot continue. I cannot see any hope of your relationship succeeding while he's still trapped in porn and fornication. Porn is not sex nor is it love. I cannot see how any wife can compete with it while the husband is still trapped. It's sad that most porn users really want to stop, but can't and don't know how. So the cycle continues as relationships are destroyed in the process. But it's true that many have stopped and are living full, complete lives. God is bigger than all of this. Your husband can get better. He shouldn't give up. But he does need to try a different approach because what he's doing now is not working. God, I pray for greentree and her husband. Please offer direction, guidance, and wisdom. Help them to not lose hope. Provide a path for the husband so that he can escape the trap that he is in. Strengthen greentree. Help her to see how much she is loved. Her her through all of this pain that she's feeling. May this be turned around someday so that this can be seen as a testimony of your great love and power. We pray this in Jesus' name. Amen. Thank you for sharing. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2021 20:10:31 GMT -7
Amen Kevin, thanks for praying for her and her marriage. greentree do you think your home church pastor can talk with him? It helped our marriage but our situation was a little difficult. I hope he has a desire to quit. Not only for your marriage sake but also Jesus' warnings in Matthew 5:27-30. The warnings of God are strong but necessary, I know for my like, I need this harsh reality. Then when he is humbled, God's grace of unconditional love will definately heal him and he will stop seeking pleasure in junk and only be happy with you. |
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Post by amymine712 on Nov 9, 2021 19:32:53 GMT -7
So, I've been trying to create a meaningful close relationship with him but he never fully reciprocates. Now I know why. Got up early to look at his phone which I hadn't done in a few months (because I chose to trust him) and what did I find? He's very active on a hook up site corresponding with many women on what he's planning to do to and for them sexually. I'm so sick at heart I just want to die. I'm too old to start over and I do not have money. Wow. Just wow. I am sorry sweet sister. Please spend time with Christ. Get with Him and figure out what you are to do. Follow what He tells you to do. Don't let fear hold you back. If He tells you to stay and confront your husband, then do it. If He tells you to go, He will provide the way for you to go. There will be help in unexpected ways. I send my love, prayers and support your way. Christ loves you and He is hurting and grieving with you. Go to Him. |
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Post by greentree on Nov 21, 2021 16:54:34 GMT -7
Thanks to those who responded to my plight! I will take to heart all you conveyed to me. He is trying now to rectify things by cleaning up his office, putting a bible out and Mike's book. He got an accountability partner (online) hasn't talked to him yet but I am once again very cautiously optimistic. He watches Joyce Meyers every morning with me and seems to get a lot out of it. Takes notes. But I have been thru this before with him, making a big attempt but it doesn't last for more than a few months. I know I should pray more with him, laying on of hands, out loud. I had told him the time before last that I wouldn't even discuss this again if he did it again. Here I am still hanging in there waiting to see if he will transform. I even checked out new places to live online. My question now is am I enabling him by staying when he never follows through for more than about 3 months. I sometimes feel like I am wasting the remaining years of my life with someone who cheats, lies, and devalues me by seeking intimate relations with a stranger rather than me. I will keep praying and hoping God will work this out. Thank you again all who care.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 22, 2021 6:25:37 GMT -7
Well, I think he's trying. I really don't think he's doing all this to pull the wool over your eyes so that he can continue pursuing fornication behind your back. He really wants to stop.
The problem is he can't and he doesn't know how. He is addicted. He is trapped. And because we're all different and have unique underlying issues, what works for one person may not work for another. Right now, he's going through the withdrawal phase. I'm sure he's thinking thoughts of living a life of deprivation because his soul thinks it's missing out. Even though that's a lie, That's what addiction and being in bondage to sin does. I have compassion and pity for him.
I think of myself, chronically relapsing for decades. And looking back, God, not once, condemned me. Because He know I was trapped, in bondage, suffering from a root of toxic shame that I've carried since I was a baby. And I was trying. God knows I was trying. Why can't I just stop? Even after losing a marriage and getting arrested, it still wasn't enough to stop me. And I caused so much harm to others. And I really wanted to stop.
Anyways, there's a ton of resources that your husband should look into. Having only one accountability partner to beat this is like trying to win a game of basketball against Michael Jordan or Lebron James. I'm not as optimistic as you are. I think he's going to need to humble himself and get more help. And this is not something that you can do for him. You're not going to be able to love him out of this. He's got to want this for himself and be intrinsically motivated to change.
He can join SAA, SA, or SLAA.
There's also Celebrate Recovery
And there's also Reformers Unanimous. Plus, there's a bunch of online groups.
Mike Genung, the founder of Blazing Grace, offers an 8 week course for men trapped in porn addiction. He also offers a 10 week course for wives.
Wives have their own recovery to work on too. Because much of the wife's pain is from past pain brought into the relationship. I'm not minimizing what the husband does. He's doing damage to his marriage, family, God, and others around him.
Anyways, don't lose hope. He should keep seeking for answers and never give up. Please keep us posted. Thanks
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Post by amymine712 on Nov 23, 2021 9:30:43 GMT -7
Thanks to those who responded to my plight! I will take to heart all you conveyed to me. He is trying now to rectify things by cleaning up his office, putting a bible out and Mike's book. He got an accountability partner (online) hasn't talked to him yet but I am once again very cautiously optimistic. He watches Joyce Meyers every morning with me and seems to get a lot out of it. Takes notes. But I have been thru this before with him, making a big attempt but it doesn't last for more than a few months. I know I should pray more with him, laying on of hands, out loud. I had told him the time before last that I wouldn't even discuss this again if he did it again. Here I am still hanging in there waiting to see if he will transform. I even checked out new places to live online. My question now is am I enabling him by staying when he never follows through for more than about 3 months. I sometimes feel like I am wasting the remaining years of my life with someone who cheats, lies, and devalues me by seeking intimate relations with a stranger rather than me. I will keep praying and hoping God will work this out. Thank you again all who care. You know what you need to do. You said it above. Pray with him more...lay hands on him. Do it hon. Your prayers will help tremendously. Yes your hubby has free will but prayer changes things because when it is scripturally based it will never return void. Look up positive scriptures to speak over him as you pray with him. You are a fighter at heart and right now you are fighting for your husband and your marriage. Time to armor up and go to war. Prayer is your greatest weapon. |
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