How to got to where I am today

I had to hit rock bottom, because nothing worked. I couldn't keep it a secret anymore. God got me humbled. That was about 5 years ago. Today, I am learning to love my wife as my one true love. No more porn, masturbation, etc. Why? it's an easy choice but the willingness and power is what I lack.

I know the Bible very well, but just knowing a scripture will not be enough. I have to be a 'hearer' and 'doer' of the Word.

Ok. How?

My favorite is Psalms 51.

Even now, when I feel my heart getting cold, and indifferent (I don't care about God so much, and reading the Bible), I have to stop, repent, confess, pray to God.

I even have to do that right now.

When I read the Bible, I have to read it slowly, and not rush through it. Today, I read three chapters, but I didn't read it yesterday so I'm trying to make up for a day lost. Yesterday, I was so stressed and I know it's not an excuse but I didn't read the Bible yesterday. Today, I actually read "yesterdays" Bible reading. So I am seeing a trend that this is not good for me already.

I know that if I read the Bible, I mean, want to read it, want to please the Lord, want to learn what I'm reading, want to submit to it, want to treasure the Word of God, and it will change me to want to know God and love God. This is how I practice my Christianity.

I'm very sinful. At work, I argued with a co-worker about his sexual joking. I am tempted to be bitter and hold a grudge. I'm sick of him always trying to say things purposely to make me upset. He constantly is hostile to me. The Lord is working on me to forgive him, to let it go, and to love him.

I have "no power" to do that. Natually, I want revenge, but I know that is not the way, and not what God wants.

Wasn't God good to me?

Hasn't God blessed me?

Well then....

Why can't I forgive?

Why can't I let it go?

It's like the parable of the wicked servant who beats his servant who was forgiven of his debts by the King.

I am the wicked servant who "beats" others as in 'holding grudges' and 'not forgiving' them.

I'm such a bad example.

God please help me.

I want to follow God for real, but I have no power inside me. Just inner hatred, just inside grudges.

Why can't I get rid of this?

I don't have advice or a remedy, but I know I can take this to Jesus and somehow it will be ok.

Somehow, the Lord will work on me and in me, to enable me to forgive him from the heart.

I am awaiting that day and I don't blame God either. I know it's my sins and my natural unlovingness that is holding this grudge.

Lord, I want to let this go in the name of Jesus. God help me. I will not hold his grudge to him anymore. I forgive him Jesus, just like You forgave me.

Lord, I am a sinner and I need Your forgiveness. Please have mercy on me, and help me to have mercy on this co-worker who is hostile to me.

Please help me to be nice to him and love him and think and work for his good.

Thank you God for being a good God, a true and loving God. Thank you Jesus.

Thank you for taking the burden away.

My heart is soft now.

Please help me to be nice to my wife and children, not quick-tempered.

Lord, I am so easily quick-tempered and I need help.

Lord, I am so prideful and I need help. Please forgive me because I am proud.

I'm proud because I think I'm doing the right ways and others aren't and I feel like I'm better than them. Lord, I'm miserable in this, I hate this proud heart I have. Please help me Lord. You are good and righteous. I'm guilty, and self-righteous. Please forgive me Jesus.

Please help me not to be lazy. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

I'm happy for this place, and the brothers and sisters here. I have come a long way, and hopefully will keep going and stay strong for Jesus.

Part of my recovery has a lot to do with my wife and her heart. I can't believe she forgive me and took me back even after all I did to her. How much more is God's love to me? Why do I doubt? I am so dumb for doubting God.

God please forgive me.