KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on May 17, 2021 13:35:37 GMT -7
I just read a book that completely has shattered my world and my paradigm. In a good sense. It explains why I'm a chronic relapser.
Why my relationships with women have suffered.
Why my sex life is poor.
Why my sex life was non-existent in my first marriage.
And why I became sexually anorexic with my second wife and my existing marriage.
And explains why the best years of my recovery was when I was celibate for 2 years while attending SLAA.
And why I seem to live an unhappy boring existence.
And why I've worked at a job that I detest for so long.
And it explains my relationship with religion and with God.
And it explains why I smile and laugh so much and act so goofy.
And why I make such inappropriate jokes.
And it explains why I'm such a people pleaser.
I avoid conflict.
And I never speak up for myself.
And why I'm emotionally and socially anorexic.
And why I'm unattractive to women.
And why I pursue pornography and prostitutes.
And why I white knuckled through most of my recovery for the past 30 years.
And why the 12 steps have never worked.
And why much religious teaching never worked.
I have just discovered that my disease, the root of my addiction, is what's called nice guy syndrome.
The book, No More Mr Nice guy, was written by Dr Robert Glover. And although I've read many books about sexual addiction. Books by Mark Lasser and Patrick Carnes and all the 12-step literature from AA, SLAA, SA, SAA, Celebrate Recovery, Reformers Unanimous. All of them fall short when compared to Robert Glover's book. In fact, Nice Guy syndrome is such a prevalent part of my sickness, that I'm shocked that this syndrome has not been discussed a whole lot in the sexual addiction community.
Dr Glover summarizes nice guy syndrome with having the following traits.
Nice guys are givers.
Nice guys fix and caretake.
Nice guys seek approval from others.
Nice guys avoid conflict.
Nice guys believed that they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
Nice guys seek the "right" way to do things.
Nice guys repress their feelings.
Nice guys often try to be different than their fathers.
Nice guys are often more comfortable relating to women than men.
Nice guys have difficulty making their needs a priority.
Nice guys often make their partner their emotional center.
Nice guys are dishonest.
Nice guys are secretive.
Nice guys are compartmentalized.
Nice guys are manipulative.
Nice guys are controlling.
Nice guys give to get.
Nice guys are passive aggressive.
Nice guys are full of rage.
Nice guys are addictive ( usually sexually addictive).
Nice guys have difficulty setting boundaries.
Nice guys are frequently isolated.
Nice guys are often attracted to people or situations that need fixing.
Nice guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships.
Nice guys have issues with sexuality.
Nice guys are usually only relatively successful.
I'm telling you the truth. I am the poster boy of nice guy syndrome. I have every single one of these traits except for one. Nice guy syndrome is extremely common. Lots of men in this world suffer the same way that I do. But that wasn't always the case. Nice guy syndrome has really only been around for the last 40 to 50 years.
I will be talking about this a lot. Because there's enough in here for me to work on for the rest of my life. But one thing is for certain. If I don't address this nice guy syndrome inside myself, it will continue to permeate throughout my whole entire being which will result in my chronic relapsing and white knuckling.
I expect this process to be messy. I might even re-repeat things that I've mentioned before, over and over again. This is going to take me to a different direction than what I've been currently doing. And it's going to challenge some old ideas that I've held on to. It might even challenge some ideas on people reading this. And I encourage those people to disagree with me. I don't expect this to turn out perfect. But it's time that I stop being so weak, such a pushover, not having any sense of self, always going along with everyone else's opinion and not having one of my own. I'm like a chameleon. It's like I'm a double agent except that the only allegiance that I have is to the toxic shame within myself.
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KevinesKay
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Posts: 1,754
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on May 18, 2021 21:39:13 GMT -7
How did I get here?
Nice guy Syndrome guys are victims of abandonment. Now, abandonment can manifest in many different ways. But in my case, my abandonment issues are due to the result of my father physically leaving the home.
From now on, I'm going to abbreviate Nice Guy Syndrome as NGS.
I had a long talk with my mom almost 30 years ago when I first joined SAA. She mentioned that my first year of life was great. Although, my father was contemplating leaving a few years prior, he recommitted himself to my mom and my sister who was 4 years older than me. According to mom, he shared that he chose to stay. And that he wanted to be a good husband and a good father.
He eventually left us for another woman. Her name was Pat. She seemed like a tramp. She was a single mom with 4 kids with different men. I was 1 year old when he left...
He was still in my life. My sister and I visited him every other weekend. I don't have any memories before 3, but I understand that at that tender age, I knew what was going on.
Children under 5 are 1) helpless and 2) egocentric.
At that age, abandonment is death. And because I'm egocentric, I develop a sense that something must be wrong with me. I believe that I'm bad, worthless, and unlovable. This is known as toxic shame.
It's due to this toxic shame that I formed 3 strategies.
1) I needed to medicate from the pain of the original event of abandonment. So I used sex fantasies at an early age.
2) I needed to appear perfect so that the traumatic event doesn't repeat itself.
3) I needed to hide any character flaws. Otherwise, people will reject me.
It's this paradigm, this distorted view of reality, that NGS guys hold onto throughout their life. As an NGS guy, I believe that if I'm "nice", which means doing all the right things, coming off as perfect, and hiding my defects of character,
then I will get the love that I want, have my needs met, and live in a problem-free world.
But it doesn't work. It's a faulty paradigm. And a faulty paradigm leads to a faulty life.
I've learned about 4 core beliefs that sex addicts have to overcome from Mark Lasser back in 1993.
* I am a horrible worthless person
* No one will be around to meet my needs
* Sex is equal to love
* Sex is my most important need
This shows a lot of commonality with NGS.
At the time, focusing on my sex addiction seemed like the right option for me. What I wasn't aware is that my sex addiction (and also my emotional, social, and love anorexia) we're all by-products of my NGS and the toxic shame that it's rooted in... Covered with my pride...
And this condition not only affects my sexuality, but every part of me, my whole personality is intertwined with NGS. And yet, as I did my fourth step with my sponsor, back in 1994, many of the positive, good traits I listed for myself comprised of my kindness, my patience, generosity, my smile, and my sense of humor. Yet, looking back, I'm aware that these were also simply by-products of my NGS.
Dealing with NGS means I have to deal with all of it's behaviors, not just the sexual ones. If I just cut out the acting out, I'm still living in toxic shame. And it's manifesting in my relationships, in my striving to be perfect, and in my own personal feeling of self-hatred and low self-worth. Thus, I continue to white knuckle until I give in and act out sexually.
And as an NGS GUY, my only strategy in response to relapse is to try harder. I believe that I must not have done it perfectly. Otherwise, I'd be sober. But who does a perfect program? Nobody.
My ex saw the damage before we split in 1997. She mentioned that something really bad must have happened to me when I was young. Because she saw me try harder than anybody she knew to do the program right. I was going to 5 meetings a week at that time. And yet I was still craving all the time and relapsing. My resolve to do the program perfect was just another extension of my NGS. And to be honest, the things I was doing to stop my behavior were just as bad as my behavior. Because all of it has been rooted in my NGS.
My ex was right, something bad did happen. My dad left, plain and simple. And it changed my paradigm to one that was faulty which has led to a faulty life.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,754
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on May 19, 2021 7:35:14 GMT -7
I need to correct what I mentioned before. I said that NGS was not around 50 years ago. That's not true. There have always been weak men with no sense of self; having low self esteem, trying to please everyone and constantly seeking validation from others, especially women. I said that this would get messy.
But I do believe that NGS is more common than ever before. Some things that have contributed to this I believe, are the following:
An increase in divorce.
A transition from an agricultural economy to a more urban culture. Previously, more men were working at home like on a farm, where they were continuously with their children. But later, a shift occurred where more men went off to work and spent less time at home with their families.
An increase in single mothers.
An increase in the absence of fathers in the home.
The rise of pornography in our culture.
The rise of radical feminism which sends a lot of negative messages to men. (Statements such as men are chauvinist pigs or dogs or misogynistic are quite common.)
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,754
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on May 21, 2021 7:01:40 GMT -7
Being that my sex addiction and my social and emotional anorexia are extensions of something deeper, my NGS and my toxic shame, it's important that I match my recovery strategy accordingly. If I treat the symptoms, I'm still sick.
I'm completely supportive of how others are going to do their program of recovery differently then me. I'm okay with the 12 steps. They've helped a lot of people. And I believe they've helped me, to an extent.
But I believe my program is going to have to look a bit different. A big thing in NGS is my desire to seek validation from others in just about everything I do, say, don't do, or don't say. It's based on the toxic shame inside. So a huge part of my program will be about seeking validation from the one person that matters a lot, myself.
I have to demonstrate that I have value; that I'm a person with self-worth. I have to demonstrate self-love. If I cannot love myself, then how am I truly going to be able to love anyone else? And this is one of those things that God is not going to do for me. He's provided everything that I need to make that happen. He's not just going to "zap" me into loving myself.
Many people have no problem accepting their self worth. They speak up for themselves. They treat themselves to nice things. They make known what they want. Being a Christian, I still notice that others at church don't submit to God at the expense of themselves. Toxic shame and low self-worth is not in their vocabulary.
If I treat myself with high value, others around me will respect me more. If I treat myself like the city dump, then others around me will tend to treat me with less value.
I'm not going to speak for everyone else or anyone else. I can only speak for myself. It's up to me to determine what is going to work in my life. I cannot just blindly go along with what others say I have to do. There are plenty of people out there who will tell me who I am and what I should do with my life. And most of those people are wrong...
God gave me a brain. He knows that I ultimately have to decide how I choose to conduct myself. If He leads me down a certain path, it's in my best interest for me to follow; even if it's not the path that others are taking.
I am tired of being someone else to please someone else.
And if I don't address the whole spectrum of my NGS, which includes
* Not taking good care of myself
* Not being vocal about my own needs and desires
* Avoiding conflict by not speaking up for what I believe
* Not being assertive when someone crosses my boundaries
* Constantly seeking approval and validation from others
* Lying to others to appear better than I actually am.
If I don't seriously take action in my life to deal with these things, then I WILL continue to white knuckle my sex addiction recovery AND it will lead to relapse.
It raises the question for me.
Where's the choice? If I'm not aware of this deeper root behind my sex addiction then how is it a choice to not act out? If I never found this root, I would have continued to white knuckle my program indefinitely. Many of you witnessed me pretty much white knuckle my way to 200+ days of sobriety each time only to wipe out in the end. One cannot white knuckle indefinitely. In my case, acting out is inevitable. It's not a question of if it's going to happen, but when. Sooner or later, my white knuckling was going to lead to relapse. Period. There's no choice in that.
And as an NGS guy, I have one main strategy when I face failure...
TRY HARDER
I confess that I've been acting insane in my program, doing the same thing over again expecting different results. I confess that I was doing the same thing but tweaking things around a little to deceive myself into thinking that I was doing something different. When instead, I was falling for my perfectionism; this NGS trait that says to me that I have to do things perfectly. Otherwise, I won't succeed on my program. And thus, I won't have the love that I want, I'll get my needs met, and I'll finally get to live in a problem-free world.
Instead of trying harder, I should have been...
TRYING DIFFERENT
It's also interesting to note that the only thing that told me that something was still wrong was my relapses. I do believe that relapses are not an attribute of recovery, but of addiction. But without them, how would I know about this deeper issue? How would I continue to soul search until I'm able to expose the root? Is it possible that, in my case,
RELAPSE IS A PART OF RECOVERY?
In my case, I believe it is.
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2021 1:39:27 GMT -7
Hello brother, I remember a time when I told my mental health counselor about my issue at work where I had to stand up for myself at work and was told to 'describe', express, assert, and reinforece. I couldn't remember the 'r' in the DEAR approach (describe, explain, etc) and found a to this thing creatingapositivefuturecurriculum.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/dear-man.pdfDEAR approach I remember that I did "explain" to my boss that it bothered me I expressed my feelings I asserted etc etc.. I try to use approach in my life now, this was what I learned in 2006 and I still remembered it. I can't see how it wasn't the Lord who reminded me when I read your post. You have the right to explain yourself to whomever is bothering you, even me or anyone. I have to learn again how to do this "without" getting offended because I have such sensitive around "sounds" (I have chewing noises, even my own), "controversial things (at work), bible understandings (oh man, dont' get me started  ) it has helped. When I get mad, I know I'm "in the wrong" too because, I recall a Bible version that says "If I don't have love I have nothing"....bam, in my face. Also, I recall lots of times when someone told me the "right" thing but in the "wrong" attitude so consequently, I rejected it, even if it was a Bible verse. I"m talking about if my wife and I argue and she was right to rebuke me , but in her zeal was raising her voice and yelling at me, which I took it as "unloving" and "in the way" so I "rejected her" actually rejecting God through her. God wanted to help me through her, but I didn't listen, hardened my heart, adn found my "reason" was "my wife" which is just an 'excuse'. Satan is laughing at me now. So, I know this is a trick of Satan now. Satan is trying to kill, steal, destroy me, and I am too simple and dumb to see it. I am blinding with my 'self-righteousness' so I fight with my wife. My problem a lot if that I raise my voice and I don't even know it until she tells me to calm down, then I have to forcefully talk low, which feels awkward, and validates now to me that I was raising my voice and I was in the wrong and I had no love, or didn't express love (kindness, gentleness) so I my Bible quoting self was talking wrong. I think Satan was working through me, I mean, not in demon possession, but to get me all wild, angry, quoting Bible verses in order to "make me do what I say" instead of listening to my wife, working with her toward a common goal, laying down my rights, my will, and doing it for Jesus. I'm not talking about a "nice guy symdrome" here. I do want to tell my wife my thoughts, but in love, and I fail because I"m too much. Also, I hope you don't think I'm trying to tell you what you should do, I'm not able to. One sex addict counselor who also was a pastor told me this. "You have to find out what is making you act out, and get to the root of it, or it will keep happening" and that is true. It's kind of what you are saying. Yes, I am a sinner. check. Yes, I like looking at women, check. but why..... Here is what I found about me, What I seek in the foreign women (attention, positive, togetherness (not sex), and validation and love, not just love, but unconditional love, a love that never fails, always wants me, always needs me, always will be faithful to me, and yes, sex).... I really want from my wife (I do want her attention, her positiveness, togetherness (not sex), and validation and love...but this is only conditional...Why do I say that? Because there are many many times, when she can't give me anything, and it's mostly me, I'm making her upset that day, and I ruin my chances at having "young couple puppy love" night and I'm sleeping on the couch....and I am ripped inside...(THAT) is why I keep acting out. Well, it was the reason years ago. That was the reason I was seeking a masssage parlor as a girlfriend or a prostitute as a next new wife. I wanted so much to find my new soul mate. God showed me that "my lust" killed my affection for my wife. Those other women were not even prettier than my wife. They were only "foreign" and "unknown" which was the oil on the lust fire. I realize now that my wife is pretty and hot and those other women, were not for me at all. Now, when my wife "rejects" me for sex, Oh yeah, I'm hurt, but I start to do this now. "Lord, if this is not to happen, then let it be done according to Your will. Lord, I want sex with my wife, I want to see her smile and her love and not just sex but I want her to my a happy wife to me, but if I can't have her that way now, then Lord, I will wait and die to myself and please change her to make her love me again. Lord, please help me to be sober and strong and not demand her sex like it's a right because I give up my rights in order to know You more through this suffering and this happens for a reason. Please help me, Lord, I forgive my wife, and please forgive me for being nasty and mean to her. In Jesus' name. Amen." That is what I do. A few times, I prayed the next few days. Oh happy day. Sometimes I pray, and give up, then sleep. Next morning, "Good Morning babe, I love you" and I give her a little peck on the cheek, still giving up my rights to "I should get sex" and keep trying to serve Jesus the best way I can. I try to remember others who have gone through these trials because I draw strength from remembering them. People like Joseph who didn't know Mary for 9 months until after baby Jesus was born. People like Joseph in Genesis 39 when Potifar's wife attacks Joseph for sex, and Joseph ran. I want to run. I don't try to remember people like David or Samson who fell into times of sexual immorality, if I do remember them, it's only to remember their consequence of sin and what it did to the family. I also don't think of men who had many wives either...I don't' think the Bible every justified that but they did that. In fact there isa verse that says a man will leave his mother and father and cling to his wife < not wives...so sorry I can't justify it, and I don't want to think they did good, when I don't think they did good. Anyway, that is my own understanding (theology). Here is what I wanted to say....about the emptiness in our hearts....God loves us unconditionally... and is the perfect fit in our hearts. God always has been there when I cried because my wife rejected me. God was always there to help me when I was tempted. I learned to pray this pray. "God, help me to find whatever it is I'm looking for in my wife, to find it in You" and when I pray that I am talking about love, not sex. |
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,754
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on May 22, 2021 17:30:46 GMT -7
In 2004-2006, I was doing a lot of good things for myself. After my arrest, I moved to a place by myself, I started going to back to SLAA, and I dropped back into going to church. I started taking careful of myself. I watched what I ate. I started working out more. I was playing my guitar. I was leaving a second language. And I was doing a lot of step work to figure out what was going on with me.
I came out with my To-do list back then. The behaviors on the list reminded me to practice self-love. It became the heart of my recovery. And every week, I would share with the group how I had been doing with loving myself.
Those were the best years of my life. I had chosen a life of celibacy and I was loving life. I was actually meeting my needs and my problems were at a minimum. I was only missing love in my life and I was okay with it. Until, I got an interesting call from a female member of my group. She mentioned that she was going to stop going. When I asked why, she said, "I'm really attracted to you."
I replied that it shouldn't make a difference. Just because there's attraction, doesn't mean that we have to act upon it. But that didn't convince her to stick around. I was caught off guard. Because I never considered myself that attractive. In over the next several months, I realized that she wasn't the only one. A lot of women were finding me attractive. And this happened quite suddenly. I honestly thought that much of this attraction was due to me being able to embrace a more complete reality. But now looking back, I realize that it was this sense of confidence, this self-acceptance, that was making me more noticeable. I met my wife at the church that we were both going to. And within 5 months of our first Hangout, I was engaged, married, expecting a baby, and being the stepfather to her 2 sons.
And although I had done a great job of taking care of myself and demonstrating self love when I was alone, I failed to carry this mindset in my relationship with my wife. In a frantic desire to focus completely on her, I pretty much gave in to being someone else in order to please someone else. Within that year, I quit my job that I absolutely loved to work in a boring nine-to-five. I gave up my 12-step group and all the friendships that I developed there. I stopped working out. She expressed her lack of support in these areas, and I didn't have the backbone to stand up for myself. And I thought that my new understanding of relationships and my faith in God would carry me through. But it didn't. I acted out within 3 months after our wedding. And it's been an up and down battle of relapse, get back up, relapse, and so on for the past 15 years. I tried to pick up the to-do list again a few times over the years. But the results were not the same because the new behaviors on the list were mostly not reinforcing my self worth. Behaviors such as reading the Bible and spending time with my wife and family are good. But when I failed to make my personal needs a priority because I was focusing on others, I was unknowingly sabotaging my recovery from NGS. Let me reiterate. I am not saying that spending time with God or with my wife or family are not important. They are. And I'm going to continue to still have fellowship with God my wife and family in my life.
Just not at the expense of my own needs and personal well-being.
Proverbs 27:7 says that a full soul loaths a honeycomb, but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.
I've been guilty of chasing after bitter. My soul is hungry. My soul is empty.
I cannot give love on an empty tank. It's time to make a change. I thought about bringing in the to-do list again. Maybe I will. But right now, my accountability shares will consist of two things.
1) How did I demonstrate positive self acceptance and self worth today?
2) What would I have liked to have done differently?
That's it. Keeping it simple.
Thanks
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,754
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on May 25, 2021 17:06:08 GMT -7
Probably one of the most significant behaviors and traits of my NGS happens to be my obsession with lusting after women. And I keep coming up with more and more reasons to stop. I'm going to try to summarize these reasons. But I foresee that I may end up redoing this multiple times. Well, here goes...
1) I've discovered underneath my lust, is my honest desire to actually fornicate and commit adultery with a live person. Such a person, most likely, would be a prostitute since I know that the vast majority of all women are simply not available to me for casual sex. So when I lust, I'm actually performing a preliminary ritual. It's foreplay. And it's frustrating because I'm rarely following through with the actual deed. And...
If I can't touch it, I don't want it.
2) Lusting after a woman puts me in a deficit. My mind gets tricked into thinking that I'm going to actually have sex. But when I don't, I'm left more depressed and unhappy than before I objectified her.
3) When I look at a woman, I can go from 0 to sex in less than a second. For me,
It's just easier to not look at a woman than it is to look at her without lusting.
Now, there are going to be times when I'm going to have to interact with women; a waitress, a friendly neighbor, someone I meet at church. I don't have to be rude. But if there is no interaction, there is no reason for me to look.
4) When I objectify a woman, I reduce her to just body parts and as an object to have sex with. I completely lose sight of her emotional components. In fact, I can see her better when I don't look at her.
Think of the significance of the comment that I just made.
I can see her better when I don't look at her.
5) My tendency to lust after women is an attribute of my NGS. This toxic shame inside me is desperate for validation. And I have to be honest that my oggling after woman is an attempt to get sexual validation in return. This is very serious. If I partake in this behavior, I'm reinforcing the toxic shame that tells me that I'm a horrible, worthless, bad person. But if I choose to show restraint and keep custody of my eyes, I'm showing myself that I do have value, that I'm worth something. I don't need validation from another strange woman. I can demonstrate that for myself.
6) When I had the privilege to listen to Dr Mark Lasser speak at a conference 30 years ago, he mentioned the value of looking at my fantasies and lust as a window to the wound. So if I'm struggling in this area, it might be more helpful to search inside myself for any unmet need that I'm not addressing. That might be more effective than just trying to stop thinking about it or to stop looking at her. It reminds me of HALT, hungry, angry, lonely, tired.
7) For me, it is easier for me just to say no to the first thought or the first look. But I often find myself powerless to say no even to the first one. In those cases, it's okay for me to ask for help from God. I'm not going to expect myself perfect all the time. But God still accepts me and all of my brokenness. He has helped me immensely along this path, and will continue to do so.
There are other reasons why I should keep custody of my eyes. But the ones I've described above are intrinsic motivators. They seem to offer me a lot of strength.
So far, I have really been loving this journey. I love it love it love it love it love it.l
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2021 7:14:43 GMT -7
I understand the part about the first look. For me a first look can stay engrained burned in my mind and a thought and is very difficult to release. It's like a eye glass that turn when I turn my head to the right or left, the glasses are still on and thoughts too. Today, I had to pray, and just give us, confessing my lust, and asking the Lord for help. Like a breaking down inside and crying for help. God did help me and I was able to re-focus again.
You are loved brother. The Devil is always trying to tempt you, then when you even look, "Aha, you wicked sinner" he says, or gives you the toxic shame you are speaking of. He (Satan) is good at making his lies to seem as if you are the ones thinking it
"oh, I man I shouldn't have looked at that lady" (even if you didn't see any part of her body just her eyes) but the Devil will say "You sick pervert, you want her dont' you, you want her to smile and make love right? sicko, fake" < that is from Satan 100%. I have these kinds of thoughts.
or worse....
A female co-worker smiles, so in my heart, I feel lust automatically, and I have to catch it before it goes any further. I'm that messed up. I ask God for help very quick because I'm lost and going to sin unless I'm not with God talking to God, praying inside, at the same time, talking to the female co-worker.
The devil knows our weak points, and if we are not praying, reading the Word, and the devil brings some women, or some immoral women, he is setting us up for an attack, but not so noticeably. A sly, attack, to make a comprise today, until we are in bed with that person tomorrow. May it never be. No way Jose.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,754
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on May 30, 2021 22:53:29 GMT -7
I heard another "nice guy" message in church today. My pastor actually wrote down the words,
"Put God first, put others second, and yourself last."
The problem is that too many "nice guys" like myself are going to process those words with our toxic shame and interpret that to mean our needs don't matter.
Next on my reading list will be
No More Christian Nice Guy by Paul Coughlin
and Wild at Heart by John Eldredge
My experience is showing me that much of my NGS has been reinforced by teachings from the modern church. By stuffing my own masculinity, and receiving this message that I must be this passive, kind, nice guy that avoids confrontation and takes no risk, I live a dead, boring life with little meaning, no drive, no ambition. In addition, my wife views me as this soft, recessive, male that takes no charge or leadership over many things. I misread scripture to support my NGS. I don't realize that Jesus was not the nicest guy in the world. He said some very controversial things and He was not afraid to speak His mind.
But for myself, Christianity has been more about turning the other cheek, putting myself last, dying to myself because I don't matter. I'm sure there is a term for this, but I'm going to call it Doormat Christianity.
And this flame within me wants to come out. But the only outlet it gets is through sexual acting out. I do not believe it's a coincidence that a larger group of online porn users come straight from the Bible Belt. Nor am I surprised that over 50% of men in the church are actively struggling with porn use. And I'm not surprised that a significantly large percentage of Christian men addicted to porn never get to a place where true freedom is ever experienced.
I'm not saying that my NGS is a major part of my sex addiction.
I'm saying that my NGS IS the problem. My sex and porn addiction, and my social and emotional anorexia are all extensions of my NGS.
I shouldn't be doing a sex addiction recovery program. I should be doing an NGS recovery program. I should be treating the root, not the symptoms.
I will be searching the Bible. And I will be tackling on some difficult scriptures that appear to support Doormat Christianity. But I'm presuming that if I search for their actual context and meaning, I will be able to receive a more accurate message of what it truly means to be a man of God.
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Post by Will on Jun 15, 2021 6:42:33 GMT -7
This is a lot of food for thought!
I feel like I used to be a nice guy. Then I got born again, and became focused and driven and successful. After a few years of that, God dealt with me that I was being too materialistic and worldly. Now I'm back to being a nice guy again! But hopefully not a doormat. I basically struggle between being a doormat and just living for my own selfish goals. There's a third, more fruitful and healthy option, but I often struggle to find it. Successful humility, living fearlessly out of God not out of myself. Something like that. It's been a while though since I was there though!
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 15, 2021 15:53:25 GMT -7
After reading Paul Coughlin’s book, “No More Christian Nice Guy”, I didn’t find it as applicable as Robert Glover’s book. But it was a good read. Paul Coughlin does a good job in dispelling my “doormat” Christianity mindset. He refers to several books in his work. One being, “Why Men Hate Going to Church” by David Murrow. I’m going to read that one when I finish “Wild at Heart”.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 30, 2021 7:30:06 GMT -7
Realized that my father wounds have run deep. And I've lived my whole life burying this wound real deep so I would never have to look at it.
I mean, I cannot imagine how heartless one would have to be to leave a wife and a tiny baby to be with another single mother of 4 kids with different fathers. The pain of what my father did to me was very real and had a tremendous effect on me.
Imagine a scenario where an alcoholic who also has a gambling problem goes to GA to treat his gambling addiction. Doing all the steps, making all the boundaries, to stop his gambling but never being fully aware of his alcoholism and how that's contributing to the problem. Meanwhile, he's constantly relapsing. He's losing his savings. His life is being ruined before his eyes. His marriage is just destroyed. His recovery in GA does some help. His boundaries and Recovery also curb his alcoholism. Yet, he's frustrated. Because he's trying everything in his power to stop the gambling. But the gambling is not the primary addiction. It's his alcoholism. For when he gets drunk he loses all control. And he ends up gambling. For he's not aware that he only gambles when he's drunk. Only when he treats the alcoholism is he able to treat the gambling.
That person is me. For so long I thought that the sex addiction was my primary addiction. But it's not. I'm still having a hard time grasping this because the pull to act out is so incredibly strong. But I know 100% that my NGS is my primary. What am primarily I addicted to? Validation, Validation from everyone I guess. Stemming from toxic shame from an old father wound. I guess burying it deep to forget it even existed did not work. For my relapsing never went away. When acting out sexually, I'm always in my NGS.
I'm at 61 days porn free. I'm usually going to be pretty safe when I get within 3 days of a milestone. But the period between 4 and 7 days before a milestone, WATCH OUT! It's like I forget everything. Nothing matters and I want to get my fix. I know a lot of it is based on my NGS. This feeling of low self-worth and the intention to self-fulfill a prophecy that says I will never change.
I've been reading, "Wild at Heart", by John Eldredge. And I like it better than the last book by Paul Coughlin. Eldredge certainly reinforces the fact that NGS is not Christian and he encourages the concept of allowing God to heal those father wounds inside me. It's a different approach than Glover's, who emphasizes dependence on one's self only.
I think both Glover and Eldredge speaking truth. While accepting that I need to demonstrate to myself that I have self-worth, I also see the value in leaning on God and placing my dependence on Him. I believe God has brought me this far already. He led me on this journey to uncover this deep wound within myself. I trust that He will be with me every step of the way.
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Post by ladystrong on Jun 30, 2021 15:20:03 GMT -7
I haven’t read through all of your posts, just mainly the first one. Two words came to mind: IDENTITY and SANCTIFICATION. I may not have been a sex addict but I can still relate to a lot of the things you posted here.
IDENTITY: I think that without a father figure guiding us to the Father, we both had no idea what our identity was. We never knew or believed we were sons and daughters of the King. Although my dad and mom have stayed together, there was a very clear absence of him in our lives: rarely coming out to games, recitals, events, etc. He grew up without a father so he was just doing the best he could to provide for us, and I am thankful for all he did when I was still living at home. Without direction, we’re just blowing in the wind trying to make it, trying to please everyone else, trying to prove ourselves to everyone and wanting to be accepted. Our anchor has to be the Father and we have to know deep down in our hearts that we are HIS and He has given us all we need to live on this earth.
SANCTIFICATION: I know God is showing us where we’ve been relying on our own strength for too long and He’s cleaning out the junk that we’ve believed our whole lives. Lies that we aren’t good enough or we’re doing something wrong or if we just said it this way people might like us better, etc. I mean, my list of lies i’ve believed in is LONG! I’ve always been a sensitive person so corrections or criticisms have been difficult for me to accept in the past. Also had a hard time accepting that I will fail at stuff, and that’s ok. I suppose I could blame it on being the last of three kids and being bullied or whatever but I realized that I need to stop making excuses and start owning up to my weaknesses. And then ask the Lord to show me how to change. Being sanctified through this process has been hard, especially in marriage where I just want to have a pity party about having to homeschool, take care of the dog, blah, blah, blah 😂!
Anyway, I guess I wanted to encourage you and let you know that you’re not alone in realizing these tough lessons in life. God is doing great things in your life and he’s freeing you from many bondages that have kept you from living a life of freedom, and your addiction is just one of them. He hasn’t given up on you and He’s not finished perfecting you. You’re worth it because you’re His son!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 1, 2021 9:04:50 GMT -7
Thank you ladystrong. I wasn't all that certain how welcome these changes would be to others. But it's encouraging to know that I'm not alone in feeling this void and embracing a different life than one I'm accustomed to. I'm challenging the lies that I've held onto as you were mentioning. And it reassures me to know that others agree this different path to be a better one for me. |
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