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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2020 16:16:28 GMT -7
Here is one issue I have been struggling with during my whole recovery of my sexual addiction. I would say it lies in that 10% that holds on from the 90% I have gotten rid of. The issue is objectification. One of my triggers has been long hair. I am still noticing long hair on women, mostly younger. This very much upsets my wife as she knows the slippery slope of picking out body parts of women and feels that I am lusting as lust had no parameters and boundaries. Her biggest issue is where my heart is around other women and still seeing body parts first is not seeing them for their heart. Anyone have some advice or encouragement with this issue- it has been a tough one for me
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2020 18:18:34 GMT -7
Have you ask our Father to give you His love for them?
Having Him flood you with His love for them will completely change how you see them. I had to do that with men for a different reason...I hated all men because of what a few men had done to me.
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KevinesKay
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Posts: 1,754 
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 16, 2020 21:35:21 GMT -7
Hi @arctic68,
My wife desires for me to have only eyes for her. It doesn't make any sense to her why I would lust after someone else. Yet, I do. This area is a work in progress for me.
It helps me to embrace the personal benefits of maintaining custody of eyes and mind. In other words, I'm not doing this just for her and for the Lord, but also for myself.
My wife has felt more at ease when I take responsibility for my own recovery. I set blocks on my phone. I cannot watch TV alone. I avoid triggers. Porn is not at arms reach for me. Plus, I'm getting lots of help and connecting with lots of buddies.
And my wife sees all that. And I feel it puts her more at ease because she doesn't have to be policing me all the time. But I practice patience with her. Trust does not easily return.
For me, it helps to focus on only one look of lust or fantasy, the one that matters; the first one.
If I say, "No," to the first look, there won't be a 2nd, or a 3rd, or a 5th, or an 8th. And it's easier for me to say, "No," to the first look then to say, "No," to the 2nd, or the 3rd, or the 5th, or the 8th.
And it's all easier still when I'm taking time out to develop my relationship with God.
I heard a husband mention that he still acknowledges that other women are beautiful. But he shares that their beauty is not a commodity that is of any value in his world.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,754
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 29, 2020 17:30:14 GMT -7
Hello @arctic68,
How are you today?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2020 5:12:15 GMT -7
Hello KevinesKay
I am so glad you asked me how I am doing, not sure your prompting but I believe it was The Spirit. To be honest, not good. My wife was out on Friday and I was looking up some info on a site that she asked me not to go on because some provacative pictures were starting to appear. What she warned me about showed up and I clicked on it and then subsequently went to about 8 other similar pictures. I have Covenant Eyes on my phone so a full report was sent to my wife and my arrogance and selfishness and lack of control has hit our marriage hard. I guess what I discussed in the original post here was a warning sign that I was dancing with lust but my pride wouldnt let me see it. I have opened up to a Mens group that I am a part of - they had no idea - part of my ability to wear the right masks. They are praying and supportive ( probably a little caught off guard too but they wont tell me that ) Please pray for my wife - she has no support system for this and has lost all faith in my ability to WANT to get rid of lust.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,754
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 30, 2020 14:55:43 GMT -7
Thanks for sharing @arctic68.
That's a hard situation you two are in. I've been there many times.
It's good that you had CE installed. If not, this boundary violation would have led to a full blown relapse.
It's also good that you shared this with your men's group. We're only as sick as our secrets. No need to be ashamed. A lot of people struggle with this. And the chances are good that more than one person in your men's group can relate to your pain. This would be a good opportunity to add some of these men as CE allies.
Do you live in the US?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2020 15:43:39 GMT -7
No I live in Canada - its tough because we dont have any SA or P recovery groups where I live so getting a physical support group here isnt an option right now. I am on the Blazing Grace conference call once a week and it has been a real help but there is only so much you can cover during your time slot on the call.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,754
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 30, 2020 20:56:24 GMT -7
You're situation is not uncommon, especially with the coronavirus outbreak. Almost all face to face meetings have been cancelled.
I have a buddy that does a weekly SAA phone meeting. A good resource is
Intherooms.com
My CR meeting hasn't met face to face for a few weeks now. Tomorrow we're doing a virtual meeting via Zoom app.
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