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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2019 8:02:01 GMT -7
Claire, first welcome to BG. I am heartbroken for you. I understand what you are saying. There is only one that can help you, Our Lord is there for you. Go to Him and rest in His presence. Let Him minister to you. He will guide you.
Father God, I lift my sister, Claire, up to you. Let her feel Your love for her. Wrap her in Your arms and pour Your love into her hurting heart. In Jesus name I ask.
Claire, you do have options available to you in this situation. When a spouse isn't even trying to break free from porn. You can set down boundaries and as a last resort you have the option of divorce. I have to leave in a few minutes but when I get home this afternoon, I will sit down and go through your options and scriptures.
ADMIN HAT ON
I am going to state this clearly to all members. You will not turn this thread into a debate on whether or not to stay married. If your post isn't supportive of Claire, I will delete it and you will be banned.
ADMIN HAT OFF
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2019 9:16:29 GMT -7
Well it looks like the Lord has other ideas for me today. The Spirit told me to stay home when I was pulling my car out of the garage. I have learned not to ignore Him.
Have you tried setting boundaries for your husband? Boundaries are for you to feel safe and to help him see that his sin is serious and causing damage. Of course you would have to stick to your boundaries and consequences. The boundaries need to be tailored to your relationship. One example: putting accountability software on the electronics. A consequence for not doing that...getting rid of electronics.
Now this next option should be a last resort. Divorce is never easy and it hurts all involved. You should never make this choice without going to God first and being at peace about it. This subject is highly controversial which is why I put that warning in my first post.
Matt 5
27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Matt 5
31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Matt 9
9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2019 22:30:21 GMT -7
Hi Claire, I used to be like your husband. What got my attention was one day my wife said she is leaving me and took our three children and that got my attention. I saw a drug addiction counselor and he told me that I was dead. He asked me to read 2nd Corinthians and I read the part where it said that God raises the dead and I believe that God would raise me from the dead. The Lord enabled me to pray and cry out to Him and He is helping me to this day. This was over three years ago. My wife let me live back in the home after two weeks of saparation. My wife contacted a drug addiction counselor/pastor from a ministry called "Teen Challenge" and my wife (like you) trusted in the Lord for my recovery.
I can't really say anything more just that keep praying for him and for the Lord to save him. What happens to a person like this, is if they die without Christ, they are lost and will be damned to hell. Matt 5:27-30. I thought I was a Christian my whole life too and I was so deceived. Matthew 7:21-23. I want to know the Lord now for real and help other addicts. I would be willing to reach out to your husband if you think that is good. My guess is that he will not allow you to give him my email address and wonder where you got it so I'm not sure what I can do here.
Tell him that you will not tolerate this. The Bible allows for divorce for marital unfaithfulness. That might have to be the last resort if he will not repent. I am glad my wife didn't divorce me though. A pastor stopped her and it was enough time to get our marriage right again. I am praying for your husband and you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2019 7:22:12 GMT -7
I have faced this with him several times and it always turns into a narcissistic rage or anger or basically saying he would choose porn over me. He is closed to any kind of understanding and has said I should just say that it is no big deal. I dont know how often this goes on but I find it intermittently. It makes me sick in every way. I am afraid to confront it and I am afraid to be on my own, I dont even know how I could make it work. We have little money, I have kids near me, I have animals. I could see him just leaving and going off in his own life. He is a hurting man, hates himself and calls himself garbage. I love him but you know, I am feeling quite numb, sick and like I am detached. I feel like I am in denial because honestly, I dont think I can bear feeling any more pain. There are several things he has done in our marriage, 42 years... I found out that for many of these years he has looked at porn, he had an affair with out real sex, he wrote a co worker that he thought she was beautiful and asked her if she would be with an older man. This was during a hard time in our home, very unsteady with our daughter and her family living with us and major stress. But so what, I had the stress and I didnt do this. I am pretty ill, I live with narcissistic abuse, I live with criticism, I live with rude and belittling words etc. Then he can be wonderful. Loving and caring and helping and complimentary to a point. I am in a bad dream. I have severe ptsd on many levels and I am suspicious. I am a sick girl. The Lord is here, but I see no movement in my husband. He is angry and bitter because he does not have the life he dreamed of. I guess I wrecked it for him, so I hear. So here I am again, I feel so numb but I am glad for that. I am tired of hurting. So tired. I am truly afraid of being alone, I cant put up a boundary. Have you ever been on the receiving end of a narcissist? I cant risk it. It is beyond torture... the words cut my soul. I dont think there is help for me apart from the Lord bringing him to repentance. I am praying for this. In the meantime I am loving, serving, praying and trying to be all I can be. hahahah, I sound pathetic. I will give you a shortened version of my story because otherwise it would be a book. I was sexually abused by my father and grandfather on my mother's side. It started as an infant so I blocked it (God gave that gift to me) until I was able to handle it in my early 20's. My father was severely mentally ill and an alcoholic. Everyone on that side of the family was. When I confronted him, I was called crazy and accused of making it up. My sister had come forward with her story before I did. Mom believed her but didn't believe me. My family life has been stressful and full of drama until recently and that only because of Christ. So you can imagine how desperate I was for love. I looked for it in all the wrong places. Was promiscuous. I was fat my entire life. Food was a self-soothing drug for me. Then I got into porn use...another drug. God brought me out of all of that one at a time. First He dealt with my promiscuity and then the porn use and then the food. I was free of porn for several years when I met my ex-husband. I told him about my overcoming porn and promiscuity and asked him if he had issues with porn. He said he had but didn't anymore. I believed him. We got married. Shortly after I found out the truth...put down boundaries. He was dragging his feet about getting an accountability partner other than myself. Then I discovered I was pregnant. I miscarried between 8 and 12 weeks. He sent me to be with my family for a week because he had started a new job and didn't want me to be alone. I came back and discovered he had branched out into underage porn (accountability software). I confronted him and he lost it. Left bruises on me. I moved back in with my family and divorced him. Fast forward to my brother becoming an alcoholic while on prescription pain meds. He is a mean drunk. Mom and I put down boundaries. He didn't comply. I told him he needed to find a new place to live when He got his next check. I ended up having to call the cops because he threatened my life. To this day he calls me liar and blames me. I am not sure if these men are narcissistic but I do know and understand stress, drama, fear, and feeling like less than dirt. You can't change your husband. Only God can do that. Keep praying for him. Psalm 1 is good for that. I have been using that Psalm for my brother. Focus on your walk with Our Lord. Be in the Word every day, hon. It is His will for us. Praise and worship Him. His will for us never changes because He is the same yesterday, today and forever. That includes healing mentally, spiritually and physically. Here is a link to 101 scriptures dealing with healing. www.oxfordbiblechurch.co.uk/index.php/teachings/healing/333-101-things-god-says-to-you-about-your-healingThis link will get you started on what God says you are. www.biblestudytools.com/bible-study/topical-studies/who-does-god-say-i-am.htmlI love you my sister and I hate to see you hurting and believing the junk Satan is spewing into your life. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2019 14:56:46 GMT -7
My husband has said that if I was the kind of life I was supposed to be that his cheating and his behavior would be different. He has said that I'm not submissive and that I am an unbiblical wife. I know that his problem is very deep-seated and that this isn't all about me but I am so broken now that I just don't even know what to do. First you come against those lies he said about you. Do not believe them. That is his porn demon speaking. It is common for the addict to twist things to make it your fault and not theirs. It's called gas lighting. I have linked videos in the wives section talking about this. I will find them and put them here for you. I am very familiar with this tactic. My dad, ex and brother used it on me. Next you flood yourself with the Word that speaks to who you are in Christ. You are God's beloved. “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.” Jeremiah 31:3 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” John 15:9 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” Exodus 14:14 |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2019 14:59:58 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2019 17:16:04 GMT -7
My husband has said that if I was the kind of life I was supposed to be that his cheating and his behavior would be different. He has said that I'm not submissive and that I am an unbiblical wife. I know that his problem is very deep-seated and that this isn't all about me but I am so broken now that I just don't even know what to do.
Let me share my thoughts...…
his cheating and his behavior would not be different. Let's say you are right now the most perfect biblical wife, guess what, Jesus said that in Matthew 5:27-30 that if you (the man/husband) look at a women (other women other than your wife) to lust (think sexual thoughts of her, using her for your own lusts) after her, then you commit adultery with her in your heart. If your eyes causes you to sin cast it out because it would be better for you to enter into heaven with one eye than for your whole body to be sent to hell"
So...
even if you were the most perfect biblical beautiful 10 out of 10 super model pretty...your husband and (I and most other men who are honestly) would have a problem of lusting after "any" women and the problem is not the women ...but the man's own lust.
James 1:14 says "but every man is tempted when he is drawn away from his own lust and is enticed"
That is the point I'm trying to make. He is believing a lie, from the devil and he doesn't know it. (deception). I was like this too.
My wife did everything for me, nice, smile, cook, clean, was and is still very beautiful but I still lusted/sinned/committed adultery. (over 3 years ago not now)
The part where he said that you are not submissive, well, that is a difficult thing because if he were yelling, etc, etc, you don't have to take domestic violence and can leave the house for the sanity and safey of yourself and your own family. Seek help from Pastor and his wife for this or a trusted near by Christian sister.
I actually drew my wife and kids away from me, she told me later that she went to a hotel and took the children there because of me. How wicked I was and still can be.
The part you mention a deep seated problem, this is it.
He (and we men) have turned sex into a god, and we are a slave to sin or the sex-god (p0rn, adult evil sins).
Like the people of the Old Testament bowed down to worship idols and put child in the fire through human child sacrifices, we (men) bow down to the body of a women (in person, on the TV, on the front cover magazine, you name it). This is our natural and also evil and satanic nature. it was given to us when we were born. We are born, rebels. You probably already know this. Why do I say this?
Romans says that we have to be crucified, talking about our old sinful nature. We know that the Spirit of God can make us reborn (born again) and that Jesus also taught "if anyone comes after me, he must deny himself, put on his cross and follow me"
so we need
1. a spiritual rebirth (John 3:3,5,16, 36) 2. after that, we need to follow Jesus daily.
Do you remember how Jesus handled the self-righteous religious Pharasee's? He used the law, he showed them how wicked they were and there "good works" were not good enough.
There is a good sermon called "Hell's Best Kept Secret" and "True and False Conversion" on www.livingwaters.com
They are a Biblical Evangelism ministry. I suggest you pray and listen to it. Not a cult (Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, etc).
You're husband sounds like he is not saved and hell-bound but I am not qualified to judge that but look at the fruit.
The fruit of the Spirit and the fruit of the flesh are found in Galatians 5:19-21 (flesh) and Galatians 5:22-24 (Spirit)
I really don't want to argue about "if he is saved or not" because it's a controversial topic among many believers who fall into sin.
Read Romans 6 for this topic.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2019 17:29:35 GMT -7
I forgot to say that I will pray for your husband. Trust in God's mighty power and good willingness to work into your husband what only God can do.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2019 19:04:16 GMT -7
The family and friends around you should help. Find a good women friend to call. Perhaps Amy on this site is good friend or someone else locally. Your image is always being attached by Satan because He hates you and wants his thoughts of you to become your own thoughts. It doesn't matter how "ugly" or "fat" or "thin" or "pretty" you think because God looks at your heart. We are old and dying and will get new heavenly bodies someday.
My wife often felt and still does feel that way too. I keep telling her that she is beautiful to me, even if she gains weight, gets older, and that I want to grow older with her. I say to her. God can change him.
Lucifer, is a narcissist too. We have this narcissist nature about all of us. I know I still have it in me too. We have to die and learn to die to ourselves and just live to please God. I know you know that. I hope you will find a good sister or two or three to talk to.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2019 11:34:23 GMT -7
My husband wont say I'm beautiful...he rarely compliments but he will compliment others. He is currently in a silent treatment cold harsh mood. I feel like disappearing. I am sorry your husband is treating you poorly. You can't get your worth or value from other humans. This is something that God has been working on with me for several years. Only go to our Father for that. In Him only will you find your worth which doesn't depend on others. Only in Him will you learn the truth of who you are. Go to your Father. He loves you unconditionally. He says you are beautiful. He says you are perfect in and through Christ. |
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Post by ladystrong on Dec 24, 2019 23:43:09 GMT -7
Hi Claire,
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It’s confusing and overwhelming all at once. I know that there needs to be a breaking point in every spiritual battle that we go through. Mine was when my husband finally confessed and repented of his adultery. Before that confession we were stuck in the middle of the battle and fighting against each other instead of the enemy. A very large gulf had been created in our home through his actions and we all felt it, me especially. I was depressed and had a lot of anxiety and tried so many different ways to get his attention, look different, prove myself “worthy”. I felt like he may have committed adultery but had no evidence, except for the gnawing suspicion that something was wrong. It wasn’t until d-day that we began to heal together.
All this to affirm what you are saying: you are right that you can’t heal TOGETHER if he doesn’t repent. You can, however, heal by yourself though it will be an extremely difficult road while you are still living with him. He has not yet come to a breaking point and there’s nothing you can do to change him, especially while he’s in denial and under the influence of the enemy. I have read of women who have stayed with their spouse while their spouse was living a double life and I can say that their stories are very bleak, they live in a valley of denial and depression. I don’t see life or joy in that kind of marriage.
You’re going to need to spend a lot of time with the Holy Spirit asking him to guide you through your marriage. Study the scriptures and find support from other women who are trustworthy, open to hearing your marriage issues and willing to commit to praying with you. You can’t do this alone because the enemy uses fear to keep you isolated in thinking that no one will understand or no one can help or no one has been through this. That’s a bunch of lies! A lot of Christian women have been in similar situations and it’s becoming more and more prevalent. You will need to know how to fight the spiritual battle and like I said before, you can’t do this fighting alone.
Right now, I would say that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You’re right to say that he’s just as imprisoned as you are. The difference is that you can see it but he can’t; you are willing to change but he isn’t. Like Dominic said earlier, you could be the perfect wife and your husband might still view porn or commit adultery. This isn’t because of what you lack but because of what’s in his heart: lust. You have to know deep down that your value does not come from your husband. It comes from being God’s child. You absolutely have to set God first and then your husband second. Your husband’s opinion of you have become an idol. I believe God is wanting to break you from that idolatry. He did it for me and He can do it for you!
Anyway, that was a lot. I do hope you are doing well this Christmas season. ((HUGS))
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2020 21:44:07 GMT -7
Claire, I have been in prayer about how to respond to you. I love you and what I say is said in love.
You have a choice to make. You need to choose between Christ or Satan. What Christ says about you is truth. What Satan says about you is lies. So choose to believe Christ. Choose to reject the lies that Satan is putting into you through your husband and through your thoughts and feelings. You have to combat those lies with the truth of scripture. Say scripture out loud when a lie is put into your mind about yourself. When you go into your bathroom, look in the mirror and look at yourself and speak scripture to yourself.
Another exercise you can do which has worked for me and a couple other wives here is to write out your feelings to whoever...husband...God...and destroy it by burning or shredding. When you destroy it imagine releasing those feelings. It is very cathartic.
Jesus loves you so much. He hurts along with you. He is always there with you. He understands and He wants to help you and heal you and comfort you.
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Post by ladystrong on Jan 17, 2020 16:49:09 GMT -7
Claire, right now you are in complete rebellion against Jesus. I usually try to be as gentle as possible because we’re all so fragile in these tough situations but I believe the problem right now is not your husband. It’s YOU. You’re idolizing him and have put him above your God. You are willfully disobeying God’s word by saying things that are not true. And unless you decide to accept the hand that He is offering you and decide to change the way you live before the Lord, Satan will continue to consume your mind, body and soul. The decision is yours. Either you will all out follow Jesus and listen to the Holy Spirit and truly live glorifying Him or you will follow Satan into the pit of despair and depression. I’ve seen other women in this forum with the same issues. I was once there as well. But I made the decision to listen to the only voice that truly matters (God’s) and used whatever strength I had to direct it to following Him. It is hard and it takes work. it’s not an easy road but you need to take up the weapons He has already given you once you decided to follow Him. Jesus isn’t going to come back and magically make your world better. If He did that for us, we’d never be transformed to be more like Him. And, we wouldn’t have a testimony to share with others who are struggling as well. He’s offering His hand to get you through the valley. He never intended you to stay there, build a house, and get cozy with being miserable. He can’t help you if you won’t be obedient and take his hand. In fact, no one can help you here if you’re not willing to listen and take action. So either you will stay stuck and keep getting worse or you can move forward and get better without depending on your husband to fulfill all your needs. Jesus came to heal the broken-hearted, do you truly believe that? Because He came for me and you, not just your husband. You need Jesus to set you free just as much as your husband does as well!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2020 23:58:24 GMT -7
Hi Claire, I remember when my wife found things on my computer. It made her depressed, angry. She almost left me while she was pregnant with out first son. I had such a bondage to sin it was crazy. My god was S-x. That is your husband's god too I believe. He can't see how is deeply hurting you, a women, a child of God. Pray for his salvation. I have not heard of a Christian that still watching p.rnography. I doubted my salvation and sometimes still do.
Part 1 is my sin so I was right to down my salvation. The scripture doesn't give us assurance if we are willingfuly sinning to know we are saved because Jesus said in Matthew 7:21-23 the scary truth. I hope you can read that verse soon. It's alarming who will be in heaven when you think about the narrow way. Still I can't all of a sudden do a bunch of good works (go to church, read the bible, pray, fast) for salvation either. Those works (church, read the bible, pray, fast) are things we do as a Christian but not for becoming saved. The reason I say that is because I fear for your husband who might burn in the lake of fire. Jesus was very serious in Luke 16 when he talked about a rich man who wen to hell (hades) and is still there crying for a drink of water. Will you also join him? Will I? Will your husband? I'm trying to scare you with those truthful words in scripture so you can focus on that.
Your husband (like a lot of other church-going-men-who-watch-p.rn) will end up in hell because the scripture says that the sexually immoral will not inherit the kingdom of God (1st Co 6:9 I think). Today, when I look at a women's face and still have the lust tempations and feel tempted and look for 1 second longer then become to a point of sin, I am just like the man who watched p.rnography, guilty adultery).
Now, if you are husband is not saved. He will not stop watching it. You will still find it. I heard another man's story. He told me that his wife told him that "God will have to deal with you because I can't" or words to that effect. She moved away from him and he lived alone. I don't know his internet/sin life but he told me that he and his wife were doing better. Eventually, she came back and they are together living in the USA. I am happy for them.
God has to get a hold of your husband. Perhaps if he will not listen to the wrestling of the Holy Spirit in his heart, then God will do a pain experience for him. Maybe God wants to use you for giving him a painful experience (separation or divorce). You said that you didn't feel like leaving him, but if you read Matthew 19 Jesus said that Adultery were the only reason for divorce. My wife still to this day tells me that if I mess up with another women or look at p.rn then she would take our children and leave me. (She already did this over 3 years ago for two weeks and it was enough to get me sober really quick). If my wife didn't do this, then I would be all lazy and thinking (my wife is so gracious that she says she will divorce me but she will not mean it) and I would have continued in my sin and probably died with AIDS already. I was not only doing p.rn but going to places I won't say. You get my point.
You should pray for God to show you what you must do. If your husband is like god to you, then, give up that god( your husband) for the real God, Jesus Christ and repent (godly sorrow, see Jesus dying on the cross for your sins, weep and make a commitment to follow and trust Jesus again) trusting in His power and His promises to save you.
Your husband is taking advantage of you, a precious wife God gave you to him, but he needs a rude awaking. It will hurt you. You will need godly Christian counseling from local Christian pastors and their wive too maybe. You will need to find Christian women friends or find a Christian drug addiction counselor. (Teen Challenge was the Pastor/counselor I saw) and he helped me and they can help you too. We need to pray for you and please pray for us because we are not god or perfect Christians either. Sometimes our words are strong but God still works even our weaknesses. Please know the ladies on this site care for you even it hard to listen to.
You have many friends and family in Christ,
Dominic
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2020 4:06:47 GMT -7
In reading the responses to my sharing I read twice that I feel my husband is like a god to me?? Where do you see this? I did not say that. I see him as my husband, but when he is not acting rightly, I am in pain. I serve and share and try to be the wife I feel I should be, what God calls me to be however, it is not making a difference. I do not see him as my god, I see God as my God and I serve him. Anyway, I am wondering why this was said. I may be too ill at this point to move out or take a stand, I am a beaten down woman and I am trying to gain strength in sharing and hearing other opinions etc. I am reaching out because I am reaching my end.... I feel stuck and I feel scared. I am in prayer all the time and trusting Him. Perhaps my next move will be just that, a move. I pray for the strength and wisdom to do what I should. Claire, I think the reason you feel stuck and scared is because you have been believing the lies Satan is putting into your head about yourself. Are you combating those wrong thoughts with the truth of scripture? Are you fighting? Christ gave us the ability to fight Satan and win. Use the Word. Get that truth inside you into your spirit man. It is never easy to make changes when you are under such stress and pressure. That is why it is so important to get scripture inside you...to know who you are in Christ and what Christ has done for you. I have had to make changes and decisions under those same conditions. It sucks! But know this, God is with you always and He will make everything work out for your good because you are covered under the blood covenant. I am not sure if you were directing the question about your husband being your God towards me. I reread my last post and I didn't say that. I can see where people have gotten that impression. Your posts are so focused on your husband...how he treats you and how you receive it that it comes across as you putting him above God in your life. You need to learn to fight those negative words coming from him and believe God's word about you. You are a fighter. I can see that now because you stood up for yourself in the above post. Praise the Lord! I was so worried about that and have been praying and asking the Lord to bring out your fighting spirit. You need that spirit to move forward and make the changes that the Holy Spirit is leading you to do. Keep moving forward hon. The Holy Spirit will guide you and He is always there. |
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