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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2019 11:30:32 GMT -7
53 Days Weird post today...
A couple weeks ago I think God talked to me...I was trying to figure out what I wanted to give my family for Christmas and a loud voice kept saying "all I want for Christmas is you." in my head over and over again.
I know it pry sounds crazy. And I understand it is a song...but I swear it wasn't my inner conscious singing a song I hadn't even been thinking about.
I have been trying so hard to be able to do that...but since then I have struggled more than I have since I have quit.
All I can think about is wanting to drink, wanting to try out weed. I have never had these compulsions before. Heck, I've never even had alcohol before, not even on my 21st birthday.
All I can think about is the abuse. How He said no one wants me. I am worthless. Then the words come back, that all He wants is me.
I just feel lost. At night I relive what happened. During the day I feel like God is pulling me. Then I will stumble and those crazy urges hit me.
I feel like I am in a middle of a tug of war and I know I am going to loose. I just don't know to who.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2019 18:17:10 GMT -7
You did hear God. He talks to you all the time. The more time you spend with Him in prayer, worship and reading scripture, the better able you are to hear Him. Guess what? He has a great sense of humor too! He will say things just to hear you laugh. He is a great!
These other temptations are because you are winning the battle. You don't lose when you stick with Jesus and our Father. Keep coming against them and the wrong thoughts that are being placed in your head. You are loved. John 3:16 wave that verse in Satan's face. Realize how special you are to God. He didn't send His son to die for Satan. He did that for you. Jesus took those horrible beatings and dying on the cross because of His love for you. You are special!
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Post by savedbygrace on Dec 25, 2019 6:35:33 GMT -7
Amen to the above!
Let God use His Word to bring healing to your mind and heart. Ask Him to speak to you as you read.
A prophecy of what Jesus would do, written about 450 years before He came.....
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. [Isaiah 61:1-3 from the NIV]
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2019 6:39:25 GMT -7
I thought this song might to speak to you like it speaks to me. I love you sister!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2019 23:33:30 GMT -7
I messed up...
I didn't want to write this post. But I decided...if I can't be honest here, where can I be? Because I don't even want to write this.
As I've wrote earlier, I have been struggling with wanting to do weird things, having weird cravings, remembering the abuse...I have been having flashbacks, reliving what happened over and over with the abuse. I feel so lost...and I guess I turned to the one thing that I thought would give me control...reading those books and masturbation today...but after I did it all I felt was more out of control. More lost and empty. And I don't understand what is so screwed up with me I can't stop. I was doing so good.
And then I look on here and see Amymine712 posted that video. It made me bust up crying cause she is right, it spoke to me. I just feel so lost and confused and alone...
"In my Father's house, there's a place for me." I feel like there is none...why would God want a broken me when NO ONE else does? And it's so wrong because I can feel Him. I know He wants me, broken pieces and all. I don't understand why I can't just stop doubting Him and giving into what I know I shouldn't. Why I keep believing worldly things are going to fill this hole inside of me when He keeps showing me only He can. Why I can't just accept He won't leave me when I give in. I just feel lost. Sorry for the jumbled thoughts.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2019 4:03:04 GMT -7
I messed up... I didn't want to write this post. But I decided...if I can't be honest here, where can I be? Because I don't even want to write this. As I've wrote earlier, I have been struggling with wanting to do weird things, having weird cravings, remembering the abuse...I have been having flashbacks, reliving what happened over and over with the abuse. I feel so lost...and I guess I turned to the one thing that I thought would give me control...reading those books and masturbation today...but after I did it all I felt was more out of control. More lost and empty. And I don't understand what is so screwed up with me I can't stop. I was doing so good. And then I look on here and see Amymine712 posted that video. It made me bust up crying cause she is right, it spoke to me. I just feel so lost and confused and alone... "In my Father's house, there's a place for me." I feel like there is none...why would God want a broken me when NO ONE else does? And it's so wrong because I can feel Him. I know He wants me, broken pieces and all. I don't understand why I can't just stop doubting Him and giving into what I know I shouldn't. Why I keep believing worldly things are going to fill this hole inside of me when He keeps showing me only He can. Why I can't just accept He won't leave me when I give in. I just feel lost. Sorry for the jumbled thoughts. One thing you have to learn is that those negative feelings are lies. It is a learning process. It takes time to learn to trust Our Father when you have been abused. When I first started coming to terms with my abuse and overcoming porn, I couldn't connect with God as my Father. I had an easier time connecting with Jesus as my brother. Our Father had to teach me how to connect with Him and how to trust Him. It's been a learning process. Still on going. God is so good. He does not give up. He is loving, merciful, forgiving and gentle. Do you realize that Jesus understands what you are going through? He was tempted in every way that we are tempted in. Hebrews 4:14-16 Amplified Bible (AMP) 14 Inasmuch then as we [believers] have a great High Priest who has [already ascended and] passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession [of faith and cling tenaciously to our absolute trust in Him as Savior]. 15 For we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize and understand our weaknesses and temptations, but One who has been tempted [knowing exactly how it feels to be human] in every respect as we are, yet without [committing any] sin. 16 Therefore let us [with privilege] approach the throne of grace [that is, the throne of God’s gracious favor] with confidence and without fear, so that we may receive mercy [for our failures] and find [His amazing] grace to help in time of need [an appropriate blessing, coming just at the right moment].
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2019 7:58:39 GMT -7
Just wanted to give you some scriptures to speak out against those negative feelings. The epistles are written to us, for us and about us. You are the elect of God. So use the Word of God to combat the enemy's lies and laugh in His face as you do it.
Col 3 12 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved,
Rom 1 7 To all who are in Rome, beloved of God, called to be saints:
1 Thes 1 4 knowing, beloved brethren, your election by God.
Eph 2 4 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2019 18:52:54 GMT -7
... NO ONE else does? And it's so wrong because I can feel Him. I know He wants me, broken pieces and all. I don't understand why I can't just stop doubting Him and giving into what I know I shouldn't. Why I keep believing worldly things are going to fill this hole inside of me when He keeps showing me only He can. Why I can't just accept He won't leave me when I give in. I just feel lost. Sorry for the jumbled thoughts. Hi Dani, I understand your doubt problem. I have a trust problem whenever I get on the airplaine too. I just wanted to say that. The matter is that the Devil wants you to think that those thoughts are yours but they could also not be. It's not that important but you have them now.... Jesus said The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, my.bible.com/bible/1/LUK.4.18.KJVJesus was sent here to "heal Dani's brokenhearted" to "preach deliverance to Dani" and "set at liberty Dani that is bruised" Think of Jesus crying on the cross to take away your sins, so He can have you as His child. Think of Jesus, wanting to free you from your sins, so you have the abundantly life He only can give you. That's all I want to say right now and that I'm praying for you. Dear Lord Jesus, please let your words be true today in Dani's life. Please heal her and let all the pain go to you who loves her so much Jesus. Thank you for loving Dani and the rest of us here. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2020 22:42:06 GMT -7
Hey everyone who keeps up with this thread...this is just a rambling like I usually do.
So a lot has happened since the end of December.
So I graduated college finally on the 21st of December with my bachelor's degree, woo hoo! I then was working full time at a very physically demanding job where I have been exhausted every night. Which is good. But then recently I actually finally started a job where I help small business owners fund and run their businesses which is super exciting. Today was actually my last day of working 6-7 days a week so I am very thrilled about that.
On top of that I sought out a form of counseling from a Christian source. I have done some more online non-Christian counseling in the past to deal with something not so pleasant happened to me when it turns unbearable. But this in person, even going when I have good days is something else.
We've really dug into some of the things that happened to me...so instead of burying it I have to relive what happened...
And with that...has come alot of bad on my end... Something I buried deep inside of me when this thing was happening, I used to cut myself. My counselor says that is a normal reaction, but she was surprised I was able to stop and never do it again...
And the really pathetic part? Something clicked...so as I am having to relive some of what happened to me. I am also reliving the urges to cut myself...and I fight myself...and I am sure you know where this is going. Those urges then go into wanting to masturbate...which I am not good at forcing myself not to do...
So I feel like I am sinking in a hole...I don't know what to do...why can't I be strong enough not to want to do this?
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 22, 2020 23:44:58 GMT -7
Thanks for sharing Dani. It's been awhile. I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. Dont give up and don't lose hope. And if you need to get some more help, do it. My son is a cutter, and I know a few others in my circle that share that DOC. Addiction is addiction, and it's not uncommon for one stop one addiction to grab on to another.
For me, it makes a huge difference to get help;lots of it. That help could come from church, a 12 step meeting, counseling, BG, more consistent devotion times. There is hope, but not if I try to do it alone.
I hope to hear more from you, Dani.
Congratulations on graduating and going out into the workforce.
Keep us posted!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2020 4:32:52 GMT -7
Hey everyone who keeps up with this thread...this is just a rambling like I usually do. So a lot has happened since the end of December. So I graduated college finally on the 21st of December with my bachelor's degree, woo hoo! I then was working full time at a very physically demanding job where I have been exhausted every night. Which is good. But then recently I actually finally started a job where I help small business owners fund and run their businesses which is super exciting. Today was actually my last day of working 6-7 days a week so I am very thrilled about that. On top of that I sought out a form of counseling from a Christian source. I have done some more online non-Christian counseling in the past to deal with something not so pleasant happened to me when it turns unbearable. But this in person, even going when I have good days is something else. We've really dug into some of the things that happened to me...so instead of burying it I have to relive what happened... And with that...has come alot of bad on my end... Something I buried deep inside of me when this thing was happening, I used to cut myself. My counselor says that is a normal reaction, but she was surprised I was able to stop and never do it again... And the really pathetic part? Something clicked...so as I am having to relive some of what happened to me. I am also reliving the urges to cut myself...and I fight myself...and I am sure you know where this is going. Those urges then go into wanting to masturbate...which I am not good at forcing myself not to do... So I feel like I am sinking in a hole...I don't know what to do...why can't I be strong enough not to want to do this? As you are reliving the past, you need to remember to forgive the past abuser and yourself. You forgive over and over. Every time a memory comes up. If it is a recurring memory then you say "I have already forgiven that person for this and I refuse to take that offense back." I used to cut myself too. The Lord brought me through it by exercising forgiveness of my past abusers and of myself. He taught me to love myself and He taught me about how much He loved me. The cutting stopped. And eventually the P and M. Hang in there hon. Keep in the Word and prayer and worship. The Lord is performing a transforming work in you. It takes time. Don't give up.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jan 8, 2022 1:34:46 GMT -7
@dani hello, it's been a while, I just wanted to ask how you have been?
Dear Jesus, please comfort Dani and take care of her in what she has to do. Please heal her mind and spirit and set her free in Jesus' name. Lord, we can't do anything without You. Thank you for Dani and for the other members here. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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