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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2019 9:21:31 GMT -7
Day 4
I decided that November 1st would be the first day of when I gave up porn and masturbation. Right now is the start of Day 4 and let me tell you, it's been such a struggle. I have quit before for periods of time and it wasn't this hard. I feel tempted all the time. But I haven't given in expecially since I know Amymine712 is in my corner as well.
I have also been reading the Bible and talking more with God. While I want to kick this habit my primary goal is to get to know God better and trust in Him more.
Prayers are always welcomed!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2019 12:39:19 GMT -7
Hey hon! I am glad you started a thread here. It's good to focus on God and getting to know Him. When you feel tempted, it helps to focus on our Father. There are a few ways to do that...prayer, saying scripture out loud, and praising Him out loud. The reason you should do those things out loud is that it engages your mind more fully and takes it off the temptation. Temptations don't usually last very long so just keep focusing on God until it passes.
There is science out there that shows it takes 90 days of abstaining to get the chemicals out of your brain that addictions give you. One of them is dopamine. A natural way to get that chemical is exercise...another is laughter. So dance around praising God and laughing at the devil because he lost and we won!
You can do this Because with Christ all things are possible.
Rom 8:37
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
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Post by savedbygrace on Nov 5, 2019 5:51:26 GMT -7
Welcome! Praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2019 16:29:55 GMT -7
Hi Dani! Just checking in on you. How are you doing hon?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2019 8:45:36 GMT -7
Day 13
These last 5 days have been pretty good. After my last check in it was rough for a couple days then it started getting easier. I have spent alot of time with God. And whenever I feel like I have to do it or read something I call out to Him and usually the urge goes away. I also started listening to Christian Music as well on the radio and that makes me feel more connected with Him. I am getting better at changing my usual radio station when something provocative comes on.
I dreamed about reading the books again though last night so I decided to do another check in today so I know I am being accountable to more than me and God.
Also shout out to Amymine712. Thanks for checking in me. I have been doing pretty good! I have also been so busy. I am in college and am graduating at the end of this December and so everything seems on crunch time with applying to jobs and wrapping up classes. Which is why I am pretty pleased I haven't given in because I usually did it the worst when I was stressed.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2019 11:02:02 GMT -7
Day 13 These last 5 days have been pretty good. After my last check in it was rough for a couple days then it started getting easier. I have spent alot of time with God. And whenever I feel like I have to do it or read something I call out to Him and usually the urge goes away. I also started listening to Christian Music as well on the radio and that makes me feel more connected with Him. I am getting better at changing my usual radio station when something provocative comes on. I dreamed about reading the books again though last night so I decided to do another check in today so I know I am being accountable to more than me and God. Also shout out to Amymine712. Thanks for checking in me. I have been doing pretty good! I have also been so busy. I am in college and am graduating at the end of this December and so everything seems on crunch time with applying to jobs and wrapping up classes. Which is why I am pretty pleased I haven't given in because I usually did it the worst when I was stressed. Keep pressing into God. Your body is going through withdrawals. It takes 90 days to get those chemicals out of your system. The Holy Spirit who resides in you will strengthen you, just keep focusing on God and asking Him for help to resist. You can do this! You are an overcomer through Christ Jesus. Did you know that our body is wired in such a way that music, no matter what subject is being sung about, has an in to our souls? It is good that you are listening to Christian music. It uplifts your soul. Secular music can cause much damage to our inner man. Be diligent on what you allow in your ear gates and eye gates. I too had to switch to Christian music at the beginning of my overcoming journey. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2019 10:27:38 GMT -7
Day 15.
I don't know if it is possible but I would swear I have withdrawals. I am someone who never gets sick or headaches or anything. And the last 2 days I have had the shakes, migraines, horrible mood swings and am actually extremely horny if that doesn't sound crass and have tried everything, praising God, praying, reading the Bible. It won't go away. It is really hard not to give in. Prayers are sought after right now.
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Post by savedbygrace on Nov 16, 2019 10:12:17 GMT -7
Praying for you!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2019 11:13:58 GMT -7
Day 15. I don't know if it is possible but I would swear I have withdrawals. I am someone who never gets sick or headaches or anything. And the last 2 days I have had the shakes, migraines, horrible mood swings and am actually extremely horny if that doesn't sound crass and have tried everything, praising God, praying, reading the Bible. It won't go away. It is really hard not to give in. Prayers are sought after right now. It's those pesky chemicals I have been talking about. Been praying for you. Keep going. Keep focusing on God. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2019 12:22:43 GMT -7
Day 25
Sorry this is going to be a long read.
I can't believe it's almost been 30 days. While it has gotten easier in some aspects-I can sleep, no more migraines, sickness-it is still hard in others. But I am proud of myself for lasting this long. Some days when the urge is strong I just say do I really want to restart the clock? Because it isn't just a day or two now, it is almost a full month.
This is where you might want to tune out I am going to start rambling...
Something that has been pressing on my heart for the last week now...I asked once for a prayer request when I was pretty sleep deprived and I feel bad for doing so now...but I digress, Ms. Amymine712 said something that caught my attention when she responded and I haven't been able to shake. She said "a peace without understanding, giving her the knowledge that You are with her."
I know it doesn't sound like much. And I have pry lost everyone at this point but I just need to express this. What she said really shook me. At first I was angry, thinking, I am not niave. But then the anger turned into something else. And I swear, I felt like a little kid again, and it turned into shame and confusion.
I am ashamed because I claim to the outside world I am fine. That I am strong. To my family that I am fine. We don't talk about God in my household, but it is an understanding that you know about Him and Love Him and understand everything. But I don't understand Him like I should. Me and God's relationship has always been rocky, and I know Amymine712 said once that God was inside of me. But I don't even want to be inside of me, why would He?
After that I felt confused...if I am so far gone why do I bother? Is there no hope left for me? I don't believe that. I don't believe God would put me on this Earth just to suffer and fail Him and not give me another chance. To not use me in the future because I am a mess right now.
So this week I read a book. It was fiction, but a Christian based novel. It was about a woman finding her way to God. I don't know how I found it, or why I read it, but it spoke to me on a deep level. The scriptures that they had in it..I've heard them before, but it seemed so real this time. Like how He will never leave or forsake me...even though I am unworthy. That He has a plan for me, for me to prosper, not to harm me, but to give me hope and a future. So maybe all the things I've done, all the things that were done to me...he has a plan to use those. To use me for more than me just limping by. That He will love me, even if I am not perfect and I fall alot...I keep getting the feeling He doesn't want the perfect me, that He doesn't want me to be a certain way before He will give His love. He will love me where I am. Broken pieces and all. Something I've never had was a love without conditions.
So I've decided to look for a Christian Bible/fellowship group in person. Maybe even start going to Church again as well-somewhere I haven't felt comfortable at since the man who abused me was so high up in it and then I started masturbating and reading porn. I don't know if I will find a group. But if that is what God wants for me I will find one. But maybe not both things at once, I need baby steps. Like quitting porn babysteps of just saying if I can make it an hour, half a day, a day, etc. I think if I went to fast it would backfire. But maybe I am wrong. I don't have a lot of experience with this.
And yes, I know logically that I am feeling okay right now, and I know that it is going to vanish soon, and it is going to be a rough ride. My insecurities about God, my lack of understanding, my addiction isn't going to go away in a week, a month, a year. I am going to have to work on it all. And I know I am going to have my highs and my lows. I am going to stumble and fall. But hopefully I get back up again. Cause I know God will love me through it even though he shouldn't.
So sorry for the long post, I just needed to get that off my chest. And I read back on these, so hopefully on a rough day I can look back and remember everything I felt.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2019 21:22:00 GMT -7
Day 25 Sorry this is going to be a long read. I can't believe it's almost been 30 days. While it has gotten easier in some aspects-I can sleep, no more migraines, sickness-it is still hard in others. But I am proud of myself for lasting this long. Some days when the urge is strong I just say do I really want to restart the clock? Because it isn't just a day or two now, it is almost a full month. This is where you might want to tune out I am going to start rambling... Something that has been pressing on my heart for the last week now...I asked once for a prayer request when I was pretty sleep deprived and I feel bad for doing so now...but I digress, Ms. Amymine712 said something that caught my attention when she responded and I haven't been able to shake. She said "a peace without understanding, giving her the knowledge that You are with her." I know it doesn't sound like much. And I have pry lost everyone at this point but I just need to express this. What she said really shook me. At first I was angry, thinking, I am not niave. But then the anger turned into something else. And I swear, I felt like a little kid again, and it turned into shame and confusion. I am ashamed because I claim to the outside world I am fine. That I am strong. To my family that I am fine. We don't talk about God in my household, but it is an understanding that you know about Him and Love Him and understand everything. But I don't understand Him like I should. Me and God's relationship has always been rocky, and I know Amymine712 said once that God was inside of me. But I don't even want to be inside of me, why would He? After that I felt confused...if I am so far gone why do I bother? Is there no hope left for me? I don't believe that. I don't believe God would put me on this Earth just to suffer and fail Him and not give me another chance. To not use me in the future because I am a mess right now. So this week I read a book. It was fiction, but a Christian based novel. It was about a woman finding her way to God. I don't know how I found it, or why I read it, but it spoke to me on a deep level. The scriptures that they had in it..I've heard them before, but it seemed so real this time. Like how He will never leave or forsake me...even though I am unworthy. That He has a plan for me, for me to prosper, not to harm me, but to give me hope and a future. So maybe all the things I've done, all the things that were done to me...he has a plan to use those. To use me for more than me just limping by. That He will love me, even if I am not perfect and I fall alot...I keep getting the feeling He doesn't want the perfect me, that He doesn't want me to be a certain way before He will give His love. He will love me where I am. Broken pieces and all. Something I've never had was a love without conditions. So I've decided to look for a Christian Bible/fellowship group in person. Maybe even start going to Church again as well-somewhere I haven't felt comfortable at since the man who abused me was so high up in it and then I started masturbating and reading porn. I don't know if I will find a group. But if that is what God wants for me I will find one. But maybe not both things at once, I need baby steps. Like quitting porn babysteps of just saying if I can make it an hour, half a day, a day, etc. I think if I went to fast it would backfire. But maybe I am wrong. I don't have a lot of experience with this. And yes, I know logically that I am feeling okay right now, and I know that it is going to vanish soon, and it is going to be a rough ride. My insecurities about God, my lack of understanding, my addiction isn't going to go away in a week, a month, a year. I am going to have to work on it all. And I know I am going to have my highs and my lows. I am going to stumble and fall. But hopefully I get back up again. Cause I know God will love me through it even though he shouldn't. So sorry for the long post, I just needed to get that off my chest. And I read back on these, so hopefully on a rough day I can look back and remember everything I felt. Hon, God loves you just where you are at. It takes us abuse survivors awhile to grasp that and Satan uses it to keep us from our Father. That is why I prayed what I prayed. It's something I understand all too well. I am thankful he didn't succeed. You are loved! Look at how far you have come in such a short time! Watching the Holy Spirit work in you and through you is awesome to behold! You have such strength. You go girl! |
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Post by savedbygrace on Nov 26, 2019 6:19:08 GMT -7
Thanks for sharing all of that.
Praying for you!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2019 7:35:22 GMT -7
Day 35
Last night I had a dream about reading porn again. I didn't even read the bad parts, just picking up the book and starting to read, and I managed to force myself to wake up right before those parts, but I still feel really upset with myself.
I don't know why my emotions are so crazy. 10 days ago I felt ontop of the world. Now I just feel anxious. I found a Bible study group. They don't start until after I graduate college, they meet at the times I get off work so it is perfect, they are on my way home from work. Exactly what I was looking for and exactly what I think a small part of me was hoping I couldn't find. And I know God wants me to go. There couldn't be a bigger road sign saying this was meant for you because I think I kinda said if it didn't fit my specifications exactly then I will go the church route first, that will be easier because no one notices you or notices if you skip.
I just feel really anxious now. What if I go and they hate me because they can tell I don't understand God like them? What if I am to far gone to be doing something like this? What if I am not supposed to go because I don't go to Church? What if someone there tries touching me? I can handle touch better now, but I haven't been in a Church many times or to any sort of Church group since I got away from the man who abused me. As he did things to me as well in that Church, I have a feeling that I am not going to be able to handle touch well. This is a different Church completely, and the man is in jail. But I know my limits from struggling the last 4 years and touch is always one I struggle with. And from what I remember Church people are all touchy. Women are usually huggers, and I can barely stand still when my mom gives me a hug. Forget strangers...
God loves me...I know if I don't give it a good try He will be disappointed. But He'll still love me. Which is the only reason I am semi-confident I will end up going and giving it a try.
I have also been reading Bible studies on my own, and one scripture stood out to me. Hosea 2 "I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt." I am not 100% sure why I can't stop reading this or why it speaks to me so much. But I thought I'd share.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2019 15:22:12 GMT -7
Do you have the contact info for the bible study leader? If so, contact them before you go and explain to the leader that you aren't comfortable with touch because of past abuse. The leader should be able to head off any hugging when you are introduced.
Another idea that might work is to introduce yourself first and offer your hand for a handshake...some people still might not get it but, most will.
Something that might help you with your dreams is to pray over yourself and your dreams. Ask the Lord to help keep your dreams pure. You did good waking yourself up from that dream! You have strength!
I am praying for you. Remember you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2019 22:37:58 GMT -7
Keep seeking God. God is good. The devil wants to kill, steal, destroy you. Don't give him the chance.
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