javajake
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Post by javajake on Aug 22, 2019 9:47:26 GMT -7
Hi, long history of battling pornography. Was introduced to hardcore pornography when I was 13. Got hooked right away. I got married when I was 19 to my first wife. I believed on Christ when I was 20 and many things changed in my life. My wife made a profession also. Threw away all my porn. Many other things changed in my life also. Thought I was done with it. But it wasn’t done with me. My first wife left me after almost 8 years of marriage but not because of porn. I then remarried at 29. Still battling back and forth with porn I determined not to bring it into my second marriage. Failed. I got busted with it several years later and it was very humiliating. She was devastated. We talked. She forgave me. I was glad it was out in the open. I was surprised that it was still easy to fall back into. I would tell my wife each time I failed and she eventually got tired of it. I eventually hooked up with a men’s accountability group at a church. Had success for 2 years. Then it came back. Back and forth, back and forth. My wife would catch me sometimes and would be crushed and hurt again then tell me it was between God and me. I have asked if she would ask me once a week how I was doing and that would be a great deterrent for me. She didn’t want to do that. Last time I got caught we discussed it again and I asked her what she wanted me to do if I started heading down that path again and she said just stop. Well it went well for a bit but recently started to creep back in. I always share with my group but hesitate to say anymore to my wife. If she asks me directly I always tell her what’s what. Been about 4 years sense that incident. Was doing well again for a couple of years but its creeping back in again. She was wondering not too long ago if I was getting up early to look at porn. I said no cause that was not why I was getting up early. It did happen once but it was way before this. Last few months have not been good. Was reading an article on pornography on a website called Biblical Gender Roles. His take on it was different and it kind of weakened me to try some things which didn’t work out for me. Feel compelled to tell my wife. Should I? I really don’t want to hurt her again. Again determined to leave it alone with God’s help. My wife and I are now 58 been married for 28 years. Thanks for your time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 22, 2019 18:33:10 GMT -7
Hi Jake. Welcome to BG.
Did your wife ask you not to tell her? It sounds like she got tired of it because it hurt her. Some women can not handle the emotional pain that comes with the "telling". It would help you both if you had clear boundaries on this so that you know what she wants in these instances.
I will direct the men to your post so that they can weigh in on this.
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javajake
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Occupation: retired
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Post by javajake on Aug 22, 2019 20:53:12 GMT -7
Hi Amymine. She didn't come right out and say don't tell her but at one point she said she was done with it and it was between God and I. But when she walked in on me closing something and we talked( well I talked she was very upset) later I told her what she had said and that I just kept my disclosures to my men's group. She said "hope you and your men group have a good marriage!" I just need to quit giving into the flesh and bringing unrest to my marriage.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2019 8:24:48 GMT -7
Sounds like she does want to know. That she wants a real relationship with you. The thing is that you need to understand that she is going to hurt and say things that she doesn't mean. It's your job to heal your marriage because your porn addiction broke it. Ask her for boundaries. Those boundaries will help her feel safe, give her something to help hold you accountable, and give you some clear cut things that she wants or needs to see from you. You will be working together as a couple was meant to do. If she refuses, then it's up to you to heal the relationship to the point where she might consider boundaries.
She is right about one thing. Your porn addiction is between you and God first. That being said it affects her also and as such you do need to ask her how involved she wants to be. Get concrete answers from her. Does she want you to come to her and disclose when you stumble or would she rather find out by catching you looking at porn? I know for me, I would rather the first because then I could help by praying with and for and I don't have to see it...which can be a shock and add to the trauma.
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javajake
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Posts: 382
Occupation: retired
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Post by javajake on Aug 23, 2019 9:01:52 GMT -7
Yes I have actually done most of what you suggest. First confessing every fall. That wore her out. Then asking her just to ask me once a week. No she says. Then asking her when I start falling what does she want me to do..she says stop. It seems to much for her. Her childhood was a living hell. Father was a demon to her and her sisters. He was a molester. The conversation is always awkward. She seems to not want to be involved directly. I don't blame her.
She is my best friend but can be very harsh in these conversations. I'm very passive so naturally will avoid these if I can. I was doing fairly well for a while till I read material from Biblical Gender Roles website. I have inquired of the Lord on how to approach this also. Appreciate your responses!
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Post by savedbygrace on Aug 23, 2019 10:15:16 GMT -7
Hi javajake, and welcome!
I can try to weigh in on this question, from my own experience, realizing that each of us, and our wives, are totally unique.
My wife knows I have the struggle. She also believes that "sorry is as sorry does." I have not been confessing every fall.
So I really have no advice to give, but I'm truly thankful to see you here, because so many hardly ever post.
How can we help one another to do better? How can our prayers and stuff we share on here encourage a brother to hold on to God's promises when Satan tries to pull us into that "zone" where we think we are powerless to resist? What is your input on these questions?
For sure, I need to pray more for all us here.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2019 17:43:31 GMT -7
Reply to JavaJake on BlazingGrace
Hi Jake, I read your post. Sounds like lust still have a grip on you. I know how it goes. Here is my short story. Found s.x had age 5, lived in secrecy all my life in p.rn. Until 18 when I joined the military. Then fell back into it again. Got married, fell back into p.rn. All the while going to church. Everything changed for us three years ago. My wife left me, my brother in Christ took me in. I was seen by a Christian Drug Addiction Counselor and Pastor. He told me that I looked dead in my eyes and that I need to quit sinning against God. He led me to read the Bible and left me to seek God. God became very real to me. I cried and confessed all my sins to Jesus and saw a picture of Jesus loving me dying on the cross for my sins. I felt loved by God and not fearful of anything. I was encouraged by my brother in Christ to read the scriptures everyday without fail. God has enabled me to do that and with a willingness not out of fake desire. I go to church now with my wife and children every Sunday and as much as I can. My life in Christ is this now. I try to share and help others who are also like me. God can help you like He helped me.
I think Proverbs 2 talks about how to get the fear of the Lord. We need this in our Christian walk. Get the fear of the Lord back and for real.
2. Get rid of any idols or anything you do or spend a lot of time on. TV. Movies, internet. All can become like a gateway drug to lead us back into the sins if our past.
3. I had to change my email and phone number for people contacting me. Change anything you feel the Lord telling you to change. If it's Facebook, just delete the account.
4. Get a flip phone and lose the smart phone. I did. It's helping me.
5. Give all your money to your wife and live from pay to pay on low money. Like 40 dollars. I do and it helps. These are just boundaries I do and I felt the Lord telling me to do it. Maybe your convictions are not the same but ask yourself, what can I change to stop the temptation from being so strong because we can't 100 percent fully stop it but we can make healthy boundaries.
6. Lose the internet completely, 1,2,3 years. See how long you can go. And on,y get on when you are with your wife or at work with other co-workers around. I do and it helps.
7. Don't flirt with other women.
8. Keep your conversations with other women short. Hello and how are you is enough. Make friends with brothers at church and not the sisters. I keep this rule for myself and need to, to gain sanity and become trustworthy again. I might never become trustworthy to my wife but I will do it for Jesus.
9. Lose your rights to s.x. if your wife is upset. Don't act act out. If she is not well, don't push her. Go to bed everyday with hope that God will help you oast this trial. You can do this after we surrender our rights to the Lord and seek to do his will.
10. Fast, pray. Matthew 4. Use the Word of God as your power and bread to know the truth and be faithful to Jesus. Fight the enemy of devil, and world and self. Die to self. Let Jesus live your new life through you. This is not spiritual fluffy words but reality for Christian's.
11. Remember Jesus' last words to us, preach the gospel to every one. This is our duty and Jesus commands us too. If we are stuck in our sins, how can we be of use to Jesus? I examine myself like this.
12. Remember there are other men and women who are in the battle and getting victory over this, so you can too. Jesus wants you to know that and get your strength from Jesus. Jesus said, "Come to me and I will give you rest". Jesus said in John 15, "without Me, you can do nothing"
13. Remember the solemn warning Jesus gave us in Matthew 7:21-23. Please read it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2019 19:40:39 GMT -7
Yes I have actually done most of what you suggest. First confessing every fall. That wore her out. Then asking her just to ask me once a week. No she says. Then asking her when I start falling what does she want me to do..she says stop. It seems to much for her. Her childhood was a living hell. Father was a demon to her and her sisters. He was a molester. The conversation is always awkward. She seems to not want to be involved directly. I don't blame her. She is my best friend but can be very harsh in these conversations. I'm very passive so naturally will avoid these if I can. I was doing fairly well for a while till I read material from Biblical Gender Roles website. I have inquired of the Lord on how to approach this also. Appreciate your responses! Her past explains a lot. I and my younger sisters were molested by our father. I have one sister that is like your wife. I bet your wife has a soft heart and feels deeply and to counter that she avoids things that bring up bad memories. I and my other sister are more direct and grab the bull by the horns type. I guess I am remiss in telling you that I fell into porn myself. Been an overcomer for 9+ years. Also my ex was an addict. You can find my story here throughout the forums. We would like to see you be a regular member here. Please feel free to post in any of the forums. I would suggest starting a thread in the accountability section. |
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javajake
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Posts: 382
Occupation: retired
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Post by javajake on Aug 24, 2019 10:14:16 GMT -7
Thanks Amymine, Savedbygrace and Dominic for your welcomes and responses!! Will reply to each of your posts soon. Getting a feel on how to work the quote and reply process.
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javajake
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Posts: 382
Occupation: retired
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Post by javajake on Aug 25, 2019 9:21:00 GMT -7
How can we help one another to do better? How can our prayers and stuff we share on here encourage a brother to hold on to God's promises when Satan tries to pull us into that "zone" where we think we are powerless to resist? What is your input on these questions? Have you seen the first Matrix movie? Neo goes to see the Oracle for the first time and during the conversation she has him look at a sign above the kitchen door which is in latin. She asks does he knows what it means. Neo says no. She exlpains it says "Know Thy Self". I believe we always start here. I will share a bit more with you about my path into my besetting sin. Like I shared it began around 13. At some point I am exposed to pornography in some magazines at my friends house. They were his Dad's. They were very hardcore. At 13 when the switch between "I really don't care about girls to why do they make me feel funny now?" this gripped me very hard. I was raised in a very undisciplined house. Dad and Mom somehow let us kids run the show. We were undisciplined brats. This carried over into my relationship with God. We did go to a Lutheran church and school. Had to learn and memorize Bible verses and doctrines for confirmation. I believed all of it but never actually came to Christ. At 19 I married my first wife and love. A year later I was saying to myself this isn't the answer to my problems either and started to ponder what was. God in His mercy pursued me at my job through another believer. I resisted but God finally caught my attention with a Bible verse. “But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.” Isaiah 64:6 It convicted me to the core. I not only had porn issues but drug issues. I saw the salvation that God provided for in Christ not only to be believed but to be believe on. Things changed inside and out. I all of a sudden had the power to say no to myself and sin. And I wanted to do right and follow God! But I was ignorant of the fact the old nature does not go away. And when the battle begins I am easily discouraged. And discipline becomes a problem. Refer to my childhood. If you like you could share your background and story. If not that is ok. But it helps to understand how we got here and why. |
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javajake
Silver Member
Posts: 382
Occupation: retired
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Post by javajake on Aug 25, 2019 10:28:06 GMT -7
I agree Dominic. Have had serious doubts about my salvation because of this. But I know I believed on the salvation God has provided for me in Christ. Before I seriously believed on Christ I couldn't get enough sin. After, I remember for the first time in my life I cried like a baby cause I gave into sin. I do lack in many of the things you mentioned to stay strong in the Lord. I am a lazy inconsistent Christian. I have over examined every aspect of my faith and Christian walk and it has literally exhausted me.
12. Remember there are other men and women who are in the battle and getting victory over this, so you can too. Jesus wants you to know that and get your strength from Jesus. Jesus said, "Come to me and I will give you rest". Jesus said in John 15, "without Me, you can do nothing" (This Here)
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javajake
Silver Member
Posts: 382
Occupation: retired
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Post by javajake on Aug 25, 2019 10:32:52 GMT -7
Yes I have actually done most of what you suggest. First confessing every fall. That wore her out. Then asking her just to ask me once a week. No she says. Then asking her when I start falling what does she want me to do..she says stop. It seems to much for her. Her childhood was a living hell. Father was a demon to her and her sisters. He was a molester. The conversation is always awkward. She seems to not want to be involved directly. I don't blame her. She is my best friend but can be very harsh in these conversations. I'm very passive so naturally will avoid these if I can. I was doing fairly well for a while till I read material from Biblical Gender Roles website. I have inquired of the Lord on how to approach this also. Appreciate your responses! Her past explains a lot. I and my younger sisters were molested by our father. I have one sister that is like your wife. I bet your wife has a soft heart and feels deeply and to counter that she avoids things that bring up bad memories. I and my other sister are more direct and grab the bull by the horns type. I guess I am remiss in telling you that I fell into porn myself. Been an overcomer for 9+ years. Also my ex was an addict. You can find my story here throughout the forums. We would like to see you be a regular member here. Please feel free to post in any of the forums. I would suggest starting a thread in the accountability section. I'm really sorry to hear that Amymine. It happens all to much. Glad you have overcome. It's not often I hear, but have, that women have porn issues also. Thanks for sharing. |
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Post by savedbygrace on Aug 25, 2019 11:14:20 GMT -7
Thanks, Jake, for sharing your background.
I was blessed with a strong Christian home, although sadly my dad passed on when I was very small. Mom did a great job of holding everything together.
I should have done much better considering my good childhood.
My big battle now is to remember that when that "feeling" comes over me that I think I can't resist, God is still there for me!
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javajake
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Posts: 382
Occupation: retired
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Post by javajake on Aug 25, 2019 20:47:01 GMT -7
I understand all to well sbg. I am going to move to the accountablility section soon as Amymine suggested. Cya there.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2019 12:09:42 GMT -7
Thanks, Jake, for sharing your background. I was blessed with a strong Christian home, although sadly my dad passed on when I was very small. Mom did a great job of holding everything together. I should have done much better considering my good childhood. My big battle now is to remember that when that "feeling" comes over me that I think I can't resist, God is still there for me! Hey, sin is an equal opportunity getter so to speak. Background doesn't matter. We all fall. Only Jesus was perfectly sinless and even He endured the punishment of sin for us. So He knows what it is like. That there ought to humble all of us to mere groveling at our Lord's feet. |
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