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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2018 15:12:17 GMT -7
I need help and prayers. My husband and I have had a rough few months. A lot of highs and a lot of lows. Our major problem now is the issue of him looking around in public places. I've seen him be really intentional about how he conducts himself at times but I've also seen him let his guard down and let his eyes roam the room too much. Every time it happens it causes problems. He denies that he is looking for wrong reasons. Most of the time he says he didn't realize he was doing it. Our resolution has been for him to commit to being more aware of it especially in public and staying in control of where he puts his eyes. Ive asked that if he trips up with lust that he would simply admit that it happened. He has denied that it has ever happened but he still looks around. Today we went to the eye dr. And the tech was dressed in revealing clothing that was his trigger in the past. He averted his eyes while I was there but when I got up to go the bathroom it was in use and when I turned around I saw him lean out of his chair to look around the corner where the tech had gone. He said "if" he did it which he didn't recall, that he wasn't doing it for that purpose. How am I supposed to deal with it? Every time he looks where he shouldn't its the same thing. I either have to believe that he is not to be trusted or deny my instincts and accept what he says. He says.i am holding on to fear.and I say that I am expecting him to keep his word about controlling his eyes.
He has done really good with everything else but he has never once come clean about anything unless he is caught so I don't know what to believe. It hurts every single time. I dont know whether or not I can believe what he says yet and if he is doing the right things then why would he take the chance to look around when he knows what is at stake?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2018 5:37:14 GMT -7
Mrs. H, trust your instincts. What he is doing is wrong. It's lust plain and simple. Your husband needs to control his eyes and his thoughts. The eyes are the windows of the soul. So what does that say about someone when their eyes are gazing and following after something that causes them to sin? He is also trying to gas light you. Gas lighting is instinctual when they are addicted to sin and trying to stay in the sin and not get caught. I have posted several videos here on gas lighting and being manipulated by an addict. A good counselor to watch on YouTube is Patrick Doyle. The Dove TV hosts him. He deals with addicts and their families from a Christian perspective. I highly recommend him. His videos have helped many of the women who come here.
I am praying for you. I will find one of Patrick's videos and link it here for you.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2018 5:43:44 GMT -7
Ok this is just to get you started. He has so many videos. I will post one more.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2018 5:45:45 GMT -7
Ok last one. Also there is a video on gas lighting that is pinned to the top of this forum. Not by Patrick but it explains it well.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2018 8:49:23 GMT -7
amymine712 Would you please speak with me on this a little further? I spoke to my h more last night and he told me that the issues I have addressed were innocent. He asked me, do you believe God is at work in me? Do you believe Ive changed? Do you believe I love you? And I had to say yes. I have seen so many changes in him. Humility, openness, commitment to his 8 week course and many revelations that came out of it. Every argument we have had on these types of issues he discussed with his group and according to him he wasnt told that he was doing anything wrong. One of the BG books says to determine whether the h is repentant or not and whether or not there are signs of changes and that determination helps you know how hard to hit back at issues as far as consequences. Its important that he can admit that he looked deliberately around the corner when my back was turned but he said it was innocent. I told him that he knew the temptation was there and he made the choice to look for whatever reason. I told him I believe that he has an ingrained habit of denial. Where if he doesnt allow himself to fully form the thought in his mind that he is playing around with lust and temptation then he can feel comfortable making risky decisions as to where he puts his eyes. I am lost because if I could truly see his intention, which I can't, it would be easy for me to know what to do. He would be put out until if/when he got honest and serious. Since I dont truly know whats in his heart I am scared to make such a decision based solely on my instincts. I've prayed over and over for the Lord to show me clearly whether or not he is lying to me but I haven't received that clarity. I told him to ask the Lord why this issue keeps coming up. If he truly isn't lusting then in my opinion he is leaving the door cracked to allow it.to come in later. We have shared so many truly exciting revelations and changes from the Lord and I don't want my lack of faith or fear issue to tear that down. Would it be fair to say if I see him "looking" again that there will be a consequence? What is a proper action step for someone who has had an issue with looking at women his whole life? The one we agreed on was that he would remove himself if needed, situate himself to be protected from view and that he would tell me that he is aware and sees danger so that I would know he is on guard. Public places are always a source of temptation and therefore stress but I thought we were getting a little better. I want to be fair but I am prepared to make hard decisions if needed. Last night he went in to such a place of despair. He said he felt that eventually I would leave him and that we would never be able be truly free from what he has done. He asked me to draw near to him but i didn't because I told him he had to make a choice between bad behavior and me. It hurt him for me to withdraw in that way because according to him it was done in innocence. He says that satan is causing these problems and fear and doubt in me.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2018 12:07:08 GMT -7
amymine712 Would you please speak with me on this a little further? I spoke to my h more last night and he told me that the issues I have addressed were innocent. He asked me, do you believe God is at work in me? Do you believe Ive changed? Do you believe I love you? And I had to say yes. I have seen so many changes in him. Humility, openness, commitment to his 8 week course and many revelations that came out of it. Every argument we have had on these types of issues he discussed with his group and according to him he wasnt told that he was doing anything wrong. One of the BG books says to determine whether the h is repentant or not and whether or not there are signs of changes and that determination helps you know how hard to hit back at issues as far as consequences. Its important that he can admit that he looked deliberately around the corner when my back was turned but he said it was innocent. I told him that he knew the temptation was there and he made the choice to look for whatever reason. I told him I believe that he has an ingrained habit of denial. Where if he doesnt allow himself to fully form the thought in his mind that he is playing around with lust and temptation then he can feel comfortable making risky decisions as to where he puts his eyes. I am lost because if I could truly see his intention, which I can't, it would be easy for me to know what to do. He would be put out until if/when he got honest and serious. Since I dont truly know whats in his heart I am scared to make such a decision based solely on my instincts. I've prayed over and over for the Lord to show me clearly whether or not he is lying to me but I haven't received that clarity. I told him to ask the Lord why this issue keeps coming up. If he truly isn't lusting then in my opinion he is leaving the door cracked to allow it.to come in later. We have shared so many truly exciting revelations and changes from the Lord and I don't want my lack of faith or fear issue to tear that down. Would it be fair to say if I see him "looking" again that there will be a consequence? What is a proper action step for someone who has had an issue with looking at women his whole life? The one we agreed on was that he would remove himself if needed, situate himself to be protected from view and that he would tell me that he is aware and sees danger so that I would know he is on guard. Public places are always a source of temptation and therefore stress but I thought we were getting a little better. I want to be fair but I am prepared to make hard decisions if needed. Last night he went in to such a place of despair. He said he felt that eventually I would leave him and that we would never be able be truly free from what he has done. He asked me to draw near to him but i didn't because I told him he had to make a choice between bad behavior and me. It hurt him for me to withdraw in that way because according to him it was done in innocence. He says that satan is causing these problems and fear and doubt in me. Mrs. H, first did you notice how he twisted the focus back on you instead of his behavior? Classic gas lighting. One way to nip that in the bud, start out your conversation with the validation on the things you have noticed that have changed for the better. Example: H, I can see God working in you and the changes He has wrought in you. I see the effort you are putting into following Christ and how that effort translates into loving me. I am truly grateful to God for the work He is doing in you and through you to better our marriage. Thank you for listening to God and following Him to heal our marriage. I am concerned about (insert behaviour here). I know you are diligently working with Christ to overcome (insert behaviour here). I have noticed (behaviour) on (bring up current occurrence). How can I help you with overcoming this behavior? .... Now if this is a repeat offense and boundaries have been put into place, you need to stand by your boundaries. Also keep the conversation focus on him. Do not bring up your feelings...that will just give him the opportunity to put the focus back on you. If you need to voice your feelings, write them down. Read what you wrote, and if it is still relevant, give him the letter and have him respond back in writing. If it isn't something you want him to see, destroy it. Tear it up, burn it. You H needs to move forward in his awareness of his actions. He needs to learn to guard his eyes and he needs to have a zero tolerance policy towards where he let's his eyes wander. You needed to bring that to his attention but now it's up to him and our mighty God to bring that to fruition. You can and should put a boundary in place for this behaviour. Ask the Lord to guide you in what it should be. One boundary won't work for everyone. You and the Lord know your marriage best. Also don't let him get away with blaming Satan and putting it back on you. The only thing Satan did was tempt your H, your H did the rest by giving into that sin and doing that caused the rift in your marriage and broke the trust. Your H needs to gain back the trust he destroyed by sinning and that takes time and effort on his part. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2018 12:27:15 GMT -7
Thank you so much for this valuable guidance.
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