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Lying
Sept 20, 2018 16:33:47 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2018 16:33:47 GMT -7
My husband has been very repentant and going through couples book and is just starting the 8 week course. He has been so attentive and responsive and says that he has finally told me the full truth about everything that's gone on in 25 years of marriage.
According to him he has been free from P since January 2018 except for one attempt that I caught him in and some struggles checking out women which he has stopped doing.
I've stressed to him that more than the P I'm concerned about the lies and deception. He accepted responsibility for that and committed to telling the full truth in all things. We have had a good week and I felt myself starting to feel that I could trust him at his word about where he is at because we have shared so much in prayer and intimacy and it encouraged my heart. Today, I caught him in a dumb lie over something really insignificant that isnt about porn, at least I dont think it is. He instantly apologized and said he had been in the process of texting to confess it when I texted him that he was caught in a lie. I told him that he has taken the little trust we were building and torn it back down. I find myself thinking of he would lie about something so dumb then surely he would lie about his P use. He doesnt want me to "take away" what we have been building and I told him that I am not taking it away, he just stomped on it by his choice to lie. He said it was just a fall and it doesnt mean that everything else is untrue.
Can anyone help me? I dont know if.Im being unfair. I said yes I forgive but that the consequence of lying is broken trust. Maybe I havent even really forgiven? I dont trust him and I dont know if he has been lying all along or not. I dont think he has but I dont know anything for sure and not sure where to go from here.
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Lying
Sept 20, 2018 20:39:10 GMT -7
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Post by ladystrong on Sept 20, 2018 20:39:10 GMT -7
My husband has been very repentant and going through couples book and is just starting the 8 week course. He has been so attentive and responsive and says that he has finally told me the full truth about everything that's gone on in 25 years of marriage. According to him he has been free from P since January 2018 except for one attempt that I caught him in and some struggles checking out women which he has stopped doing. I've stressed to him that more than the P I'm concerned about the lies and deception. He accepted responsibility for that and committed to telling the full truth in all things. We have had a good week and I felt myself starting to feel that I could trust him at his word about where he is at because we have shared so much in prayer and intimacy and it encouraged my heart. Today, I caught him in a dumb lie over something really insignificant that isnt about porn, at least I dont think it is. He instantly apologized and said he had been in the process of texting to confess it when I texted him that he was caught in a lie. I told him that he has taken the little trust we were building and torn it back down. I find myself thinking of he would lie about something so dumb then surely he would lie about his P use. He doesnt want me to "take away" what we have been building and I told him that I am not taking it away, he just stomped on it by his choice to lie. He said it was just a fall and it doesnt mean that everything else is untrue. Can anyone help me? I dont know if.Im being unfair. I said yes I forgive but that the consequence of lying is broken trust. Maybe I havent even really forgiven? I dont trust him and I dont know if he has been lying all along or not. I dont think he has but I dont know anything for sure and not sure where to go from here. Welcome to BG . For me, forgiveness has been a process. A little over a year and a half after my H’s confession of physical adultery, I’m finally at a point where I can take in and really accept the parable that Jesus shared in Matthew 18:21-35 about forgiveness towards him but especially towards OW (other woman). God has done a huge work in me to get this far in my healing journey. I think it’s different for everyone. Since you’re questioning if you’ve truly forgiven him, I believe you are in a very good place. It gives you the openness to hear from God and to really dig deeper in your spiritual journey. Since he’s been struggling with lust and lying to you for the last 25 years of marriage it is wise to not trust him much and to only trust him on a surface level. It takes a lot of time to change the habit of lying. How long has it been since working on recovery together? As you already know, rebuilding trust takes a LONG time but it’s worth it. I don’t think you’re being unfair since all his lying has been going on for 25 years. That’s a lot of history to sift through and heal from. Sounds like the wound is still fresh so it’s understandable that you’re not sure if what he has said/is saying is true or false. His consistent work in being open and honest with you will rebuild the trust. I hope that he sees that sooner rather than later. Unfortunately, it sounds like he’s still in the mode of “blame-shifting” by telling you that you’re “taking away” the trust that was built. At some point I hope he gets it that he has made bad choices and that he has caused the trust to crumble. I can say that in my own marriage, my H’s habit of lying became more clear after his adultery and before his confession. I knew something was off but couldn’t put my finger on it. And when i kept getting hit with stuff every 3-6 months due to his lying and personal shame, I had had enough. That’s when I called a counseling session with our pastor and finally, two weeks later, he confessed. Confessing what happened and confronting OW broke the huge spiritual bondage that we were in and radically changed our lives. I’m not thankful for what happened, but I am thankful for what God has done through our lives! Are you both seeking couples counseling? Are you getting individual counseling as well? Is he being kept accountable by another godly man? All these parts will help your marriage to heal well, with a scar as your testimony of God’s healing power. And, since you can’t change him, what kinds of things are you doing for yourself in this time of healing? I hope you are able to do things to keep yourself sane in all of this craziness. May you be blessed tonight in your rest
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Post by Deleted on Sept 21, 2018 8:01:45 GMT -7
Thank you Ladystrong! After I posted last night we had another talk about it. He recognized that "little" lies are the devils way of gaining a foothold. He said he was instantly convicted of it and was trying to confess. I believe that he is sincere and can see that the Holy Spirit truly opened his eyes last night because instead of a fight, we ended our talk with him submitting to the correction from the Lord.and I saw true joy in his eyes afterward rather than anger or shame.He has tried really hard to be open and to break the habit of lying but knows he has work to do. He finally accepted.what I was saying and accepted that building trust was his responsibility. We first started this ordeal 4 years ago when he had to confess to a several years earlier text/online affair because the OW's H confronted him. We kept it to ourselves and dealt with it through prayer and the Word but he soon got right back in to P. I found out in Jan 2018. This time was so much harder because he used prayer and Christian terms and even Scripture to manipulate me so I wouldn't find out. I felt very alone because I didnt think I could tell anyone because of the damage it could do to our family. Honestly the Holy Spirit has been our only counselor through this for most of it. He led me to the info I needed when I had a feeling my H was back in the P. He broke my husband this time and he finally realized the damage done and that our marriage would not continue if he stayed in P. He stopped using P and gave me full access to track his location and all devices. A few months ago, he finally confessed the full extent of things. It has been very hard and painful but we are healing in a miraculous way. I pressed him to start BG because I told him that even though he is strong currently that he needed to go through a process of confession and full exposure and growth to strengthen him and to remove temptation as much as he is able to. Our confirmation that BG was the right move was to hear/read all of the things the Lord has shown us personally restated in the BG process. He is currently working through BG and has a new accountability partner and we are doing the couples book together. I finally opened up to a few trusted people that I know will give me godly biblical counsel, love and prayer support.
The Lord has given me such compassion for my husband but at the same time, I fully realize that of he chooses infidelity by P again, the next truly loving thing I can do for him is to put him out of the home. The Lord will turn us over to the sin for the saving of the soul and if someone chooses darkness, there comes a time when we are to do the same. At first, I felt like I was a victim but now I realize that I am strong and there is no one better positioned to help him than.me--even if that means putting him out. I dont feel desperate to save the marriage but instead I am passionate in doing all I can to help my husband achieve freedom. I told my H that and he knows that I am fully resolved to follow through. On the issue of forgiveness, it gets confusing when you try to balance, true heart forgiveness with the daily life in relationship with the person who hurt you. But I feel that God showed me what to do in His example. He forgives us fully now past present and future but He also in love requires repentance and obedience and will allow consequences when we refuse. I know now that I have forgiven but it's also ok to hold my H accountable to consequences when he messes up. And I'm proud of him for finally fully owning up. We are still in the journey but we are not in it alone.The Lord is in control.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 21, 2018 9:41:19 GMT -7
Hi Mrs. H. Welcome to BG.
I think Lady spoke all my thoughts very well. Lying is part of the sin addiction of porn. It takes work to break that habit and lots of prodding from the Holy Spirit.
I am so thankful that your husband has had a breakthrough in this area. He needs to be aware that he will have to work at being truthful and he will have to work at regaining your trust.
I am also thankful that God is working in you to heal your hurts. I will be praying that you both continue to fight and work for your marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2018 12:27:53 GMT -7
Admin Hat On:
Ok everyone. I have cleaned up this thread. I deleted several posts that were causing dissension and hurt. I am aware that the posts were not intended to do that however I am asking everyone to stop and consider if what they are posting will encourage and uplift. If it is questionable, do not post it.
Admin Hat off
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Lying
Sept 23, 2018 15:13:44 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2018 15:13:44 GMT -7
Mrs. H, how are you doing hon?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2018 18:15:58 GMT -7
amymine712: Doing pretty good, thank you! We had good worship time in church which gave us a much needed refreshing. This is such an exhausting journey but I heard from the Lord today and received what I needed to refocus. My husband is doing so well and I'm so proud of him. The hardest part is not being afraid of the future. Waiting for the floor to drop out from under you, scared to enjoy the beautiful moments because you know they can be snatched away in an instant. A good friend shared her testimony about not long ago about her journey to forgiveness. She said hate what is evil but also cling to what is good. That resonated in my heart. That's what I'm reaching for today.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2018 18:42:38 GMT -7
God is good. He always provides us with what we need.
I am glad you have friends that can encourage you and raise you up in prayer.
Thank you Lord for helping this couple work on their marriage. Help them to overcome and regain what the enemy has taken. Work in them and through and make this one of their testimonies on your goodness. In Jesus name I pray.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2018 18:56:42 GMT -7
Amen
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