Free from porn l, now what?

Welcome to BG Mc. Praise God for helping you have victory over P. It’s good that you confessed your past P use to a potential mate. Takes a lot of courage to tell the truth and allow the other person choose if they want to continue to build a relationship with you or not. I think what you’re experiencing are the effects of P and M in your life on a small scale. The effects of P and M, if not disclosed to your mate before marriage can be very detrimental. In my H’s case, he had not been upfront about his past sexual involvement with other girls in high school and college, nor was he upfront about his past with P and M. He had a very bad experience in the first church he joined (cultish) where everyone had to look good and if you confessed your sin, you were considered a “threat” to the congregation. As a result, he kept certain doors closed in his heart to Jesus and myself. We did go to premarital counseling but it was not as thorough as it needed to be to safeguard against adultery. I did not even know he viewed P during our marriage until I asked him after he had lied about other things. Eventually, he confessed about his physical adultery after a culmination of lies that I could not tolerate anymore.

That’s the crux of P and M- hiding, selfishness, shame, fear, self-loathing, self-soothing to “help” oneself get through the pain of life. If you are truthful and the woman you love can accept your past, you will be fine. If you can communicate with your spouse and be open about your struggles with her and with other godly men, you will greatly minimize the effects of P and M. If you are wholeheartedly seeking after the Lord and truly listening to His voice, you will gain the trust and keep the trust of your wife. Trust is a precious thing that is easily broken and very hard to rebuild once lies come in.

I would encourage you to read some of the posts from the Wives section. You will see clearly the heartache that many are still going through because of their husband’s P and M, their husband’s lack of change, and their husband’s hardened hearts. It truly is heartbreaking. We are talking about YEARS of effects.

I can attest that once lies are confessed and repentance truly happens, it opens up the door for healing and rebuilding. My H and I are in recovery from his physical adultery and are doing WAY better than we’ve ever done in our marriage. Still, the trust was majorly broken and needs to be rebuilt brick by brick. It’s been about 16 months since his confession and I’ve been doing a lot better by the grace of God, through therapy (individual and couples), and through fellowship with other women in our church. I still carry the pain but I know it will not be there forever since it lessens little by little.

Be encouraged, friend. I’m sure it hurt to be turned down but God will honor your honesty and your desire to follow Him wholeheartedly. We women are often looking for men to be “Jesus on earth” (perfect) to us, but we have to let go of that facade. I pray that God would lead you to the right wife who will accept you as you are and join you in the fight for purity.

I apologize if my reply seemed heavy handed. I think most of us just don’t realize beforehand the depth of the impact on the spouse when P, M or A happen. Amy is right about the scar- it will be a reminder of what happens when you choose your own way instead of God’s. It will also remind you of how God rescued you and redeemed your life for His purposes.

Thank you all or your imput. It's encouraging.

For me, my sins lied to me to think "my wife is my sex object" and for years I was using her for sex, not truly loving her because I was watching porn, having affairs, etc. That is the results. If you get married, it will not "fix" the problem. The problem has to be properly identified. Sex addiction, according to Romans 1, is idolatry and adultery. These are two idols(sins/addictions/mental strongholds/fortresses) that must be put to death immediately - in Christ. When we trust in Christ, we are dead. Gal 2:20. Romans 6 says to recognize the 'old man is dead' and we are now alive to Christ. Now how does that play into marriage. Like this. 

When you approach your wife for intmacy. This your priviledge, not a right, because she is not there to "do what the porn taught us to do" she is there for you and you are there for her. You must treat her right, not demand acts you saw in the sick porn fantasy world. Porn lies and says "do this and this way" 

No, Wrong. Do not do that and do not do it that way. 

There is nothing wrong is sex, but there are wrong kinds of sex. I'm not going to get into details but this is between you and your wife (future wife) and God. You both have a conscience and you will see and discover that what you both agree on is NOT what the porn taught you. 


For example, if your future wife or wife knows that you had some issue with porn, she might fear "Is this how he imagined I would be like to him?" So this must be about you and her loving each other. Ok. 

Also porn teaches us another lie "we can have sex anytime we want" Nope. Not true. I know there are some wifes who talk about wanting to be intimate with their husband, but some are so hurt, they can't even be touched or something else, so you have to wait until she is ready. She might not be ready for a while and you will be tested. 

For example, here is anther one, when your wife is on her time of the month (period). So you have to wait for her. To many times, I went to my wife for "help" (you know what I'm talking about) and put me in my place. "You're selfish, you can't wait for me, this is only about you" and if she is so gracious to give you "help" you will actually be feeding the addiction more, and be getting taught "I can still get sex, even when she is on her monthly and I am good". It's really sad because I got many times what I wanted, but was still enslaved to sexual sins or porn and masturbation. Honestly, it's a sin of idolatry where I am obsessed about my own body parts and the body parts of others. I'm trying calling it what it is. 

Having to wait for your wife, until she is ready, AND willing is the way to go. Not asking for "quickies" or "sexual favors" because she might tell you "you are impatient and selfish" and there might some gracious  really loving wifes out there who are all for that kind of "helpping their husbands" but that is only teaching the husband "I can make my wife help me, because I need release every 3 days" That is not true. know why? how long did Joseph wait until he was married with Mary? Over 9 months. Bam! The lie is exposed. You are not having to orgasm every 3 days, but I heard a Pastor say this to my shock. We were in a men's prayer meeting and all the guys were in a circle and he said "You got to get release every 3 days" and we all were laughing and chuckling. Honestly, what does that tell you? It tells you "Hey, me (pastor) and my wife, do it every three days"

Well, no, that makes me think. How? Doesn't a wife have a period that lasts for 7 or so days? And every three days, so if my math is right, you are "bothering" or "asking for sexual help" during the middle of her period, because you (or I) were horny and couldn't wait for her for 7 or 8 days? Really? And you are doing to tell that to a bunch of guys? Wow, I told my wife this and she just laughed. I knew she was not in agreement with that kind of thinking because she oftens often often tells me "no". 

Why would my wife help a sex addict me, to get more sexual favors and just fueling my lust fire? Why can't I wait for her to finish her monthly period? So, there is a better way, it's love, and love is patient. She is teaching me the hard way. And when I get upset, I know, I am obsessing over her body and sex and idolatry is now back in play and I need to repent of this. Come on now. 

I know in the beginning sex was awesome, many times a day probably, but it will die down. Period, she finds out about your porn. or anger or something else. What will we do? It's a test. God is watching and so is Satan. God is watching for our good to be there, and be to God of true help and true hope. Satan is there to make you enslaved to sin, make you resent your wife and turn to other women. (Proverbs 5-7). this is how I am talking to myself and how I am thinking to myself now, because I don't ever want to go back. I've caused enougth pain and damage, and if I don't repent (or life a life of faith showing my works), then I am going to have a very hot hell.