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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2006 16:58:11 GMT -7
Hello everyone. I just found this site today and I'm glad I did. I'm sure it was the Lord.
I am the most blessed man on earth. I have a beautiful and loving wife of almost 11 years. For the most part we have a very good emotional, spiritual and physical relationship. We have seven beautiful children ages nine to one, we homeschool, and I have a Christian home business that allows me to be home with my family every day. My wife has the gift of writing and singing beautiful Christian music by herself and with our children. We have traveled and she has ministered in song in many churches over the years. God has blessed us abundantly and I'm grateful. So many think we are the "perfect" family. I wish it were so.
So why am I writing in this forum? Because everything is really "perfect" for us with the exception of one (BIG) thing: the addiction that stemmed from one single click on a SPAM email in September 2000. From that day until this day I have been addicted to pornography. I'm so ashamed to admit it. My usage of it is much, much less now than it was several years ago, but it's not gone. Just today I "stumbled" into it a little; although I got out pretty quick. But I feel defeated again, of course. It may be two weeks before it happens again, but I live in fear that I can't quite overcome it. I'm just waiting for the "next slip." I hate it!
I believe I became a Christian back in 1986, and there weren't many "besetting sins" that I had to deal with. But that one click in 2000 kicked me in the teeth and I find the I'm no match for it. I've done everything I can think of to get free without success. I'm at the point now where I really doubt my salvation. How could a true Christian really remain addicted when the Gospel message is one of freedom? I've cried out to God for deliverance with sincerity and tears hundreds of times. I took a course online that lasted 60 days. It was intense and very good, but it didn't work for me. I have very good blocking software on my PC. My wife has the password. In addition, I have not been able to secure a true male accountability partner who will pray with me and help me on a daily and weekly basis, if necessary.
Seven weeks ago I moved my entire family to the south from New York. We are now away from all family and friends, but I did it with the hopes of "starting over" in a new environment. There is a friend here who I thought was going to help me through all this, but he's not been around much at all since we moved. Before and during the move I was without porn for 1 1/2 months. That was the longest in a very long time (years). I was refreshed and excited. But the last two weeks has been bad and I've fallen. I'm really at my wits end and not sure what to do. My wife does know about my addiction and she is loving and understanding. But she does not know that I have fallen since we arrived at our new home. I'm too afraid that she will freak out. I know I need to be upfront with her, and I plan to at some point. But I need to be sensitive to her emotions as well and she couldn't bear it now. I'm ready to get over this NOW. Enough!
I need to be free and long for it more than life itself. I'm rambling, but if anyone has any ideas I'd appreciate it. Thanks so much. God bless.
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Post by Steve on May 28, 2006 8:11:24 GMT -7
I need to be free and long for it more than life itself. I'm rambling, but if anyone has any ideas I'd appreciate it. Thanks so much. God bless. Welcome ampm9! Thank you so much for sharing. Well, in regards to your request for ideas... I realize I might sound like a "broken record" sometimes about this, but my main input is to seek out people in your real life whom you can confide in, who will help you and will listen to your struggles without judging you. Even if it's just one person whom you can meet with regularly. I strongly suggest finding a counselor who specializes and is trained in helping men get free of sexual addiction. Or, find someone in your church who has gotten free himself. If you live in a major city, there are groups out there (such as Sexaholics Anonymous, as one example) in which you can connect with other men who are working towards the same goal. In my humble experience, I haven't seen many get free who attempt to do it alone. Your thoughts, input and reaction? Again, welcome to the forum!  -Steve |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2006 5:51:10 GMT -7
I have not looked for your other posts, so please for give any redundancy.
Is your software failing, or are you getting around it somehow? Or are you accessing porn in some other way?
Please tell your wife sooner rather than later. Yes, it will be difficult, but it will hurt more the longer you wait.
I pray for your recovery and healing, for you and your family.
I am currently trying SafeEyes, which seems to be doing pretty well.
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2006 6:19:51 GMT -7
From my own experience there is no perfect software that blocks it all. If you know of one let me know. If a person is determined enough any fence--no matter how big or thick--can be climbed. I don't want to give any examples because I don't want to cause someone to stumble who might be tempted with going around the software in a weak moment.
The issue is with the heart. Over the years with this struggle I have gone back and forth with the issue of whether or not it matters if you have blocking software. For a long time I felt it wasn't necessary. I'd tell my wife, "It's an issue of the heart. I should be able to resist by God's grace without any software." That's true. But I don't believe that any more. I've come to the conclusion that the blocking software is good because it can put up resistance at the beginning of the impulse to view porn, and it may be just the wall needed to cause me to stop and say "do I really want to do this?" Often it's stopped me and I've come to my senses and not gone down that road. But if I in my heart determine to go around the blocking software then I will find a way to do it and sin anyway. The issue then is with my own heart and wicked desires, which go much deeper than blocking software.
At this point in my Christian life I am seeking what it means to live a cross-life: to die daily to self. I feel that if I do not learn to identify with the death of Christ I will never find victory over this evil addiction. I believe it's within reach. I just need to take it. Thanks for your prayers.
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Post by mike on May 30, 2006 9:49:30 GMT -7
>From my own experience there is no perfect software that blocks it all.
I have yet to hear of a man who couldn't get around blocking software when he wanted to. I recommend Covenant Eyes; it emails a list of every site you visit to the accountability partner of your choice. Doing this will cause you to think long and hard before going to the wrong site - especially if you've made your wife one of those who gets the list.
Software won't change your heart - but it can help cut away the top of the weed so you can deal with the roots.
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2006 9:54:34 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2006 15:13:01 GMT -7
With SafeEyes, any site that is blocked is e-mailed to the administrator/wife. Also, she can select to have the history stored on the SafeEyes server, so it cannot be tampered with like history on the PC. It may not be disabled without the administrator's password. My son tested it with a proxy server, and it was blocked, even though it was an .org address. The category came up as "loophole."
Please tell your wife and maybe she can help plug up the holes, or consider changing software.
Praise God that He provides a way of escape for any temptation. I pray that you will continue to diligently seek those ways.
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