And I thought it wouldn’t happen again

I married my wonderful husband almost 5 years ago. I knew about his prom addiction before we got married. In fact he may have even told me on our first date. You see, when I started dating him I had just gotten out of a 3:5 year relationship with a liar and abusive man. He abused me emotionally and I realized tonight- sexually as well. He too was a sex addict and the guy before him and who knows who else that I’d been with. I was destroyed when I met my DH. My confidence completely shot and insecure and lost. His honesty and kindness were entirely refreshing. I was still at a place where I felt like porn might be okay, I didn’t realize how much it hurt me. As our relationship continued we started getting more active in our church. This helped me open my eyes. Porn was not okay. DH struggled and was *mostly honest with me. He worked a job that was a trap. He couldn’t leave for up to 72 hours at a time and he was alone all day... bored. He couldn’t escape the porn. I kept telling him to leave the job that the Lord will take care of us. He wouldn’t. I question if it’s because he wasn’t ready to let go of his addiction. He liked having the excuse. DH started a 90 program to fight addiction and cried most days feeling overwhelmed with it. He made it the 90 days sober and about a week after he relapsed. I hurt so bad. There were times he didn’t tell me right away when he would. He would lie to me and then tell me later when I called him during the action. Not only was he trapped... so was I. I couldn’t leave the house because I was afraid of leaving him alone and getting hurt all over again. At some point I left... I couldn’t take the hurt anymore. I left for my sisters house 5 hours away with our DS1. When I came back he had a change of heart. I could feel it. Finally after two years at the job we moved in with his parents (job provided housing). After moving in with them DH was able to stay sober. He really worked on his recovery. More lies and hurt were revealed. Half truths uncovered. I went to a support group for about 6 months. Things were looking up. DH was sober for two years. He struggled with lust and he would look at other women. He would tell me and we would work through it. Last month he relapsed. I was crushed. I AM crushed. I couldn’t believe it. Still can’t. Two years! Flushed. Things had been progressively getting worse. He knew it and I knew it. But I didn’t think he would relapse. But he did. I had our 4th child ( we have five- I have one from previous relationship) on Nov 27th. He stayed at the hospital with me for a night but the next he had to go home to our other children. I had a bad feeling while he was gone. I ignored it. DH wrote me in the morning stating that he didn’t want to ruin my day but that he knows I don’t like when he waits to tell me and told me he relapsed again. Crushed once again I ignored the text and decided to deal with it later. I was getting ready to be released from the hospital with our preemie baby (35w5d). For the last few days I have been bursting into anger and frustration. This is new for me. All the times before it’s been hurt. I handled the situation okay when we first talked about it but I exploded a couple days ago. I hated it. I felt terrible after. I always stress to myself that someone is only as honest as you allow them to be. I wasn’t providing a very honest encouraging environment. We talked More and I calmed down and apologized. This morning DH and I spoke and he told me he needed to get something off his chest (a phase I’ve come to seriously hate). He said he needed to tell someone but he didn’t know who and that he feels most comfortable talking to me. He said he didn’t want to hurt me though. I encouraged him to talk to me and he told me that when he slipped up a few days ago that he went to a website for affairs. WHAAT!!!!!!!!!!!! I let him tell me about it as much as he could until our DD kept coming in and wouldn’t go away and kept crying and crying. He then had to get our kids out the door and to church. I stayed home with DS4/5. I feel so torn up inside. I’m lost and hurt and confused. I don’t understand how he could even think of an affair at all. He said that it was just curiousity. That he wondered if there were pictures or videos or something. He got on and there was a sign up and he got off. I should be grateful it didn’t go farther and I am BUT I can’t believe he went to the site in the first place. I feel like his condition was getting better and now it’s gotten worse than it was in the first place. I know he feels awful. And he’s full of shame and guilt. I know he hates to hurt me and that he wants to love me. I know that I love him... very much and that we have the ability to have a wonderful relationship. I know from a logical standpoint that none of this has to do with me but it brings so much insecurity and hurt and depression. Please pray for me and my husband. I need to find a way to heal. I haven’t healed from previous wounds from previous relationships and now this has dug a much deeper hole in my heart. I’m grieving. I feel the same was as went we lost our angel baby in the beginning of our marriage (he died in womb the week of our wedding). I can’t stand to look at my hubby for more than a few seconds. We talked a lot tonight and it felt good to open up to him and have him calm. I want to be able to find healing but I am terrified of his addiction getting worse and ripping more holes in my soul. How Can I go on if he doesn’t “get better”? How could I ever leave though?

Sorry to write so long.