Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2017 8:00:41 GMT -7
My husband was introduce to porn by a roommate in college. He revealed his PA to me about 3 years into our marriage and while I was several months pregnant with our first child (we've been married 4 years now). I didn't know how to respond and it hit me hard a few hours later. I just cried alone in the bathroom. I didn't know what to do. I became obsessed with checking the computer history, searching through files, and finding other ways to keep tabs on him. I would stay up with him until he went to bed at 2am to make sure nothing happened, I had anxiety anytime I left him alone to go to work or the grocery store, and I'd search through his phone whenever he was not near it. I thought things would change if we had more sex, if I dressed a certain way, if we tried different things in bed, and if I just learned how to please him in every area of our marriage. Of course it was all to no avail and, in fact, I was enabling his behavior. My self esteem was at an all time low. When I would find something inappropriate the routine was always the same. I would confront him, we would discuss, we would argue about setting boudaries, nothing would happen, he would feel bad, I would feel bad for bringing it up, then we'd "make up".
I feel like this is not just a PA problem but it's also a computer addiction problem. Every spare moment he gets he wants to spend it on the computer looking up YouTube videos, watching movies, playing stupid computer games, making music, and researching his hobbies and interest. I'm so tired of having to compete not only with porn but with the computer in general. I want to have an intimate relationship with my husband emotionally, spiritually, and of course sexually. All his attention goes to his phone or the computer. I get that he needs some down time to unwind and relax but I'm tired of trying to compete for his attention. We've discussed and argued about this issue. He says that the internet is a tool and that he is never going to give it up. I'm not asking him to give it up completely I'm just wanting him to get his priorities straight.
One night I went to bed and he stayed up on the computer in the living room. I asked the LORD to wake me up if he was doing anything inappropriate. Well, God is faithful, He woke me up. I crept out to the living room and sure enough he was viewing things on his phone and just getting started. He quit doing what he was doing, I stormed off to the bedroom and locked the door, and he slept on the couch. I hardly slept that night. The next morning I saw that he had finally decided to install Covenant Eyes on the devices. That was a step in the right direction and over the next few weeks I slowly tried to trust him again. Of course, I was now obssessed with checking Covenant Eyes every night. I would ask him regularly how he was doing (I thought there might be ways to get around things) he said he was doing alright. I would feel semi hurt but leave it at that because I felt that he was really trying. I had other ways to keep tabs on him and when I found something we would go through the routine again of confrontation, discussing, arguing about setting more boundaries, feeling bad, "making up".
This summer I went to see my family several states away and he stayed home. I felt like we had been on a good streak so I thought I'd see what would happen and try to trust him while I was gone. The night I got back though the first thing I did when he was in the shower was check all the ways I was able to keep tabs on him. Sure enough I found inappropriate things for almost the entire time we were apart. He didn't know I knew yet and when we got in bed he wanted to have sex. Finally for the first time since all of this PA stuff I told him NO. I told him I would not be sexually intimate until he decided to take more serious measures. I felt so empowered and free! The next day he let me change the restrictions password on his phone so now he could only use the Covenant Eyes app on his phone for web browsing and would not be able to download any new apps. We went through the other apps on his phone and got rid of some that would be a potential for viewing things. I felt that this was a step in the right direction and so we "made up".
A few weeks ago he suggested we should get rid of Covenant Eyes so we can save money. I was so irritated with him. We just upgraded our internet which costs more than Covenant Eyes and now he wants to get rid of the one that costs less so we can save money. This made me feel that his heart is really not in recovery. He is doing it to please me. I know part of him wants to quit but now I see that this is truly a heart problem and that he will never really be in recovery unless he is renewing his mind through the Word of God and in prayer daily.
I hope this is not TMI but my husband has a foot fetish. Lately, he has been doing well with not looking at porn but he has other ways to view things that arouse him that Covenant Eyes doesn't pick up on. I just found out that he has been viewing women fb friends' photos. They seem like innocent photos but knowing that my husband has a foot fetish and in all the photos he looks at, the ladies feet are in it. I feel ridiculous at times for feeling so upset about it but then I remind myself that feet to my husband is like breasts or a butt to another man. It is inappropriate of him to view these photos. I feel so hurt and angry with him right now. We had an argument about it the other day and he said he will always struggle with this up until the day he dies and that I should just deal with it. I understand that he is a man and that he will struggle with it. Women think nothing of showing their feet all pedicured and pretty. It is always going to be something that he can't get away from. I get it, but it's when he is actively seeking it out that I get so upset and angry and the fact that he never confesses to me. I feel lied to. I always have to snoop in order to find out.
I know my husband is hurting and I know this hurts the LORD more than it hurts me. I've told God "now I know how you feel when I sin against you". How could I make my Creator feel this way. I have sinned and I continue to sin and I have created more pain in God's heart than I have in my own heart right now. God has been so gracious and merciful to me and I am trying to be that way towards my husband. I am trying to see this from a more spiritual perspective. My husband's soul is at stake because sexual immorality and lust cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I am trying to be more saddened by the fact of this than my own hurt from it all. My heart is still breaking emotionally though. I pray daily for God to give me a heart that will continue to love and respect my husband and a heart that will show compassion, mercy, and forgiveness. I knoe God will be glorified through all of this!
I finally set up an appointment with a counselor for myself to help get things off my chest. I just joined this forumn which has helped me already just by making this post. My husband and I are sleeping seperate right now and I have decided that I will not be sexually intimate until we work on our emotional and spiritual intimacy. I have put my wedding ring away and have thought of selling it. It is a reminder of the PA lies, secrets, feelings of inadequecy, hurt, and anxiety. I hope that this doesn't sound selfish or entitled on my part but, I want him to get me a new ring when he is really serious about his PA and is really seeking recovery. I'd like to renew our vows and get a ring that, to me, symbolizes a fresh start.
Thanks for listening. I am praying for you ladies. I know it is hard and some of you have it much more difficult than me. I will be praying for you to have the strength and courage to take the necessary steps in your relationships.
I feel like this is not just a PA problem but it's also a computer addiction problem. Every spare moment he gets he wants to spend it on the computer looking up YouTube videos, watching movies, playing stupid computer games, making music, and researching his hobbies and interest. I'm so tired of having to compete not only with porn but with the computer in general. I want to have an intimate relationship with my husband emotionally, spiritually, and of course sexually. All his attention goes to his phone or the computer. I get that he needs some down time to unwind and relax but I'm tired of trying to compete for his attention. We've discussed and argued about this issue. He says that the internet is a tool and that he is never going to give it up. I'm not asking him to give it up completely I'm just wanting him to get his priorities straight.
One night I went to bed and he stayed up on the computer in the living room. I asked the LORD to wake me up if he was doing anything inappropriate. Well, God is faithful, He woke me up. I crept out to the living room and sure enough he was viewing things on his phone and just getting started. He quit doing what he was doing, I stormed off to the bedroom and locked the door, and he slept on the couch. I hardly slept that night. The next morning I saw that he had finally decided to install Covenant Eyes on the devices. That was a step in the right direction and over the next few weeks I slowly tried to trust him again. Of course, I was now obssessed with checking Covenant Eyes every night. I would ask him regularly how he was doing (I thought there might be ways to get around things) he said he was doing alright. I would feel semi hurt but leave it at that because I felt that he was really trying. I had other ways to keep tabs on him and when I found something we would go through the routine again of confrontation, discussing, arguing about setting more boundaries, feeling bad, "making up".
This summer I went to see my family several states away and he stayed home. I felt like we had been on a good streak so I thought I'd see what would happen and try to trust him while I was gone. The night I got back though the first thing I did when he was in the shower was check all the ways I was able to keep tabs on him. Sure enough I found inappropriate things for almost the entire time we were apart. He didn't know I knew yet and when we got in bed he wanted to have sex. Finally for the first time since all of this PA stuff I told him NO. I told him I would not be sexually intimate until he decided to take more serious measures. I felt so empowered and free! The next day he let me change the restrictions password on his phone so now he could only use the Covenant Eyes app on his phone for web browsing and would not be able to download any new apps. We went through the other apps on his phone and got rid of some that would be a potential for viewing things. I felt that this was a step in the right direction and so we "made up".
A few weeks ago he suggested we should get rid of Covenant Eyes so we can save money. I was so irritated with him. We just upgraded our internet which costs more than Covenant Eyes and now he wants to get rid of the one that costs less so we can save money. This made me feel that his heart is really not in recovery. He is doing it to please me. I know part of him wants to quit but now I see that this is truly a heart problem and that he will never really be in recovery unless he is renewing his mind through the Word of God and in prayer daily.
I hope this is not TMI but my husband has a foot fetish. Lately, he has been doing well with not looking at porn but he has other ways to view things that arouse him that Covenant Eyes doesn't pick up on. I just found out that he has been viewing women fb friends' photos. They seem like innocent photos but knowing that my husband has a foot fetish and in all the photos he looks at, the ladies feet are in it. I feel ridiculous at times for feeling so upset about it but then I remind myself that feet to my husband is like breasts or a butt to another man. It is inappropriate of him to view these photos. I feel so hurt and angry with him right now. We had an argument about it the other day and he said he will always struggle with this up until the day he dies and that I should just deal with it. I understand that he is a man and that he will struggle with it. Women think nothing of showing their feet all pedicured and pretty. It is always going to be something that he can't get away from. I get it, but it's when he is actively seeking it out that I get so upset and angry and the fact that he never confesses to me. I feel lied to. I always have to snoop in order to find out.
I know my husband is hurting and I know this hurts the LORD more than it hurts me. I've told God "now I know how you feel when I sin against you". How could I make my Creator feel this way. I have sinned and I continue to sin and I have created more pain in God's heart than I have in my own heart right now. God has been so gracious and merciful to me and I am trying to be that way towards my husband. I am trying to see this from a more spiritual perspective. My husband's soul is at stake because sexual immorality and lust cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I am trying to be more saddened by the fact of this than my own hurt from it all. My heart is still breaking emotionally though. I pray daily for God to give me a heart that will continue to love and respect my husband and a heart that will show compassion, mercy, and forgiveness. I knoe God will be glorified through all of this!
I finally set up an appointment with a counselor for myself to help get things off my chest. I just joined this forumn which has helped me already just by making this post. My husband and I are sleeping seperate right now and I have decided that I will not be sexually intimate until we work on our emotional and spiritual intimacy. I have put my wedding ring away and have thought of selling it. It is a reminder of the PA lies, secrets, feelings of inadequecy, hurt, and anxiety. I hope that this doesn't sound selfish or entitled on my part but, I want him to get me a new ring when he is really serious about his PA and is really seeking recovery. I'd like to renew our vows and get a ring that, to me, symbolizes a fresh start.
Thanks for listening. I am praying for you ladies. I know it is hard and some of you have it much more difficult than me. I will be praying for you to have the strength and courage to take the necessary steps in your relationships.
